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Once there was a man who liked a woman very much. One day, he remembered having dinner with her. He thought about her smile. Then he thought about what he had said. Then he thought about it again. And again. “Did I say something silly?” he wondered. “Maybe I talked too much.” “Maybe she didn't like me.” “Maybe I should have said something different.”
The man kept looking backward, like someone watching the same little movie again and again. His tummy felt heavy. His shoulders felt tired. His heart felt sad. And he thought, “If I think about it one more time, maybe I will finally understand.” But he never felt finished. The next morning, the thoughts were still there. He drank his tea, but forgot to enjoy it.
He went to work, but his mind was still at the dinner table. His friend asked, “Are you okay?” The man said, “I don't know. I just keep thinking.” This was rumination. Rumination was like a little wheel in his head that kept going around and around. The man felt sad, and because he felt sad, he thought, “Something must be wrong with me.” But feelings are not always facts. Feeling guilty does not always mean you did something wrong. Feeling rejected does not mean you are unlovable. Feeling sad does not mean your life is bad. Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling.
Then something different happened. One night, another thought suddenly popped into his head. It was a scary thought about the woman. The man immediately felt frightened. “Why did I think that?” he cried. “That isn't me!” His heart beat very fast. His hands became sweaty. He tried to push the thought away. “Don't think it! Don't think it!” But the more he tried not to think about it, the louder it seemed to become. “What if having the thought means something?” “What if it says something terrible about me?” “I have to be completely sure that I'm a good person.” So he checked his memories. Then he checked them again. He searched the internet. He repeated comforting words in his head. For a little while, he felt better.
Then the scary thought came back. And he checked again. And again. This was obsession. The thought had arrived like an unwanted visitor. The man did not want it. He did not agree with it. It frightened him. But his frightened feeling made him think, “Maybe the thought must be important.” Yet that was not necessarily true. A thought is not a fact. A thought is not a wish. A thought is not an action. And a thought is not a person's character. Sometimes brains make strange, scary, unwanted thoughts—just as dreams can be strange.
The man slowly learned that his two busy minds felt different. With rumination, his mind said: “Let's look at the past again.” “Maybe we can find what went wrong.” “Maybe then we will feel better.” But the wheel kept turning. With obsession, his mind said: “Danger!” “Find the answer!” “Check again!” “Make sure!” But checking only made the fear ask for more checking.
One afternoon, the man sat quietly by the window. A thought about the woman appeared. He noticed it. Then he noticed a feeling in his chest. His old mind wanted to say: “Because I feel worried, something must be wrong.” But this time he said: “I feel worried. That is real.” “But feeling worried does not tell me what is true.”
He took a slow breath. “I can have a thought without believing it.” “I can have a feeling without obeying it.” “I don't have to solve every thought.” The thought was still there. The feeling was still there. But he did not have to chase either one.
He looked outside. He heard a car. He noticed the sunlight. He picked up his cup of tea. And for the first time that day, he tasted it. His mind was still a little noisy.
But he was learning something important: You are not every thought that visits your mind. You are not every feeling that passes through your body. Sometimes the mind tells a story. Sometimes the body sends an alarm. And sometimes both are mistaken. The man smiled gently. “I can feel something,” he thought, “without deciding that the feeling is the truth.” And then he went on with his day.