“Waiting Room” I think I finally found the right word I was looking for to fit “my role.” i’ve seen a lot of people claiming that they’re a backburner or even a getaway car to someone, and it got me thinking, “am I one of them?” but alas, it felt like it didn’t fit right in with me, and then it hit me “waiting room.” that word is what describes me best rather than “backburner” or “getaway car.” I’m in a “waiting room.” I’m simply someone who’s waiting for him to finally choose me while I’m already choosing and waiting for him. right here in the “waiting room.” and I think that’s why this hurts so much. I’ve spent three months being consistent. even when I have my own things going on, I would still make an effort to talk to him, express how I feel, and make time for him. meanwhile, I don’t feel that same effort coming back. and I think what hurts about today isn’t really that he played with his cousin. it’s that I waited for him. I was looking forward to talking to him. and then there he is, his message popped up, and I, of course, excitedly tapped it almost immediately, and it only took that much to make my day a whole lot better. but after a few minutes or so, he then disappeared again. to him, maybe it was nothing. maybe he chatted me out of obligation, and when he felt like he had done it, then he could leave just like that. who am I kidding? he doesn’t even have any obligations to do those things after all. I’m just someone waiting in this “waiting room.” but you know what? to me, it kind of reinforces this feeling I’ve already been carrying “if I didn’t wait for you, would you even come looking for me?” such a
painful question to keep asking myself. then I’d try to cheer myself up again by thinking, “he’s just not used to expressing his feelings or emotions.” but remembering that reason snaps me back to reality. after all, expressing affection isn’t limited to saying, “i miss you,” “I like you,” or even “I love you.” someone can be bad at verbally expressing their feelings and still show that they care through their actions. making time. checking in. initiating conversations. wanting to spend time with you. reassuring you. or simply making you feel like you’re not the only one keeping this connection alive. so, I don’t think I’m asking for too much by wanting that. after all, I’m not saying, “give me all your time.” I’m saying, “give me ENOUGH of your time that I can actually feel like you want me here with you.” the part that really stands out to me is when he said he liked my consistency. because I wonder if that’s part of what hurts me. he likes the consistency I’m giving him. but, sometimes I can’t help but think, is he giving me something consistent in return? because I shouldn’t have to keep proving how much I care in hopes that eventually he’ll realize, “oh, I should love her the way she loves me.” right? because when I wanted to, I did, so if he wanted to, he would. but I’m such a sucker when it comes to loving someone. even if I got my head straight, I still can’t help but think, “but what if I just wait a little longer?” maybe he’ll change. maybe he’ll become more affectionate. maybe he’ll start initiating more. MAYBE he’ll eventually fall for me as deeply as I’ve fallen for him. but, there’s no telling it. and that’s what makes situationships so painful. I’m investing in a possibility while experiencing a reality that isn’t
making me happy. I don’t want to stop loving him just because I’m tired. I don’t want to think that he never cared. I only wanna think that he genuinely likes me, then his words would come flooding into my mind “people come and go.” he said it when I was crying because I had to go back to msu since vacation is over, and I kept thinking he’ll meet someone from school or even from a different school. I honestly believed he said that because he knows he would eventually leave me. but he is right. people would become part of my history, but won’t remain part of my future. and it got me thinking that one day I might look back at these three amazing months of liking him and think “I really loved that person so much.” I would do almost anything to make it work. I waited for him. I hoped for him. heck, I LONGED for him. I even believe that if I stay longer, if I try harder, he would eventually feel the same. such a sucker for love, even the smallest bit of affection he showed made me want to stay longer. and instead of feeling ashamed for that, because that’s what other people would call “marupok,” I feel nothing but tenderness toward the version of myself who loved that hard. but I do hope that someday I can leave this “waiting room” with my own two feet, head high, and no heavy heart. I am very much aware that I, myself, also deserve someone who doesn’t make me constantly wonder when they’ll finally love me back. because right now, I don’t think my biggest problem is that I love him too much. I think it’s that I’m slowly losing myself while waiting for him to come into this “waiting room” and take me along with him. truthfully speaking, I really may have fallen for him that hard. I just know when he finally
decides that he doesn’t like me anymore, or that he found someone else, maybe someone closer, I’d have a hard time moving on. LITERALLY. i’ll let you in on a little secret. I always chat in lowercase aside from when I’m laughing, excited, mad, or shocked. that’s just how it is with my typings, but him? he never failed to point out my lowercased “I” LOL I know it’s not a big deal, but for me, it’s kind of symbolic, I guess? whenever I write them in lowercase, I find myself stopping and just chuckling as I stare at that “I,” then thoughts of him will come flooding in. anyway, just as I write this, you should know that I am crying. I am overwhelmed. and I clearly care about him deeply. I might need a breather. gosh, god forbid a woman loves someone this much. going back to what I’ve said earlier, I don’t want to stop loving him just because I’m tired. but I also don’t have to keep waiting as if I’m shackled in this “waiting room” just because I love him. because at the end of the day, I can love someone and still decide that waiting hurts too much. but after all of this, you’d still find me just casually sitting, wiping my tears off, typing something on my phone, right here in this very “𝒲𝒶𝒾𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑅𝑜𝑜𝓂.”