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MIDNIGHT PAGES By Tesha Johnson
Content Page Introduction Hurt Locked Gates Freedom On Hold Fading Into Nothing Silent Battles Attached In Silence Lessons They Don’t Teach Happiness Chosen Family My First Home Sweet Random Moments4 5 6 8 Unfinished Bonds 10 12 14 16 18 20 21 23 25
Healing/progress Exits The Jail In My Mind Where Do I Belong Dear Future Me about the author Acknowledgements You’re Perfect 27 29 30 32 34 36 39 40
Thank you for picking up Midnight Pages. This book holds pieces of my heart, the words I wrote when I was hurting, healing, growing and finding peace again. Each poem came from my journey, some from nights when the world felt heavy, some from when the mornings were filled with light and happiness, and a few inspired by listening to my friends and feeling their stories too. I wanted to share these pages with you not because their perfect but because their real. Maybe you’ll find a part of yourself in these words too. Midnight Pages is divided into into three sections: Hurt, Happiness and Healing/Progress. They represent the ups and downs we face in life and every step between. My hope is that as you turn each page, you’ll feel seen, comforted, and inspired to keep going, no matter where you are in Introduction 4
hurt5
Locked Gates I lay there in silence, staring at the ceiling As I took the blame again, What can i do to better myself To numb the pain. You make me feel like I’m the problem, Even if I try to tell myself it was never me. I tried talking to you about my feelings, But instead of me healing. It would end in us disagreeing. I found peace in the pain I gave myself, When all I needed was to be heard. You made me feel like I was asking for too much. Why doesn’t anyone understand me? Do I even belong in this world? They say “talk to someone it’ll be okay” But it’s too late. I’m left broken, my soul is hurt, And I’m afraid my heart has already locked the gate. 6
Getting your feelings out is always good, use this page and let it all out. Just for you to see. 7
Freedom On Hold I sat there looking at the ground, Why did it have to be me? Why can’t I just be happy? Social media makes it worse, Looking at other teenagers going out, and exploring the world, While I'm stuck in a box that revolves around school and work. No malls, no sleepovers, no hanging out, everything feels fake. How much more am I expected to take? I tried to tell you my mind, but I guess I came at the wrong time. I try to make the best of what I have, but I just wanna enjoy my teenage years. It seems like I’m asking for too much, do you even care? I guess I’ll live how you want me to, even if it keeps bothering me. I’m just asking for a little freedom, trust and dignity. I’ve decided to accept my fate, and just wait. I hope one day you’ll let me grow up, And I hope it’s not too late. 8
Let it all out. 9
Unfinished Bonds You left before I understood life, not even looking to see if I was alright. I grew by myself, with just my mother. Not knowing what it’s like to call someone my father. Is this what I’m supposed to expect from my future husband? That’s something my mother taught me and I started to understand . To be left or to be loved, to be hurt, who can I really trust? Searching for that missing piece caused nothing but pain, But I found brothers in my friends who made me feel at ease again. You came back into my life. I appreciate and I'm thankful for that, but I can’t look at you the same. You’ll never change and nothing will ever numb the pain. I love you for coming back and trying to fix things, I’m more than grateful for what you’re doing and what you’ve given me, But I’m afraid the damage has already been done. 10
Write It All Down 11
Fading Into Nothing I really tried, but I’m over it. Being happy was my past self. Trauma and anxiety make it worse, And the people I love, I always hurt. A few people keep me alive, But I’m already dead inside. How much can I take before I stop living this life? How did it get this bad? I thought “mental health is a joke.” I’ve been lying to myself, pretending I’m fine, But the cracks are showing, the truth’s hard to find. The weight I carry is too much on my shoulders, this isn’t fair. I’m fading into nothing, And I can’t feel a thing. Everything hurts, but I’m numb inside, Stuck in a battle, I can’t seem to fight. 12
In what ever form you can write it down. 13
Silent Battles There I was, left alone with my thoughts, If I was gone, maybe the world would be better off. Nobody seems to understand, no one seems to know the pain I go through every day, Faking happiness and trying to numb the pain. It’s getting worse, but who can I talk to, My family isn’t an option. My friends won’t get it, I’m left alone either way. I’m left to heal scars I didn’t cause, face monsters I didn’t create. My heart has become numb, But why do I still feel pain? Being called sensitive and emotional, I started to believe and see it. That was my cry for help, my cry to be heard. Once again, I’m left alone to fight a battle I didn’t start. 14
Get the feeling out one by one 15
Attached In Silence We stopped talking, and it felt like a pit I had fallen into. I’m trying to bring myself out, but I just slipped in again. You seem to be unaffected, or maybe it’s in my head, You got distant when I needed you the most, Left me feeling like garbage that was tossed. You said “forever”, but I’m sure this isn’t what forever is supposed to be, we’ve known each other for a while, But I still got attached. The few days of your absence felt like months, I’m tired of waiting. Maybe I should just give up. Now I’m left alone deciding if I should reach out or let you go, But for now, I’ll just stay silent, hurt, and let you do you. I’m done with hurting myself for the satisfaction of a few. 16
If you couldn’t tell them how you felt, write it for yourself. 17
Lessons They Don’t Teach A smile on my face, but it’s fake, a mask I’ve learned to wear. Hallways fill with noise but somehow I feel silent inside. Sitting in class just wishing the hours would hurry by, Paper flying everywhere, endless tests, homework and assignments stacked to the sky, How much longer do I have to stay? “Friends” switch up overnight, boys that make no sense in my mind. I study harder every day just to keep my grades aligned. But wait, how many more months in this school year? I’m already tired. Bullies that make it so much harder, their whispers feel louder than screams, Do they know they’re damaging my mental health? School isn’t just lessons, it’s war fought in silence, My anxiety rises every time I walk into that jail cell. I sit and count the hours as it slowly goes by, While I think of the moment I return to my bed, Finally breathing in peace, wrapped in quiet again. 18
Write at the end of the day how your day went 19
happiness 20
Love isn’t just shared in romantic ways, Love is also shared between the people that we have a connection with, even if it’s not everyday. The ones who show up when you need them the most, The ones who give advice, care, and support. Even when they don’t know what to say, They still listen and comfort you anyway. Friendship, brotherhood, sisterhood, it seems the same to me, Some are closer than others, But they are all valued and that’s the way it should be. Love creates family that doesn’t require blood, We know we can trust each other through good and bad, happy or sad. Love is a strong word and emotion shared between many, And I love friends like family. We share memories, experiences, and thoughts, And we’ll be together hooked tightly till death do us part chosen family 21
Everybody has at least one person that makes them happy, who’s your person and why do they make you happy. 22
Her hands are tired, but she still covers me. The world throws bricks at her, but she makes a house for us, She’s been through a lot and protects me so I can reach the top. Late nights, early morning, job after job just to make sure her kids are alright. That’s a mother’s love. We don’t always see eye to eye and understand each other, But I know she has my back and I love her day and night. I know she’ll always be home no matter how hard life gets, She showed and taught me so many things, listening to her is something I’ll never regret. That’s a mother’s love. “Mommy life is unfair”, she drop everything and starts running to me “oh my dear”, “Mommy I’m not feeling well”, “Go rest your head my child”. Through all our fuss and fights, we’re always okay with each other by night. My mother may not be perfect to others but to me she is and she’s amazing. She tries her best even on hard days and that I’ll always appreciate. my motherMy First Home 23
What are your feelings with your mother. 24
The joy of finding money randomly in your pocket, Or that shirt you thought you lost at the back of your closet. These are the small moments that make life sweet. Maybe the joke you and the friends have been laughing for the past hour, That hot day you finally came home and took a cold shower. That feeling when work or school is finally over, Or that one thing you bought after waiting forever. Blasting your favorite song on repeat, Dancing alone always makes you feel complete. A random compliment that brightens up your week, Realizing that you could have one more hour of sleep. The smell of food cooking when you’re hungry, The feeling of being cozy inside while the heavy rain is pouring. Singing loudly when no one's around, Being in peace without hearing one single sound. Hanging out with friends and making new memories, Life feels lighter in moments such as these. sweet random moments 25
What are somethings that make you happy. 26
You fix your hair, you change your clothes, You try to look like them, you try to look like me. “Why can’t I just be pretty”. You scroll through Instagram and other social media. Trying to feel better but end up comparing yourself. Every picture looks perfect, every smile so bright, But no one’s posting the insecurities they feel inside. Edited pictures, heavy makeup, a lot of filters. Chasing standards that were never even real, Forgetting that beauty is the way you make others feel. You can keep trying but you're already the most beautiful version of yourself that you can be. Most of our beauty comes from the parts we don’t like or can’t see. Start looking into the mirror and being thankful for the way you look, Start treating others the way you know you should. Your beauty will start to flow more than you’ll know. Don’t wait for that compliment to determine if you’re pretty, You’re your own person to decide how you look. With less makeup, confidence, kindness and grace, You’ll realize perfection was always written on your face.You’re perfect 27
Write your insecurities down, think and realize that their perfect. You’re perfect. 28
healing/progress29
As I lay there and close my eyes, I wait to enter a place that only exists at night. A place where only I know, A place I can really call home. No worries, no pain, just pure love and happiness, A world where my heart can finally roam free. Where dreams come true, and so do wishes, A family with less arguments, no broken hearts, no shattered dishes. A place where I can be myself, Without being compared to no one else. When morning brings me back, the feeling fades. Everything turns black. But now I know my home remains, until I go to sleep again. A Place That Only Exist In My Dreams 30
What’s it like in your dreams? 31
It’s loud in here, but no one else can hear it. Someone is squeezing my throat, holding back words. I’m traveling in space, but I’m still on earth, I’m screaming for help but it’s just in my thoughts. My face shows an expression, but my mind is running wild. Why do I feel like an adult, teen, and child. I don’t know where I am, reality or my imagination, Somebody take me out, it does not feel like a vacation. I’m trying and trying, but I end up in the same place, I feel like I’m running in a maze. the jail in my mind 32
What are your thoughts when you’re alone? it’s always good to express yourself even if it’s writing for yourself to see. 33
As a kid, there’s a lot of dreams, thoughts, and fun. Singing in the shower and with the hair brush, dancing to your favorite songs, teaching dolls and performing surgeries. “I wanna be a singer, a dancer, a doctor.” But growing up, it’s a lot different with limited choices and opportunities. Being chosen, supported, and judged off of grades, “What am I supposed to do now? Was it worth it anyway?” High grades or low grades just to work from nine to five, While childhood dreams have to get put aside. Some are realistic. Some are not, but to me, it’s about following your heart. Was I meant to be a doctor, nurse, actor or teacher. I’ll never know because I was made to follow orders. But not this time, I’m following my dreams. I’m not going to stop trying no matter how hard it seems, I’ve spent enough time listening to others, and now it’s time to listen to my inner voice. I’m chasing my dreams. I’ll find where I belong.where do i belong 34
Finding where you fit and what you’re most passionate about isn’t always easy. Take your time you’ll get there. Feel free to write where you think you belong 35
You’re probably living our dream right now, As for me, I'm working hard towards it. Fighting all the battles everyday, so we can make it in every way. I’m really proud of us and how far we’ll go, We’ll motivate other people while keeping our glow. We have big dreams and they’re going to come true, Shining like the sun and flowing like a river, just me and you. Everything that we are going through, Strengthens us for the future and what we plan to do. With the right support and motivation, We can leave a message to inspire the new generation. Keep holding on, the journey’s not done, The best is ahead, our story’s just begun. When the days feel heavy, I want us both to remember this, Every struggle we faced built the life we wished. I’ll meet you there with a smile so wide, Future me, we’ll make it, we never let dreams hide.dear future me 36
The future holds a lot, the most we can do is keep working harder everyday. Where do you see yourself in the future? 37
Take a moment. Breathe, Write what’s on your mind, your soul, your heart. Those pages are yours, let it out, reflect, or just doodle your emotions. There’s no right or wrong here. For anyone who’s ever stayed up too late thinking, crying, or dreaming. This book is for you. Everybody has their pain and struggle but not everyone has the ability to put it into words. Time will tell, maybe you’re like me, someone who don’t really talk about their feelings, but eventually it’s gonna hurt really bad, bottle up feelings aren’t something easy to deal with. It’s better to write it down than talk about it, it helps a lot. 38
Hey, I’m Tesha Johnson, just a girl who writes her heart out through poems. Writing became my way of breathing when words felt too heavy to say out loud. It became my safe place, my way of understanding myself and the world around me. Midnight Pages started as little thoughts in my phone notes, late night feelings, and random bursts of emotions that slowly turned into something great. This book holds my journey. The hurt, the healing, the happiness, and everything in between. Every poem is a piece of who I was, who I am, and who I’m becoming. I hope when you read it, you see a little bit of yourself too. Outside of writing, I’m your average teenage girl. Vibing with music, focusing on school, enjoying my hobbies, or dreaming about all the things I want to create in this world, this country. Midnight Pages is my first poetry book, but it’s definitely not my last. about the author Thank you for being here, for reading, and for letting my words sit with you for a while. 39
40 AcknowledgementsTo everyone who believed in me even when I doubted myself, thank you. To my friends who listened to my endless poem drafts and random bursts of inspiration and ideas, you all kept me going. Thank you to my family. To every person who ever made me feel deeply enough to write, whether it was love, pain, or joy, you’ve become a part of these pages in ways you may never know. And to you, the reader, thank you for opening this book, for seeing me through my words, and for giving meaning to everything I’ve written. Midnight Pages wouldn’t be complete without you. With love~ Tesha Johnson