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The rain fell outside, the insistent sound of the droplets a constant in the background which was occasionally overpowered by a thunder striking somewhere. Ye-joon sat in his apartment, alone, listening to the rain hit on the windows and the distant sound of thunder every once in a while. The lights were dim, but the glowing screen of his phone illuminated his face as he stared at it absently. The words on the screen all swam together, forcing their way into his head no matter how much he tried not to let them get to him. He should have been used to it by now. But even for a k-pop idol who is used to threats and media backlash, this is still too much. The rain outside made the city look alive, catching the light of the street lamps and making the colours look all distorted, like a beautiful, blurry haze. But inside Ye-joon’s apartment, the atmosphere was rather subdued. A heavy sort of weight lingered along with something unspoken. Apart from the rain, the silence was broken only by the music player. Ye-joon barely paid attention until the sound of a familiar voice reached his ears. The song hadn't been released for too long. He leaned back against the couch he was sitting on and closed his eyes as the lyrics washed over him, touching a part of himself that had been torn open tonight. The melody and the meaning behind the song resonated with him deeply. He felt their ache, related to it. After all, the song was made to showcase the side of the k-pop industry beyond its glam— to talk about the battle every idol fought just to stay sane among the growing scrutiny of the world around them. ~“Kerosene, Dopamine, Chemical induced Fantasy and fame, yeah, the things we choose Show me hate, show me love, make me bulletproof Yeah, we call this shit normal Run away, out of sight, don't know what I want Wish I had a minute just to turn me off Kerosene, dopamine, what I gotta do? Yeah, we call this shit normal.”
A lone tear slipped past Ye-joon's closed eyelid. His phone slipped from his hand, falling somewhere on the couch. He listened intently to the lyrics, let the melody wrap itself around him and provide the comfort of knowing that he wasn't the only one going through this. He had been a fan of BTS since he was a teenager. Their songs had shaped him into what he was today and this particular album felt a little personal. This dream he carried back then, to connect with people across the globe with the language of music, to make them feel something through his music; that came from BTS. And to hear them talk about how hard it was to live as an idol, made him feel connected to them in a way. Because it was hard to make people understand that you couldn't be owned, that you were a human too behind all their fantasies and the fame that came with it. And sadly, people never quite get it. Not even if you scream it at the top of your lungs. Not even if you break down on the stage in front of millions of fans. It took Ye-joon years to get used to it. To make peace with the fact that he's just a shiny trophy for the industry. That making a mistake was not a choice in this industry. That one wrong foot ahead could get him pulled back by every force until he's bare in front of them all and left to dwell while the legacy he had built crumbled at his feet. Which is what's been happening lately. It all started at an award show where his voice cracked while performing and escalated at his concert when he forgot a step and tripped over due to the slippery stage. Now everyone wants him to apologise, to disband. And that isn't even the worst of it. It sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. To set impossible expectations and standards for one to follow. He was deep in thought when the loud noise of his phone ringing broke through Ye-joon’s trance and he quickly wiped the tears that had escaped. With a deep breath, he picked his phone again from the couch and stared at the screen. His manager's profile icon caught his eye. He already dreaded answering it. He answered anyway, right before the call could end and pressed the phone to his ear.
“Hello?” He heard a tired sigh from the other end as a response and the silence was a dead giveaway that his manager was preparing how to deliver the godforsaken news to him. “It's getting out of hand. The management suggests that you should just apologise and put an end to it.” Ye-joon closed his eyes as those words reached his ears and let out a defeated sigh. “It wouldn't kill you to apologise, Joon.” His manager spoke softly over the phone, expecting the young idol to give in to the public's demand like he always had before this. “You are right. I should just.. apologise and put an end to it.” Ye-joon repeated her words but his fingers curled around his phone. Something in his chest clenched. It's been getting tighter lately. Like some invisible string pulled taut and every day it kept getting pulled harder, tighter around his ribs. “I wish I could help, but there's only so much I can do. Let me know if you need anything.” Sara told him, her voice low but soft, like a parent. She has always been so nice to him. He nodded then hummed in response. “I appreciate it. I really do. Take care.” He hung up with that and almost immediately his phone pinged with a notification. Ye-joon opened the text from Sara and stared at it, his throat suddenly felt like it had grown thorns inside. “It'll be alright.” The text read. The idol blinked rapidly and reacted to the text with a thumbs up before closing his phone. He got up from the couch and walked towards the music player and played the earlier song again. Normal. He put that on repeat and leaned against the nearby wall and felt the raw emotions conveyed in the song. Ye-joon closed his eyes as the music began and wondered if the backlash was even sensible anymore. Fans had every right to be disappointed, to point out mistakes, to expect the best from him. But did that have to happen at the cost of his sanity, his health? He saw their side, but what about his side of the story?
He was bound to make mistakes as a human. That's how everyone grows. Why was it different for everyone else? Why were the rules different for him? The song hummed in the background like a mirror to his thoughts. ~“Heavy is the head when you chasin' true Will you color me red? Will you color me blue? Two sides of a coin, and they both ain't true Is it different for mе? Is it different for you? Got me feelin' things unusual And I livе 'em all Got me and my feelings up on this wall And my knees-ees Kerosene, dopamine, chemical-induced Fantasy and fame, yeah, the things we choose Show me hate, show me love, make me bulletproof Yeah, we call this shit normal Run away, out of sight, don't know what I want Wish I had a minute just to turn me off Kerosene, dopamine, what I gotta do? Yeah, we call this shit normal” The lyrics hit Ye-joon too close to home. He took his time processing it all, re-evaluated everything. When he walked back to the couch, he knew what needed to be done. He sat down and opened the live broadcast app and set his phone up before starting the live stream. He smiled at the screen when the stream started and people immediately started joining. “Hey guyss!! Been a long time since I came live. The decision was abrupt. But I think it's been long since overdue.” He let out a heavy breath before starting. “For weeks I've thought about everything that's been happening and I wanted to clear the air.” He started, his fingers clenched and unclenched on the fabric of his pants, curling over his knees.
“I know what you all expect from me and I know very well the duties of an idol.” Ye-joon looked down at his hands before continuing. “But I am not here to apologise.” He told them. Firm this time, looking back up at the camera. “For weeks things have been difficult. Different from your side and I see you. All of you. Your perspectives. But I need to prioritise myself above all else and hence I have come to the conclusion that..” He took a deep breath before getting the words out, knowing very well the havoc it was going to cause. “I will be taking a much needed break.” He paused, letting the weight of his decision sit between them before speaking again. “I know the pedestal you all have put me on comes with great responsibility and commitment. And I am truly grateful for all the love and support you've always shown me.” Ye-joon told his audience, feeling the words flow the more he let them. It felt freeing. The feeling of letting go of all the shackles that had somehow bound themselves to him which he had carried without ever questioning their weight. “The decision was abrupt. I hadn't even taken the permission from the company but I’ll stick to it.” He announced. Ye-joon risked a glance at the comment section only after he was done affirming his decision. And to his surprise there were a lot of his fans that were in support of his decision. He felt his lips twitch into a smile at the positive response. It wasn't that the bad side had suddenly disappeared, it was still there but now he only wanted to focus on the positives, on the people that still cared, that treated him just like any other human. Not an idol. Not anything special. Just a normal human. So he smiled and read through more of the comments coming in, feeling the tightness in his chest ease a bit.
“You deserve it, joon. Come back when you feel well rested.” “We will wait for you.” “We love you.” Ye-joon chuckled at the swarm of questions and well wishes, feeling himself unwind slightly. “I appreciate the support guys. I really do. And I will miss all of you too. I'll discuss the details of this break with the company first and give you guys an update.” He reassured them before reading some more comments. “Are you listening to Normal?” A few fans asked about the track going on in the background. Ye-joon nodded. “Yeah.. It's a great song.” “Can we get a cover?” Ye-joon found himself nodding and picking his guitar before he could second guess himself. “Okay, here goes.. nothing.” ~“How I'm 'posed to feel? Used to think that I was built with a heart made of steel Now I understand the truth, some pain don't heal If everything's just happy, mm, that ain't real I breathe everything out like a thousand times Normal and special, they are just some lines One deep sigh, then it slips away, fades away What I try to keep never want to stay Runaway, pushin' me, pullin' me, said you wanted all of me But what is even all of me? Suddenly, part of me is hauntin' me, heard the things they callin' me What the hell you want from me? Kerosene, dopamine, chemical-induced Fantasy and fame, yeah, the things we choose Show me hate, show me love, make me bulletproof Yeah, we call this shit normal..” And for the first time in years, he actually felt human again. He felt normal.