PARENTING Cherry Siew

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CHERRY SIEW ParentingEstablishing wholesome families through successful parenting

PARENTING

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 3 CHERRY SIEW ParentingEstablishing wholesome families through successful parenting

PARENTING First Edition in October 2026. Parenting: Establishing a wholesome family through successful parenting. Written by Cherry Siew Co-edited by Ong Pak Shoon & Dr Amy Siew Cover design by Dr Adelyn Siew Typesetting by Adjunct Professor Khoa Do Disclaimer The views and opinions expressed in this book are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policies or positions of any organisation. The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. While every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy and completeness of the information, the author makes no warranties, expressed or implied, regarding its completeness, reliability or suitability. Printed in Perth, Australia

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 5 Acknowledgements I am deeply grateful to my loving husband, Andrew Siew, for his patience, unwavering support and constant encouragement throughout the writing and preparation of this book. His thoughtful assistance with the initial copy editing, proofreading and editorial advice has been invaluable. My grateful thanks to Dr. Christine Saw for helpful and encouraging comments and Joanne Leow for her concern to the success of this effort. I am grateful to Dr. Mary Tay from Singapore for reading and commenting on this book. She has taken the time to approach parents and pastors for their input and advice. They have generously offered their insights and remarks. I feel exceptionally fortunate that Ong Pak Shoon, cell group leader at Bukit Batok Presbyterian Church of Singapore for agreeing to provide editorial expertise. His advice and guidance, editorial and otherwise, helped me through many obstacles. My grateful thanks to Mrs Ng Swee Kheng for reading and encouraging me. …

PARENTING About the author Cherry Siew along with her husband, Andrew, raised 2 girls and 2 boys in the idyllic town of Port Dickson, Malaysia. Because of her parenting approach, her children remain close despite living in two different continents (at one stage, three different continents). Her children and their partners’ success in life can be measured both in conventional terms (three doctors, a professor, a pastor, an artist, a writer, an engineer, a director of a Data Science & Analytic Centre) and in unconventional terms, positive impact on hundreds of lives because of her example of servant leadership. She currently lives in Singapore to raise another impactful generation. Work experience Cherry was a secondary school teacher before training to be a full-time school counsellor. After her retirement, she attended Bible College Malaysia and graduated in Social Ministry. She had been involved in the Sunday school work as well as an advisor in the School Christian Fellowship and was in the Committee of the Malayan Christian School Council. She had served as a volunteer in the refugee school organized by Malaysian Care. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 7 Preface All glory, honour and thanks to God for enabling me to complete putting into words all that I have read, gleaned and studied during my quiet times, attending classes and seminars as well as interacting with people. With love, I dedicate this to my beloved children and their spouses (Amy & Ashish; Adriel & Edna; Adelyn & Khoa and Zedeck & Sharon) and my grandchildren (Joshua, Ruth, Zachary, Amelia, Hannah and Elysha). To my valuable siblings, relatives and friends who have encouraged and inspired me in my walk of faith. May all have pleasure reading and putting into practice whatever is beneficial and uplifting. It is a wonderful privilege and responsibility to share God’s Word and His plan for our lives with the next generation and the generations to come. No matter what lies ahead on their roads through life, we want them to be prepared and equipped to face it in the strength of the Lord. I have always reminded my children, ‘You have to adapt to your situation, environment and the people of the place where you are now, not vice versa.’ So, prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child. Instead of trying to remove all obstacles and pave the way for the children in our lives, we should equip them to deal with the difficulties they encounter on the roads ahead. …

PARENTING “We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His power and the wonders He has done. He decreed statutes… which He commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them and they in turn would tell their children. The goal is that they would put their trust in God and would not forget His deeds but would keep His commands.” (Ps. 78:4-7) I am recording this so that it is useful to busy working people who cannot spare the time to read good and different books to help them in their parenting. With God’s help, we have put into practice all that I am writing. My husband and I have brought up four children, three of whom have their own children to nurture. Thank God we can be channels of blessings to people around us. It is my heart’s desire to be one. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 9 Contents Acknowledgement About the Author Preface 1 Parenting 10 2 The family is God’s idea 13 3 Things that are questionable and detestable 16 4 Intimacy and bonding versus unhealthy materialistic attachment 20 5 Follow the Holy Spirit and His promptings 23 6 Teach 27 7 Discipline 32 8 Modelling 38 9 Early training rules 40 10 Typical struggles of teenagers 47 11 Family fun times build memories 49 12 Boundaries 52

PARENTING 13 Sibling rivalry 57 14 Fundamental Helpful Suggestions 63 15 Twelve Ways To Improve Learning 67 16 Notable Quotes 69 17 Summaries of Books 74 A. Ten tips on Reading the Bible with Children - Sandy Galea B. Cure Your Child with Food - Kelly Dorfman C. How to Talk so Kids can Learn: at Home and in School - Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish D. What Works with Children - Marshall Duke and Sara Duke E. Getting on with Others - John Cooper F. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids - Bonnie Harris 18 Tips on Parenting 105 Prologue

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 11 Parenting The prospect of helping parents rear healthy, emotionally stable, happy and effective, functioning children is so compelling that I could do nothing but accept the challenge of noting down my experiences and studies of suitable materials. My greatest joy and challenge in life has been raising my children, who are now fine adults with their own broods. Parenting - being responsible for the care of a child / children - is an awesome responsibility. Parenting is not a method or a set of behaviours or statements. Parenting is a complex interactive process affected equally by parents, children and community. Many different approaches to child rearing can work well. There is a wide spectrum of parenting behaviour. No single set of rules can apply for all children at all ages and in all circumstances. Children change in many ways as they grow older, and parenting approaches must change too. Some methods work for a child at one age but are inappropriate for that child at another age. 1

PARENTING Some are passive, others are active; some are outgoing, others are introverts; some are easy- going, others are anxious. Every child calls for different methods of child rearing. It is our task and our privilege to take seriously the awesome responsibility we share in raising them. Each time adults or parents interact with a child, they respond not to one child, but to two: 1. The first child is the child of the present - the child who needs protection, boundaries and guidance. 2. The second is the child of the future - the adult who is confident and independent and able to care about others. Sometimes we simply must opt for the needs of the future child over the current child. For example, we may decide that the present child must take piano, flute or guitar lessons despite his or her protests because we believe that the child of the future will benefit from being able to play an instrument. All children are different. All children are precious.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 13 …………………………………………………………………………………… Proverbs 22:6 - Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. We learn from our past in order to live in our present - a lesson reflected on by the psalmist in Psalm 71:5-8. Wrong choices have their consequences. If we choose to live for pleasure, that will affect our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Men and women who live in faith before God can have a strong influence on their children and their children's children. If they live a long life; they can witness the effect their faith has had on several generations. What satisfaction it brings to older people to see their posterity living for Christ! Everything has its consequences. God gives blessings to us so we can be blessings to others. …………………………………………………………………………………… Psalm 127:3-5 Children are one of the blessings for keeping God's commandments. Other important promises are Deuteronomy 28:11-13, Genesis 22:17&18, Psalm 128:3&4. …

PARENTING The Family Is God’s Idea The child is God's idea. He places a child within a family, the smallest unit of society, to develop the character necessary for life in the wider society. In the Bible, the home is the place where love reflects the image and reality of God's presence. The family is God's idea. It was the first human institution - before churches, schools, governments and courts of law. A family starts with a man and a woman united in the intimate relationship of marriage. God created man for intimacy. He puts this desire for intimacy in the human heart, and it will not go away. The intimacy we enjoy in marriage is only a reflection of the intimacy God longs to have with each of us. Intimacy is about oneness in relationship. Father and Son model that intimacy. …………………………………………………………………………………… Proverbs 8:29-31 - God the Father and God the Son, Jesus, not only had a close intimate relationship, but Jesus daily delighted the heart of his Father, as our children delight us. Genesis 2:24 - Oneness leads to fruitfulness. God designed the human family to be a reflection of the family in heaven. Family relationships are vertical and horizontal. 2

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 15 Mark 12:30&31; Deuteronomy 6:6&7 - The Lord instructed the father to teach his children. In Scripture, education is a twofold process, requiring the cooperation of both parents and children. As the father and mother have a responsibility to teach their children, so the children have a responsibility to respect and obey their parents. They are to honour their parents in the same way that parents are to honour God. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 - parents are commanded to teach God's commandments, practise them, model them by living them in front of their children. They are not merely an academic exercise, but to be practised all day every day. Pretty demanding! But God promised to carve His commandments on the tablets of the human heart. Deuteronomy 28 clearly outlines the consequences for disobedience and conversely, the blessings of obedience to God's commandments. What we sow into our families is what we get in the next generation. The family is always in the forefront of God's mind. As he grows from conception his body, spirit, mind and soul expand upwards and outwards. He reaches upwards to embrace God. As he grows, he learns how to relate in a creative way to both his natural and social environments, and he learns where he fits into it. A child is an active participant in a life- long educational process, initiated and nurtured by his parents.

PARENTING It is the place where spiritual values, faith and stories of fathers are taught and passed onto the next generation. It is the place where God is honoured and worshipped as the centre of the lives of all persons in the household. It is that covenantal relationship with God that makes all other relationships work. Experts say a child's belief system is established in the first 5 years of life. Whatever attitudes and associations our children develop early on regarding church, church leaders and God will stay with them for a lifetime. God has created a hunger for the supernatural in all of our hearts. Are our children experiencing the presence of God on a regular basis? Do we, as parents set up family altars where the Bible is read and hymns sung daily? Research has found out that God calls 90% missionaries before the age of 11. Children need to know they are not second-class citizens. Treat them with full respect and watch what they can do. Godly role models are important for children. Yes, we have to be role models so that our children can imitate us! We all know actions speak louder than words. It has been noted that parents are the biggest influence on a child’s life. Children observe and emulate the actions of their parents. … The family is a place of belonging, security, identity, protection, authority and responsibilities for the individual.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 17 Things That Are Questionable and Detestable Wholesome media influence versus ungodly media influence: Are parents aware of the kind of material their children are feeding on? Are our children addicted to computer games, internet surfing, television or are they inclined to read God’s Word, Christian literature or watch Christian programmes? Look around your home prayerfully and honestly. Are there objects, books, toys, videos, games, clothing in your home that are questionable? Evil spirits are looking for a place to lodge. Sometimes children bring evil spirits home from school because many of the students play with occult games they bring to school. The compelling lure of the games is the first indication of the demonic. E.g. Star Wars, Flash Gordon, Nintendo. If there are things destined for lifelong destruction - evil things in our homes, destruction will manifest itself in the individual lives and circumstances of that family. Deuteronomy 7:26. The Bible warns us not to bring any detestable thing into our homes. Do not take on board the images and idols of the people or nations without God. If you do, there will be destruction in your homes and lives. Are there continued unresolved issues of health or other problems in your home, even though you may pray and fast and declare the Word of God? 3 Look around your home prayerfully and honestly.

PARENTING Discard them. Do not give them to your friends or they will come under the same bondages. Ask the Lord to forgive you and show you anything else in your home that is destructive or unwholesome. Cleanse your home from everything! Do we have to give our children exposure to evil in order to teach them about it? Do I have to commit adultery before I can explain to others its destructive path? Books like "The gospel according to Harry Potter" "Looking for God in Harry Potter": How can Harry Potter's books which recount satanic rituals be a roadmap for teaching Christian principles? Spiderman holds his hand in the form of the satanic curse in order to spray out his webbing. Harry Potter has a lightning bolt on his forehead, a common demonic symbol. Pokemon means 'pocket monster'. Tamagotchi's gift for the player comes in a box decorated with a skull and cross-bone and inside are viruses, sicknesses, diseases and attacks. This is no longer just child's play. Through violence, abortion, abuse, sexual exploitation, AIDS, homelessness and war, millions of children around the world are being destroyed by the enemy. God gave you, the parent, the mandate to raise up your child in the way he should go. You may feel inadequate for the task, but because God has commanded you to do it, he will equip you. God did not tell your church to raise your child. Surrender them to God and ask Him to show you which to keep and which to discard.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 19 You think the church can do a better job because they are more 'qualified' than you? But you know your child better than anyone else. The church is for support. We cannot get away from it: God called us to disciple our children! The preschool years are the critical years, but it is never too late to start. Prayer is one of the most important ingredients for a wholesome family and children. Not only should we teach our children to pray and hear from God, we parents must have an on-going, real and intimate relationship with the Lord. We have to be committed to the Lord and committed to having our home as a house of prayer. We have told our children that the Lord can never lie, make a mistake, or ask us to do anything that is wrong or evil. Whatever the Bible teaches can be trusted as coming from a faithful God, and they can do what it says, knowing that God's blessing and help will be with them as they do it. As much as possible, we endeavour to direct family life, whether good or difficult, in the light of the Scriptures. We parents must know the Word of God ourselves, in order to teach it to our children. Their spiritual development and zeal will be a reflection of ours, and we can only lead them where we have been first. …………………………………………………………………………………… Hebrews 5:12-14. The lack of God's Word in our lives has dulled our perception and discernment and the ability to make correct judgments. The Word of God is the final authority.

PARENTING Through the constant use of the Word of God in our lives, we actually train ourselves to distinguish good from evil. Do we really know the Word of God? Do we really do what it says? When the children are 'caught' telling lies, we open the Bible, show them verses about lying and talk about the results of lying, as well as how to overcome telling lies. When they speak bad words to each other, we do the same, teaching them the importance of words and what sort of things should be said. Sibling fights are common: 'He took that, and it's mine!' 'He said I am stupid!' 'He hit me for no reason!' Forgiveness is a major theme in the Word of God, and we must train our children to forgive and reconcile with each other. Children often make fun of others in trouble or with problems, but we have to show them from the Bible that God does not like it when we laugh at others' downfalls and that we should not rejoice when our enemy falls. There are many verses that we can use to train and instruct our children to live upright and pleasing lives to the Lord. … Everyday life and conversation are all opportunities to teach our children the Word of God.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 21 Intimacy and Bonding Versus Unhealthy Materialistic Attachments Laughing, loving and enjoying. One of the keys to effective parenting is to keep the communication lines open. When there is a lack of bonding between parents and children, children become more interested in the internet, video games, television, hobbies, etc. We must laugh together, love and enjoy our children. Our actions often speak louder than words! We must take time to love and enjoy our children's presence and to praise and appreciate them. In the rush of our lives, please do not miss these priceless moments with your children. If they come for a chat, stop what you are doing, put down your book, turn the television off. Show love and respect for them, just as we expect that from our heavenly Father when we go to Him in prayer. Ask questions and answer questions the children may ask. You are forming the true core values in their hearts as you talk and interact with them. These things will remain with them for the rest of their lives. Zero tolerance for disobedience – There must be zero tolerance for the spirit of disobedience. Have you ever noticed the consequences when our children disobey us? 4 Our actions show them powerfully the love of God!

PARENTING Paul tells us that the wages of sin is death, and we have observed many times that every act of disobedience leads to an adverse consequence. Accidents, falls, breakages, fighting and arguments, have all resulted from deliberate and wilful disobedience. …………………………………………………………………………………… Ephesians 2:2 The age we live in has abandoned righteous instruction and discipline. Lawlessness and rebellion now rule the day. The spirit of disobedience pervades the world, and children are very susceptible to this spirit. It was disobedience that introduced sin to the human race. Romans 5:19; 2 Timothy 3:2; Romans 1:30, End-Time children will be known as 'disobedient to parents'. Dealing with disobedience is a huge battle. For that reason, we have endeavoured to produce in our home a zero tolerance for disobedience. Grace is given by God to achieve this in our children. Here's the second half of Romans 5:19, 'so also through the obedience of the one man many will be made righteous’. It takes a lot of effort, as a parent, to maintain this discipline, but we look forward to the harvest of many made righteous. The desire to give up is always present when battling to discipline our children in righteousness but keeping in mind the final outcome spurs inner strength to continue. The narrow path leads to life. It is worth it, especially as you begin to see fruit along the way. …………………………………………………………………………………… Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20 The Word of God personally addresses children in the area of obedience. In our family, when we ask our children to do something, we expect it to be done.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 23 We explain to our children that the things we ask of them are instructions given for their welfare, safety and care. As they practise obedience, they begin to understand the wisdom of speaking and doing the right thing more. They will see and experience the joy and benefit of it for themselves. … Our children need to know what is required of them and disobedience has bad consequences. Our children can understand the reasons that obedience is essential.

PARENTING Follow the Holy Spirit and His Promptings One of the greatest keys in raising whole children is: "Let them work with their hands". Let them achieve and gain satisfaction through creative activity. Give them a section of the garden to plant and grow flowers or vegetables. Teach them to bake cookies and to use the sewing machine. Let them build models or learn musical instruments. Provide a satisfying but wholesome hobby. Working with their hands means that their minds are focused, not only to create but also to solve problems and learn useful skills. It brings deep satisfaction to their souls when something is achieved through their own hands. Throughout Scriptures we see the Lord blessing the work of the hands, whether it was in musical or artistic skills, working in the fields, or running the nation. It provides a biblical foundation for life, which has been superseded by modern entertainment. Sporting activities are another form of creative activity, provided they are not allowed to become gods. They are human beings separate from us, not clones of us. Although they need our guidance, they deserve our respect. We must recognize and encourage their individual bents. Bents are God-given, inborn 5 Children are gifts from God, not possessions.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 25 characteristics. They are not learned, automatically inherited, or shaped by the environment. They are important to the development of their self- esteem and independence. Recognizing their bents takes time, desire and sensitivity. We have to observe, listen, talk to and spend time with them. Observe them when they are off-guard. Watch them at picnics, on the playground, during a game, or quietly at home. Listen to them, encourage them to express their opinions at the dinner table or before bedtime. We need to help our children discover what they do well. If we want our children to become strong, we must build strength into them by giving them a firm foundation of values early in life. This foundation becomes the footing upon which all future knowledge is built in the cognitive learning process. This foundation roots them and guides them through the temptations, assaults and challenges of life. An apple has a core: the tough, fibrous, seedy centre that remains even if the outside skin or flesh is bruised or chipped away. An onion, on the other hand, has no core. When an onion is peeled away, nothing remains. Children with cores may be bruised or torn by life's experiences, but no matter how many mistakes they make they will always get back on track because their value system remains intact. I'm sure God wants us to raise children with cores. Children come in 2 categories: apples and onions.

PARENTING He wants us to plant the seeds of Christian values deep within their tender souls when they are young and pliable. As they grow, these values give them structure and strength to withstand the ravages of their environment. God is their spiritual foundation; self is the strength and confidence that grows out of the recognition and acceptance of God's love; and a sense of others is the way they treat the people around them. It is the manifestation of their understanding of grace, compassion, loyalty and commitment that grows primarily out of their family relationships. As parents, we use a combination of tools to mould and shape these attitudes in our children. We transmit values mainly through our loving them, teaching them, disciplining them and modelling for them. We build foundations with love. From the day they come into our lives, our children sense our communication of love. According to studies, a child's sense of security and trust is established within the first few months of life. As important as nutrition is the nurturing sense of love. A sense of family is vitally important to a growing child. Feeling good about oneself is self-esteem, a quality most experts agree is necessary for a child's development. Healthy self-esteem gives a strong sense of security to a child. Learning to love The ingredients of a firm foundation are the values that shape their attitudes about God, self and others.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 27 oneself precedes learning to love others. Our relationship with our children models the relationship we have with our heavenly Father. Our love should be like His love: unconditional, consistent and full of grace. Our children need to understand that they do not need to earn our love, just as we do not earn our salvation. Our love is not based on their performance. Our love is manifested in many ways. It is both tough and tender. Sometimes it means hugs and kisses. Other times it means some form of discipline; but usually it is the sensitive combination of both. Tough love means giving up a short-term benefit in hopes of reaching a long-term goal. It means teaching children to be accountable, to delay gratification and accept the consequences of their actions. We sacrifice the comfort of pleasing our children at the moment in an effort to teach them an important lesson in life. We do what's good for them in the long run. We say ‘no’ to the three-year-old who whines for cookies before dinner. Even though cookies would make him happy, saying no is better for him. We demand that our children finish out the season on the swim team, even though quitting would please them. Although the practices are tougher than they anticipated, not quitting teaches them something about commitments. Love also allows for individuality. We do not love our children in the same way at the same time. They are uniquely different, and we deal positively with their differences to build their self-esteem and confidence. We need to affirm them because what they think of themselves is based on how they think others see them. When they are young, we are the mirrors that reflect their

PARENTING sense of self. We reinforce their positive images of themselves. They become what we encourage them to become. … Teach As parents, we are their first and most important teachers. We tell them stories, read to them, use examples and give instructions, which we reinforce through discipline and modelling. Our children are like sponges, absorbing what they see and hear, especially when they are little. That's why our influence upon them is so critically important when their foundations are under construction and their minds are able to absorb what we teach them. We tell them that God made families because He believes families are important. God knows families would face struggles. He gives rules He wants us to live by. He tells parents to love their children and to teach them to obey; He tells children to obey their parents. We tell them our family rules and teach them to remember those rules. The Number One Rule is "Never tell a lie." It comes from "to thine own self be true" and includes being honest to God, self and others. The Number Two Rule is "Think of others." This comes from "love thy neighbour." The Number Three Rule is "Do not forget where you came from." This is the family loyalty oath that means our 6 We teach by talking to them.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 29 children might fight behind closed doors, but once out in the world they stick together and help one another. Children have an incredible capacity for memorization that is a potential we do not maximize. Our children sing countless popular tunes or repeat TV commercials. We equip our children to meet challenges by helping them memorize Scripture, especially short, meaningful verses. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts." Elisabeth Elliot claims, "I was raised on Scripture the way some kids are raised on vitamins." Children memorize verses not only because they repeat them, but also because they see them in writing. Keep a supply of 3 x 5 cards handy on which to jot verses or sayings that can be posted on visible spots like the fridge or door. Some families use a card system to memorize a Scripture a week, repeating it and talking about it at breakfast or dinner. The spiritual foundation we give our children early in life will become the cornerstone of their own personal faith. Do not let someone else do it for you and rob you of the pleasure of being there when they accept the Lord Jesus. Deuteronomy 6:6-7. We try to make the Lord real in our children's lives by talking with Him through prayer, sharing with them how He works in our lives, and seizing upon the potential of a Repetition enables them to memorize, and memorization is a powerful tool. Lead your children to Christ.

PARENTING moment to translate Scripture into action or to recognize the power of the Lord. What do we teach our children? • We teach them to obey. • We teach them to love. • We teach them to pray. • We teach them to make wise choices. • We teach them to take responsibilities. • We teach them to distinguish between needs and wants. • We teach them to solve problems. • We teach them to choose blessings rather than curses. • We teach them to be generous rather than to be selfish. • We teach them to have purpose and to plan. • We teach them to manage money not credit. In a family, we are accepted not because of what we have done or have not done but simply because we are family. Parents are constantly buying things for their children, so much so that some children are beginning to take gifts received for granted rather than in an appreciative manner. Sometimes we are too busy providing for and giving to our children what we did not have (all manner of toys) that we have forgotten to give them what we do have (values, positive heritage and traditions). Teach them to appreciate gifts received.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 31 One of the important ingredients to inculcate a healthy atmosphere in which encouragement can blossom in a home is to teach our children to appreciate one another and also gifts that they receive from family and friends. Teaching our children to learn appreciation will also inculcate in them the value of encouragement, support, thoughtfulness, thankfulness, friendship, respect, security, honour, etc. Life can be difficult and we need to know that someone believes in us, loves us no matter what happens and will be there to pick us up when we fall, forgive us again and again and cheer us on when we are fearful. Friendships are nurtured by the steady give and take of encouragement, and the family should be the primary provider of this nutrient. One of the ways we can encourage family members is to be conscious and intentional in appreciating one another when we receive a gift or an act or word of encouragement. When we show appreciation, we also affirm the actions of the person, and this would simply encourage him to continue to do so when another opportunity arises. All of us like to be affirmed for the positive things we say or do, and appreciation would do just that. We teach our children to say "Thank you. I really appreciate it" and make sure they mean it by treating what they received with proper care and not carelessly misplace or mistreat it. Unless children learn to value and look after their gifts we may need to be cautious of We all have a great need for encouragement.

PARENTING buying them more as they may just take these things for granted. It may involve some time, patience and energy to teach our children to appreciate gifts received but it will build up an indirect value of encouragement for family members as well. Wholesome sex education versus pornography - Where do our children get sex education? Have they learnt it from non-Christian sources? You might like to know that 70% of the time, pornography falls into the hands of children. A study done in the U.S. states that one out of four girls, would at some time be molested. To a great degree, it is because of the effect of pornography. Empowering them with the right kind of knowledge will prevent them from being enslaved to perverted sexual experiences and will save them from devastating consequences. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 33 Discipline Proverbs 23:13. Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Proverbs 29:15. The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. …………………………………………………………………………………… When it is surrounded by such verbs as "love," "teach," and "model," it stands out as harsh and unpleasant. Yet the Bible is filled with verses about the rewards of discipline and the parent's responsibility of disciplining a child. A life without discipline is not a happy one. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it (Hebrews 12:11). If we teach our children to be obedient to us when they are young, they will learn to be obedient to God as they mature. In learning to submit to parents, children actually learn to submit to a will higher than their own. Consistent discipline gives children a sense of security because it sets limits and creates a basically predictable environment. In a predictable environment children can meet new challenges confidently. 7 The word "discipline" has such negative connotations. The goal of discipline is to teach obedience and self-control.

PARENTING Proper discipline rewards and reinforces good behaviour and discourages bad behaviour. It develops the sense of conscience from within that teaches children to respond to right and wrong independently. If we do not discipline our children, we suffer the unpleasant consequences with them. Discipline should be fair. Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The punishment has to fit the crime. A child should not be spanked for an honest mistake, nor should he be abused through discipline. Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. If discipline is excessive and unfair, a child will grow up lacking self-confidence. Discipline should be consistent. We have the responsibility to run our home as much as like the world as possible to prepare our children to live in the world. Parents should agree on the rules and enforce them together. Consistently we teach our children there are logical, predictable consequences for their actions: • At age three if they deliberately disobey, the consequences may be a spanking. • At age six if they do not make their beds, they may not be allowed to play. Discipline should be firm. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. I lose my effectiveness if I say what I do not mean.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 35 Their actions and our actions bring about consequences in the real world. If dad gets caught driving 60 miles per hour in a 40 mile per hour zone, he gets a ticket. If mom is on a diet but nibbles cookies all day long, she will gain instead of lose weight. Principles of discipline. 1 Be prompt. With a very young child it is important to carry out the punishment promptly after the misbehaviour has occurred. Waiting until daddy gets home or threatening to talk about it later builds unnecessary fear and postpones consequences beyond the vivid recollection of the misbehaviour. 2 Be consistent. When behaviour is unacceptable, a parent may have to choose a serious consequence as punishment or discipline. Every parent needs to know what punishment or form of discipline is most effective with each child. Whatever consequence is chosen, the most important thing is consistency in not ignoring that same unacceptable behaviour when it occurs again. To give a serious punishment for hurting little sister today and to ignore or only give a mild admonition the next time it happens sends a confusing message on the limits to behaviour in the family.

PARENTING 3 Be just. Get the facts straight to the best of your ability. Perhaps your son broke the vase because big brother was teasing and caused him to knock it down. Unjust punishment creates resentment and bitterness. 4 Be compassionate. Showing favouritism toward one child or continually overlooking misdeeds is unwise, but on occasion an expression of loving compassion is a wise way to deal with misbehaviour. A display of mercy is a reminder of love and an incentive to good behaviour. Pray. Daily ask God to give you His wisdom and discernment in disciplining your child. Utilize consequences. The most beneficial reproof often uses the immediate consequences, or something closely related to the misbehaviour. If your child insists on playing with food at mealtime, taking away the food is a sure reminder not to play with what is before him the next time food is offered to eat. 5 Be loving. All reprimands and corrective discipline ought to be followed by an assurance of forgiveness and love from the parent. Your child needs to know for what and why he is punished. Ask him to relate the incident and to ask for forgiveness. A time of hugging and kissing, smiling and comforting will reassure your child of forgiveness and restoration. He is assured that he is punished for the wrong action and not for who he is.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 37 6 Avoid yelling. It is useless. A loud and harsh voice will create a negative atmosphere for effective communication to take place. In our daily communication with our children, one of the most serious mistakes parents make is the volume of our voice. There are many times when the need to say "no" is obvious, but we must learn to say "no" effectively so that we can continue to build confidence and communicate to our children that they can be trusted. Often a "no" communicates the idea that we are not sure we can trust a child involved or whether the situation or thing is really good for that child. We need to say "no" carefully but firmly. Sometimes when we say "no" but we are willing to discuss it later, we can say, "Well, at the moment the answer is 'no’ because I haven't had time to think about it. Why do not we talk about it after the weekend or when you finish your exams?" This is not a promise to say "yes" but since I do not know all the facts we need to talk about it more thoroughly." We must keep this promise, because our credibility and our child's trust in us are at stake. Give good reasons for saying 'no'. Sometimes, when we are asked 'why?' we can also gently ask our children 'what do you think the reasons are? Can you think of any reason why we would not want you to do this or go to this particular place?' Listen. Be fair and keep the lines of communication open. Seek to know and understand your children's world, interests and friends. Take time to listen to the music they are inclined to listen. Know the books and magazines that attract them. Seek first to understand, than to be understood.

PARENTING Communicate with knowledge and understanding rather than in the dark and with a dominating attitude. Concentrate on what our children are trying to relate to us and not try to close the subject and move onto what we want to share. Ask questions related to the subject so that your children can share accordingly. When children say rude things. It is important to note that children who tease or do name-calling start off innocently. Very young children do not know that they should not say such words. It is the parent's duty to explain why this kind of language should not be used. Tell them that people who use such language are not considerate of the feelings of others. Help them to bridge the understanding of differences and similarities. Children in their preschool years use name- calling and rudeness to show off their assertiveness. They like to see the reactions of the adults and feel they have a sense of power over them. They tend to test their limits with you, showing off to others they can use words to cause you to be red-faced and speechless. When this happens, you should let your child know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable. Teaching children to be polite and respectful of others can help them to be more confident in many new situations. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 39 Modelling We transmit values to our children most effectively by the way we live our lives. What we do speaks louder than what we say, and our children do as they see done. Observe how they mimic us: the way the hands go on the hips. Even their bad habits are usually our bad habits. We have great power over and impact upon our children by our actions. A child learns what he lives. Give our children a spiritual culture. Key point: Our children will be acculturated to “something”; they will not remain “cultureless”. The family is the primary learning community. The family is the primary theological community. Parents do not share the glory of God with their children when they themselves do not see the glory of God. Your children cannot know everything there is to know about life without God’s revelation. Behaviour of children is shaped by the inside. So, our target is heart change. Target the hearts of our children. Key point: You cannot change your child. You can prepare and help your child to seek God and see his/her own heart. 8

PARENTING Getting to the heart of your child begins by looking at your own heart. We are God’s instrument of grace and change in our child’s life. If we are not looking at our own hearts as parents, we will turn moments of ministry into a moment of anger; we will personalize it; we become an adversary; and we will settle for a quick, temporary solution that does not change the heart. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 41 Early Training Rules 0 – 2 years old: Bonding takes place when father, mother and child are together immediately after birth to caress and nurse the newborn. The first few weeks: teach him that for everything there is a time; a time to sleep, a time to wake up, a time to eat, and a time to be quietly contented. The first few months: baby is totally dependent upon the parents for everything. We communicate our love through the senses of touching, feeling, hearing and tasting. At about six months, baby begins to realize he is separate from his mother and may feel secure only when his mother is in sight. This is separation anxiety, and the aim is to build a feeling of security so that baby gradually feels a sense of security at greater distances and for greater time periods away from mother. The basic trust established at this point becomes the foundation for autonomy and independence later in life, especially in adolescence. The tightest physical bonding happens when baby is cuddly and immobile. 9 We show our love through our protection.

PARENTING …………………………………………………………………………………… 2 – 5 years old: Learning to live under authority: they begin to move around quickly, are totally self-centred, have not developed good judgment, and are bent on proving independence at all costs. They continually test the limits; and patterns of obedience formed now have lasting impact. If the rule is the child does not go out the front door alone, that rule must be strictly enforced, with logical, predictable, consistent consequences for disobedience. Toddlers are self-centred and interpret the world around them in terms of what's good for them, they learn to repeat behaviour that is rewarded and affirmed and avoid behaviour that brings unpleasant results. In spite of strict discipline, we need to acknowledge and allow their quest for independence rather than thwart it, and we need to allow them freedom in the areas where the consequences are acceptable to us. Choice of clothing is a favourite area for toddlers to express their independence. About age three, hair becomes an owned decision. We must allow our children to start practising decision making about age two, so they begin to sense our confidence in their growing independence and start gaining their own confidence in their ability to do so. The principle is "actions bring consequences".

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 43 Give them appropriate responsibilities: helping simple chores like throwing soiled paper into the waste bin, making their beds, folding clothes and keeping their rooms clean and tidy. The less-than-perfect results are acceptable. We teach them good work habits, including the understanding that we all have to do things we do not want to do sometimes. Some things in life are boring or unpleasant, but necessary. They are bound to vacillate between fierce independence and clinging dependence. The pendulum of moods can confuse and test a parent's patience. The child who insists upon putting on his shoes when we are in a hurry is the same child who sits on your lap and sucks his thumb when we get to the friend's house instead of joining the other children in the playroom. At home his independence irritates you; now his dependence embarrasses you. While children make strides toward independence, they constantly need to reaffirm their love and attachment to parents. They may become clingy when they feel insecure about routines, confused about their parents' coming and going, or pressured by overprotection. Going off to preschool is a milestone of independence, and our children's preschool teacher encourages parents to be sensitive to separation anxieties that might occur during the first week of school. Forcing a child to do something at clingy moments only adds to that child's feelings of insecurity.

PARENTING Parents are to be prepared to stay with the child the first couple of days, if the child desires, to ease him into the new situation with security. In spite of our children's introduction to school experiences, we remain their most influential and consistent teachers, especially when it comes to their spiritual training. During the preschool years, they view God much as they do Santa Claus: unreal and magical. They cannot comprehend the meaning of death and resurrection because death for them is pretend and temporary. It comes from TV. "Bang! Bang! You're dead!" they shout, shooting wooden sticks at each other. "Now let's get up and play something else." During preschool years, they eagerly devour Bible stories, but some are more appropriate than others. God's creation of the earth, stories about the first family, and stories about Jesus helping people and talking to children give them an understanding of the power of God and of Jesus' love for children. Stories of Isaac's sacrifice and the stoning of Stephen demand a maturity they do not have. Jesus talked of children's accepting response as an example of the faith we all should seek: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Children's sense of God and their ability to grasp spiritual concepts change significantly as they grow up.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 45 Have simple, trusting faith, and truth is anything we tell them. They do not reason, but they can begin to appreciate the idea of trust in God's promises by comparing Scriptures with the reality they know: Night follows day, and spring follows winter just as God promises. We strengthen their budding self-image by teaching them they are children of God. They are capable of understanding the following basic lessons: A concept of God, who He is, His character, His attributes. Love and respect for the Bible. Prayer. Kindness towards others. Obedience to God and parents. Knowledge of the common Bible characters. Use lots of visual aids, physical closeness, and repetition. At times, a thirty- second prayer may have more impact on a squirmy three-year-old than a five-minute Bible lesson. Remember: it's never too late to have an impact on our children's lives. Key point: Your excuse of authority is a rescue mission - returning your child back to the safety of God’s protection. God’s main tool for rescue between the ages 0-5 is “the rod”. All battles need to be done now; every day is a battle. Ephesians 6:1-3. Children are to live in the circle of authority and obey and honour parents - a willing submission that causes the child to obey, to do what he/she is told to without challenge, without excuse and without delay. Children are to treat their parents with respect and esteem. Respect because of the office where authority is exercised.

PARENTING Children should respect your position which represents the perfect authority of God though you are not perfect. Children do not need you as buddies. You are not their peer! …………………………………………………………………………………… 6 - 12 years old: Routine is established. Character development is hard work. Character is based on a relationship with God. Character development in a child begins with the parent’s own character. Character is the mental, moral quality of a person that leads to the distinctive nature of his/her reaction to a situation. Not every wrong is a direct rebellion to authority; but could be due to lack of character. God has the power to work character into your children. Focus on character is important. Beware of sins of shocking degree of laziness, covetousness, greed, etc. They need to be taught to share. They are made to live with the awareness of God’s presence. “Mom cannot see what you did but God can!” God defines what it means to be a good person. God sets the standard. Sin puts other things in God’s place. What is the most seductive idol? Self! 2 Corinthians 5:15 Rather than finding joy to do what is right, they do what they want. Rescue their heart by talking about idols, especially the idol of self. Help children to know the wrong of idols of comfort, control. Root character in the worship of the heart. Connect character to worship. Everything the child does is a form of worship. You need to live your spirituality in everyday life! God will provide what you need to parent well.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 47 …………………………………………………………………………………… 13 – 19 years old: Face peer pressure, conform, identify, physical temptation, sexual immorality, influence of high technology. Key points: importance of authority, development of character. Allowing opportunities for children to make decisions and accept consequences is a tool for character development. There are 3 types of relationships with your teenager - preventive, corrective, protective. The struggles your teens face will determine the parenting opportunities and parental roles. Teens need parents who make wisdom and correction desirable. The standard of the home is now their standard. This is the transitional period of time to prepare children for their expatriation. The process of ‘if I make the wrong decision, I face the consequences’ while they are still at home where you can interact and guide. You are the judge, guide, authority. Allow the child to make some decisions. Do not settle for situation solutions and behavioural control!! The goal is to work at his/her heart! Do not give in to powerlessness nor to the cynicism of this culture - the teenage driver. Goal oriented responses are conceptually and morally driven. Reactivity is not as productive as goal-oriented responses. Typical responses of teenagers provide opportunities for correction and counsel. Themes arise from Proverbs. If a father has to repeat himself, he has identified a problem or struggle of teenagers.

PARENTING Typical struggles of teenagers (Proverbs 1-8) There is no hunger for wisdom and correction. Our job is to sell to our teenagers the wisdom that he/she is not seeking. We need to create a sense of need to make wisdom and correction beautiful. This may occur in moments which are unplanned. There is tendency against legalism. Teenagers are averse to strict rules, challenging authority. Parents can be flexible while upholding guidelines to make the home the most hospitable place in the community. Let him/her live in a place where there is no lying, cheating, falsehood, etc. Encourage the right sense of values in the home. They are unwise in the choice of companions. Expose them to good people. Be open to communicate. Have an open-door home so that friends are welcome. The best investment is to bring the world to your door. Meet the families of their friends. They are particularly susceptible to sexual temptation. In a world that is going sexually insane, they are so obsessed with sexuality, obsessed about physical appearances, seeing women as objects of sex, addiction to pornography, etc. The focus is more on physical appearance than the spiritual. Human identity is more than outward appearances. Parents can encourage focus on inner moral values and self-acceptance in their 10

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 49 teenagers. They can also be taught self-control to avoid sexual temptation. They lack eschatological perspective. They tend to have a harvest mentality versus a treasure mentality, which is related to values. Set aside time on a daily basis to have devotions with your children. In this way, they will not succumb to peer pressure as inner resources are being built through prayer and constant sharing of biblical principles. Talk about God, celebrate God. Point the child to the beauty of God’s way. They tend to lack heart awareness. Be an instrument to let the teenager see lack. God is never unkind to give you a situation without a solution you need to overcome. Always trust God’s timing. The message of Jesus is a message of fresh starts. Encourage them to see how they can be used as soft brushes in God’s redemptive hands. Key points: • Teens believe they are sheltered from the “good life”. Parents need to show them the beauty of God’s way. • Teens often tend to be unwise about their choice of companions. Parents need to make their home a hospitable place for teens to be welcome. • Teens are particularly susceptible to sexual temptation. Provide healthy, fulfilling activities to defer the focus. • Teens focus more on the present than the future. Parents need to help their teens see how consequences are the result of their choices and help them see how their choices are based on what they most value.

PARENTING • Teens tend to be blind to their own blindness. Parents need to help their teens see what God wants them to see. Family Fun Time Builds Memories It is necessary to paint in our mind a family where joy, fun and laughter are as common as eating and sleeping. A place where recreation and fun create that opportunity or freedom for children to flourish, where parents can mould indeed what cannot be taught in words. Where the fragrance of acceptance, fun and unconditional love are present. Children enjoy fun moments and these fun moments will build lasting memories, which are important for them to combat life-challenging demands in their future years. As we learn to laugh at ourselves, we will help our children learn to laugh at themselves and also learn to relax. What can parents do to make their homes a more fun place to be? Go swimming, take a walk, build a kite, watch a movie, play board games, sports like badminton, etc. Learn to laugh at yourself when things go wrong. This teaches children that it is okay not to take life too seriously. It shows them that you believe everyone will get another chance to try again. Laugh with someone who has seen the humour of a situation, not at someone who has yet to come to grips with the circumstances. Keep sarcasm that hurts out of your home. Laughter and liveliness should also have 11

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 51 limits. Do not keep teasing someone when it is no longer funny and do not poke fun at people in positions of authority over your children or those who are disabled. As parents we need to initiate the process of building family fun time into our time together as a family and it would be one of life's best investments for us, our spouse and our children, which will yield intangible rewards in the years ahead. Smile to one another for a start. Children spell love as time. Most children have their primary love language as quality time in - undivided attention from their parents. They just love their parents to spend time with them and be there for them to answer their why's, how's, what's, when, etc. There are children who even behave mischievously to get the time and attention of their parents. Quality and quantity time with focused attention are important ingredients to foster a loving and caring environment for children to grow and develop holistically. It is up to us to make a conscious and determined effort to schedule and allocate time to be with our children. Time invested in being with them, teaching and coaching them is certainly an investment that would build the roots and foundation of their future. Our children need us as their role model.

PARENTING Quality time is for teaching, and quantity time is for bonding. We do not reap immediate results. It is only when children become older and are able to reflect on their childhood that they appreciate the time their parents invested on them. One to one time with our children preferably by both parents (one parent to one child) are occasions which create a deep bond with our children. If parents are willing to invest time to talk with their children when they are 4, they will continue to talk when they are 14, 24, 34, etc. Children tend to take gifts received for granted rather than in an appreciative manner. Sometimes we are too busy providing for and giving to our children what we did not have (all manner of toys) that we have forgotten to give them what we do have (values, positive heritage and traditions). Maximise the window of opportunity. Children look forward to spending time with their parents and can be easily disappointed when plans change. Seize the opportunity to spend time with our children. Do what we can today, tomorrow may never come. Events that happen during the 4-12 years old period are remembered and cherished. Spend one-to-one time with each of your children. Tell your children about your Time is the essence in inculcating values and passing on our heritage to our children.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 53 holiday plans only when we have confirmed the schedule so that they will not be disappointed. Our children look to us as their role model and the consistency of our words and actions are important compass for them in their growing years. Groom them with loving and consistent discipline. …

PARENTING Boundaries Our children enter the world depending on their parents to provide love, care and guidance. They need to be introduced to rules and order by their parents. It is important for parents to tell their children what the rule is before it is broken. Rules should be clear and concise as to what is expected and why. Nobody can read our minds. One of the first and most important rule is a child's respect for his parents and grandparents. Introduce this concept from a very young age. Teach them to greet, be polite and courteous and most of all to speak with politeness and respect to their parents. Whenever the boundary of respect is crossed and their words and actions become disrespectful, they are given a stern warning that a boundary has been challenged and if they continue, they would be corrected with love and explanation. They are also made to understand why a punishment was enforced. …………………………………………………………………………………… 1 Defend the boundaries when defiantly challenged When a child defiantly challenges authority, do not disappoint them. Reserve a spanking for that moment of conflict when our child dares us to defend our right to lead. No other form of discipline is as effective as a spanking when wilful defiance is involved. It requires effort and energy in disciplining a child when he crosses the boundaries defiantly. 12Define the boundaries in advance.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 55 We need to correct the action so that our child knows that we mean what we say. This will also ensure that he listens to us in the future. The value of our words will be questioned if we do not defend the boundaries when defiantly challenged. Parents should always explain clearly immediately after the correction that the issue is the action and not the person. …………………………………………………………………………………… 2 Determine the boundaries that are crossed Do not spank for forgetfulness or to reinforce a lesson because these acts are not wilful defiance and will be resented by the child if corporal punishment is exercised. Parents should be sensitive in the early years of children where actions can be abrupt and not well controlled as they are developing their motor skills. It is wise to put away expensive decorative items in the play area to avoid unnecessary accidents. …………………………………………………………………………………… 3 Have a strategy Children stomp their feet, refuse to clean up, make rude remarks, etc. Did I overreact? Am I a responder rather than a trainer? A good strategy is parents discussing and agreeing on a proper and appropriate method to enforce discipline and the training of children. It is wise for a spouse to remain silent and discuss later in private rather than arguing and disagreeing in the presence of the children. Any disagreement should never be voiced out in front of the children.

PARENTING …………………………………………………………………………………… 4 Set clear goals Do not be affected by views of other parents. You know your child best. Remain focused. If our intention is to train a child to have a proper meal during dinner, we must ensure the child does not indulge in snacks or soft drinks just before the meal as it may affect his appetite. The child should also be allowed to feel hungry so that he will be desirous to fulfil his needs. Ensure that the child is not physically exhausted just before the meal as this would lead to a lack of appetite. …………………………………………………………………………………… 5 Passing on a legacy of positive values Family moments have a lasting effect when they come through instructive interactive and creative events where our children can observe and participate in. Find opportunities to pass on a positive and healthy legacy for our children. Perseverance pays. Let us leave our children with footprints we want them to follow. Seize teachable moments and the ingredients include verbal, visual as well as testimonial. Be there! Parents are the best tutors to communicate the importance of learning contentment in life. It should start from simple things like the food we eat, to the toys we play with. This should be taught when our children are young and in their formative years so they will remember and apply it later in life. Contentment is very much a virtue as is patience and kindness.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 57 We must learn to be thankful for what we have and not covet more to the extent of losing relationships with relatives and friends, as well as our health. We can learn to be generous if we have more than what we need. We need to ensure that the words we say each day are seasoned with salt for the purpose of encouragement and edification. Words are like toothpaste, once out, cannot be taken back. Advise them to be careful with the words they use and ask them to only consider saying positive and encouraging words. …………………………………………………………………………………… 6 Falling back on instinct What works for one child might not work on another and that is when knowing your child's temperament comes in handy. Parenting by instinct and listening to your children instead of following a manual is important. Some children are regular with their habits and create the perfect routine for themselves while others are all over the place. There are three basic types of temperament in babies - easy-going, active and cautious. Active children are fussy and often have irregular patterns. They can react strongly to new situations and can be easily upset by noise. They need plenty of opportunities to run around and exercise. Children who are shy are cautious in new situations.

PARENTING …………………………………………………………………………………… 7 Fulfilling the mental health of children Attention. Affection. Affirmation. When punishment is not consistent, with no clear-cut rules, children get confused and dejected, only to lose respect for such parents. Start teaching the dos and don'ts, the rights and wrongs. Focus on dos. Do eat healthily. Do pray. Do your homework. Watch wholesome TV. Listen to wholesome music. Set limits of acceptable behaviour. Let them know there are boundaries. As you set them, discuss with them. Talk with them about their responsibilities within those boundaries. Teach your children the relationship between boundaries and responsibilities. Boundaries change with maturity. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 59 Sibling Rivalry The steps of conflict resolution: • Parent is coach, not judge. Be objective, detached and neutral. Do not direct, criticize or blame. This is your children’s problem, not yours. • Remind children that no one will get in trouble, no one will lose. • Tell them to tell each other their complaints, not you. • Give them each uninterrupted turns to tell their side of the story. • Facilitate the problem solving with questions or empathizing comments. • Offer suggestions but do not control the outcome. • Make lists of all suggestions, no matter how trite or unacceptable. Check off ones you cannot agree on. You always have veto power. • All must agree on the final solution. • Write a contract if necessary. • Always reinforce the no-blame solution. 13

PARENTING …………………………………………………………………………………… In all home situations such as the morning rush, chores, sibling rivalry, peer pressure, homework, mealtime, bedtime, use the following checklist: 1 How is your child’s behaviour intended for success? • What might your child’s misbehaviour help her avoid, be protecting her from? • Remember your child as a toddler. Was there enthusiasm and a desire to please? • What got in his way? • Why would she not want to be successful? Remember that she is never happy being manipulative or out of control. …………………………………………………………………………………… 2 What is your child’s behaviour signalling? • Be a detective and look for any possible clues the behaviour is giving. See the behaviour as a red flag. What is your child trying to tell you? • Look for the roots beneath the behaviour. Write down all you can think of whether or not they seem accurate. Ask your partner, relatives and close friends for roots they may see. • What does her behaviour tell you about her internal emotional state? What are the external conditions combining with those emotions? • Is your acceptance of your child unconditional?

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 61 • Make a list of all your child’s characteristics. Ask your partner, relatives and close friends. • Determine what characteristics are due to inborn temperament and what are learned behaviour. • Ask yourself if you unconditionally accept all temperamental aspects of your child or are you trying to change her to be who you want. …………………………………………………………………………………… 3 Are your expectations setting your child up for success or failure? • Ask yourself honestly what your standards of behaviour are and what you expect your child to do or say. Is that realistic and appropriate given her temperament, individual learning style and development? • Can your child meet your expectations successfully? If not, how can you adjust them to fit what he is capable of meeting successfully right now? • Name your expectations and ask yourself what messages they are sending to your child. …………………………………………………………………………………… 4 Are you making connection? • How do you typically react to your child’s behaviour? Do your reactions create a gap or encourage her to stay and work it out? • Does your child know that you will always accept his feelings and thoughts?

PARENTING • Remember to be a sounding board. Offer no advice, buts or questions. Simply validate and empathize. …………………………………………………………………………………… 5 How can you focus on what you want to grow? • Make sure your eyes and words reflect more positives than negatives. Be specific with appreciation. Do not praise generally. • Name a quality you would like to see grow. Nurture it whenever you see it. • What aspect of your child’s demand or resistance can you point out positively? For example, “You really know what you want.” …………………………………………………………………………………… 6 How can you solve the problem without punishment? • Hold your child accountable. Wait until all emotions have cooled. State the problem, hers or yours, do not lay blame and respectfully ask how it could have happened differently. • Ask questions to facilitate his thinking. Do not direct and tell him what to do. • Set up consequences ahead of time as often as possible so your child knows what to expect. Offer a choice of the behaviour or the consequence. Follow through. Write contracts when appropriate.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 63 …………………………………………………………………………………… 7 Are you keeping strong boundaries? • Do you know the difference between your problems and your child’s? Own your problems and ask for cooperation. Help but do not deny, rescue or fix your child’s problems. • Are you taking responsibility for your problems and not expecting your child to solve them? Are you allowing your child to take responsibility for his problems and not developing his dependency on you to do the solving? • The more you are able to detach and not take things personally, the better you are able to help, offer suggestions and ask questions to facilitate your child’s own problem solving. …………………………………………………………………………………… Tips for staying calm • When emotions are healed, stop dangerous actions only. Do not react. • Never try to teach a lesson or solve a problem in the heat of the moment. • Walk away if you think you will yell, blame or shame. • Count to ten. • Inhale and exhale deeply at least 3 times. • Find a word or phrase to repeat to yourself that will hold you back from reacting even for a second.

PARENTING • Remind yourself that your child is having a problem, not being a problem. • If your emotions are high, acknowledge that you are having a problem as well. Own it. Do not make your child responsible for your feelings or reactions. • Do not take it personally. Do be a sounding board. • Appeal to your child’s sense of fairness and logic. • Remember, this too will pass. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 65 Fundamental Helpful Suggestions It’s okay to say no. You can nurture in your child the ability to delay gratification, an essential component of maturity. Not for the purpose of establishing control of a situation, nor to get the child off your back, but a thoughtful no. “No, you can’t have that because you don’t need it and because we can’t afford it” is an appropriate way to help your children learn to delay gratification. Children who grow up expecting their wishes to be fulfilled immediately will have much greater difficulty in becoming a mature adult. Children need to know that certain behaviours always result in certain consequences. When children fear the consequences of an action they will learn to control their behaviour. Instilling a fear of unpleasant consequences is an effective way to lead children away from inappropriate behaviour - to make them do the things they need to but don’t want to, or to make them refrain from doing things they ought not to do. 14 Your goal is to help your children reach the stage of maturity at which behaviour is guided by internal guideposts, but until then, you must provide the external controls.

PARENTING Children need a sense of stability. Keep things constant and predictable as much as possible: small daily routine and rituals as well as big issues. Children raised with stability are more likely than those whose formative years are erratic and unsure to become adults who are able to cope with change and insecurity. Children learn by imitation. They need constant exposure to the kinds of people and actions you want them to imitate. Demonstrate appropriate ways of interacting with and speaking to others. Avoid using sarcasm and establish clear rules about teasing. Children need to get enough sleep. Establish and maintain a regular bedtime and wake-up time for yourself and your children. All of us function better with sufficient rest. Know your children’s abilities and adjust your expectations accordingly. When people get good results from hard work, their self-esteem grows. If the tasks are too difficult, they get discouraged; if too easy, they will not progress and develop new skills. Stay aware of your children’s changing abilities and learn when and how hard to push. Be flexible. Sometimes a child needs a change of environment in order to be successful in academic or social situations. This may include behaviour modification, adjustments in academic expectations, parenting training, or the use of whatever professional resources are available. Children need appropriate modelling of behaviour.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 67 Listen to your children. Curiosity is an important ingredient in every child’s development. Spend time with your children. Time - not isolated ‘quality’ units, but a lot of time - given to a child will produce great rewards. Set limits and provide guidelines. Children get frustrated when they have no idea what they can and cannot do. Limits at home prepare your children for limits in life. Young children become emotionally prepared for the challenge of peers and of school when their first limits have been lovingly set by parents. By establishing rules and guidelines for your children, you are teaching them values such as tolerance, respect, understanding, cleanliness, joyfulness and courtesy. Setting limits must be done calmly, clearly and consistently with little or no emotion or argument. Change your mood from fun to neutral, but not to anger. Consistent limits mean that you stay cool, calm but committed. Loving a child doesn’t mean giving in to all his/her whims; to love him/her is to bring out the best in him/her, to teach him/her to love what is difficult. Parents must hurt their children’s feelings at times to influence or change behaviour. You are preparing them to be self- controlled and self-reliant. Be consistent. Peer pressure is a powerful force that can challenge even the firmest parent’s resolve. Parents can create a stumbling block when they fail to discuss and determine how they feel. Teach them they are not the centre of the universe.

PARENTING When parents speak with two voices instead of one, can you blame a child for taking advantage of the moment? Laugh with your children. It is often a sense of humour that gets a family through the turmoil, the difficult moments. Talk with your children. In a healthy environment, there is not only laughter but also good conversation. Life is not just about striving for excellence. It is also about love and loss, about understanding amid confusion, and about acting in as responsible and caring a manner as possible. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 69 Twelve Ways To Improve Learning Here are twelve ways to improve learning and prevent attentional problems in children: 1. Touch and hold your child as much as possible in the first six months of life. 2. Limit television exposure until your child is 20 to 24 months of age. After age 2 restrict television to one hour per day, including computer time, videos and video games. Never have a television set in a young child’s room. 3. Encourage toys that stimulate the brain to work. Provide toys such as books, puzzles, stuffed animals, chalk and crayons and eliminate those that merely provide sounds and words without requiring language use by the child. 4. Limit choices and reduce chaos by rotating toys in play areas or playrooms. With the exception of books, more is not better. 5. Promote independent play. Give young children fifteen or twenty minutes by themselves when they awaken from sleep. Encourage make-believe self- play when they get older. 15

PARENTING 6. Encourage activities that stimulate verbal interaction with parents or caretakers. Play interactive games that children enjoy such as London Bridge and Ring around the Rosie. Talk with your children during grocery shopping, bath time and family meals. 7. Provide physical limits to overactivity by using a playpen, defined play area, gates or Dutch doors. 8. Beginning at birth, include 30 minutes of nonverbal, soft music in your child’s routine each day. Continue this practice as long as possible. Sing to your child often. 9. Do not allow your child’s sleep be interrupted by other activities. This includes night times, mornings and nap times. 10. Instil sound dietary habits in your children. Provide balanced and nutritious meals. Eliminate most juices, sports drinks and soft drinks between meals. Minimize exposure to excess sugar and additives. 11. Helping your child acquire confidence is more important than teaching your child competence. Build your children’s confidence by praising and encouraging them. Show them that you value their ideas, opinions and suggestions. Children have more need of models than of critics. 12. Instil in your children from an early age these things: persistence, a love for learning, a respect for other human beings, a tolerance of differences and a simple yet sound social philosophy.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 71 Notable Quotes 1. Marriage does not just happen! It takes a solid set of decisions, a huge amount of skill and enormous will-power. 2. In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer. 3. Many couples destroy each other because they are afraid to give up their rights to be right. 4. Express appreciation for each other. Accepting each other makes a stable marriage. Appreciating each other, however, makes a sensational marriage. 5. The greatest gift a mother and a father can give to their children is to love each other and live together under one roof. 6. Shared laughter is like family glue. It is the stuff of family well-being and all-is-well thoughts. It brings us together as few other things can. 7. Parenthood is a partnership with God. You are not moulding iron nor chiselling marble; you are working with the Creator of the universe in shaping human character and determining destiny. 16

PARENTING 8. We parents have a tough assignment, but most of us would not have it any other way. This most difficult, important, and wonderful task of all is to teach our children to trust God. 9. Every father is the family role model, whether he wants the job or not. 10. In my home, I form my view of life - what to embrace, what to abhor, what to feed my mind and how I think. In short, home forms my character for life. 11. Praise is used to reinforce positive, constructive behaviour. It should be highly specific rather than general. Parents should always watch for opportunities to offer genuine, well-deserved praise to their children. 12. Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently. 13. Home is where families mend each other. In this place, I am welcome. I am safe. 14. When it comes to parenting, children do not bloom and grow if their roots are constantly ripped out. Insecurity in a home pulls our roots; security provides the depth and shelter for them to thrive. 15. Every child is of equal worth, without respect to physical beauty, intelligence, health or productivity. That inherent value is a gift from the Creator, who loves us all with infinite fervour.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 73 16. Children learn from their parents whether life is a wonderful adventure or an endurance of one disappointment after another. 17. Parental warmth after discipline is essential to demonstrate that it is the behaviour - not the child himself - that the parent rejects. 18. Children are natural mimics - they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners. 19. When properly applied, loving discipline works! It stimulates tender affection, made possible by mutual respect between a parent and a child. It bridges the gap which otherwise separates family members who should love and trust each other. 20. The objective of parenting is to take the raw material with which our babies arrive on this earth and then gradually mould it into mature, responsible and God-fearing adults. 21. Every day that goes by without spiritual training for your children is a day that can never be recaptured. 22. Children are meant to understand compassion and comfort because they have received compassion and comfort - and this should be in the family setting. A family should be a place where comfort is experienced and understood, so that the people are prepared to give comfort to others. Comfort should be related to the word family.

PARENTING 23. Life inevitably brings pain and sorrow to little people and we hurt when they hurt. We want to rise like a mighty shield to protect them - to hold them snugly within our embrace. Yet there are times when we must let them struggle. Children cannot grow without taking risks. 24. Parents are teachers. Our children will learn from us -good or bad, positive or negative. We are their teachers whether or not we accept this responsibility. 25. Children love the simplest, repetitive kinds of activities. They want to be read the same stories hundreds of times and to hear the same jokes long after they have heard the punch lines. These interactions with parents are often more fun than expensive or special events. 26. Loving discipline encourages a child to respect other people and live as a responsible, constructive citizen. 27. I hate to see my children suffer but loving them means doing what is best for them, not what hurts the least. ……………………………………………………………………………………

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 75 This poem speaks volumes about investing in our children: If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident. If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal. If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him. If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live, to love and be loved. …

PARENTING Summaries of Books Ten Tips On Reading The Bible With Children Authored by Sandy Galea …………………………………………………………………………………… 1. It is never too early to begin reading the Bible to children. From a very young age establish the routine - Bible, bath, bed (or bath, Bible, bed). 2. Establish a regular time when you read the Bible with your child (breakfast, dinner or bedtime). 3. Regular and short is better than irregular and drawn- out. 4. Use age-appropriate Bibles. 5. Repetition is fine - children often want to hear the same story again and again. 6. As children grow older vary what you do - use bought material or read a passage then ask: What do you like about the story? What questions do you have about the story? 7. As children grow older, encourage everyone in the family (adults as well as children) to ask one question about what's being read, then pray together about what you've learnt. 17

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 77 8. If you're regularly away from your children, establish the pattern of reading the Bible with your children over Skype. 9. Be creative – draw or retell the Bible story. Use dress- ups, Lego, toys, collage, paint, playdough, etc. 10. Be sure to read books like The Big Picture Bible Story that teach the Bible's big story to help children see that the Bible is not just a collection of little stories but one big story. And that Jesus isn't in just parts of the Bible, the whole Bible is about Jesus! …………………………………………………………………………………… Techniques to Teach Children to Pray – Praying in different ways: • Teaches children to pray. • Helps children see that God listens to us however we pray. • Helps children see that prayer is more than just a "ritual" that we do at the end of each lesson. a. A-C-T-S Prayer Adoration Thank you that you are (God's character) Confession Sorry that ... (My sins) Thanksgiving Thank you for ... (God's actions) Supplication We ask that ... (Our requests - Jesus, others, you)

PARENTING b. The Lord's Prayer Saying the Lord's prayer is a really good way of teaching children how to pray. You can pray it every week and explain a different line each time. This can help teach children to pray for God's concerns and not just their own and is useful for later in life when they're in church. c. Repeated Prayer The teacher leads in prayer a line at a time and the children repeat the line. d. Written prayers Write out prayers and choose children to read out the prayer. This can work well when praying on a particular topic (such as praying for the spread of the gospel in a particular country). e. Prayer card shuffle Prayer card shuffle is designed to help people who do not usually pray (or have never prayed), to pray out aloud. Give everyone a card to write a prayer point or two on. Then shuffle the cards and redistribute them. Pray out loud by going around the group one after the other, so that everyone ends up praying for another person. They can take the card home to pray for the person during the week.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 79 f. Popcorn Prayer Children can pray a short one sentence prayer. The prayer can be about anything people want to pray for. This segment gives people the freedom to pray spontaneously and without any regimented structure, it teaches them that prayer does not need to be orderly. g. Prayer by Fingers Thumb: Pray for those closest to me Pointer Finger: Pray for those who point the way. E.g. Minister, Sunday School teacher, parents Middle Finger: Pray for the church Ring Finger: Pray for those who are sick or in need Little Finger: Pray for myself h. 'African' Prayer People share prayer requests with the group. Then a leader announces one of the requests. People pray silently (20-30 sec). After that the next prayer point is announced aloud, everyone prays quietly, etc. Helpful when not all are comfortable praying aloud.

PARENTING i. Prayer Barrel Ask the children to each come up with a prayer topic (i.e. Malaysia, non-Christian friends, school, etc). Write the topics on pieces of paper and put them in the barrel (or on the wheel). Choose someone to come and spin the barrel and then pick out a topic. Repeat the process till you have 3 or 4 prayer topics and then ask the group for prayer points under those topics. When there are enough prayer points, pray through them as a whole group out loud or in small groups. j. Target prayer (concentric circles) Draw 3 circles on a white board with the circles representing world issues, local issues, and individual issues respectively. After the group comes up with some prayer points for each category, pray one point each out loud as a group. k. Bible Prayers Read a prayer from the Bible, talk about what it means and then pray it together. E.g. Matthew 6:9- 15; Luke 18:13; Habakkuk 3:2-19; John 17; Ezra 9:5-15; Daniel 9:4-9; 1 Kings 8:22-30; 2 Samuel 7:18-29; Ephesians 3:14-21; Colossians 1:9-12; Philippians 1:3-11; Jude 24-25.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 81 Cure Your Child With Food: The hidden connection between nutrition and childhood ailments Authored by Kelly Dorfman …………………………………………………………………………………… The questions every nutrition detective must ask: • What are the facts? Previous illnesses or events that might be related, etc. • Which symptoms worry you the most? • When did the symptoms start? • Do the symptoms come and go? Have they changed over time? • What else was going on in your child’s life when the symptoms started? • Was your child on any medications? When did they start and stop? The EAT program: • Eliminate any irritants that may be causing a bad reaction. • Add one food at a time. • Try one bite of this food each night for 2 weeks.

PARENTING Nutrition Detective: Principle 1. The binary law of nutrition All nutritional problems fall into one of two categories. Either something is bothering the body, or something is missing: irritant or deficiency? Principle 2. Children act bad when they feel bad Until age twelve, children could not consistently give accurate information. The universal language is their behaviour. Principle 3. With picky eaters, take small consistent steps Picky eating was caused by parents indulging children’s natural tendencies to restrict their food choices. Principle 4. Our children watch our every move Why? Because they are using our cues to help them decide on the proper reaction. They rely on their parents to help self-regulate. Principle 5. If your child has stomach pain, look first at what he/she is eating or drinking One of the safest ways to address reflux is to eliminate the most common irritant - casein.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 83 Principle 6. Food intolerance is not always all or nothing A person can react poorly to a food without having a full-blown disease/ intolerance. Principle 7. Find professionals with whom you can talk and who share your values Principle 8. A bowel movement a day keeps the GI specialist away. Increase fibre in the child’s diet Principle 9. Follow your parental instincts Principle 10. Sometimes you have to think outside the box Principle 11. When a child is behaving badly, review his diet Bad behaviour can also be from bad chemistry. Principle 12. Treat the person, not the test. Principle 13. If you cannot find any direct research about your issue, explore related conditions or studies Principle 14. Look at the whole family for clues. See what tendencies run in the gene pool

PARENTING Principle 15. Timing is everything Thinking about whether or not there were dietary or formula changes at the time of the onset of the infections may help you narrow down the likely culprit. Principle 16. Not having proof of direct harm does not mean a product is safe Principle 17. Function follows structure One of the most important functions of the brain is learning, which is a chemical process. Principle 18. Children look to their parents (that’s you) to help them regulate …………………………………………………………………………………… By age one, most toddlers can fall asleep on their own, which means they have reached the milestone of sleep regulation. By age four, most preschoolers can recognize and respond appropriately to toileting signals. Useful facts: Allergies are histamine driven. Histamine is an irritating substance that causes itching and swelling. Casein is the principal milk-based protein found in most cow-based dairy products. It is the most difficult food in the human diet to digest. Essential fats. Fats make up 60 percent of our brain, with 25% of the fat being docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), the most abundant long-chain fat in the brain and eyes.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 85 Essential fatty acids (EFAs) are those that the body cannot make on its own. We need to consume them. EFAs are found in nuts, seeds, olive and canola oil, seaweed and fish. They are necessary for proper immune function, cognitive development, the function and maintenance of skin. In fact, the lack of availability of EFAs is linked to attention deficit or hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), dyslexia and a number of other behavioural and psychological disorders. There are two EFAs that must be obtained through the diet: Alpha-linolenic acid (AlA), an omega 3 fat and Linoleic acid (LA), an omega 6 fat. Essential fats are a structural part of all cell membranes. They are like the bricks in the wall - important to its integrity and function. In this case, the wall we are talking about is the cell wall. One of the jobs of the cell wall is to decide what to let in and what not to let in. Processed fat (found in chips, crackers, ice cream and frozen foods) is not a substitute for essential fats. Remember, you cannot make essential fats, you have to eat them. Essential fats are polyunsaturated. Mineral iron stops antibiotics from working, interfere with immune response. Bacteria thrives on iron and cannot grow without it. Melatonin is a hormone produced by the pineal gland in the brain. It is secreted at night to regulate the body’s sleep and wake cycles. Melatonin is not habit-forming because it is made in the brain whether you take it or not.

PARENTING Melatonin is a hormone made from the amino acid tryptophan of the pineal gland, a small cone-shaped gland in the middle of the brain. Amino acids are the building blocks of proteins. They are also the building blocks of neurotransmitters and in this case, a hormone. Tryptophan is converted to the neurotransmitter serotonin, which can be further changed into the fat-soluble hormone melatonin. Melatonin can float across brain membranes easily because the brain is mostly fat. Melatonin has also been used to treat jet lag and depression and to improve immune function (including reducing cancer risk). Magnesium is needed for normal muscle (including the heart) and nerve function, as well as immune system operations. It also helps regulate blood sugar levels and keeps bones strong. Best source is green vegetables such as spinach and chard. The next best sources are legumes, nuts, seeds and whole unrefined grains.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 87 How To Talk So Kids Can Learn: At home and in school Co-authored by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish …………………………………………………………………………………… 7 skills that invite kids to cooperate: • Describe the problem. • Give information. • Offer a choice. • Say it with a word or gesture. • Describe what you feel (make no reference to the student’s character). • Put it in writing. • Try using another voice or accent. Solving problems together: 6 steps that engage children’s creativity and commitment: • Listen to students’ feelings and needs. • Summarize their point of view. • Express my feelings and needs. • Invite the class to brainstorm with me to find a solution. • Write down all ideas - without evaluating. • Together decide which ideas we plan to use and how we plan to implement them.

PARENTING Instead of put-downs Use respectful talk That’s stupid • That’s not true • You forgot to say • What a dumb idea • You are wrong I don’t see it that way Where did you get your information? I’d like to add… • How would that idea work? • Here’s another way to look at it. CAUTION: • Do not try to problem solve if you are feeling rushed or agitated. • The first step - hearing the child out is the most important. • Be brief when expressing your feelings. • Resist the urge to evaluate their suggestions. • Make sure to work out a plan to implement the final decision. • Do not lose heart if the plan fails. Note: A battle over homework The best kind of help we can give children is indirect help. Provide a quiet place to work, a good light, a dictionary, a snack if they are hungry and just be available if they want to ask you something. If the child is stuck, listen to what’s bothering her and try to get her unstuck.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 89 Once she gets going again, bow out. She’s the one in charge of her homework and that she is capable of doing it herself. Solutions / rules for fighting • No insults. • No curses. • Don’t tell on anyone else unless they are bothering you. • No hitting or throwing. • Use your own solutions. The kind of praise that truly builds self-esteem comes in two parts: 1) the adult describes what the child has done; and 2) the child, after hearing his accomplishments described, praises himself. What Works With Children Editors: Marshall P. Duke & Sara B. Duke …………………………………………………………………………………… Every child counts. Every child comes into this world with a right to dignity and respect. In our interactions with our children, the children of others, and with each other, we must never lose sight of this truth. No child is more important than any other, nor deserves less respect or dignity. Every child is equally valuable. Every moment counts. There are no irrelevant encounters with children. Children often care about moments we may consider to be trivial as much or more than they care about contrived formal encounters we see as significant.

PARENTING As parents or teachers, we try to construct experiences that will lead, in our fondest dreams, to wonderful memories for our children. The truth is, however, that for most children, the daily interactions are much more important and memorable than the once-in-a-lifetime trips, events or experiences we think matter so much. Children remember far more the conversations around the dinner table, the laughter and smiles of impromptu moments together, than those “important” times that seemed so meaningful to us as they unfolded. Children learn by example. What we do is of utmost importance to our children. What we say matters as well, but what we do will shape the lives of those who stand by watching and learning. There is nothing more important than love. Things do not matter to children. Love does. Things are of this world and therefore fleeting. Love is spiritual and therefore permanent. We must teach our children to love people and use things and not love things and use people. Our love for our children must be unconditional. Listen more than you talk. Instead of assuming that our children need to hear us talking more - telling them, lecturing them - we need to listen. They need to know that sometimes we will listen without interrupting and without judging. Our children need to know that they can always come to us and find us there, ready to hear them, truly hear them.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 91 Hugs and kisses mean more than words. Children are never too old to be hugged and kissed, even if they say they are. Sometimes our affection may embarrass our children for the moment, but the lasting message of the hug is far more important. Encourage children to play, to laugh, to smile, to dance, to sing, to cry. Play, smile, laugh, sing and cry with them. At no time in our lives are we more uninhibited than when we are children. Let your children remind you how to express emotions, how to express joy, sorrow and love. Lessons from school and life – ways to approach life: An enthusiasm for lifelong learning. The students who are most successful and are most enjoyable to teach are those who come to class already eager to learn. Once they graduate from school, those who continue to challenge themselves will broaden their horizons. Curiosity. Along with an enthusiasm for learning, one of the most successful characteristics for success in school is curiosity - for the unusual and about the nuances of our daily encounters and the world around us. When given the opportunity, their curiosity is insatiable. Dull classes often can take the excitement out of a subject, but a student who remains inquisitive will flourish in those classes. A sense of humour. If we do not look for the humour in situations, then both we and our children will be miserable. Being able to look for the humour in situations helps adults, and children alike, put things in perspective.

PARENTING An open mind. Listen and do not jump to conclusions. It is very easy to assume that we as adults have all the answers and that we understand our children’s concerns, but most of the time, we do not. We need to take the time to listen to what our children are saying and to ask open-ended questions - questions that require answers more than just yes or no - to encourage our children to express what is really on their minds. If we show our children respect by listening closely to them, then they will do the same to others. These ways to approach life and learning benefit us as parents as well as our children as they develop and progress through school and into adulthood. Raising responsible, cooperative and caring children. The best way to teach responsibility is to give it. Children, like adults, learn best by experience. Both coercive parents (those who wish to strictly control their children or make them do things) and pampering parents (those who overprotect their children) have great difficulty in letting their children experience the consequences of their behaviour. Both the coercive and the pampering parents fail to teach children responsibility for their own behaviour because in both cases, the parents take the responsibility for the child’s behaviour. The guideline to teach a child responsibility is never do for children on a regular basis what they can do for themselves.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 93 Encourage your children to try new things. Be enthusiastic. Let them learn from their mistakes. When they do make a mistake ask questions such as “I wonder what else might you have done” Or “What would have happened if you had tried it this way instead?” Share mistakes that you have made. A good guide for parents to use is to ask, “How would I treat a friend in this situation?” “What would Jesus do?” For no reason whatsoever invite your child to take a walk with you or play a game with you. The message you send is that you respect them as fellow human beings and that you like them just the way they are. Evaluate your child frequently because children’s ability to do things for themselves changes quickly. Children are excited when they learn to do something for themselves. They feel encouraged when we ask them to do activities and chores that seem beyond their years. Do not rob children of this excitement and encouragement by doing for them what they can do for themselves. Cooperation grows out of respect. Children are far more likely to learn to cooperate with us as parents (and eventually with each other) when we use respectful techniques that invite their cooperation. Two of the most common reasons why children refuse to cooperate with us are to gain special attention or to demonstrate their power. Pampering parents give their children unnecessary attention and so teach them to expect special attention or services. These children are ill- prepared to cooperate with other children and adults.

PARENTING Coercive parents invite resistance from their children and in the resulting power struggle, neither child nor parent wins. The guideline for teaching cooperative behaviour, therefore, is to attend to the behaviour you want to teach. Play with your children and have fun as a family. This sets an atmosphere that increases the likelihood your children will be cooperative when asked to do something. Parents who are respectful of their children and involve them in decision-making processes suitable to their ages and abilities raise children who are willing to cooperate. These decisions might involve questions such as “Would you like to wear your blue shorts or green shorts?” or for older children, “Which of the jobs on the job chart would you like to do?” or “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?” To teach caring, show you care. Parents have a responsibility to teach children concern for other family members, for other members of society and for the environment. We teach this quality by displaying it ourselves. Parents are children’s first models for caring behaviour. Place value on caring behaviours among siblings. Parents who recognize siblings who share and play together cooperatively promote the attribute of kindness. Invite children to assist you with simple tasks. Thank them afterwards and recognize their contribution. As a family, work together on a project that help others. Collect items for needy people in your community or for people who have experienced a disaster. To teach caring, show you care.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 95 Be respectful of other cultures and nationalities in your conversations with your children. Teach them to be environmentally concerned. Involve them in recycling and other sound household activities. Lay the groundwork for success in school. The cornerstones of a successful life identity are very simple and basic. Students who experience them have a greater opportunity to enter adulthood armed with the necessary tools to survive. Each individual needs the security of an identity (knowing who we are). Life experiences show us who and what we are; and help us understand how we feel about what we have contributed to life as we progress through it. Children need to understand from a very early age that school is their job, and that, like other jobs, the better it is done the greater the rewards are. Living and learning with others teaches an individual how to behave appropriately. These cornerstones are: 1) a stable home life, 2) a sense of community, and 3) the possession of a faith.

PARENTING Getting On With Others Authored by John Cooper …………………………………………………………………………………… The three keys to your child’s social well-being are cooperative behaviour, social skills and social problem- solving. They are taught through positive parent-child relationship. Give attention for positive behaviour. Praise used as encouragement for effort is better than praise that is only used when a child has completed something successfully. • Send clear messages. • Stand in front of child. • Say the child’s name first. • Make eye contact. • Then give an instruction. • Focus on the point. Greeting skills: eye-contact, saying hello and smiling. The best ages to teach self-control skills are in the years between 3 and 7. The first step is to recognize our own feelings. Children can be taught different ways of reacting. Teaching children to recognize emotions. • Point out your child’s emotions. • Try to get your child to connect his feelings with the situation that produced them: positive or negative. • Prompt your child to label his own emotions.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 97 • Let your child know your feelings. • Remember you are a role model. • Point out emotions in other people. • Destructive emotions such as anger are damaging to both psychological and physical health. • Children who show more empathy do better at school. They are better at analytical thinking and are more creative. • The difference between a child who copes well with situations and one who is fearful is often how the child thinks about the situation. Helping children solve problems: Step 1. What is the problem? Step 2. How do you feel? Step 3. Calming down. Step 4. Alternative solutions. Step 5. Ask the child to work out the best solution. If your child is upset and cranky, he will not listen. If they are fighting, it is best to send them to time-out rather than attempt problem solving straight away. Later, when things are calm, you can discuss what happened. You can start by saying that you want to avoid a recurrence of the fighting. You can go through the incident and use the problem-solving steps to encourage the child to come up with the solutions. Problem-solving can be effective if you get in early, before the conflict gets out of hand.

PARENTING Some people use a picture of traffic lights for problem-solving. • Red: Stop. What is the problem? How do I feel? Take 3 deep breaths and calm down. • Orange: Think. Think of alternative solutions. Think of what would happen for each solution. • Green: Go. Pick the best solution and do. Teaching assertiveness. To be assertive means expressing one’s feelings and standing up for one’s rights while respecting the feelings and rights of others. Assertiveness can replace excess aggression in boys and unwanted submissiveness in girls. Assertiveness is also necessary if we want our children to be able to resist peer pressure. Being assertive means speaking in a clear but not loud voice. This needs to be practised. Being assertive means looking directly at people when you speak to them. Being assertive means not being rude or angry. If sibling conflict is an ongoing problem, the first step is to use an effective behaviour management strategy. It is pointless trying to find out who started whatever it was - first use the same discipline methods for both children. It takes two to fight. When the children have finished time-out, use problem solving to prevent further squabbles.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 99 Teaching both children to be assertive rather than aggressive can give them alternative ways of behaving. If parents teach the child that tantrums do not work and teach alternative appropriate behaviours, this develops strong connection between the frontal lobes and the limbic system. As these connections strengthen, the child gradually learns to control her emotions. The optimum time to teach the child this self-control is between the ages of 3 and 7, when these connections are forming. It is possible to do it later, but it takes more time and patience. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids Authored by Bonnie Harris …………………………………………………………………………………… The eight principles of confident parenting: The 1st principle – My child wants to be successful: • Good discipline builds responsibility and conscience. • A parent’s words; tone of voice and body language have the power to cast both positive and negative spells over children that can last a lifetime. The 2nd principle – Behaviour is my clue. Basic needs of a child: • Respect that is equally given. • Sense of personal power and capability to make something happen.

PARENTING • To be trusted and have the opportunity to trust others. • Sense of belonging - to feel like an important, cared-about member of the family. • Is given strong and consistent guidelines in order to know what to expect and what is expected of him. • Healthy boundaries in order to know the difference between the child’s and the parents’ responsibilities. • Positive and caring models are provided. The 3rd principle – My child’s greatest need is acceptance: • A child’s temperament is inborn. It cannot be changed but can be greatly influenced by parents positively and negatively. • Accepting the child is fundamental to making connection and influencing behaviours positively. The 4th principle – Expectations must be set for success: • We can acknowledge a child’s wants without sacrificing time, spending money or spoiling the child. • Respecting a child’s agenda rather than expecting obedience encourages cooperation. • Understand that children do not like being told what to do and when to do it. • Let your child know what you want done and ask her when you can expect her to do it. Expect that she will need a reminder.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 101 The 5th principle – Connection strengthens relationships. The steps of connective communication: • When your child has a problem or is behaving inappropriately, • Stop what you are doing and give your child your full attention. • Disengage. Stop inappropriate behaviours but do not react to, judge or criticize the behaviour. Put the behaviour aside temporarily and go for the root. • Name the problem without criticism or blame, so your child can hear you. 1. ‘You boys are having a hard time’ 2. ‘I really don’t like it when clothes are left all over the floor’ 3. ‘The TV needs to be turned off’ 4. ‘The iPad needs to be turned off’ • Do not try to fix the problem or rescue your child from it. Never deny or belittle your • child’s feelings with ‘Why are you crying about a thing like that?’ • Do not start telling your child what she should do or say. • Empathize with your child’s emotion. Validate and reflect back what you hear, see or guess is going on. Giving words to emotions let’s your child know she is normal. Remember feelings are always okay. 1. ‘I wonder if you were feeling left out’ 2. ‘I guess you were really angry at your sister to have hit her’

PARENTING • Do not worry about putting words in your child’s mouth. Mean what you say. 1. No questions yet. 2. ‘You must have felt …’ 3. ‘I wonder if …’ 4. ‘It sounds to me like …’ • No buts. Putting a ‘but’ after your empathizing statement wipes out your intention. ‘I can understand how angry you must feel, but you know you can’t hit’ - tells your child you care more about the hitting than his feelings. He is back to feeling blamed. • Rechannel emotions and energy into acceptable behaviour. 1. Give your child pillows to hit, 2. Play doh or clay to squish or paper to rip. 3. Time him while he runs up the corridor. 4. Allow a couch or a mattress for jumping. Be your child’s sounding board – Steps: • Detach. Temporarily ignore the words or behaviours. • Do not try to fix the problem or teach a lesson. • Look to the root. • Listen. • Deflect. • Trust.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 103 • Rechannel energy. • Reconnect later. The 6th principle – The behaviour I focus on grows: • Focus on capabilities promotes them, not on negative behaviour. • Blame and accusations build walls of defence. • Asking them what could be done builds competence. • Rewards become punishments to the child who doesn’t get them. • List aspects of your child that you have concerns about, such as, lack of enthusiasm, aggressiveness towards others. Then look for times when you see the opposite and can point out what you want to grow. ‘You really put your energy behind your words more than your hands today with your brother. Words can be very powerful, can’t they?’ The 7th principle – Problem solving, not punishment, teaches responsibility: • Children should know the consequences for behaviours ahead of time. When rules are clear, children know what is expected of them and what they can expect in return. • The simplest means of giving consequences is by posing a choice and handing over responsibility for that choice. • ‘Do you want to turn off the TV or shall I?’

PARENTING • ‘Do you want to put your coat on or take it with you?’ • ‘You can either do your assignment or get a bad grade; it’s up to you.’ • When children have the opportunity to make choices, they feel strong. • Punishment is easy - but makes children mad. Problem solving is hard - but has logic and fairness imbedded in the process. • While our traditional definition of discipline leads most parents to think in terms of control, punishment and obedience, problem solving encourages us to think in terms of guiding, thinking and negotiating. • When your child has made a bad choice, he needs to be held accountable. Punishment does not teach accountability. Problem solving does! The child is engaged in the solution and will follow through when it seems fair and logical. • Children who are allowed to argue their case at home and negotiate decisions think more creatively and often do better in school. • Usually, contracts are written when parents want to change some behaviours like TV viewing or computer time, but they can be used for a variety of situations. • Good discipline requires mutually established rules. • A consequence should be set up as a choice. ‘Either this or that. You choose.’

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 105 • With problem solving, the parent becomes the guide and facilitator of the child’s thought process by asking leading questions. • Allowing a child some views builds confidence. • Contracts must be co-written, so children have a say, negotiate rules and consequences, and honour other points of view. The 8th principle – Good boundaries mean good balance: • A boundary is a protective, invisible shield that separates two people. • With a good boundary, I can be of far better help to my child when he has a problem, because I am not taking responsibility for it and my child is more cooperative with my problems when he doesn’t feel blamed or responsible for them. • You are not responsible for your child’s feelings. • Your child is not responsible for your need to be appreciated. • Consistency does not mean doing the same thing in every situation. It means tapping into that inner reservoir of values and principles - your core philosophy of parenting that remains constant no matter what. How is the behaviour intended for success? Being successful incorporates cooperation, the desire to help and feeling confident and valued. Remember when your toddler wanted to do the dishes, cook, mow the lawn, use the tools, vacuum, load the dishwasher?

PARENTING The desire to help, to chip in and be included, is innate - when it’s fun and feels good. Young children are developmentally self-centred, but when their needs are fulfilled, they are also helpful and empathic. As this initial desire to help transforms into regular expected assistance, children gain self-discipline and responsibility. When they know they are counted on, they feel valued and important. Children who are not required to help feel less successful and have lower self-esteem. It is the transformation from fun to expected assistance that can make or break. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 107 Tips On Parenting Come up with a clear and realistic idea of what you expect from your child at each stage of his/her development. Make sure your child understands the expectations and what the consequences will be if the expectations are not met. Then be consistent! 1. Establish limits. Children both need and want discipline. 2. Praise your child. Children need realistic - that is ‘earnest’ - praise for work towards achievement of goals. 3. Be flexible, creative and enthusiastic when dealing with your children. 4. Give your children roots and wings. Give them family and structure to hold on to but instil in them the confidence to go out on their own. 5. Be firm but never abusive. 6. Allow children to suffer the consequences of their behaviour and choices. 7. Teach responsibility at all ages. 8. Allow your children the joy of discovery. 9. Be the example. 18

PARENTING 10. Offer your child reasonable choices and then require commitment once your child makes a choice. 11. Guide and help your children, but do not do their tasks for them. 12. Make books, art, music and religion a vital part of their lives. 13. Expect respect from your children. 14. Give your children unconditional love. 15. Make health and safety your priority. All things can be worked out in time if you can get your children to age 21 safe and sound. 16. Pay attention to what children do right. Let them make mistakes. 17. Examine your lifestyle. Children require time and energy in good amounts. Both parents working isn’t the problem. It’s both parents working in jobs that take all their time and energy. 18. Know your child’s friends. 19. Be all that you can be, but do not try it when your children are growing up. 20. Let children have their own dreams. 21. Fill your home with all kinds of books and music. 22. Consider cutting back if your job leaves you chronically stressed and irritable. A family needs time for play and relaxation.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 109 23. Laugh often. Take the long view. 24. Let your children know how you decide things by thinking out loud when they are listening. 25. Help children learn to view with a critical eye the messages delivered to them constantly by sophisticated marketing techniques. Do not let them trade quality of life for a quantity of stuff. 26. When they are old enough, have children cook (or help cook) weekly. 27. Spend time away from your children. 28. Do not tolerate put-downs or bragging. 29. Teach children about money - real finances, not just allowance. 30. Insist on respectful language. 31. Consider thoughtfulness and consideration for others more important than perfect behaviour. 32. Have children do their own laundry after age 11. 33. Discuss current events, politics, sex and religion with them. 34. Invite your children to help you help the less fortunate. 35. Interfere with ‘all or nothing’ thinking. 36. Do not fret about missed meals, staying up late and teen fads.

PARENTING 37. Deal with messy rooms once weekly or less. Respect your children’s privacy but clean their rooms on occasion. 38. Encourage time with grandparents. 39. Do not protect your children unduly from life’s difficult times. 40. Keep laughing. 41. Complete sex education by seventh grade. 42. Do not expect complete honesty from teens. Good solid children do lots of hedging as teens. 43. Know age-appropriate norms. 44. Say ‘yes’ a lot. 45. Know the red flags for alcohol and drugs. 46. Teach right and wrong. 47. Demand respect for those who are different. 48. Have children master one area of interest or skills outside of school. 49. Give more hugs than money. 50. Consider cars for teenagers a privilege. 51. Seek and support wonderful teachers. 52. Teach skills for living, such as changing a tyre or changing a diaper. 53. Do not confuse what mass marketing wants you to buy for what your children actually need.

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 111 54. Pick your battles carefully, hassle and nag as little as possible. 55. Other than curfew, make rules in response to things your children mess up rather than anticipate their mistakes. 56. All members of a family need to believe that they matter and that their voices are being heard. 57. Children need to learn that they are loved unconditionally; that their families see them as achievers. 58. Children need not be and cannot be happy all the time. 59. Children need not get their way all the time. Allowing them to get their way all the time does not empower them. On the contrary, it renders them vulnerable to breakdown when they are faced with the exigencies of the real world where no one gets his/her way all the time and everyone must compromise. 60. Children do not instinctively know what is best for them. Train your children to observe boundaries and give guidance in making choices. 61. Children need to learn how to deal with being hurt. 62. Parents must treat their own parents with love and respect. Your children will learn how to treat their aging parents. 63. All children need exercises for their bodies and brain.

PARENTING 64. Children need family mealtimes in the home. 65. Children need memories. Fill their memory banks with experiences like reading stories, making cookies, doing charitable things, etc. 66. Every child needs a system of moral belief and spirituality. 67. Learn how to spot problems: Serious problem - biologically based psychiatric illness or substance abuse. These problems require professional attention. They are ongoing conditions that you can learn to manage. Potentially serious problems that can get worse - anxiety, depression, attention and learning problems in school, or chronically unacceptable behaviour. These problems can be helped. Do not wait to look for or ask for advice and assistance. Conflict that feels serious but isn’t - this kind of problem is often the result of a particular parenting style that does not fit a particular youngster. Do not worry too much about appearances. Things like body piercing, tattoos and dyed hair are often an expression of peer culture. …

Establishing wholesome families through successful parenting 113 Epilogue Proverbs 22:6 can apply to more than the spiritual and moral aspects of our children’s lives. We should also realize that a child’s giftedness will often determine his/her area of interest. As we lovingly provide to our children godly instructions from God’s Word, we should encourage them in their interests and giftedness so that they might become all that God has planned for them to be! Pray that God will show us the keys to release those gifts and talents to be used for His purpose and pleasure.

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PARENTING Printed in Perth, Australia Parenting is more than raising children. It is preparing them for life. Every parent wants their children to grow into healthy, confident, responsible and caring adults. But how do we get there? In Parenting, Cherry Siew draws on her experience as a parent, teacher and counsellor to offer practical wisdom for building a wholesome family grounded in faith, love and strong values. From bonding and communication to teaching, discipline, boundaries and modelling, this book explores the everyday choices that shape a child's character and future. It addresses the changing challenges of parenting from the early years through adolescence, while recognising that every child is different and that no single approach works for every family. ……………………………………………………….. … Cherry Siew is an educator, counsellor and mentor whose life has been shaped by a deep commitment to nurturing people and strengthening families and communities. A former secondary school teacher and school counsellor, she later graduated in Social Ministry from Bible College Malaysia and has served across schools, churches and refugee communities. Together with her husband, Andrew, Cherry raised four children whose lives and careers span medicine, academia, ministry, the arts, writing, engineering and data science. Yet for Cherry, their greatest achievement is the positive difference they make in the lives of others. Now living in Singapore, she continues to invest in people and nurture the next generation through a life grounded in faith, service and purposeful leadership. At its heart is a simple conviction: we cannot prepare the road for our children, but we can prepare our children for the road. With Scripture, personal experience and practical guidance, Parenting encourages parents to build homes where children are loved, taught, guided, disciplined, encouraged and equipped to face life with wisdom, resilience and faith. Because the greatest gift we can give the next generation is not an easier road, but a strong foundation for the journey ahead.