I am offering these poems to you like Valentine’s Day chocolates. I hope you enjoy the assortment of flavors. Some you may find too sweet, or others far too bitter. But just know that each is made with love. 1
Midnight Beach You’ll find me, Where the shadow is cool, Where the shells of strange creatures, Cut gently at your toes, Where the waves recede, Like a steady exhale, And the sky is vast and black, You’ll find me somewhere, Sitting by that tiny cathedral, Where the hermit crabs go to pray, On that midnight beach, In the middle of my mind. 2
Many Conversations How strange it is, That the glance of my body, Or the pitch of my voice, Apparently tells more truth, Than the desperate cry of my soul, Or the patient articulation of my words. A Day For Gratitude This is the day that may not have been, This is breath, and blood, and sweat, How strange, how beautiful, This present I’ve found myself in. 3
Backyard Baptism I worship the nameless religion of love, Finding peace in the seen and unseen, Praying without the need to speak, Silent hopes, That I tell the trees and the dandelion seeds, Heaven is here, now, on earth, I feel it when the sun hits my skin, When the sky embraces me, Like an old friend, When I hear the birds sing, And it sounds like an angel’s chorus, I never found it in the book or the temple, But I found it here in my backyard. 4
Beach Poem What lies beyond that infinite sea? Where will those steady waves carry me? Drifting on a shimmering reflection, Driven by celestial connection, A shadow that drifts over the cool sand, Over some foreign aquatic land, Until I arrive on some distant shore, Where the white birds forever soar. I Found God I found God in the garden, They talk to me through the birds and the bugs, Whispering sweet secrets, Handing me love notes during class. 5
I Have Too Many Ghosts In My Head There are no longer people, Who were here yesterday, They’ve left the world behind, And yet, here I stay, Morning coffee on the stovetop, There to greet the dawn, But as the new sun rises, They’ve vanished–gone, Unique personalities, I probably would have liked, Gone by the morning, Gone by the night, I visit them often, When my thoughts go astray, The people who are no longer here, Who were there only yesterday. 6
Why Does the Mantis Pray? Tell me, Mantis, why is it you pray, Do you beg that the hope in your heart always stays, Do you pray for the promise of food and good health, Do you pray for me or only pray for yourself, With humble head bowed and clawed arms crossed, Do you pray for something once had, now lost? Tall green priest, keep your holy insect secrets, For if you ever told them, I fear we’d be heedless, Surely, we’d think, a small thing like you, Could never pray in the way that we do, But perhaps one day, someone will listen, And feel the first touch of a mantis’s christen. 7
Small Things Take pity, On the small things, That land upon your finger, And swoop beside your head, For we are but, Small things, Crawling on the back of a primordial being, Much bigger than ourselves, Hoping it is kind. Golden I want to live, Where the sun meets the water, On the line of the horizon, Where all becomes golden and holy. 8
Dog Daydream (Ode to Mabel) What colors are your dreams, What nightmares do you fear, Why is it you always wake, Whenever I draw near? The stories your little mind must write, I find so intriguing to ponder, And the yips of your dozing mouth, Make my heart grow even fonder, Sleep on, my sleepy dog, Stay wherever you may lay, Sleep on, my sleepy dog, Sleep all your days away. 9
Cherry Tart Heart I was born with two hearts, One of a man, And the other of a woman, Conjoined by a cursive gold letter, Like the stem of two twin cherries. Crack in the Cement I hope we are as beautiful as nature, That our moods shift like the colors of the seasons, That our perseverance is as striking, As those concrete street flowers. 10
A Dream I Had Once I had a dream about bluebirds, Perched on some castle ruins, Staring sadly at the remains, Of an old forgotten war. And in the dream, The bluebirds played a gnarled wood trumpet, A melancholy melody, That bellowed up toward the gray sky, And the clouds began to part, To reveal a bit of sun, Which the bluebirds flew into, Leaving the world behind. 11
These Bones These bones are only part of me, Not a part that’s always easy to see, But one day, they’ll be sun-stained, The only part of me that will remain, No, these bones won’t spare me a prayer, Despite the body we used to share, No, these bones won’t recall my name, All of my joy and all of my pain, A skeleton dancing throughout the fall, Not remembering me at all. 12
Dreaming Behind Museum Glass We treat you like funeral corpses, Arrange you in a way, That looks life-like and friendly, Put a pin through your hollow heart, And hide you behind glass frames. I wonder if you’re lonely, Not knowing, The faces around you, Dreaming faintly in the back of your mind, Of a garden somewhere. 13
Love in Every Lifetime I’m not lonely anymore, Well, that is half a lie, I am still visited by loneliness, But I have gained the tools to overcome it, Like taming a beast, And finally locking it away in a cage, It may still growl, But at least it can’t reach me anymore. Before, everywhere I went, I searched for someone, To love me, But I taught myself to search inward, And I realized I had been loved, Not only by myself, now, in this time, But through others, 14
Maybe even fragments of what I am now, In times before and after this. I have been loved by men and women, And all other wonderful things, On every inch of this planet, In every form of life, Perhaps two gentlemen in a time when their love wasn’t understood, Perhaps two mushrooms that grew close in the thicket until they finally touched, Perhaps two planets who watched each other from afar for millennia, Maybe two atoms at the beginning of everything. I think of the lives that I was, And the lives that I will be, And the life that I am, 15
And I know that I have been loved. How could I not? And now, when I look for love, I see myself, I see fragments of my being scattered across the Earth, Being loved, I know I will find love in this lifetime, But I also know that I am already being loved, In so many more. 16
Chance Encounter I’m starting to fall in love with myself, I’m not fully head-over-heels, But I’m beginning to think fondly, smile quietly, When I think of the person I’m becoming. I Have A Lion Where My Heart Should Be I couldn’t have put myself back together, If you hadn’t broken me, Couldn’t have become this person, If you’d never told me who I wasn’t, Couldn’t have found my lion, If you hadn’t put me in the gladiator ring. 17
Self Reflection I stare at myself, That younger me, In a baggy shirt and black shorts, Knees dirty and eye curious. I stare at myself, The me I am now, In my cotton hoodie and jeans, A content smile and a few feet taller. “Will it be hard for us?” that younger me asks. “No,” I reassure them, Taking their hand into that unknown place, “I already did the hard part.” 18
Burrow I peaked out of my burrow, Into the place where teeth and claws had greeted me, And found instead, your loving hand, outstretched, Forgive me, I am unfamiliar, With this tenderness, Bad memories lurking, In the shadows of this old forest, But with each new day, I grow bolder, Drinking from the river bed, Prancing in the fields, With you. 19
Fluid I wasn’t born as what I am, I found myself, Somewhere, sometime, Cultivated, My voice, my body, Cut my hair, With the scissors in the bathroom. Each morning I wake, A little different than the last, Trying myself on, Like the clothes from my closet, Seeing what fits and what doesn’t, I wonder what I’ll be, Today. 20
Being in the In-between With You I was thinking about atoms, And the gaps between them, I want to live there, in the space between the atoms, Because I think that might be where you are, I miss you so much that my heart hurts, At the very thought of your smile, You’re the same atoms that you were, But something is different, Something is missing, a soul, maybe, I wonder if you’re in the in-between spaces, In the gaps in the skin of my hands, If I made myself small enough, Could I be there with you? 21
Loving Laika The sad thing is that I know you didn’t hate them, Because you didn’t know what hate was, And even if you did, we made you sympathetic creatures, we made you love us, because we can’t love us, because we need to feel loved, By everything and everyone, It can’t be about the dog, It has to be about what we did to the dog, And it can’t be about the tears she shed, But the tears for ourselves and what we are, Because we don’t live in the world, We are the world, made by a being, who has to share our face, But this isn’t about you, But this isn’t about me, But this isn’t about us, it’s about her. 22
Summer Like You/Returning To Color I am of nature, risen from mud and ash, Curved bones of white, made from the yellow, Friend of the no-named cloak, Eater of chicken and berries, The loving contradiction of a hunter, Tomorrow, I will be different, A creature unlike yesterday, Or the day before, But today, I am this particular little beast, A prancing thing with a bushy tail and whiskers, And a lip-licking smile, Shedding my winter coat, For the color of the new sun. 23
The Spider I Let Go I was thinking about all of the anger I have, About justice I never received and wounds that haven’t healed, When I saw a spider. And even in my frustrated state, I had the patience to get a cup, And methodically trap the spider, In a way that wouldn’t bend or break, Any of its eight thrashing legs. And I looked at the spider tapping on the glass, Imagining all of the anger I felt going into it, Being absorbed into its tiny black body, Stepped out into my backyard and set it free. 24
The Simple Life of a Strange Beast I wish I were a strange beast, With long eyes and teeth and claws, That would wonder this ancient Earth, With no purpose, goals, or cause, And I’d lurk in the cool shadow, Of the forests and the streams, And I’d sleep beneath the stars, With nothing to be dreamed, And I’d eat the dandelions, That happen across my path, And smile up at the rain, While I take my morning bath, Yes, this is the life I long for, To be beside my fellow kin, And yet a strange beast, A strange beast, I’ve always been. 25
Common Observations I have been blessed with beautiful eyes, Not in their color or shape, But in the way, They are able to see. I am left in awe, At the most mundane of people and places, Staring curiously at them, As if they were found in a museum, How the light dances on the inside, Of plastic soda bottles, How rust spreads across the chained fence, Touched by a thousand hands, And how the dead tree, Still holds itself up with pride, Bare yet dignified. 26
The Moth Who Kissed Light Moth as black as licorice, You flew too close like Icrusus, And kissed the ball of light, You fluttered past one night, And now you’re heading for the floor, Your powdered wings burnt and torn, If only you knew the light would betray, No–you would have flown to it anyway, With some foolish fleeting dream, That the light may not be all it seems, That you could handle its warm embrace, And find a home in some brighter place, Looking at the caged sun above, You whisper solemnly, “At least I died for love”. 27
The Darkness I wrote a letter to myself, When I felt most like me, So I could find that self, know they exist, When my mind and heart go adrift, “You can have faith in me, because I am you, Because I’ve felt what you’ve felt, Have seen what you’ve seen, So trust me when I say, That this will pass, That the terror will fade, That the scars will heal, That you are not your fear, That love and peace will find their way, Back into your heart. The darkness won’t last forever, It never has.” 28
Cicada Song Ancient insect strummer, That sings the end of summer, The world’s oldest melody, A nostalgic afternoon remedy, Do you leave your shells behind, For curious children’s hands to find, And how is it that you know, When it’s time for you to grow? Your hum soothes my growing years, A familiar tune known well by my ears, I only wish I knew what you do, For I feel that I’ve grown up all too soon, Or maybe it’s that I haven’t grown at all, Still in my shell, stuck on the wall, Maybe it’s something I knew all along, Hidden in the melody of your song. 29
Safe Space Somewhere in my chest, There’s a small glass cube, A greenhouse in the sky, Where I watch the clouds, Pass me by, And drink from, Cans of iced tea, Where the temperature is always, Seventy-five degrees, And I know that, I am safe. 30
Shapeless I was born shapeless, Oh, how shapeless I am, And how freely I change, In a way that no one seems to understand. And shapeless I traveled, And morphed how I pleased, And tried to take the shape, Of what I thought others might need. I became sharp and then round, The splatter of a mess, I took on almost every shape, But no one was ever impressed. And shapeless I traveled, And how I felt like a fool, When I realized I was perfect, Shapeless like you. 31
Hidden Places I like to travel to hidden places, Of brick and moss, Steep staircases, And trees that touch the sky. And I shall stay there, Tentative-footed upon the soft earth, And forgotten stone, Until it is time to say “goodbye”. Sunshine and Rain Overcoming anxiety is not learning, To turn thunderstorms into sunshine, But learning, How to hold an umbrella when it rains. 32
I Hope I See You Next Year I think I was seventeen when I realized, That I actually want to be alive, Not to spare others from grief, But out of a genuine love, For my own existence. There are so many things, I almost never experienced, I wouldn’t have, Learned how to love or feel loved, Saw the face of death and still knew I was okay, Met God (not a God, or the God, but my God), Became familiar with every freckle and scar on my body, Stopped starring for something that wasn’t there in the mirror, 33
Extended an olive branch to the little people in my head. There are so many dangers, That this world will throw at me, But I don’t want to be, One of them, I think I’m ready, I ran a lot, I listened to music a lot, I talked to people a lot, I think we’re born twice, I think we’re born as many times as we need to be, I think I’m ready, I want to start living again, Even if it hurts like hell, I want to feel it, all of it, I want to rise like the sun, Cast my warmth onto everyone and everything, 34
I want to be too hot to handle, I want to be the irritation in your eyes as you drive down the highway, I’m not sure if I know how to be alive, I don’t know if anyone does, But maybe we can learn together, And send each other postcards, From wherever we end up, And they’ll always read, “I hope I see you next year.” 35