View Active Copy of Care & Grow Overview & Sessions (38) flipbook.
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Dear Care and Grow Participants, At MREC, we have worked with couples for well over two decades. That experience has shown us that they need three things for a healthy marriage: spiritual support, skills-based support, and marriage mentoring support. Care and Grow equips churches and marriage ministries to address all three areas, with a special emphasis on spiritual growth and mentoring relationships. The program also complements skills-based marriage education by providing the relational and spiritual support couples need to put those skills into practice. As couples continue to grow and strengthen their marriages over time, they build healthier families, stronger churches, and more vibrant communities, all to the glory of God. When the Lord opens the door, don’t hesitate. Step forward in faith and begin strengthening marriages in your ministry by using Care and Grow. Your Friends at MREC Written and designed by Kaycee Wright. Copy editing by Rebecca Kristene. Graphic design and publication production by Addison Oltmans. "Bill Talk" teaching videos feature Pastor Bill Brown. Project Director: Amy M. Gilford. Care & Grow™ is a program of the Marriage & Relationship Education Center (MREC), Westminster, Maryland. Copyright ©2026 Marriage & Relationship Education Center. All rights reserved.
I am delighted to endorse the Care & Grow Marriage Mentoring Program. Over the years, I have watched the Marriage & Relationship Education Center faithfully equip couples, strengthen churches, and serve communities through high-quality relationship education. Care & Grow reflects that same commitment. By combining biblical teaching with practical application, this discipleship resource addresses essential areas of marriage, including spiritual growth, communication, conflict resolution, finances, intimacy, and family dynamics. I am confident that Care & Grow will become a valuable resource for churches and marriage mentors seeking practical, Christ-centered tools to help couples grow together. Carl Caton Founder and President San Antonio Marriage Initiative / Marriage Initiative Words of Support 5
6 Table of Contents Topic One: Growing Together Session One: Getting Started Homework: Establishing a Starting Point Session Two: The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One Homework: Assessments - Barriers to Oneness & Looking at Connections Session Three: Me + You = One Homework: Identify Core Values and Create a Marriage Mission Statement Session Four: Learning Me, Learning You Homework: Temperament, Spiritual Gifts and Love Languages Session Five: Growing Together Homework: Assessment - Growing with Jesus (John 15:1-11) Session One: The Reality of Conflict Homework: Assessment - Identifying Common Obstacles & The Plan to Work Through Conflict Session Two: The Role of Expectations in Conflict Homework: Finding Common Ground Session Three: The Creation of Conflict Homework: Search for the Heart & The Process for Change Session Four: Facing the Obstacles Homework: Varies *Depending on what was revealed in the “Identifying Common Obstacles” in Session One, the material you cover and the homework you assign will be determined. Session One: Principles for Listening Homework: Skills Work - “You, Me, Us, Others” Daily Check-in Session Two: Principles for Speaking Homework: Skills Work - Listener/Speaker Dialogue Session Three: Identifying Obstacles Homework: Creating a Shared Solution Session Four: Hurdles: Heavy Emotions & Heavy Topics Homework: Fighting for Oneness Topic Two: Communication Topic Three: Conflict Resolution
7 Table of Contents Topic Four: Money Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy Topic Six: Family DynamicsSession One: Do I Love Money? Homework: Maybe Settled or Unsettled... but Thankful Session Two: Dangers of Loving Money & the Purpose of Money Homework: Philosophy Check Session Three: If God Wills It Homework: “If God Wills It” Planning and BudgetingSession One: God’s Good Purposes for Sex Homework: Let’s talk about it! Session Two: The Guardrails of Sexual Intimacy Homework: The Foundation of Sexual Intimacy Session Three: Dealing with Frustrations and Unmet Expectations Homework: Filling Up the Love TankSession One: Where We’ve Been - Learned Patterns & Behaviors Homework: Family Vision Tree Session Two: Where We Are - Examining the Fruit of the Spirit in Me Homework: Establishing Family Goals Session Three: Where We Are Going - Biblical Roles in Marriage Homework: The Roles in Our Marriage Session Four: How Do We Get There - Rooted, Built Up, and Established Homework: That Would Have Been Enough Appendix Meeting Guidelines Growing Couple Application and Liability Release Forms Caring Couple Application and Liability Release Forms Training Handouts
8 Topic & Session Topic Logo Preview of Participant’s In- Session Resource or In-Session Worksheet located in the Participant Workbook Recommended language to help transition and/or guide the conversation. Preview of Homework pages located in the Participant Workbook Recommended questions to help encourage your connection and give an opportunity for the Growing Couple to reflect on experiences. Elements of the Training Guide
9 Topic Overview Establishes a biblical vision for marriage as a relationship that continues to grow. Couples consider where they are, where they hope to go, and how intentional choices can strengthen their relationship and spiritual connection. Session Goals Help the couple... Be honest about where their marriage is today. See God's purpose and design for marriage. Begin moving toward greater oneness, with appreciation and hope. Build a shared vision for their marriage. Take intentional steps toward growing closer to Jesus and each other. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Healthy marriages grow on purpose. Oneness is something we build over time. Understanding each other helps us love each other better. A shared vision helps keep a marriage moving in the right direction. The closer we grow to Christ, the closer we grow to one another. Topic One: Growing Together
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Review Scripture Focus & Prayer - John 15:1-4 Couple Chat Review their “Grow Application.” Ask questions to gain clarity Establish rules for the meeting (see page 166 in the Appendix), including the meeting time and date, and the process for handling last-minute cancellations (which is established by you). Review the policy on homework. If they choose not to complete the homework, you have the choice to not meet. Homework shows they have buy-in and are committed to the process. Share your story. Tell them about your family. Explain why you're involved in Care and Grow and what you hope to achieve. Conclude with asking questions like: What are you hoping to gain over the next several weeks? Is there anything that makes you apprehensive about this process? Can you give me three adjectives that describe your marriage now, and three adjectives that describe what you want it to become? Say: Before we finish and give you your first homework assignment, we want to encourage you with three very important things, and you will find these in your participant workbooks on page 7. The first one goes directly with our passage that we started our session with.1. Commit to the process first by setting a goal to draw as close to Jesus as possible. Investing in your relationship with Jesus is also a way to invest in your marriage. Through time in the Word and through prayer, your heart will look more like His as you welcome the work that He wants to do in your life and cooperate with Him through obedience. That cooperation might be hard, as He wants to prune things out of your life that you would prefer to keep, but it will bring you to where He wants you to be as you “deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Him” (Luke 9:23). Topic One: Growing Together Session 1: Getting Started Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review Application Couple Chat - Starting Principles Intro to Homework - Establishing a Starting Point 1.1 Session Notes: 11 Consider Asking: What does it currently look like to abide with Jesus in your daily life? How has the Holy Spirt worked in your life in the past through intentional time in His Word and in prayer? What are some obstacles that you will face as you commit to abide? How can you prepare for these obstacles before they come?
2. Remember that the work you are doing is happening on a battlefield (and not with each other!). Your marriage is made to reflect God’s forever-faithful, steadfast, covenantal relationship with Himself, and not only that, it’s a foundational building block that God has established to create families and communities. The long-lasting impact of strong marriages and families lasts generations. We should not be surprised that we have an enemy that will push back against the work that you are about to do. So, instead of cowering, we suit up in God’s armor, empowered by His Word and His Spirit, and we push in. We fight against the footholds our enemy wants to build in the foundation of your marriage, and we refuse to let him have any more ground. He seeks destruction. Jesus seeks life. Battle well for abundant living — together! 3. You are constantly getting advice...from yourself. Paul Tripp says, “No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you as much as you talk to yourself.” We are constantly in a conversation in our minds, and what is being said is not always helpful. We need to take our thoughts captive and surrender them to Jesus daily. We do this by considering Philippians 4:8 and asking four important questions: What am I telling myself? Is it true? Would God agree? How would believing God's truth change the way I respond?1 Consider Asking: How aware are you of the conversations happening in your own mind throughout the day? What kinds of messages do you find yourself believing most often? Can you think of a time when believing something that wasn't true affected the way you responded? How would regularly asking these four questions help you respond differently in your marriage? Intro to Homework - Establish a Starting Point Topic One: Growing Together Session 1: Getting Started 1.1 Consider Asking: How often do you consider that in your marriage, there is something bigger going on than two people learning to be married? In what ways can you see our enemy trying to destroy what God is building? Answer can be broad or specific. In your participant’s workbook on pages 8-10, you will find your first homework assignment. You will be establishing your starting point for six different topics. Be honest and answer for yourself, not your spouse. After you establish a starting point, share your results with your spouse. You will conclude with some time in God’s Word together, keeping in mind what we just talked about.1 Tripp, Paul David. "You Talk to Yourself." Paul Tripp Ministries, 26 Feb. 2014, https://www.paultripp.com/wednesdays-word/posts/you-talk-to-yourself. 12
Commit to the process first by setting a goal to draw as close to Jesus as possible. Investing in your relationship with Jesus is also a way to invest in your marriage. Through time in the Word and through prayer, your heart will look more like His as you welcome the work that He wants to do in your life, which will result in cooperating with Him through obedience. That cooperation might be hard, as He wants to prune things out of your life that you would prefer to keep, but it will bring you to where He wants you to be as you “deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Him” (Luke 9:23). Remember that the work you are doing is happening on a battlefield (and not with each other). Marriage is made to reflect God’s forever-faithful, steadfast, covenantal relationship with Himself, and not only that, it is a foundational building block that God has established to create churches, families, and communities. The widespread impact and ripple effect of strong marriages and families lasts generations. We should not be surprised that we have an enemy that will push back against the work that you are about to do. So, instead of cowering, we suit up in God’s armor, empowered by His Word and His Spirit, and we push in. We fight against the footholds our enemy wants to build in the foundation of your marriage, and we refuse to let him have any more ground. He seeks destruction. Jesus seeks life. Battle well for abundant living-together! You are constantly getting advice...from yourself. Paul Tripp says, “No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you as much as you talk to yourself.” We are constantly in a conversation in our minds, and what is being said is not always helpful. We need to take our thoughts captive and surrender them to Jesus daily. We do this by considering Philippians 4:8 and asking four important questions: What am I telling myself? Is it true? Would God agree? How would believing God's truth change the way I respond? 13 In-Session Resource 1.1Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
14 Homework The terms “Surviving” and “Thriving” are two extremes and will be the scale by which you will measure your relationship as it is right now and establish your starting point below. At your next session, you will share your results with your Care Couple and will check back in periodically as you address different topics along the way. In each area, circle the number that corresponds with where YOU feel like your relationship is on the Thriving/Surviving spectrum in each category. Be honest and answer based on your perspective. A note to your spouse: Give your partner the space and freedom to be honest, vulnerable, and transparent. Good things come from the truth. Welcome to Care & Grow! Over the next several weeks, you and your spouse will meet with your Care Couple as you explore six foundational areas of marriage through a biblical lens. Together, you'll have honest conversations, learn practical relationship skills, and build a toolbox of resources that you can continue using long after your mentoring journey is complete. Your Care Couple isn't here because they have a perfect marriage. They're simply a couple who have walked through these same topics in their own relationship and are willing to share what God has taught them along the way. Their desire is to encourage you, point you to God's Word, and walk alongside you with genuine care. As you intentionally invest in your marriage over the coming weeks, we believe God will use this time to strengthen your relationship. Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). In Isaiah 44:3–4, God promises to pour out His Spirit and blessing so that His people will "thrive like well-watered grass, like willows by streams of running water." God's desire is not simply that our marriages survive, but that they are firmly rooted in Him, continually growing, and bearing fruit (Colossians 2:7). God wants our marriages to thrive. Establishing Your Starting Point Thriving In the area of Communication (ability to speak and listen well), we are... Surviving In the area of Growing Together (ability to deepen our connection together and grow in our oneness), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1.1Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
15 In the area of Family Dynamics (ability to work together and “enjoy the journey”), we are... In the area of Sexual Intimacy (ability to discuss sexual issues and expectations), we are... In the area of Money (sharing similiar philosophies, agreement on goals, planning and budgeting), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Homework Thriving In the area of Conflict Resolution (ability to discuss and resolve differences in a constructive way), we are... Surviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1.1Once you are done, share your scores with your spouse and mark their response on your sheet (consider using a different color). Be prepared to share your starting points during your next session.Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
16 Psalm 1:1-4 1 Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers. From these passages, what can we learn about God or His Word? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ What can we learn about Man? __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ In light of these truths, what is our proper response? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started 1.1
17 Review of Homework Follow up on their time in the Word Did anything specific stand out to you after reading Psalm 1:1-4 and John 10:10? It’s encouraging to know that God has given us all we need through His Word to live an abundant life, like a well-watered tree. We can produce good things in every season - and that includes the many seasons of marriage. Review Starting Points Scripture Focus & Prayer - Genesis 2:20-24 Couple Chat Now that you have established your starting point and know where you are, we will begin exploring where God has designed you to go as a couple. To determine where we need to go, we turn to God’s Word and let Him guide and establish our steps (Psalm 119:105; Proverbs 16:9). Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Establishing Your Starting Point Couple Chat - The Purposes in Marriage and the Journey of Becoming One Intro to Homework- Barriers to Oneness & Looking at Connections 1.2Topic One: Growing Together Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One Consider Asking: What did you identify as strengths in your relationship? (and celebrate those!) After seeing your partner’s answers, what was surprising? What were the areas that you agreed on the most regarding your starting point? Did this exercise make you more hopeful or more discouraged? (As mentors, even if they are not more hopeful at this point, we want to encourage them. Just by coming, doing the homework, and saying things out loud, they are taking steps in the right direction.) Are there areas in which you feel like the work ahead is overwhelming? Specifically, what areas? What do you think needs to happen to push your relationship more towards “thriving,” specifically in the areas where you were the lowest? Session Notes:
In your workbook on page 11, you will find an In-Session Worksheet. You can use this to follow along as we work through this page, examine some passages of Scripture, fill in the blanks, and then conclude our session with our next homework assignment. Mentor Tip: Your couple will have the following material in their participant notebook. The underlined material indicates a blank that they can fill in as they work through the material. Biblical Perspective: When we examine all that God made, we see everything serving a purpose. From the design and structure of the heart to the precise placement of the Earth in its orbit, everything has a purpose because God is a purposeful God. Marriage is no exception. When God created this unique and distinct relationship, He had several purposes in mind. Six Purposes in Marriage: 1.Be the means to fill the earth (Genesis 1:28) 2.Provide needed and helpful companionship (Genesis 2:18) 3.Magnify and glorify the Lord together (Psalm 34:3) 4.Serve as a relationship that encourages growth (Genesis 2:18; Ephesians 5:26-27) 5.Be the God-ordained context for sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:2) 6.Reflect Jesus’ unconditional covenant and sacrificial love for the church (Ephesians 5:22-33) There is a high purpose for marriage! The Way to Fulfill God’s Purposes: Two Become One God didn’t just tell us the purpose; He also showed us the way to accomplish these purposes: through the powerful act of two people becoming one (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31). From the very beginning in Genesis, to the words of Jesus, and then to the writings of the Apostle Paul, this concept of “becoming one” is mentioned. We can’t overlook it or understate its significance. “Becoming One” implies a connection, bond, or shared purpose. In Hebrew, the word for “one,” echad, means that it’s no longer two people operating as individuals; they are now unifying to become as if one person. Through this connection, they are both bringing their resources, talents, intellect, gifts, and abilities together so they can - as one - accomplish God’s intentional plan and purpose for them. 18 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2 Ask: Are any of these surprising to you, or any that you have never really considered? What is the purpose of marriage that you can relate to the most?
Homework We recognize that we don't always align with God's design, and it's easy to form meaningful connections or “become one” with things other than our spouse and establish barriers that can hinder the unity we're called to in marriage. But we must remember - oneness is foundational. It's God’s heart for marriage. To pursue this kind of unity, we need to regularly evaluate the things around us that might compete for our connection or be a barrier to our oneness. As you work through the two homework assignments on pages 12 & 13, give your spouse the space to be honest, out of a heart of favor, which shows kindness and believes the best about them, and with grace. Just as your spouse has growth areas in their life, so do you.Consider Asking: How do you think the process looks for you as you are becoming one? What are the barriers you have as a couple to oneness? 19 This image is represented at weddings in meaningful ways, whether through lighting a candle or combining colors of sand, and we know that, unlike these ceremonies, oneness does not happen instantly. Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
The Purpose of Marriage and the Journey of Becoming One Six Purposes in Marriage: 1.Be the means to fill the earth (Genesis 1:28) 2.Provide needed and helpful companionship (Genesis 2:18) 3.Magnify and glorify the Lord together (Psalm 34:3) 4.Serve as a relationship that encourages growth (Ephesians 5:26-27) 5.Be the God-ordained context for sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:2) 6.Reflect Jesus’ unconditional and sacrificial love for the church (Ephesians 5:22-23) The Way to Fulfill God’s Purposes: Two Become One God didn’t just tell us the purpose - He also showed us the way to live it out: through the powerful act of two people becoming one (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31). “Becoming One” implies a __________________, bond, or shared ________________. In Hebrew, the word for “one,” echad, means that it’s no longer two people operating as individuals; they are now unifying to become as if one person. Homework: Barriers to Oneness & Looking at Connections Complete the two homework assignments on pages 12 & 13. As you work through these assignments, give your spouse the space to be honest, out of a heart of favor, which shows kindness and believes the best about them, and with grace. Just as your spouse has growth areas in their life, so do you. In-Session Worksheet 20 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
Barriers What the Heart Says What God Says The truth that we need to believe Selfishness I want things done the way I want them done. Your desires and opinions mean very little to me. Phil. 2:3-4 1 Cor. 10:24 Pride I am right. You are wrong. I don’t need your input. You just have to deal with it. Mark 7:20-23 Phil 2:5-7 Laziness I hear it, but I don’t care about it. Things are fine as they are. Col. 3:23 James 4:17 Connection with Something Else I am giving my best time and attention to something other than my spouse. Phil. 4:8 1 Thess. 5:23 Lack of Intentionality If oneness happens with my spouse, it would be an accident. Heb. 3:13 Other: Homework Barriers to Oneness Next Steps: After reading what our hearts say for each barrier, read the selected passages of Scripture and fill in the last column with what we should battle to believe according to God’s Word. Circle the barriers to oneness that you have encountered during your married life. Put a star next to the ones that are the hardest to overcome. Share with your spouse which barrier you would like to work on the most. If you have an accountability partner, consider sharing this with them. 21 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
Formulate Based on your evaluation, note the connection(s) that you believe need to decrease and the connection(s) that you think should increase. As a couple, read Hebrews 12:1 and identify anything that is a “weight” that could be preventing you both from connecting and running your race of oneness. And how will you lay aside those weights this week? As you close, pray for your spouse. Possible Connections The amount of care and attention I give... The amount of care and attention I should give... God My Spouse Children Extended Family Members Friends Work Church Online Interactions (gaming, social media, scrolling) Hobbies/Fitness TV/Movies Other ______________________Rate On your own, using a scale of 1-5, rate the amount of care and attention you give to each of the following. HomeworkEvaluate Consider the following questions. Use the feedback column if needed to make any notes or observations. Ask your spouse if there are any ratings that they would disagree with. The things that you have the deepest connection to - do they really matter? Have any of these connections created a barrier between you and your spouse? Looking at Connections (1=no care or attention is given; 5=greatest attention or care is given) 22 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
Scripture Focus & Prayer - Hebrews 12:1-2 Review of Homework -Barriers to Oneness & Looking at Connections 23 1.2Topic One: Growing Together Session 3 - Me + You = One Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Looking at Barriers & Connections Couple Chat - Importance of Appreciation & Hope Homework - Identifying Core Values Mentor Tip: Don’t hurry past this section too quickly. Identifying things that are competing for our connections or are barriers to our marriage are very important as we move forward to oneness. Session Notes: Consider Asking: What are some barriers to your oneness that you identified? What connections do you think need to increase or decrease? Which ones are the hardest to change? After reading Hebrews 12:1, what were some possible “weights” that could be preventing you from connecting with your spouse and running your race of oneness? And how will you lay it aside this week? Couple Chat In a marriage, we both bring our unique temperaments, gifts, and values to the relationship. How we pack the car, clean the house, or deal with the stresses of work are all the outworkings of these different parts of us. As we become one, it is important to know each other well, as it produces a deeper understanding of why we each do what we do, and how those characteristics can help us become the couple that God has for us - full of purpose. The next two sessions will be highly interactive. This week, we will begin by identifying your individual values, which will guide you toward discovering shared values. From there, you will work together to create a value statement and a shared Marriage Mission Statement. These will serve as a meaningful “True North” for your relationship Values shape the way we think and show up in our actions. Not everyone values the same things, and these differences can often lead to conflict and misunderstanding. Therefore, it's crucial to have this conversation with your spouse. Consider Asking: In what ways do you know that you have different values from your spouse? In what ways have these differences affected your relationship? Mentor Tip: If you have any personal notes to add here or examples of differences in values you have had in your marriage, that could be helpful.
Couple Chat, Continued Intro to Homework - Identifying Core Values 24 As part of your homework, you will each identify values that are unique to you. Before doing that, however, we want to highlight two values that should be intentionally shared and regularly practiced in every marriage: appreciation and hope. Appreciation: How would you define appreciation? Intentionally bringing to light the value, effort, and qualities of your spouse that often go unnoticed or unspoken. Why is it important to show appreciation often in your marriage? How often is appreciation demonstrated in your marriage, and what is the result? Philippians 4:8, Paul encourages us to think on praiseworthy things. Appreciation is beautifully woven into that command. Rather than focusing on what your spouse is not doing, choose to notice what is praiseworthy in their value, efforts, and qualities. Then take one more very important step and share your appreciation with your spouse. Hope: How would you define hope? The confident expectation that, because God is faithful, we can look toward the future with anticipation, even when we cannot yet see the outcome. Why should hope be shared often in a marriage relationship? How often is hope demonstrated in your marriage, and what is the result? Proverbs 13:12 tells us something that research affirms over and over - without hope, the heart is sick. Our heart needs to be reminded often that even if things aren’t where we want them to be, we can still take small, faithful steps every day to get a little closer to a marriage that reflects God’s heart for us. He wants our marriage to flourish! This week, and every week moving forward, make it your goal to weave appreciation and hope into your thinking and daily interactions. Practice expressing both regularly, and watch how God uses these two values to strengthen your marriage over time. Mentor Tip: Share practical ways that appreciation and hope are demonstrated in your marriage and how the presence or lack of them impacts your relationship. For homework, look at pages 14-16. You are going to write down your top three values for each topic. We will refer back to these values as we make our way through the different topics in the weeks to come. A list of values is provided to help you get started. Feel free to write your own. After you come up with your values for each one, look to see if any values repeat often. Those are your personal core values. Share your answers with your spouse and then write your spouse’s core values in the space provided. As you work through the sheet, you will ask questions and identify the values that you want to hold in common as “one.” Continue to work through the sheet as you form a Marriage Mission Statement, and bring back your results at our next session. Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
In the area of Growing Together, I value...In the area of Conflict Resolution, I value...26 Core Values: Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity HomeworkIdentifying Core Values 1.For each topic, choose a few words that reflect your values (deeply held beliefs that shape the way you think and that guide your decisions). Don’t overthink it! There are no wrong answers. Use the “26 Core Values” list as a reference — or feel free to choose your own words if something else fits better. This does NOT need to be completed all at once. Take your time. In the area of Communication, I value... In the area of Finances, I value... In the area of Sexual Intimacy, I value... In the area of Family Dynamics, I value... 25 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
3. Spend time reflecting and answer personally: Why are these values important to me? Have they always been important to me? What life experiences shaped these values? How do these show up in my daily life? 4. Share your values and insights with your spouse. Write your spouse’s values next to yours and share what you discovered during your personal time of reflection. 5. Identify and circle values that overlap. Following your discussion time, identify three values as a couple that you want to define your relationship and life together. These values will guide your actions and decisions. Write them below.As “one,” we value: 2. From your list, write the top six most important values to you in your section. Look for the values that appear most often or those that consistently shape your decisions and how you see the world. Homework 26 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
Our Marriage Mission Statement Together, you will form a Marriage Mission Statement. This will reflect your shared values and goals. Consider the following questions to help identify your shared goals: Based on our values, what kind of relationship do we want to build? What do we want to be known for as a couple? What kind of environment do we want to create? Writing a Marriage Mission Statement With your shared values and goals, write a Marriage Mission Statement. A possible formula is below if you need some help, or feel free to write your own. Possible Mission Statement Formula: “We value [core values 1, 2, 3], and we commit to [specific actions or attitudes based on values]. We will strive for a relationship where [shared goals or lifestyle vision].” Example: “We value honesty, compassion, and growth. We commit to speaking the truth, supporting one another’s dreams, and learning from our mistakes. We strive for a relationship built on trust, laughter, and our faith in Jesus.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Evaluate Your Marriage Mission Statement Is this God-honoring? Do we both agree? Is this practical given our situation and circumstances? If you think your statement accurately shares your values and goals, write it on the following page, and be prepared to share it at your next session. Challenge: Display your statement so you can be reminded of it often and keep moving forward to put it into action.27 Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
Our Marriage Mission 28 Husband’s Signature: ___________________ Wife’s Signature: _______________________ Date: ________________________________
Review Review of Homework - Core Values and Marriage Mission Statement How well did you intentionally show appreciation and express hope to one another this week? How did this exercise provide insight as you see the differences or similarities in what you value? What is your “Marriage Mission Statement”? How did it feel to form a shared mission statement that you both can focus on as you move forward together? Scripture Focus & Prayer - John 15:1-4 Couple Chat In the business world, we hear the concept of mission drift or focus creep. It can happen when an organization deviates from its stated intention or plan. Just like a business can drift from its original purpose, so can relationships. To stay focused on the direction you are going as a couple, it’s important to regularly remind yourselves of your “Marriage Mission Statement” and plan against mission drift in your relationship by recognizing potential distractions or obstacles, both inside and outside the home, that can pull you off course. Today, we’ll look at areas in your life that may hinder your ability to stay on mission. The goal is to identify those possible influences and make a plan to overcome them. As our passage today reminded us, we run to win - and winning requires preparation, discipline, and intentionality. Turn to page 18 in your workbook, and we are going to look at ways to protect your mission as a couple. Topic One: Growing Together Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review Application Couple Chat - Starting Principles Intro to Homework - Establishing a Starting Point 1.4 29 Session Notes:
Mentor Tip: While offering encouragement or sharing some of your experiences, work with your couple through the following questions: Given our circumstances, what obstacles to our mission do we face? What are some guardrails we can put in place to keep us from shifting from our vision? If one of us senses that we are shifting, how should we approach this issue or conversation?Introduction to Homework - “Learning Me, Learning You” In your workbook, you will begin on page 19. You have one more homework assignment in this topic, Growing Together, and then we will move on to the topic of Communication. To complete this session, you each have three assessments to complete on pages 20-21: Temperament Test Love Language Test Spiritual Gift Assessment These assessments will provide clarity into who you are, why you do what you do, what brings you joy and fulfillment, and reveal some growth areas that God will use your spouse to help strengthen (remember purpose #3!). Scan the QR Codes provided on page 19 to access all three assessments.30 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
In-Session Worksheet Knowing our circumstances and situation, what are possible obstacles to our mission that we may face? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ What are some guardrails we can put in place to keep us from shifting from our vision? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ If one of us senses that we are shifting, how should we approach this issue or conversation? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Protecting Our Mission 31 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
AssessmentsLove LanguagesTemperamentSpiritual GiftsQR Code/Websitehttps://openpsychometrics.org/www.5lovelanguages.com This is a free resource. An email will be required to view your results.www.myspiritualgifts.com This is a free resource. An email and password will be required to view your results.Homework 32 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
Temperament Love Language Spiritual Gifts Draw a circle around the one most interesting. Put a if you have some follow up questions. Put a if something brings some clarity or insight. Homework When I am not living and thinking as God wants me to, I am: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________My Temperament Type (Top Two): ______________________________________ When I am living and thinking as God wants me to, I am: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________My Partner’s Top Two Temperament Types: _____________________________________ When he/she is living and thinking as God wants them to, they are: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________ When he/she is not living and thinking as God wants them to, they are: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________ 2. Share your answers with your partner so they can complete the below section about you. 1.Look over the attachment provided by your mentor, or scan the provided QR Code, and fill in the characteristics that best describe your temperament. Most people are a blend. So write down your top two. For more information on your blend, see the handouts provided. Temperament & Personality Temperament is how you are created to be by God from birth. It’s different from personality in that your personality can change based on how you are feeling, where you are, and who you are around. When you live authentically, they will align. Your temperament is said to be set, but it can be modified by the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. 3. While reviewing your partner’s answers, complete the following excercise. 33 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
My Love Languages: 1. __________________. 2. ___________________. 5: _________________ Times that I have felt most loved by my spouse: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Scan the QR Code to take the Love Language assessment, write down your top two love languages, and the one that came in last. Think about specific times that you felt loved based on this love language and write it down. Then think back to ways that you have shown your spouse love. Share your response with your spouse. Bring this to your next session and prepare to share some of your findings with your Care Couple. My Spiritual Gifts: 1. ___________________ 2. __________________. 3. ____________________ Times that I have felt most fulfilled or joyful while being involved in spiritually related activities: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Scan the QR Code and take the Spiritual Gift assessment. Write down your top three gifts. Think about specific times in your involvement in spiritual things that have brought you the most joy. See if there is a connection between these experiences and your gifting. Share your results with your spouse. Bring this to your next session and prepare to share some of your findings with your Care Couple. Actions that I have done to make my spouse feel loved: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Evaluate: Is how you show love to your spouse a reflection of your love language? 34 Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
Review of Homework - Temperament, Love Languages & Spiritual Gifts Scripture Focus & Prayer - Psalm 139:1-5 Couple Chat When we first started examining this topic, we looked at God’s purpose for marriage: Be the means to fill the earth (Genesis 1:28) Topic One: Growing Together Session 5 - Growing with Jesus Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Temperament, Love Languages & Spiritual Gifts Couple Chat - Wrapping Up Intro to Homework - Growing with Jesus 1.5 35 Session Notes: Consider Asking: What did you learn about your spouse that surprised you? What is one personality difference you’ve misunderstood in the past? How can this information help you respond differently during tension or conflict? Provide needed and helpful companionship (Genesis 2:18) Magnify and glorify the Lord together (Psalm 34:3) Serve as a relationship that encourages growth (Ephesians 5:26-27) Be the God-ordained context for sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:2) Reflect Jesus’ unconditional and sacrificial love for the church (Ephesians 5:22-33) We also saw how He has designed it all to be accomplished, from two people becoming one. You have identified core values, written a mission statement, taken a deep dive into who you are as individuals, and gained valuable insights into why you do what you do. What you may not have realized is that through all these meaningful conversations and the study of each other, you have developed a deeper relationship with one another. You have connected in meaningful ways. This is to be celebrated. Consider Asking: How has this time of studying yourself and one another made an impact in your marriage? What is the most beneficial thing about your spouse that you have learned so far? What is something that you have a new appreciation for regarding your spouse?
Homework For homework this week, we will take a break from assessments and tests and focus our attention on our relationship with the Lord by reading a passage of Scripture. Before we get to the assignment, 36 Consider Asking: If you were to describe what your time with the Lord looks like, what would you say? What are some struggles that you have in growing to know Jesus (time, lack of accountability, lack of interest)Mentor Tip: This is an appropriate time to talk about your method for study, the struggles that you have dealt with over the years, and the power that God’s Word has had in your life. It may seem a bit odd to take a break from “couple issues,” but in reality, an essential way couples can grow together is when they are both committed to pursuing the Lord. Books, classes, assessments, and workbooks are helpful, but they ultimately all have a limit. When it comes to true life change, the power of God’s Word is unlimited. Look in your workbook on page 22. Most of us have seen this illustrated with a triangle, with the husband and wife on opposite corners and God at the top. When they pursue the Lord, they naturally get closer. Conversely, the farther a couple is from the Lord, the farther they grow from each other.God Ask: How have you seen this llustrated in your relationship? Mentor Tip: Appreciate their honesty and relate to their experience. Next to your side on the triangle, I want you to think about a few ways that you can take a step closer to the Lord this week and write those ideas in your book. Possible ideas: memorize one of the verses, listen to worship music, journal, or pray through God’s Word. We will follow up when we meet again to see if you've incorporated any of it into your week and how it went. On page 23 of your notebook, you’ll find a passage to read along with a few observation questions to complete together. We’ll discuss your observations at our next session. Topic One: Growing Together | Session 5 - Growing with Jesus 1.5
GodNext to your side of the triangle, write some ideas of things you can do to grow closer to Jesus this week. Possible ideas: Listen to a biblically based podcast Meet up with your accountability partner Include worship songs in your playlist Listen to a sermon Pray with your spouse one or two extra days than you normally do In-Session Worksheet Topic One: Growing Together | Session 5 - Growing with Jesus 1.5
John 15:1-11 15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. 9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Ready to take another step? Purchase a devotional that you can read together. Recommended favorite: “Everyday Gospel” by Paul David Tripp. Homework From these passages, what can we learn about God or His Word? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ What can we learn about man? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ In light of these truths, what is our proper response? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 38 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 5 - Growing with Jesus 1.5
39 Topic Overview Helps couples understand biblical principles for healthy communication and practice skills that promote understanding. The focus is on listening well, expressing thoughts and feelings clearly, and creating space for meaningful conversation. Session Goals Help the couple... Build healthy habits for listening and speaking. See what God's Word says about communication. Practice skills they can use in everyday conversations. Learn how to work through heavy topics and emotions without losing sight of each other. Grow in communicating with grace, honesty, and understanding. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Good communication starts with the heart. Listening well is just as important as speaking well. Difficult conversations can strengthen a marriage when handled God's way. Healthy communication takes practice. Understanding each other is more important than winning the conversation. Topic Two: Communication
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41 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Philippians 2:3-4 Couple Chat We are starting a new section on communication, and it’s placed here for a reason. Establishing healthy communication skills makes the other issues that come our way less challenging to navigate. The passage we read a few minutes ago sets the stage for this work. We saw that it is God’s heart for us to look to the interests of others and to value others above ourselves. These are commands because they do not come naturally to us. We tend to put our own interests first and see ourselves as the most important person in the equation. As we begin this topic — learning how to share what we value and what we consider important — it is essential to keep this mindset at the forefront and return to it often. What we learn from Scripture has the power to transform our marriage and set us on a life-giving path. What did the passage say about God and Man? While recognizing both, what is an appropriate response? Topic Two: Communication Session One - Principles for Listening Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Growing with Jesus Couple Chat- Biblical Perspective for Listening Well Skills Work - Daily Check In Homework - Daily Check-In 2.1 Session Notes: Consider Asking: Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What do you feel like you do well in regarding your current communication styles/habits? Are there known issues that you both have in communicating effectively? Could you describe your current check-in pattern? We know that communication is more than just speaking. It’s speaking, listening, and then all the non-verbal cues that come along with it. How much thought do you give to each of these areas as you communicate with your spouse? We will start on page 26 in your notebook. Turn to page 8 and revisit the rating you each gave regarding Communication. Then turn to page 14 to see the values you hold the highest regarding this topic and write those in your book.
In Communication, we recognize two distinct roles: the speaking role and the listening role. Frustrations grow when each person is unsure of their role or fails to fulfill it correctly. In this section, we will examine the role of the listener. Next week, we will examine the role of the speaker. We will also demonstrate some communication exercises to help guide a meaningful and successful conversation. In your notebook on page 28, we have a worksheet that we will walk through together. We will examine what the Bible says about listening well. Mentor Tip: The participant notebook has the underlined portion of the material that you will cover during Couple Chat (located on the following page). There is an opportunity for them to self-evaluate at the end of the worksheet. Be sensitive to how the Lord may be working. Recommended process for working through A Biblical Perspective for Listening Well: Read the Scripture passage out loud and summarize the points in your own words, but read the underlined statements, since they have that material in their book. 42 Couple Chat - A Biblical Perspective for Listening Well Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1
Come Empty (1 Corinthians 8:2) When we come to the table to discuss an issue with our spouse, we naturally bring preconceived opinions shaped by our understanding and worldview. However, we are reminded in 1 Corinthians 8:2 that knowledge can puff up. What we think we know about a topic can lead to arrogance and incorrect assumptions, as we do not possess perfect knowledge. What is the antidote to this? Humility. As a listener, our role is to come with humility. We willingly come as learners, understanding that we do not fully know how our spouse is feeling or thinking, and we approach the conversation with an open mind, without defensiveness or arrogance. Any personal experiences you can add? Please do! Be Quick to Listen (James 1:19, Proverbs 18:13) The fact that Paul tells us to be quick to listen means that, by nature, most of us are not. As children of Adam, we are hard-wired to do things the opposite way that we should. We are often slow to listen well. Listening well involves listening to understand, rather than listening to respond or solve. This principle does not just mean that our mouths are closed more often than they are open; our goal is to be fully present with our spouse. Our distractions are limited; we are giving them our best attention (face-to-face), and we are listening to hear and understand their heart and perspective. Be Slow to Speak (James 1:19) By nature, we are quick to speak, quick to defend, and quick to retaliate with our words. What God knows, and what He wants us to see, is that being quick with our words can lead to quick destruction. In Ephesians 4:29, Paul instructs us that our words should build up, edify the listener, and be helpful to those who hear. How will you know if your words accomplish this goal? You won’t know unless you think them through - unless you are slow to speak. Be Slow to Anger (James 1:19-20, Ephesians 4:26-27) The righteousness of God - actions that reflect God’s character- cannot be produced from the sinful anger of man. Anger is a powerful force. It is an emotion that God Himself possesses, that tells us that something is wrong or an injustice is being done. God is always just, fair, and true, and when things are done against that, it can produce rightful anger. We know that we are not always just, fair, and true, and our anger produces sin, hurt, and destruction, and can ultimately give our enemy a foothold in our lives. So, how do we get angry without sinning? We must test our anger, which takes time, which is why James instructs us to be slow to anger. We hold our anger up to the light of God’s Word and view it in light of His standard of what is just, fair, and true. 43 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1 Couple Chat, Continued Evaluate Together & Consider Asking In their book, instruct the couple to rate themselves on each of the principles. Which one is the least difficult, and which one is the most difficult? Ask their spouse if they agree with their rating. What are the obstacles in their life that need to be overcome with God’s help so that those principles can be strengthened?___ Come Empty ___ Be Quick to Listen ___ Be Slow to Speak ___ Be Slow to Anger Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Not difficult for me 5 = Most difficult for me (As seen in notebook) Share any insight or passages of Scripture that will challenge them to walk in obedience to Jesus and His Word.
If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14 in your notebook, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Communication, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back at page 8 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Communication (ability to speak and listen well), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 44 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1
Come ______________ (1 Corinthians 8:2) We willingly come as learners, understanding that we do not fully know how our spouse is feeling or thinking, and we approach the conversation with an open mind, without defensiveness or arrogance. Be ______________ to Listen (James 1:19) Listening well involves listening to understand, not listening to respond or solve. Be ______________ to Speak (James 1:19) Being quick with our words can lead to quick destruction Be Slow to _____________(James 1:19-20) The righteousness of God - actions that reflect God’s character- cannot be produced from the sinful anger of man. A Biblical Perspective for Listening WellThe Goal for the Listener: Out of a heart of humility, knowing that you do not possess perfect knowledge, listen to understand the perspective of your spouse, speak only to clarify, while believing that God can use this conversation to strengthen you and your marriage. _____ Come Empty _____ Be Quick to Listen _____ Be Slow to Speak _____ Be Slow to Anger Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Not difficult for me 5 = Most difficult for me 45 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1
Skills Work - “You, Me, Us, Others” Daily Check-In Guide Turn to page 27 in your notebook, and we are going to show you a simple skill that is designed to foster a daily connection with each other by focusing on conversations around four categories: “you, me, us, and others.” Big, hot-topic issues are not handled with this type of dialogue. The total time spent with this daily check-in is around 5-10 minutes, or less! Let’s look at each of these four categories, and then we will demonstrate this for you.You Share something you appreciate or admire about your spouse, and a hope that you have for your futureMe Share something about you (an activity from the day, what you enjoyed about your time in God’s Word, how your spouse can pray for you)Others Share something about the family, church, or workUs Share something that concerns both of you (update with the children, vacation plans, plans that changed, a bill that needs to be paid)Start Here! Homework This week you are going to complete a Daily Check-In following this guide. The goal is to have this intentional conversation every day. It should be around 5-10 minutes total. Avoid hot topics. Don’t forget your listening principles!This dialogue guide is adapted from the Daily Check-In from Live the Life’s “Navigating Us.” For more information on this skills-based program, visit https://www.livethelife.org/navigating-us 46 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1
In-Session Resource & Homework “You, Me, Us, Others” Daily Check-In Guide Homework This skill is designed to foster a daily connection with your spouse by focusing on conversations around four categories: you, me, us, and other. When using this skill, remember... The goal is to have an intentional conversation every day. It should be around 5-10 minutes total. Avoid hot topics. Don’t forget your listening principles!This dialogue guide is adapted from the Daily Check-In from Live the Life’s “Navigating Us.” For more information on this skills-based program, visit https://www.livethelife.org/navigating-us 47 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1You Share something you appreciate or admire about your spouse, and a hope that you have for your futureMe Share something about you (an activity from the day, what you enjoyed about your time in God’s Word, how your spouse can pray for you)Others Share something about the family, church, or workUs Share something that concerns both of you (update with the children, vacation plans, plans that changed, a bill that needs to be paid) Start Here!
Session Notes: Couple Chat-Biblical Perspective for Speaking Well We will now examine the next role in communication, which is the role of the speaker. We have a sheet to follow along with as we examine three biblical principles for speaking well, which is located in your notebook on page 28. Mentor Tip: The participant workbook has the underlined portion of the material. There is an opportunity for them to self-evaluate at the end of the worksheet. Following this section, you will guide them through their evaluation. Recommended process for working through “A Biblical Perspective for Speaking Well”: Read the Scripture passage out loud and summarize the points in your own words, but read the underlined statements, since they have that material in their book. 48 Topic Two: Communication Session Two- Principles for Speaking 2.2 Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Review of Daily Check-In Couple Chat- Biblical Principles for Speaking Well Skills Work - Listener/Speaker Dialogue Homework - Listener/Speaker Dialogue Practice Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Ephesians 4:29-32 How did it go? In what ways did it help keep you connected? Was this harder or easier to complete than you thought? After doing this, what challenges came from the dialogue (finding a convenient time, limiting distractions)? What were some surprises that came with completing the check-in?
1. Check Your Heart (Psalm 139:23-24) Before engaging in any difficult conversation, there is work to be done within the speaker's life. In Psalm 139, David models this work. He goes to the Lord and says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Before approaching your spouse with a complaint, you go to the Lord first and ask Him to search your heart. What are you believing that is not true? What part do you play in the conflict? What actions are you doing against your spouse that are sinful (disrespectful, unkind, unfair)? Do the hard work. Do the heart work. And when that has been done, we come to the table for conversation. 2. Speak out of Gentleness and Respect (Psalm 19:14, Titus 3:2) The words of the speaker should be laced with gentleness and respect and come out of our heart that echoes that of King David, “may the words of my mouth...be pleasing in your sight.” Your spouse is not the enemy. Something is happening that is undermining the “oneness” of your relationship or causing you to stray from your mission as a couple. Coming with an attitude of arrogance and pride will only compound the division between you and push you further off course. 3. Understand the Power You Have (James 3:6, 2 Corinthians 7:8-9, Proverbs 18:21) Words are powerful. In the writings of Paul, we see that words can cause a “quickening in the heart” of a person, and they can bring “angst to the room.” In James, we read that words are like a spark that can destroy an entire forest. In Proverbs, we are told that death and life are in the power of our words. As the speaker, your words can leave a trail of destruction, or they can be beneficial to the hearer and lead to resolution. Choose your words wisely. 49 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2 Couple Chat, Continued Evaluate Together & Consider Asking In their book, instruct the couple to rate themselves on each of the principles. Which one is the least difficult, and which one is the most difficult? Ask their spouse if they agree with their rating.___ Check your heart ___ Speak out of gentleness and respect ___ Understand the power you haveRate each principle for yourself. 1 = Not Difficult for me 5 = Most Difficult for me (As seen in their notebook) What are the obstacles in their life that need to be overcome with God’s help so that those principles can be strengthened? Share any insight or passages of Scripture that will challenge them to walk in obedience to Jesus and His Word.
With the framework in place, we will now learn an effective communication exercise that involves both speaking and listening well. Unlike the “You, Me, Us, Them” Daily Check-In, the Speaker/listener Dialogue is designed to, in time, address some touchy subjects (frustrations, annoying things, something you don’t understand) in a controlled way. Turn in your notebook to page 29. This will include your homework for the week. To begin, one of you takes on the role of the speaker, and the other takes on the role of the listener. Later in the exercise, you will switch roles. Let’s look at the goals and processes for each.Skills Work - Listener/Speaker Dialogue Homework Mentor Tip: Demonstrate the dialogue with your spouse before assigning this dialogue for homework. Possible suggestions for neutral topics could be your morning routine or favorite vacation. If they have a difficult time letting the other person speak, have them hold an object like a pen. If they are holding the object, they are the one speaking. This week, use this dialogue guide in the “everyday world.” If any issues arise that you would like to discuss, ask your spouse if they have time to do the dialogue homework. If the timing doesn’t work, they need to agree to discuss it at another time (it should not be an open-ended meeting time; within 24 hours is best). If things get tense, hit the “pause” button and agree to complete the discussion in your next session. 50 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2
The Goal for the Speaker: Out of a heart that is pure before the Lord, speak clearly with gentleness and respect while understanding the power of your words. Check Your ____________ (Psalm 139:23-24) Before approaching your spouse with a complaint, you go to the Lord first and ask Him to search your heart. Speak out of ____________________ and _________________ (Titus 3:2) Coming with an attitude of arrogance and pride will only compound the division between you and push you further off course. Understand the ______________ You Have (James 1:19) Your words can leave a trail of destruction, or they can be beneficial to the hearer and lead to resolution. A Biblical Perspective for Speaking Well _____ Check your heart _____ Speak out of gentleness and respect _____ Understand the power you have Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Not difficult for me 5 = Most Difficult for me In-Session Worksheet 51 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2
In-Session Resource & Homework Speaker/Listener Dialogue Homework: This week, use this dialogue guide in the “everyday world.” If any issues arise that you would like to discuss, ask your spouse if they have time to do the dialogue homework. If the timing doesn’t work, they need to agree to discuss it at another time (it should not be an open-ended meeting time; within 24 hours is best). If things get tense, hit the “pause” button and agree to complete the discussion in your next session. 52 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2
Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Hebrews 10:24 Review of Homework When it was your chance to listen, how did it go? When it was your chance to speak, how did it go? What do you see as the benefit of using this dialogue? What do you think will be some obstacles to using this dialogue? Couple ChatWe are going to practice the Listener/Speaker dialogue together, but Skills Work - Listener/Speaker Dialogue & Solution Session Notes: 53 Topic Two: Communication Session Three- Identifying Obstacles 2.3 Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Review of Listener/Speaker Dialogue Couple Chat- Identify the Heart of the Obstacles Skills Work - Listener/Speaker Dialogue & Solution Homework - Creating a Shared Solution Mentor Tip: Before you transition to the second listener/speaker dialogue, you will want to discern the heart of the obstacles they identified. Is their objection coming from a sinful heart (not willing to open up to their spouse or refusing to connect), or is it coming from normal struggles that come with trying something new? Prayerfully challenge the “heart” of the issue before moving forward.before we do that, look on page 30 at Creating Shared Solution. This is where we will look at the dialogue in the context of a larger process. We don’t want to just share our different perspectives; we want to work towards a solution, and this resource can help us do that. Using a neutral topic below, go through the Speaker/Listener Dialogue, but this time, pay close attention to the valid points that your spouse shares and collect them in an imaginary bowl between you. You will need to refer to these as you work towards a solution. Possible Topics: The proper way to load the dishwasher Best practices to keep a vehicle or house clean How often you should go out to eat Homework - Creating a Shared Solution This week, you will look for an opportunity to use the dialogue guide in the “everyday world” and, if possible, work toward a solution. You will share your experience with us at our next session.
Collect Shared “Good Points”All of the good thoughts/points that your spouse shared are put into a “bowl.” These are points that you both agree on.Using the dialogue resource, practice both speaking and listening.Speak & ListenBrainstorm Possible SolutionsPrayerfully consider possible solutions that address the “good points” collected in the bowl. Agree on one solution.Evaluate Possible PitfallsThink back to past experiences and, without being judgmental towards one another, identify possible pitfalls that might get you off course, and talk through ways you can protect yourself from them. Be proactive.Take ActionWork the plan together and evaluate as you go. Roadblocks and speed bumps are expected.Homework Creating a Shared SolutionIn a concise statement, identify the problem you are both trying to solve.Identify the problem 54 2.3
55 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - 1 Thessalonians 5:14-21 Topic Two: Communication Session Four - Hurdles Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Creating a Shared Solution Couple Chat - Hurdles: Heavy Topics & Heavy Emotions Homework - Take Off Self; Put on Christ 2.4 Session Notes: Consider Asking: Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What do you feel like you do well in regarding your current communication styles/habits? Are there known issues that you both have in communicating effectively? Could you describe your current check-in pattern? We know that communication is more than just speaking. It’s speaking, listening, and then all the non-verbal cues that come along with it. How much thought do you give to each of these areas as you communicate with your spouse? Couple Chat - Heavy Topics & Heavy Emotions As we continue our time together, two of the hurdles we are likely to encounter as we grow in our communication are handling heavy topics and navigating heavy emotions. Anticipating and addressing these challenges will help establish clear guardrails and parameters for working through them in a helpful and God-honoring manner. Heavy topics are issues that have been “pushed under the rug” or ignored because a couple lacks the capacity or know-how to handle them. Mentor Tip: The following pages address challenges (hurdles) that arise with heavy topics and emotions. As you walk through them with your couple, pray for wisdom, share from your own experience when appropriate, and encourage open dialogue. Move at a thoughtful pace, and after each section, invite the couple to reflect on which principles come naturally and which will require intentional growth (1 Timothy 4:7). See page 174 in the Appendix for practical tools that show how God has designed our bodies to reset during difficult and stressful conversations. Heavy emotions often come alongside heavy topics. There is a deep temptation to forget principles and purposes for the conversation, as the invitation to react to what is shared is very strong. On pages 31 & 32 in your notebook, we will look at guidelines for approaching both of these through a biblical perspective, and then we are going to demonstrate a skill before the end of our session.
Hurdle 1: Heavy Topics Sometimes it seems better to ignore the “elephant in the room” because the topic seems a bit too overwhelming to talk about. Before starting the conversation (using the Listener/Speaker Dialogue that we learned earlier), it’s important to remind ourselves of biblical principles that can help set the stage for a healthy and helpful conversation to take place. Talk with Jesus (Matthew 7). Before bringing an issue to your spouse, bring it to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to examine you and reveal any “planks” (areas of growth, blind spots) in your own life before pointing out the “speck” in your spouse. Set a time to talk (Psalm 19:14). Emotions can compound on one another, and if this is a heavy topic, you need to start on neutral ground as much as possible. Consider the best time for both of you and ask your spouse if it works with their schedule. If that time doesn’t work, ask for a better time. This gives both of you time to get in the right head and heart space, while praying that what you say and what you think would be pleasing to God. Fight, not for yourself, but for your “oneness” as a couple (Ephesians 5:31). God has brought you and your spouse together to reflect His glory and fulfill a purpose that is greater than both of you. So, fight the obstacle that is in opposition to your oneness, not each other. Don’t fall into a trap (John 10:10; 1 Peter 5:8; 1 Corinthians 10:31). We have an enemy that hates what God loves, which includes your marriage. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, and he has well-calculated traps to establish strongholds in your life to do just that. Be sober-minded and alert. This conversation can and should bring glory to God. Say: Before we move to the second hurdle, at the bottom of your page, rate yourself on how naturally these come to you, and which ones you will need to train yourself to grow in. The underlined words are blanks in the couple’s workbook_____ Talk with Jesus _____ Set a time to talk _____ Fight, not for yourself, but for your oneness as a couple _____ Don’t fall into a trapRate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area 56 Consider Asking: How did you see your parents handle heavy topics? Did you see this result in healthy outcomes? Do you see that you can lean towards dealing with those in similar ways? We often learn how to handle conflict from what we observed growing up. Whether our reactions to heavy topics are learned or not, God wants us to take off what is not helpful and put on what is (Colossians 3:9-10). See Take Off Self, Put On Christ handout on page 33. Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4
Say: Once again, we will rate how we naturally respond to these principles. The underlined words are blanks in the couple’s workbook 57 Consider Asking: What is the principle that comes most naturally? What is the principle that you need to remind yourself of often? How does that reminder need to come? Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4Hurdle 2: Heavy Emotions Now we are going to talk about dealing with heavy emotions. These often sneak up on us, and they can also build over time. However they come to you, God has some wisdom on how to handle them. Make every thought surrender to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). As thoughts and ideas pass into your mind, you must take them and hold them to the light, seeing what God says about each one. If there is truth to what is said, it stays, and you let it accomplish its work in your life. If it is not based on truth or rooted in love, or is not helpful, let it out of your mind, and replace it with what is true. Rely on the Holy Spirit to have self-control (2 Timothy 1:7). “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” Paul tells us. The root of not having self-control is fear. In conflict, we often experience an unknown fear of losing control, not being respected, and not being needed, which leads us to lash out. The antidote to fear is trust. Remember, God is a good and sovereign king, and He can use everything to make you more like His Son and produce good things through trials and hurdles that otherwise would not be able to be accomplished. Look for the way out (1 Corinthians 10:13). When the topic is heavy, and the emotions that come with it are heavy, there is a strong opportunity for the conversation to go in a direction that is not helpful. In this passage, Paul tells us that before we are tempted to pursue with anger, resentment, shame, guilt, or fear, God will give us a way out. Be on guard. Be aware. If the conversation is getting off track, look for the exit ramp to come back to it at a better time. This can simply be done by recognizing that you need time to process how you are feeling, and you call for a TIME OUT! Agree to come back within 24 hours when emotions have calmed down._____ Make every thought surrender to Christ _____ Rely on the Holy Spirit to have self- control _____ Look for the way outRate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area Homework For homework, you are going to read 1 Timothy 4:7, which reminds us that godly living and godly actions do not just happen. Like an athlete, this happens with training and cooperation with the Holy Spirit.
Hurdle 1: Heavy Topics Sometimes it seems better to ignore the “elephant in the room” because the topic seems a bit too overwhelming to talk about. Before starting the conversation (using the Listener/Speaker Dialogue that we learned earlier), it’s important to remind ourselves of biblical principles that can help set the stage for a healthy and helpful conversation to take place. Talk with __________________ (Matthew 7:3-5). Before bringing an issue to your spouse, bring it to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to examine you and reveal any “planks” (areas of growth, blind spots) in your own life before pointing out the “speck” in your spouse. Set a time to ____________________ (Psalm 19:14). Emotions can compound on one another, and if this is a heavy topic, you need to start on a neutral “playing field” as much as possible. Consider the best time for both of you and ask your spouse if it works with their schedule. If that time doesn’t work, ask for a better time. This gives both of you time to get in the right head and heart space, while praying that what you say and what you think would be pleasing to God. Fight, not for yourself, but for your “_____________________” as a couple (Ephesians 5:31). God has brought you and your spouse together to reflect His glory and fulfill a purpose that is greater than both of you. So, fight the obstacle that is in opposition to your oneness, not each other. Don’t fall into a _____________________ (John 10:10; 1 Peter 5:8; 1 Corinthians 10:31). We have an enemy that hates what God loves, which includes your marriage. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, and he has well-calculated traps to establish strongholds in your life to do just that. Be sober-minded and alert. This conversation can and should bring glory to God. Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area_____ Talk with Jesus _____ Set a time to talk _____ Fight, not for yourself, but for your oneness as a couple _____ Don’t fall into a trap In-Session Worksheet 58 Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4
Hurdle 2: Heavy Emotions Make every thought _________________ to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8). As thoughts and ideas pass into your mind, you must take them and hold them to the light, seeing what God says about each one. If there is truth to what is said, it stays, and you let it accomplish its work in your life. If it’s not true, replace it with what is true. Rely on the Holy Spirit to have ___________________________ (2 Timothy 1:7). “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” Paul tells us that the root of not having self-control is fear. In conflict, we often experience an unknown fear of losing control, not being respected, and not being needed, which leads us to lash out. The antidote to fear is trust. Remember, God is a good and sovereign king, and He can use everything to make you more like His Son and produce good things through trials and hurdles that otherwise would not be able to be accomplished. Look for the way ___________ (1 Corinthians 10:13). When the topic is heavy, and the emotions that come with it are heavy, there is a strong opportunity for the conversation to go in a direction that is not helpful. In this passage, Paul tells us that before we are tempted to pursue anger, resentment, shame, or guilt, God will give us a way out. Be on guard. Be aware. If the conversation is getting off track, look for the exit ramp to come back to it at a better time._____ Make every thought surrender to Christ _____ Rely on the Holy Spirit to have self-control _____ Look for the way out Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area 59 In-Session Worksheet Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4
Take Off Put On Lying (Eph. 4:25) Speaking truth in love (Eph. 4:25) Sinful anger (Eph. 4:26, 31) Self-control & reconciliation (Eph. 4:26, 32) Stealing (Eph. 4:28) Honest work & generosity (Eph. 4:28) Corrupt or harmful speech (Eph. 4:29) Words that build up & give grace (Eph. 4:29) Bitterness, rage, malice (Eph. 4:31) Kindness, compassion, forgiveness (Eph. 4:32) Sexual immorality & impurity (Col. 3:5) Purity & honoring God with your body (1 Cor. 6:18–20) Greed / covetousness (Col. 3:5) Contentment & generosity (Phil. 4:11–13; 1 Tim. 6:6–8) Slander & gossip (Col. 3:8) Encouragement & blessing (Rom. 12:14) Hate or division (Col. 3:8, 15) Love & unity (Col. 3:14–15; Rom. 12:10) Pride & self-centeredness (Phil. 2:3) Humility & serving others (Phil. 2:3–4) Revenge (Rom. 12:19) Forgiveness & leaving justice to God (Rom. 12:19–21)Take Off Self and Put On Christ As Christians, we are invited each day to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to shape us to look more like Jesus. This transformation is not for our salvation but flows from it. Because we have been rescued from sin and death, our old self is meant to fade as our new life in Christ continues to grow as we make choices to put on Christ. (Psalm 16:11; 1 Corinthians 5:17; 6:12). In-Session Resource & Homework 60 Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4 Homework Read 1 Timothy 4:7, which reminds us that godly living does not happen by accident. Like an athlete, it requires intentional training and cooperation with the Holy Spirit. With your spouse, review the list above and share areas where you have grown to look more like Jesus, as well as areas where you want to continue growing in obedience. Be prepared to share at your next session.
Topic Overview Explores the reality of conflict, what may be happening beneath the surface, and how couples can respond in healthy, God-honoring ways. Couples practice tools that help them slow down, understand one another, and work toward peace and resolution. Session Goals Help the couple... See conflict from a biblical perspective. Understand what is really driving their disagreements. Identify unhealthy patterns and obstacles that keep them from peace. Learn practical ways to work through conflict together. Grow toward peace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Conflict is a normal part of marriage, but it doesn't have to pull you apart. Many conflicts begin with unspoken or unmet expectations or deeper heart issues. Lasting change happens when we deal with the root of the conflict, not just the argument. Peace grows when we choose humility, forgiveness, and a willingness to understand one another. God can use conflict to strengthen both our marriage and our faith. Topic Three: Conflict Resolution
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63 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - 1 Peter 3:8-12 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution Session One - The Reality of Conflict Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Hurdles in Communication and Fighting for Oneness Exercise Couple Chat - Reality of Conflict Homework - Conflict Assessment Consider Asking: As you look back, what growth do you see in your walk with the Lord? In what areas do you want to keep training for godliness? Couple Chat We are starting a new section on Conflict Resolution. Turn to page 36 in your workbook and revisit the rating you each gave regarding this topic on page 9. Then turn to page 14 and write down the values you believe are most important regarding this topic. Mentor Tip: After examining these passages, finish Couple Chat by examining two realities of conflict on the bottom of page 39. 3.1 You looked at 1 Timothy 4:7 and talked through the Take Off Self and Put On Christ handout. Consider Asking: Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What are some strengths that you have in this area? What are some growth areas that you have in this area? What is your perspective on Conflict Resolution? What God Says About Conflict Session Notes: We know that God is aware that while living on earth, conflict will be a common issue. However, God did not intend for us to remain in unending conflict. The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6) gives us His peace (John 14:27), and He desires peace to dwell in us (Colossians 3:15), and for us to seek peace and pursue it (1 Peter 3:11). As we look at the process of resolving conflicts, it should have a goal to step into the peace that He provides and seek to be in right standing with those around us. In Romans 12:18, Paul writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” To work toward this peace, we are given several passages that offer a biblical perspective on dealing with conflict in a way that brings glory to God rather than destruction to relationships. We are going to look at these together, so turn to page 37, What the Bible Says About Conflict.
Biblical Support for Conflict Resolution Matthew 5:23-24- “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Ask: What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to handle conflict when we are in the wrong? We don’t have to wait for someone to make the first move in reconciliation. When we know we’ve hurt someone, we must step in with humility, self-awareness, and sensitivity to their feelings, obeying the Holy Spirit’s conviction. Jesus even emphasizes seeking peace with others over ritual sacrifice, showing that peace with God flows through peace with people. Matthew 7:3-5- “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Ask: What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to deal with conflict when we “see issues” with other people? By nature, we can usually see the faults in others quicker and easier than we can see in ourselves (these are called blind spots or growth areas, and interestingly, they are what we often struggle with as well). Knowing this about us, God is telling us to slow down and examine ourselves first before confronting someone else. When you can see the situation with clarity and without being blinded by emotion, you can then act with humility when addressing those blind spots or areas for growth in others. Ephesians 4:26-27-“In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ask: What does this passage teach us about the result of unresolved anger? In this passage, we see that Paul is not instructing Christians against having anger. We are given emotions that are, in and of themselves, not sinful. Like warnings on a dashboard in a vehicle, our feelings convey a message that something is happening within us, and attention is needed. When we fail to give that attention, our emotions can grow and fester, creating a breeding ground for sin. Colossians 3:13- “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Ask: What does this passage teach us about dealing with people and forgiveness? Paul addresses something basic but necessary to grasp. It won’t always be easy to deal with people. The idea of “bearing” with others implies that it will be work. We may want to give up, but he encourages us to press on and stay in it. He also does not shield us from a false reality - people will sin against us, but our response is to mirror the Lord and how He has forgiven us. Forgive…a lot. We will talk more about these in the next few sessions, but we needed to cover these foundational verses to get our brains and hearts on the right path. It’s obvious, especially when dealing with conflict, that His ways are not always our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). We need His help to move toward resolution. 3.1 64
Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict Homework Turn to pages 38 & 39 in your workbook. This week, you will be completing two assignments. The first step will be to identify common obstacles to peace and reconciliation in your relationship, which we will address in the next few sessions. Since conflict is inevitable, it's important to have a solid plan in place to manage it effectively. With that in mind, you will establish your game plan for how you want to handle conflict resolution as “Team Us.” The second assignment will be to complete the Identifying Common Obstacles page, which will guide us through the following weeks together. Mentor Tip: If you would like a better understanding of the obstacles currently affecting their relationship so you can prepare more intentionally for your next meeting, invite the couple to share their results with you. For each obstacle listed, a support page is provided, which includes: Statements to listen for Messages that their heart could believe A possible “map” of the conflict Biblical passages to examine together Questions to consider asking as you seek to gather more informationAs we move towards peace, we need to work through two realities of conflict. Conflict is inevitable (James 4:1) As we each view circumstances and situations differently through our unique personalities, perspectives, and positions, conflict is inevitable. We decide if conflict leads to a path of growth or destruction (Proverbs 25:4, James 1:4). God’s order in creation reveals that growth occurs in times of heat and pressure (James refers to these as “various trials”), and similarly, growth in people follows a similar pattern. When we view conflict as it can be — an opportunity rather than an obstacle — we can cooperate in the growth that God wants to bring into our lives and relationships, leading us down a path to maturity and a life lacking nothing. Mentor Tip: One helpful analogy is how a diamond is formed: under extreme pressure and heat, something beautiful and strong emerges. Likewise, conflict, though uncomfortable, can shape us in ways we wouldn’t experience otherwise, leading us toward maturity and a more complete life. At the same time, we have an enemy who wants us to be lacking in everything and headed toward destruction. He aims to keep conflict unresolved and create barriers that block our peace and unity as a couple. 65 3.1
In-Session Worksheet ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14 in your notebook, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Conflict Resolution, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Getting Started Look back at page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Conflict Resolution (ability to discuss and resolve differences constructively), we are... Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity 66 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
Matthew 5:23-24- “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to handle conflict when we are in the wrong? Matthew 7:3-5- “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to deal with conflict when we “see issues” with other people? Ephesians 4:26-27-“In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” What does this passage teach us about the result of unresolved anger? Colossians 3:13- “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” What does this passage teach us about dealing with people and forgiveness?What the Bible Says About Conflict The Two Realities of Conflict Conflict is __________________ Conflict leads to a path of _____________________ or ___________________. In-Session Worksheet 67 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
Unresolved Past Hurts: I believe that one or both of us is carrying unresolved pain/hurt from a former experience that is keeping us from growing past the conflict. Pride and Self-Centeredness: One or both of us is prioritizing being right over peace and reconciliation, which is hindering us from seeking helpful solutions. Lack of Active Listening: One or both of us is not listening well, resulting in misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts . Unhealthy Resolution or View of Conflict: One or both of us is not dealing with conflict healthily, or would prefer to ignore it altogether. Shame and Guilt: I believe that one or both of us is holding on to past mistakes, which is preventing us from being able to move forward. Discontentment and/or Jealousy: I believe that one or both of us is carrying an attitude of discontentment and/or jealousy that makes it difficult to operate as one.Identifying Common Obstacles to Peace & Reconciliation So why is there conflict? James 4:1 asks the same question, but provides the answer as well: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” We all face internal battles, and these internal conflicts create obstacles to finding peace and reconciliation within relationships. These can stem from past experiences, personal attitudes, and misunderstandings. Some common ones are listed below. Directions: In the box to the left under “My Rating,” rate each obstacle from 1-5, to the degree this obstacle is present in your marriage. Before moving forward, exchange your rating with your spouse and write their score under “Your Rating.” 1 = Issue not present in our marriage; 5 = Issue frequently presentHomework My Rating Your Rating 68 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
What we will DO: (ex: use active listening, limit distractions)What we will NOT DO: (ex: mock, assume the worst, interrupt)Our Plan to Work Through Conflict Our Goal for Conflict: Homework You most likely know enough about yourselves and your relationship to recognize if your current conflict strategy is producing growth or destruction. Consider together: What patterns do we repeat when we disagree, and what do those patterns usually lead to? After an argument, do we feel more understood or more guarded? What would “healthy growth” during conflict actually look like for us, not in theory but in practice? Based on your conversation, fill out the table below for what you, as a couple, are committing to do and committing not to do when you are facing conflict. Respectful Honest Calm Constructive Open Empathetic Patient Collaborative Curious Accountable Balanced Intentional Non-defensive Solution-focused Clear Fair Supportive Self-aware Regulated Trust-building Flexible Safe Attentive Growth-oriented Using the list of positive adjectives that are possible during conflict, circle the ones that are most important to you both as a couple, and write out your goal for dealing with conflict as a couple striving for US. 69 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
70 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Luke 10:38-42 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Our Conflict Plan Couple Chat- Expectations Homework - Finding Common Ground Consider Asking: How did your discussion go on barriers? What did you learn about your spouse from this conversation? What did you learn about yourself? What is your Healthy Conflict Game Plan that you created together? Couple Chat If you think back to many of the disagreements you have had in your marriage, they often come back to unmet expectations. In our minds, we know how something is going to go, and then when reality looks different, frustration can quickly set in. Mentor Tip: Consider sharing a personal example of when you had two different expectations for the same circumstance. 3.2 Consider Asking: What expectations have you realized you had that, when they weren't met, caused conflict? If you had to identify how you felt about that, what emotion would you use (use the emotion wheel resource if needed)? Session Notes: That's what we see happen in Luke’s account of Martha and Mary. Both women were welcoming Jesus, but they approached the moment very differently. Martha was busy serving and likely expected Mary to be helping as well. Meanwhile, Mary was sitting with Jesus, with her attention solely on Him. Martha and Mary weren't just doing different things, but they were experiencing the same situation from two very different perspectives, and each one was carrying their own set of expectations. The same thing happens in marriage. Two people can walk through the same circumstance and come away with completely different expectations about how things should go. And like Martha, when our expectations go unspoken or unmet, conflict is usually close by. It starts with disappointment, which can grow into frustration, which can turn into resentment, which creates a barrier in the relationship. To Martha’s advantage, she had Jesus close by to point out something very important - her expectations, what she wanted to happen, were not the best for her. So this means that the expectations we hold can, likewise, not be the best for us. We need to spend some time evaluating our expectations to make sure we are striving for what is best.
In this session, we are going to get very practical and identify personal expectations that we have, and then evaluate those expectations by asking: Are these expectations Unspoken or Spoken? Are they realistic for our family? Is this the best for our family? Turn to page 40. Take about 10 minutes now to list your expectations for three categories: family, religious, and fun. After naming the expectations, you will evaluate your response to them based on three categories: 1.Is it a spoken or unspoken expectation 2.Is your expectation realistic for your family and the season you are in 3.Is your expectation the best The last one is really the most important. As we read earlier in our session, some things are good, but we want to aim for what is best. When you are done, let us know, and then we will demonstrate a follow-up exercise that you will do at home together.Mentor Tip: Consider sharing about a time when you chose good over best, and how that impacted your marriage, your family, or your walk with the Lord. Homework For homework, turn to page 41 in your notebook. On this page is a process for finding common ground, and together, you will discuss your expectations following this process. To help you get started, we are going to work through one now. Mentor Tip: Pick a neutral topic. If you have time, do one for each person. If you feel like it would be best to demonstrate one from your marriage to help lighten the mood, feel free to do so. 71 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict 3.2
On your own, identify two expectations in each category and write them in the chart. Honestly evaluate the three responses, and answer accordingly. For those you believe to be realistic and the best for your family, put a star and bring with you at your next session for next steps. Identifying & Evaluating Personal ExpectationsIn-Session Worksheet 72 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict 3.2
Finding Common GroundIn-Session Worksheet & HomeworkNAME THE EXPECTATION For ______________________ (category), I have a spoken/unspoken expectation that we should _______________________________________________. I value this because ____________________________________________________________ I think it is realistic because ___________________________________________________ I think it is the best for our family because ___________________________________ FINDING COMMON GROUND FOR “US” To work toward finding common ground, ask your spouse the questions below in the following order. Allow them to respond honestly without blame, shame, or judgment. Do you think this is realistic? Why or why not? Do you think this is best for our family? Why or why not? Would you want to make any adjustments? If a counter suggestion is made, repeat their suggestion: You think we should ____________________________________. Is that right? Would you consider trying this and then reevaluating in ________ (offer a specific time)? If you are not able to find common ground yet, take a break and agree on a time to come back and discuss it. Look through each category on the provided chart. On your own, write down expectations you have in that area. Evaluate and ask yourself: Has this expectation been spoken or is it unspoken? Is this expectation realistic for our family? Is this expectation the best for our family? To dig deeper, why is this expectation important to me? Reflect on Your Expectations Pick one expectation to talk through with your spouse and work through the process below, then take turns. On your first turn, pick an easy (light, safe) expectation. Choose One to Discuss 73 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict 3.2
74 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - James 4:1-3 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution Session Two - The Creation of Conflict Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Finding Common Ground Couple Chat- The Creation of Conflict Homework - Finding the Root Couple Chat We have just examined the reality of conflict; now we will explore the Creation of Conflict. In the passage that we just read from James, we are told why conflicts arise in the first place. Like an onion, conflict has layers. Some things are seen and unseen. It may be tempting to jump right in and start solving issues (the obvious issues that are seen), but there is a root to conflict (which is unseen) that needs to be addressed as well. This is a foundational piece that we can gain a lot of insight from, so we need to pay attention before moving forward. In your workbook, turn to page 42, The Creation of Conflict. Let’s walk through the layers of conflict together as we look a little deeper into the passage that we read from the book of James. Our goal is to see the inner workings of conflict and work through identifying the different stages of how conflicts are formed. The hope is that we can see this formation in our own conflicts and identify how God wants us to respond through them. 3.2 Session Notes: Consider Asking: What did you notice about your expectations? Were they mainly unspoken? Were they realistic? What expectation did you choose to address as you were searching for common ground? How did walking through the conversation guide help you find common ground with an expectation? What was it like as you worked your way through the conversation? What did you learn about yourself?
Walking Through the Creation of Conflict Take a look at the diagram. We are going to walk through it together and use James 4:1–3 to understand how arguments can form and how we can look more like Jesus as we walk through them. Our Wants and Desires - James 4:1 James begins by pointing us inward. When conflict happens, it can be easy to focus only on the circumstance or on what our spouse did: “I responded that way because you did this.” But James invites us to also consider what is happening within us - the wants and desires in our heart that are influencing the way we respond. The heart can be described as the steering wheel of our life. Because of our relationship with Adam (Romans 5:12), we need our hearts to be searched and examined by the Lord (Psalm 139:24). When a Want or Desire Becomes a Demand - James 4:2 We all have things we want or hope for in our marriage. Many of those desires may be good things- like wanting to feel loved, respected, appreciated, heard, supported, or understood. The problem comes when a good desire begins to take on too much importance - when “I would like this” becomes “I need this,” “I deserve this,” or “You must give me this.”75 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2When We Don't Get What We Want - James 4:2 When something has become very important to us, not getting it can begin to shape the way we respond. When we don't get what we have come to demand, James shows us what can happen: we quarrel and fight. How it reveals itself in our actions and attitudes can be different. It may be visible like yelling, or invisible, like stonewalling. The result of the disappointment or frustration is pain, hurt, and destruction. The first part of the diagram has helped us see how conflict can form. Now we move toward the remedy. Check Your Motives: The Heart Work - the Hard Work - James 4:3 In James 4:3, the motives of our heart are brought to the conversation which forces us to do the “heart work and the hard work” as we ask questions like: God, what is my heart demanding right now? What has become so important to me that I feel like I have to have it? What am I believing I need from my spouse? What in my heart is in opposition to what God says is true? What does my response reveal about what is ruling my heart? What do I need to confess or acknowledge before God?
76 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2Surrender Your Wants and Desires to Jesus Once we recognize what is happening in our heart, the next step is deciding what we will do about it. The final step in the remedy is one of humility and surrender that reflects our Savior, “It’s not my will, but your will be done.” Surrender doesn't mean we stop wanting good things. It means we bring those desires to Jesus with open hands. Instead of allowing what we want to control our response, we choose to trust what God says is true and allow Him to redirect our heart. And we don't do this in our own strength. God gives us a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26), and the Holy Spirit (John 14:26) to help us put off our old ways of responding and put on new ones (Ephesians 4:22). Questions to consider: What desire do I need to surrender to Jesus? What does God say is true that my heart needs to believe? What would trusting God with this desire look like? What old response do I need to put off? What would a new, Christlike response look like? What is one way I can love my spouse differently as I move forward? Remember: A good desire does not have to become a demand. When we are willing to examine our hearts, surrender our desires to Jesus, and trust what God says is true, the Holy Spirit can help us respond differently.
James 4:1-3 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.Your Wants/Desires that are rooted in a heart that battles sin- James 4:1- 3Your Wants/Desires , which are rooted in a sinful heart, Become a Demand (You covet) James 4:2You are not given what you are demanding, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:2THE REMEDY: CHECK YOUR MOTIVES James 4:3 IN HUMILITY, SURRENDER YOUR DESIRES AND WANTS TO JESUS. “It’s not my will, but your will be done.” Luke 22:42 Galatians 2:20 Philippians 2:3-4 77 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2
The Fight The Demand Wants/DesiresThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresThe Remedy:Host a partyDo what I want - and don't ask questions!Upset & irritatedRestRespect me - now!Upset & irritatedThe "want" plus a heart of humility and surrender.Questions to Consider: What was each of their wants? Were they, in and of themselves, wrong? At what point did it become a demand? What was the result of them demanding? What do you think was their motive, and what is the remedy?Now that we have looked at how conflict is formed, we are going to work together and see if we can map out the conflict from a provided scenario. Turn to page 43, and we will read through this together. Context: The husband wants to invite his extended family over for a big dinner at their house. He feels like they haven’t hosted in a long time and wants to reconnect with everyone. The wife, however, is exhausted from work and personal commitments and doesn’t want to deal with the stress of planning, cooking, and cleaning for a large group right now. The Argument: Husband: “I already told my mom we’d do it. It’s been months since we’ve seen them all. Can’t we just make it happen?” Wife: “You told her without asking me first? I’ve got deadlines next week, the house is a mess, and you know I’m burned out.” Husband (irritated): “I figured you’d be fine with it. It’s just one dinner. Why does everything have to be a big issue?” Wife (upset): “Because I’m not a robot, that’s why. You commit me to things without even checking if I have the energy. It’s unfair.” Husband: “Unfair? I bend over backwards when your friends come over. I just wanted one night with my family.” Wife: “It’s not about your family. It’s about you not respecting my time or asking first.”Homework: Turn to page 44. Based on our Couple Chat on what you learned about the creation of a conflict and the conflict that we worked through together, think of a recent argument that you had (that is no longer a hot topic) and try to map out the conflict. Mentor Tip: If the couple would want to read it as a script, that could give an extra layer of fun to the session. 78 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2 Couple Chat, Continued
James 4:1-3 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. In-Session Resource 79 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2Your Wants/Desires that are rooted in a heart that battles sin- James 4:1- 3Your Wants/Desires , which are rooted in a sinful heart, Become a Demand (You covet) James 4:2You are not given what you are demanding, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:2THE REMEDY: CHECK YOUR MOTIVES James 4:3 IN HUMILITY, SURRENDER YOUR DESIRES AND WANTS TO JESUS. “It’s not my will, but your will be done.” Luke 22:42 Galatians 2:20 Philippians 2:3-4
The Fight The Demand Wants/DesiresThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresThe Remedy:with Thankfulness and SurrenderContext: The husband wants to invite his extended family over for a big dinner at their house. He feels like they haven’t hosted in a long time and wants to reconnect with everyone. The wife, however, is exhausted from work and personal commitments and doesn’t want to deal with the stress of planning, cooking, and cleaning for a large group right now. The Argument: Husband: “I already told my mom we’d do it. It’s been months since we’ve seen them all. Can’t we just make it happen?” Wife: “You told her yes without asking me first? I’ve got deadlines next week, the house is a mess, and you know I’m burned out.” Husband (irritated): “I figured you’d be fine with it. It’s just one dinner. Why does everything have to be a big issue?” Wife (upset): “Because I’m not a robot, that’s why. You commit me to things without even checking to see if I have the energy. It’s unfair.” Husband: “Unfair? I bend over backwards when your friends come over. I just wanted one night with my family.” Wife: “It’s not about your family. It’s about you not respecting my time or asking first.” Mapping the Conflict In-Session Resource 80 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2
Homework 81 On page 45 is a conversation guide called the Process for Change. It is designed to help you discuss disagreements in a way that protects your relationship without getting to “the fight.” Rather than reacting in the moment, it guides you to prepare your heart, communicate a concern clearly, listen carefully, agree on a practical next step to move forward, and end the conversation with appreciation and hope. This week, take time to practice this process with your past argument above (again, a no-heat topic) or use a small issue like: Where to put keys or wallets The best place to put important mail How to spend one night without screens Be prepared to share how this process went at your next session. Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2The Fight The Demand Wants/DesiresThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresThe Remedy:with Humility, Thankfulness and Surrender Think through a recent argument that you had (that’s no longer a high-heat topic), and see if you can map out the conflict by identifying each of your wants and demands. What would it look like for Jesus to work on the want and demand as you strive to live out humility, thankfulness, and surrender? Write out some ideas under “The Remedy.” Our argument: _________________________________________________________
HomeworkPray Do the heart work before asking your partner for a time to meet.Why is this bothering you? Should it bother you? How is this behavior making you feel? If left unaddressed, what do you think this could lead to for your relationship?Request a time to TalkI want to talk about something that is concerning me. Please let me know when it’s a good time to talk. I will need 15 minutes.State Your ConcernWhen _____________ (describe the action), it bothers me because ________________ This makes me feel ________________________ If we don’t come to a decision we both agree on, I think this will lead to ______________________________ I need your help.Partner’s Response Without commenting, shame, or judgment, repeat what your partner sharedWhen ________________ happens, it bothers you because _____________________ This makes you feel ___________________ (choose a different word that shows understanding). If we don’t come to a decision we both agreen on, you think it will lead to _______________________ You want to work towards a solution. I want to work to a solution as well.State Your Desired Change Clearly state the behavior/action change you want to happen. It should be realistic and specific. Focus only on one issue.I would like you to ___________________________Partner’s Response Consider the request made by your partner“Can I make this change?” “Am I willing to?” “Do I have conditions or modifications to offer?”Agree on a Plan Include the adjustments offered to the agreement, state the agreement, and ask for confirmation. Restate if necessary with modifications, until both agree. Decide on a time to revisit & evaluate.We are agreeing to _________________. We will check in to see how things are going in ______________ (time specific)Express Appreciation & HopeThank you for listening and being willing to work towards an agreement. I am hopeful that this will help our relationship grow stronger. 82This process is adapted from Chapman, Gary. Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. Moody Publishers, 2010. The Process for Change Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2
Obstacle 1: Unresolved Past Hurts, 3.3a Obstacle 2: Pride and Self-centeredness, 3.3b Obstacle 3: Lack of Active Listening, 3.3c Obstacle 4: Unhealthy Resolution or View of Conflict, 3.3d Obstacle 5: Shame and Guilt, 3.3e Obstacle 6: Jealousy and Discontentment, 3.3f Session Notes: 83 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution Session Three - Facing the Obstacle 3.3 Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework - Mapping the Conflict & The Process for Change Couple Chat - Facing the Obstacle Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - 1 Thessalonians 5:14-21 Consider Asking: How was the mapping conflict process? Were you able to trace the process through a recent conflict that you had? Were you able to see a possible remedy to the conflict? What went well with the Process for Change dialogue? What was difficult with the dialogue? How could you use this in your rhythm as a couple? Couple Chat - Heavy Topics & Heavy Emotions Based on your assessment from a few meetings ago, we will examine each of the obstacles you identified as issues in your marriage. Don’t forget what we discussed two weeks ago: Conflict is inevitable (so we have to face it!) Conflict leads to a path of growth or destruction. We choose the path. With these two principles in mind, let’s take a look at the first obstacle that you identified as being an issue in your relationship Mentor Tip: Refer to the provided “Facing the Obstacle” sheets to help guide your conversation through the different challenges. These are not meant to be seen as a silver bullet or an oversimplification of the issue. These conversation guides are meant to support you with questions that welcome dialogue and Scripture to refer to during your time together. Relate where you can, encourage throughout, and pray for the Lord to bring healing and discernment as you seek the root of each issue and listen for the heart behind it.
Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify What do you feel is the path forward through this obstacle? Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to mature you and your relationship, and not allow our enemy to use it for destruction? Statements to Listen For From Either Spouse: “I have asked for forgiveness, but they are unwilling to forgive me, or they keep bringing it up again.” “I can’t forgive; the hurt is too deep” “I want to forgive but don’t know how” What the Heart Might Be Believing: Justice needs to be served “They haven’t earned my forgiveness.” “I want to continue to punish them for what they have done.” “I can’t control what they did to me, but I can control this.”The FightThe DemandWants/DesiresTo punish you for hurting me so you will be forever in debt to me and be sorry for what you have doneJustice (+sinful bend)Pulling away, silent treatment, reminding of mistakes, etc.The Remedy Obstacle 1: Unresolved Past Hurts I believe that one or both of us is carrying unresolved pain/hurt from a former experience that is keeping us from growing past the conflict. What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3a 84 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: In what ways do you feel like the lack of forgiveness is being seen in your marriage? What are you gaining by not being willing to forgive? What has the lack of forgiveness produced in your marriage? How does that make you feel? It sounds like you want justice for the way he treated you. What would justice look like? Can I share with you a passage from the Bible on this topic that I think could help bring clarity and even healing?
God’s Heart on this Topic: Read Together Colossians 3:12-14 “Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” “Bearing with one another” - Paul does not give us the idea that dealing with people is an easy thing to do. When you are tempted to pull away, he urges us to stay in it. “Forgiving each other” - what has to be put on before forgiveness can happen? We must choose to put on a compassionate heart, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Christ is our example of forgiveness. “As the Lord has forgiven you.” - God has not demanded justice from you for the ways that you have sinned against Him, and that is a fantastic gift. He sent Jesus to take that punishment for us, and justice was served. “You must forgive”- forgiveness is not an option (Matthew 6:14-15; 18:21-35; Ephesians 4:32) “Love binds everything together.” Think about the love that you have for a child or parent. Your love for them softens the rough edges of their mistakes. Your love for them keeps you close and binds you together. This is a love that is outlined in 1 Corinthians 13, and a love that we need God’s help to demonstrate through us. Practical Application What does it mean to forgive? Being willing to forgive is not forgetting or pretending like it never happened. Forgiveness is entrusting the offender (or the person) to God (1 Peter 2:2-3) to deal with righteously - in the right way and in the right time. Every time they come to your mind, you are choosing to give them, and the justice you think they deserve, to God, who knows all and sees all. You are taking yourself out of the courtroom of your mind and no longer holding them guilty. How can the truth from this passage move us forward on a path to forgiveness? In what ways can you start stepping toward forgiveness in your mind and your actions? What does it mean to ask for forgiveness? See the “Being Reconciled” handout (3.3a), participant notebook, page 46. How can we specifically pray for you as you walk to healing in this area?Obstacle 1: Unresolved Past Hurts, Continued 3.3a 85 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
Being Reconciled Seeking forgivingness and moving from hostility or hurt to peace and good standing.Using “I” statements... Admit what you did was hurtful and wrong (avoid saying “if I hurt you” - you did hurt them, which is why you are having this conversation). Empathize with the way your actions made them feel. Ask how you can make it right. Ask if they will forgive you. Admit Empathize Ask Hostility Peace 3.3a In-Session Handout 86 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
Obstacle #2 - Pride and Self-Centeredness One or both of us is prioritizing being right over peace and reconciliation, which is hindering us from seeking helpful solutions. Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to mature you and your relationship, and not allow our enemy to use it to divide you? Statements to Listen for: “They have always to be right.” “They will make sure they get what they want and not consider the family.” “They will not quit until they win the argument.” “They are not willing to compromise or see my perspective.” “I am not valued.” What the Heart Might Be Believing: I need to control the situation to ensure my outcome “I’m right” “I value my opinion and desires over my spouse” “I matter the most”The FightThe DemandWants/DesiresMy way is better and we will do things my wayControl (+ sinful bend)The RemedyDemeaning, anger, holds grudges What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3b 87 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: What do you believe prioritizing oneself over the needs of someone else will produce in a marriage? Opposite to that, what is being produced? Our actions come out of the beliefs in our hearts. What is the heart saying when someone treats their spouse as less important? (My needs are more important)
Obstacle #2 - Pride and Self-Centeredness One or both of us is prioritizing being right over peace and reconciliation, which is hindering us from seeking helpful solutions. Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to mature you and your relationship, and not allow our enemy to use it to divide you? Statements to Listen for: “They have always to be right.” “They will make sure they get what they want and not consider the family.” “They will not quit until they win the argument.” “They are not willing to compromise or see my perspective.” “I am not valued.” What the Heart Might Be Believing: I need to control the situation to ensure my outcome “I’m right” “I value my opinion and desires over my spouse” “I matter the most”The FightThe DemandWants/DesiresMy way is better and we will do things my wayControl (+ sinful bend)The RemedyDemeaning, anger, holds grudges What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3b 88 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: When you are communicating and you feel unheard, what is your heart believing about your spouse? When you are communicating and feel unheard, how do you respond? What would it look like for your spouse to listen to you (what would they be doing)? What have you unknowingly been communicating to your spouse when you have been distracted in listening? When your spouse is sharing with you what is on their mind, what is your mind doing?
Obstacle #2 - Pride and Self-Centeredness, Continued God’s Heart on this Topic - Read Philippians 2:3-5 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also [look] to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus 6 who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. “nothing” nothing is very exclusive language points to the impossibility of being able to do this, which points to our need for Jesus to act on our behalf through the power of the Holy Spirit. “humility” Paul defines what humility means - counting others more significant than yourself, and looking to your needs AND the needs of others “Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.” -C.S. Lewis “look to the interests of others” We naturally consider ourselves and see the situation from our perspective; we need to train to look at the situation from other points of view. This will be weird at first, but as you train your mind to do that, it will become easier. “mind ..which is yours in Christ Jesus” Not something that we naturally have Given to us by Christ, who illustrated humility beautifully in the following verses “though he was in the form of God...did not count equality a thing to be grasped...” Jesus is rightfully the most important - he was in the form of GOD - but never on earth demanded that He be treated as such. He constantly valued others and was obedient to the Father and what He wanted from Him, to the point of death. Practical Application Based on this passage, what do you think is the remedy? As followers of Jesus, we are being conformed to His image, which means we are slowly dying to what we want and to our need for control. Why is this process so hard? How are you stepping toward humility and “considering your spouse” above yourself in your mind and your actions? What is one practical way you can consider your spouse above yourself this week? How can we specifically pray for you as you walk to healing in this area? 3.3b 89 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
Obstacle #3: Lack of Active Listening One or both of us is not listening well, resulting in misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to grow you closer together? Statements to listen for: “I repeat myself over and over, and they have no idea what I said.” “I feel like I try to be honest, but I don’t think they care even to hear me.” “I don’t feel like what I say matters” “When my spouse brings up something, I feel completely unprepared.” What the Heart Might Be Believing: I am prioritizing myself. “What I think about this is more important than what you are saying.” “The way I am listening is comfortable for me and is good enough.”I am more concerned about what concerns me than what concerns youSelf-interest (+ sinful bend)Disinterested, ignoringThe RemedyThe FightThe DemandWants/Desires What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3c 90 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: When you are communicating and you feel unheard, what is your heart believing about your spouse? When you are communicating and feel unheard, how do you respond? What would it look like for your spouse to listen to you (what would they be doing)? What have you unknowingly been communicating to your spouse when you have been distracted in listening? When your spouse is sharing with you what is on their mind, what is your mind doing?
Obstacle #3: Lack of Active Listening, Continued God’s Heart on this Topic: Read the following passages Proverbs 1:5 - “Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance” The purpose of hearing is to learn (not answer) Proverbs 18:13 - “If anyone answers before he hears, it is his folly and shame” You need to hear first before you answer. Galatians 6:2 - “Bear one another’s burdens” You can’t bear a burden unless you know what it is - this requires good listening! Practical Application If you had to grade yourself on your listening just to hear and understand, what would your grade be? What has your goal been while in a conversation with your spouse? To learn or to answer? Why do you think it is so difficult to not come up with a response in our head while trying to listen? What are distractions/obstacles that keep you from good listening? How can you remove those distractions? Distracted by technology-turn it off or put it on the other side of the room Not the right time - decide on a good time to talk and catch up What is the best time of day for your spouse to bring up a topic that needs to be addressed? How do you think the Speaker/Listener dialogue that you learned could help with this obstacle? How can we specifically pray for you as you walk to healing in this area? 3.3c 91 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
Obstacle 4: Unhealthy View of Conflict One or both of us is not dealing with conflict in a healthy way, or would prefer to ignore it altogether. Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to make you stronger as a couple? Statements to Listen For: “If it won’t matter in a year, I don’t want to bring it up.” “Conflict makes me nervous or uncomfortable.” “Conflict is a negative thing and produces negative outcomes.” “If I bring it up, he/she will just get upset, and it’s not worth it.” What the Heart Might Be Believing: My comfort is more important than our growth God is not able to work in them or me through this so that I won’t enter that conversation Peace, even if it is a false peace, is better than having conflict I’m good enough. Conflict is not needed to make me a better spouse/friend/discipleThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresI prefer my comfort over our growth. So I demand peace, even if it‘s a fake peace, so I don’t have to change.Self-protection(+sinful bend)Passive aggressive, avoidance The Remedy What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3d 92 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: Where are you on the conflict scale - 1 (avoid it at all costs) or 10 (bring it on!) What is your typical pattern when going through conflict (fight, flight, freeze)? How was conflict handled in your home growing up? What did that teach you? Describe a time when conflict was handled well in your marriage. Describe a time when it was not handled well. What was the difference? When conflict resolution is done well, what is the outcome? What keeps you from engaging in conversations that may be hard to have?
Obstacle 4: Unhealthy View of Conflict, Continued God’s Heart on This Topic: Read 2 Corinthians 7:8-10 Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— 9 yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended, and so were not harmed in any way by us. 10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. “your sorrow led you to repentance” -Even though sorrow is present, it leads to good change, which produces good things in our lives. “as God intended” -This is how God has ordered his disciples to be refined and to grow in godliness and good works (and relationships!)- through sorrow that leads to repentance. “Godly sorrow brings... no regret” -This is an outcome that we all want, and it can happen through the appropriate channel of sorrow that leads to us turning away from our actions, and being rescued and put on another path to salvation. Practical Application Based on this passage, what do you think God wants us to know when we keep ourselves from conflict? If we are so self-protective from conflict, we are keeping ourselves from the gift of growing that comes from struggle or sorrow. It’s a mindset shift that God is inviting us to take with His help. In what ways can you start stepping toward welcoming temporary sorrow, knowing it can produce good things and a lack of regret? Our temperament type has a heavy influence on how we fight, or IF we fight. Based on what you learned during our first topic, Growing Together, what is your natural view on conflict? How do you tend to deal with it? When you or your spouse needs to have a challenging conversation, what is a good way to initiate that? How do you think reminding yourself of the benefit of hard conversations, before they begin, can keep your mind and heart from running from them? How can we specifically pray for you as you walk to healing in this area? 3.3d 93 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
Obstacle # 5: Guilt or Shame I believe that one or both of us is holding on to past mistakes, which is preventing us from being able to move forward. Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to mature you and your relationship, and not allow our enemy to use it for destruction? Statements to Listen For: “I have a hard time forgiving myself for what I have done” “I know God says He can use things for our good, but not this.” “When I start to make progress, I remember my past and slide back into complacency.” “I feel like I can’t do enough to make up for what I have done, so why try?” What the Heart Might Be Believing: God is not powerful enough to restore what I have done. I am more powerful than God, and Jesus’ sacrifice is not enough. My sin is more powerful than the work that Jesus did on the cross. My mistakes will forever define me.The FightThe DemandWants/DesiresI demand to hold onto my sin and minimize the work of Jesus on the cross.Self-focus (+sinful bend)Frustration, anger, separation The Remedy What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3e 94 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: How have your past mistakes kept you from moving forward? What are you believing about yourself, and would God agree? What do you feel like you would need to do to be forgiven by God? Is that consistent with what the Bible teaches? How do you feel guilt and shame are contributing to your life? Are they helpful or harmful?
Obstacle # 5: Guilt or Shame, Continued God’s Heart on This Topic: Read the following passages Psalm 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. “removed our transgressions” Consider demonstrating what removing something looks like to give a visual. John 8:7-11 - When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” “Neither do I condemn you” Our sin doesn’t scare Jesus away. “Go now and leave your life of sin” -This doesn’t just include the actions they were doing, but the lies she was believing. Your belief determines your action. Practical Application Based on the passages that we read, If Jesus was sitting next to us, what do you think He would say to you? Where is the disconnect between knowing that God forgives us, but refusing to forgive ourselves? What ways is this hurting your relationship with your spouse and the Lord? Is this His heart for you? The challenge that we need to push in to is to take God at His Word. If we feel condemnation in your past sin, it’s not the voice of the Lord. Our enemy wants to continue to use our sin and continue the path of destruction and the mental bondage that it has over you. In what ways can you start stepping toward being released of guilt and shame? How can we specifically pray for you as you walk to healing in this area? 95 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle 3.3e
The FightThe DemandWants/DesiresI am not getting what I want. and you should work hard to give me what I want.Expectations (+sinful bend)Frustration, anger, separation, bitterness out-of-control spendingThe Remedy Obstacle # 6: Discontentment or Jealousy I believe that one or both of us is carrying an attitude of discontentment and/or jealousy that makes it difficult to operate as one. Opening the Conversation: Describe how this obstacle has affected your relationship. Ask the other spouse if they agree Ask questions to clarify Are you willing to take steps to face this obstacle so God can use this to mature you and your relationship, and not allow our enemy to use it for destruction? Statements to Listen For: “This is not the life that I was expecting to have“ “My spouse is happy with work/family, and I am not.” “I am having a hard time accepting my life.” What the Heart Might Be Believing: God is not giving me what I deserve My spouse doesn’t care about me, or else they would care more about my happiness. What the conflictWhat the conflict might look like:might look like: What the conflict might look like: 3.3f 96 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle Questions to Consider: In what ways are your expectations and your reality similar, and in what ways are they different? If you could change things to make them look how you expect them to, what would you do? In what ways have you come to accept that your reality is different than what you expected? In what areas are you still struggling with this? How do these non-compatible expectations (what is vs what you would like) keep you from being one in your marriage?
Obstacle # 6: Discontentment or Jealousy, Continued God’s Heart on this Topic: Read Philippians 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. “I know what it is...” You are not the only person who has ever struggled with this “I have learned the secret of being content.” This is not something that humans do well naturally Contentment is learned, often by seeing how it steals, kills, and destroys, and refusing to let our enemy continue to “take the hill” in our life “I can do all things (I can be content) through him who gives me strength” Contentment in your circumstances is possible through the Lord’s strength Practical Questions: What does it mean, “through the Lord's strength? How can we operate in this situation through the Lord’s strength? Are there any limits to the Lord's strength? Discontentment is a weapon used heavily by our enemy, whose goal is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). In what ways do you see that this discontentment is causing harm in your life? 3.3f 97 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
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99 Topic Overview Encourages couples to approach finances through biblical stewardship, contentment, and shared responsibility. Couples discuss spending, saving, giving, and financial priorities while working toward greater unity and shared goals. Session Goals Help the couple... Understand God's perspective on money and stewardship. Recognize how their beliefs about money shape their decisions. Grow in contentment, gratitude, and trust. Develop a shared approach to spending, saving, giving, and planning. Make financial decisions that honor God and strengthen their marriage. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Everything we have belongs to God, and we are called to manage it well. Contentment and gratitude protect our hearts from the love of money. Healthy financial conversations begin with shared trust in God. Planning is wise, but our confidence is in the Lord, not our plans. Financial unity grows as we seek God's wisdom together. Topic Four: Money
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Session Notes: Couple Chat What surprised you about your results? Where do your money habits work well together? Where do they create tension? What are your financial strengths as a couple? What are areas where you need more balance or growth? What is one money habit you will intentionally practice together? What is one financial conversation you will revisit? 101 Topic Four: Money Session One - Do I Love Money? Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Couple Chat - Money Habitude Cards; How Content is My Heart? Homework - With Thanksgiving Exercise 4.1 Scripture Focus & Prayer - Hebrews 13:5-6 We are starting a new section on Money. Turn to page 9 & 14 in your workbook and revisit your individual values and rating regarding money and mark that in your workbook on page 52. Consider Asking: Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What are some strengths that you have in this area? What are some growth areas that you have in this area? How are your values similar? In what ways, if any, could your values be at odds with one another? Mentor Tip: If you are using Habitude Cards, direct your couple to page 50 in their notebook. Instructions on using the Habitude cards for you are on the following page. Depending on how long it takes to do the Habitude Card exercise, please bump the rest of the session to the following meeting time. The reflection questions in their notebook from this exercise could be assigned as homework. If you are not using the cards, continue to page 99-Couple Chat, Continued. We are going to learn how we view money using a tool called Money Habitude cards. These cards are a fun way to discover your money personality and how it affects the way you spend, save, and talk about money. There are no right or wrong answers; it just gives interesting insights. As you sort the cards, go with your first gut response. Complete the Money Habitude Card Exercise. Once your couple completes the Habitude Cards, walk them through reflection questions (also included in their workbook):
When we talk about money, we aren’t just focusing on the actual dollar. Money reveals habits, feelings, and values that shape our choices without us even realizing it. Knowing your habits around money helps you understand the ‘why’ behind your choices and recognize patterns. When you understand each other’s natural money tendencies, it can help reduce conflict. You realize it’s not that your spouse is necessarily right or wrong; they just see money differently. How to use the MoneyHabitude cards: Each couple gets their own deck of cards. Place the three blue cards at the top. Go through the deck, one at a time, and place each statement card under the blue card that applies to them the most - don’t overthink it! Once all the cards are sorted, count how many cards are in each pile. Remove and set aside all of the cards, except for the “That’s Me!” pile Sort each of those cards by category type, and the one with the most is your dominant money habitude. Record their results in their workbook on page 50 (1-most dominant habit; 6-least dominant habit). Encourage your couple to find their habit card and identify an action step they can apply. Need a visual reminder on how to use the cards? Watch a short video by scanning the QR Code. For more information on Moneyhabitudes, visit https://www.moneyhabitudes.com/ 102 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Couple Chat, Continued Our view on money is very important to know because the way we view money tells a lot about us and what we value, and it can also alert us to potential idols. For example, if someone values money for the security it provides, security might be an idol that they struggle with. Because our view of money tells us a lot about ourselves and what we value, it is important to God, and He reveals a great deal about it in the Bible. We are told from the passage that we looked at today that loving money is something we are to avoid. So we are going to continue by asking, “Do I Love Money?” If the writer of Hebrews were in this room and we asked him how to know if we loved money, he would answer that question by asking, “How content is your heart?” This is a difficult question, but we are going to sit with it for a little bit, ask questions, and see what the Lord might show us. In your notebook on page 51 is a brief assessment that will help evaluate the contentment of your heart. When you read the scenarios, pay attention to where your mind and heart go first. Be honest with your first gut reaction. After they take the assessment, resume here to finish the lesson. Ask: How do you feel about the results of the assessment? If there is a pulling towards discontentment (or bitterly wanting), when you compare what you have with what others have, you are likely battling against a heart that loves money. 103 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1 Mentor Tip: If your couple does not struggle in the area of contentment, praise God, and ask the following questions: Did this used to be a struggle for you all? If so, how did God work in your life so that you learned to have a contented heart? Can you see this lived out in those around you? What are guardrails you can put in your life to keep on this path of contentment? If your couple struggles in the area of contentment, press in, pray for wisdom, and listen for the heart behind what they are saying as you continue your conversation. Ask: What is the connection between discontentment and loving money? Operating out of comparison and always falling short because your heart wants what money gives. You are not content with God alone; you find contentment with what God gives you (there is a danger of loving the gifts over the Giver). What do you think is dangerous about giving space in our heart to love money? If we give space in our heart to loving money, we are pushing God and His truth away and replacing it with lies.
What do you think your heart is being tempted to believe about God? God is doing a bad job of taking care of me. I can’t trust God to take care of me. I can do a better job than God Read Philippians 4:6 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18 together and make observations. Is it wrong to make requests to God? What needs to be present in our lives when we make requests? What does a thankful heart reveal about our belief in God? Possible answer: That we believe that God is a good and trustworthy King, even when things are hard.104 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1Homework: We can never thank God enough, so we are going to do that for homework. On page 52 in your workbook, there is a table. You will list in the left column key things in your life. Next to it, evaluate if you are settled or unsettled in this area. Settled would mean that you are great with where things are in your life, and unsettled would mean that you are hoping something would be different. Nevertheless, if you are settled or unsettled, write something you are thankful for regarding each one. Share with your spouse and be prepared to share during our next session.
If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Money, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Money (sharing similar philosophies, agreement on goals, planning, and budgeting), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 105 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Habitude Security Planning Status Giving Carefree Spontaneous In-Session Worksheet Reflection What surprised you about your results? Where do your money habits work well together? Where do they create tension? Strengths & Growth What are our financial strengths as a couple? What are areas where we need more balance or growth? Moving Forward What is one money habit you will intentionally practice together? What is one financial conversation we will revisit? Habitude Result Based on your results, record your rating for each category, 1 (most dominant) - 6 (least dominant). My Notes from the Exercise: 106 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
When you.... Your Heart Says... 1=That’s so great for them! 5=Why Can’t That Happen to Me? Hear that your neighbor, who is younger than you, is going to purchase a newer vehicle because of her end-of-the-year bonus 1 2 3 4 5 Get asked by your best friend to watch her dog because she and her family are going on a dream trip 1 2 3 4 5 Go shopping and see someone come out of an expensive store with bags on their arm 1 2 3 4 5 Meet your buddy for golf, and they show off their brand new driver 1 2 3 4 5 How Content is My Heart? Think honestly about your first gut reaction when you hear the following scenarios: If there is a pulling towards discontentment (or bitterly wanting), when you compare what you have with what others have, you are likely battling against a heart that loves money. In-Session Worksheet 107 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Share your answers with your spouse and be prepared to share at your next session. HomeworkList key things in your life (family, possessions, job, relationships, church, hobbies)Settled Put a check mark if things may not be exactly how you want them, but you're feeling at peace and content with where you are. If something better comes along, great — but you're genuinely okay if nothing changes.Put a check mark if you are somewhere in betweenUnsettled Put a check mark if things are not going the way you want, and you notice that this is affecting your mood, relationships, or decisions, as you're constantly looking for something better.With Thanksgiving Things don’t have to be 100% the way we want them to be in order to be thankful. List at least one thing that you can be thankful for regarding this specific topic, despite the obstacles or challenges that it brings.Maybe Settled or Unsettled....but THANKFUL. Philippians 4:6 108 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Session Notes: Couple Chat Consider Asking: How did this exercise go for you? How was viewing each of these things through a thankful lens helpful in checking your perspective? 109 Topic Four: Money Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Purposes & Dangers of Money Homework - Philosophy Check 4.2 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Matthew 6:21 For homework, you listed all of the things that “belong to you” (we use this phrase loosely) and then wrote something you are thankful for next to each one. Today, we are looking at three Purposes of Money and the Dangers of Loving Money. In today’s session, we will be on page 53, and we will work through this page together. We’ll examine three purposes of money and two dangers of money. But before we begin, we need to ask an important question: “Whose money is it?”
Mentor Tip: If anything is underlined, it is a blank in their participant notebook. If it’s our money, then we decide its purpose and determine the dangers. However, if it’s not our money, if it belongs to someone else, then that changes the conversation. Let’s look at three passages of Scripture together: Read and write a brief summary in your notebook: Deuteronomy 10:14: To the Lord belongs all heaven and earth Psalm 24:1: The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it. 1 Timothy 6:7: When we are born, we come with nothing, and when we die, we leave behind what we have worked our whole lives to get - it’s not ours (1 Timothy 6:7). It can be lost in a day - it’s not ours. We are not owners; we are stewards. A steward is someone who manages or looks after someone’s property. God is the owner of all we have; he establishes its purposes and dangers. We are to manage well what He gives us. Three Purposes of Money Purpose #1: Money is used to provide what we need (Proverbs 6:6-8) Money is a means for God’s provision. Just as an ant works to meet its needs, the diligent actions of man are also meant to meet his needs. The refusal to work to provide for one’s own needs results in many unflattering adjectives being used to describe them (sluggard, idle, foolish). Purpose #2-Money is used to provide for the needs of others (Proverbs 11:24-25, Psalm 112:5, Luke 3:11) Throughout the books of Proverbs and Psalms, we see that giving to those in need is an act that brings joy to God’s heart. Jesus continues this theme in the Gospel of Luke, teaching us to give rather than endlessly store up possessions. He reveals the foolishness of building bigger barns and placing great value on things we can never take with us. Purpose #3: Money is used to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31) Whether we spend it, share it, or save it, money is to be used to glorify God. How do you glorify God with your money? Put on His mind and act accordingly.110 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2
The Dangers of Money (Proverbs 30:7-9; 1 Timothy 6:10) It’s interesting to note that Jesus teaches more about money than any other topic. So, it’s obviously important, and there's something about the control that money can have over us if unchecked and overvalued. In 1 Timothy 6:10, we are warned that the love of money, or the excessive focus on money and the things it provides, can lead to many harmful choices and even impact one’s faith. Why is that? Danger #1: Money Feeds Our Pride When someone is successful, self-made, or from “the school of hard knocks” and succeeds, there are lies that can be so loud and believable to the heart of a person: “I can do this on my own.” “I can provide for my needs.” If someone believes this, it is easy to see how 1 Timothy 6:10 can play out. There is a strong shift away from trusting and depending on God to trusting and depending on oneself. Danger #2: Money Becomes an Enslaving Master In Matthew 6:34, Jesus calls money a master. It has control; it dictates your actions, goals, and purpose. And it can never be satisfied. The line of true success is constantly shifting, keeping someone pursuing something that can never be caught. Solomon describes this in Ecclesiastes 5:10, highlighting the danger of expecting money to provide something it can never truly offer. It calls this pursuit meaningless, like chasing after the wind. Have you seen people get caught in the enslaving power of money, wanting more, and not being satisfied? 111 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2Homework: We all have philosophies on spending, giving, and saving, and with a different perspective on whose money it is and on the purposes and dangers of money, we can hopefully align ourselves with God’s perspective on these three important mindsets. Work through the sheet together on page 54 and be prepared to share at the next session.
Purposes of Money and the Dangers of Loving Money Whose money is it? Before we begin, we must ask this question. If it’s our money, then we can decide its purpose and determine the dangers. However, if it’s not ours, then that completely changes the conversation. How does the Bible Answer This Question? Deuteronomy 10:14: _________________________________________________________________________________ Psalm 24:1: ___________________________________________________________________________________________ 1 Timothy 6:7: _________________________________________________________________________________________ The Answer: We are not __________________________, we are _________________________. PURPOSES OF MONEY #1: Money is used to __________________________ what we need (Proverbs 6:6-8) #2: Money is used to provide for the ________________________ of others (Proverbs 11:24-25, Psalm 112:5, Luke 3:11) #3: Money is used to __________________________ God (1 Corinthians 10:31) DANGERS OF MONEY #1: Money _____________________________ our _____________________________ #2: Money _______________________ an enslaving __________________________Manages or looks after someone’s property. In-Session Worksheet 112 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2
Old Philosophy Spending: Saving : Giving: New Philosophy Spending: Saving : Giving: Homework Look at these money habits through God’s lens, knowing that we are stewards who are entrusted to manage and look after His things that have been placed in our care. With your spouse, fill out the chart below while answering the questions: 1.Describe your philosophy on spending, saving, and giving before meeting with your Care Couple. 2.After meeting with your Care Couple and examining God’s Word, is there an adjustment to your philosophy that should take place regarding these money habits? Be prepared to share at your next session. 113 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2
Session Notes: Couple Chat 114 Topic Four: Money Session Three - If God Wills It Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Planning & Trusting Homework - Financial Goals & Tasks 4.3 Consider Asking: How did that change your perspective on how you spend, save, and give? Did your conversations change how you think about money moving forward? Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - James 4:13-15 For homework, you looked at your philosophies of money habits through the lens of stewarding what God owns. Before we move forward to planning and budgeting, we will address one more biblical concept, and this comes from the passage that we read when we started today, in James 4:13-15. You will see this verse at the top of your workbook on page 55.
115 Topic Four: Money | Session Three - If God Wills It 4.3 Couple Chat, Cont. What does this passage teach us about planning for the future? It is not telling us that planning is a bad thing, but we need to hold our plans with an open hand. We make plans, but we should understand that God might disagree with them and may change them. And this willingness to keep our hands open comes from a heart of trust (Proverbs 16:9). But trust can be scary. Why is trust scary? Trust can be scary because we like to have control. We want to be behind the “steering wheel” of our life, but we have a considerable disadvantage in that we don’t know what is coming around the corner. This uncertainty can cause us to hold even tighter to the wheel and demand that things go a certain way, but this verse is reminding us that God CAN see the road ahead, and we need to loosen our grip and trust Him to take us forward. Consider Asking: How easily does this concept of trust or having an open-hand policy with the Lord come to you? How do you think we can loosen our grip as we grow in trusting the Lord? Say: One way to help loosen our grip is to take a few minutes to remember. In the Old Testament, the Israelites built memorials of twelve stones on several occasions (Exodus 24; Joshua 4; 1 Kings 18), representing the twelve tribes of Israel. These memorials were placed where God had powerfully intervened on their behalf. They served as reminders, in both good and difficult times, that God is trustworthy, a faithful shepherd who works for His glory and their ultimate good. Say: Together, spend some time thinking back to times in your life, specifically in your marriage, when God intervened on your behalf and write those in your workbook. Mentor Tip: If they get stuck, have them start with the time they entrusted God with the most important thing ever - their soul. Feel free to share a personal story to help get them thinking and as a way to connect with them too. The heart of all of this is to say, you cared for me before; you will care for me again. So, I will make my plans and let you establish my steps.Homework For homework, you are going to complete a planning and budgeting sheet on page 56. This is not intended to be an in-depth, all-inclusive look at everything regarding money, but rather to encourage you to plan together for the days ahead with a heart of trust in the Lord. Mentor Tip: Additional information on each of the budgeting options mentioned on their budgeting sheet is located on page 180-183.
In-Session Worksheet James 4:13-15 13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” What does this passage teach us about planning for the future? Remember... “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9 116 Topic Four: Money | Session Three - If God Wills It 4.3
What are your financial goals for.... We have the structure in place (budget, game plan, same mindset) to help make these goals a reality. If you answered yes... great! If you answered no... continue below! Budgeting & Planning Task List Do you know of a couple who seem to be doing this part of their marriage well? If you do, ask to have coffee with them so you can hear how they started and what they have learned along the way. Our due date for this task: ____________. Do you have a budget that you follow and works for both of you? If you don’t, look on pages 57-59to see three popular budgeting options (zero-based, envelope budget, 50/30/20). Our due date for this task: _____________ Do you currently have a way to track your spending? If not, a simple budgeting worksheet is provided on page 60 to help you get started. If you prefer a digital option, consider using a budgeting app that allows you to track your spending in real time. Our due date for this task: _____________ Do you have a financial planner who can help you establish some long-term goals and good saving habits? If you don’t, schedule an appointment for a consultation. Our due date for this task: _____________ HomeworkYearYearYear 117 Topic Four: Money | Session Three - If God Wills It 4.3
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119 Topic Overview Explores God’s design for sexual intimacy within marriage and the importance of trust, communication, and mutual care. Couples are encouraged to talk honestly about intimacy, navigate differences with grace, and strengthen their emotional and physical connection. Session Goals Help the couple... See God's design and purpose for sexual intimacy. Build trust through honest, respectful conversations. Understand the biblical boundaries that protect intimacy. Work through frustrations and unmet expectations with grace. Strengthen both their emotional and physical connection. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Sexual intimacy is a gift from God, meant to strengthen a husband and wife. Healthy intimacy grows through love, trust, and open communication. God's design and boundaries protect, rather than limit, intimacy. Frustrations and unmet expectations are best worked through together, not ignored. A healthy sexual relationship is built over time through intentional love, mutual care, and growing closer to one another. Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy
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121 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Three Purposes Homework - Let’s Talk About It! 5.1 Session Notes: Consider Asking: Were you able to say that you had a plan in place? If not, what research did you do, and what action steps did you put in place to get you started? Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Isaiah 45:18-19 For homework, you reviewed your 1-, 5-, and 10-year goals, and then you were asked whether you had a plan/budget/mindset to achieve them. The rest of your homework was based on your answer. Couple Chat We are starting a new section on Sexual Intimacy. Turn to pages 9 & 14 in your workbook and revisit your individual values and rating regarding money, and mark that in your workbook on page 63. Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What are some strengths that you have in this area? What are some growth areas that you have in this area? How are your values similar? In what ways, if any, could your values be at odds with one another? As we did with the topics before, we are going to start our conversation with God’s purpose, and then we will look at obstacles that we could encounter as we strive to merge our will with God's. In our passage, we read that to begin our session, God is a God of purpose. He didn’t establish the world out of a reaction; He established it out of perfect and strategic planning, and He declares the purpose of His creation. And that means sex has a purpose. Turn to page 63 in your notebook, and we will start looking at God’s Purpose of Sexual Intimacy together.
Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex Couple Chat, Cont. 122 5.1 Consider Asking: Have you considered these three purposes of sex to be gifts from the Lord? What is the danger of overvaluing one gift? If creation is overvalued, intimacy can feel transactional or pressured, reducing sex to an outcome rather than a shared gift. If connection is overvalued without the others, intimacy can become emotionally dependent or disconnected from the physical and covenantal context God intended. If pleasure is overvalued, intimacy can become self-focused, turning the other person into a means to satisfaction rather than a partner to love. When one gift is elevated above the others, balance is lost. God’s design holds creation, pleasure, and connection together so that sexual intimacy reflects mutual love, self- giving, and unity rather than control, entitlement, or need.God’s Three Purposes for Sexual Intimacy: Procreation Connection Pleasure Procreation - Genesis 1:28 The Biblical way to say this is found in the very first chapter of the Bible in Genesis 1:28: “to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” Sex is the method for continuing the human species that bears God’s image. Pretty practical and purposeful. Connection - Genesis 2:24 We also see that God’s design for Adam and Eve and their sexual intimacy is connection. The two were to become one in every way - physically, emotionally, and chemically. Science backs up this reality as neurochemicals (mainly hormones and neurotransmitters) are very active when two people are together during a sexual interaction and serve as bonding agents. This means that sex is like super glue that keeps two people connected throughout the marriage. Ask: Think about the story of your marriage. Is there a correlation between your connectedness as a couple and your level of sexual intimacy? There is often a link between the two.Pleasure - Proverbs 5:18-19 If the Bible ever seems quiet on the pleasures of sex, just keep reading. In Proverbs 5:18-19, we read about a man being satisfied with the body of his wife and being intoxicated by her love. These words proclaim to all that sex was designed by God to bring pleasure. Once again, consider the human body and how God designed certain areas just for sexual pleasure. This is the only relationship where this is to be freely enjoyed.
Homework For homework, you are going to talk about sexual intimacy with your spouse with some provided prompts. Before we do, why do you think it’s important to talk about sex in your marriage? In your workbook on page 66, you will see your In-Session Resource and homework assignment on the same page. The top part of that page has some pretty compelling reasons why talking about sex with your spouse is really important. We will look at these briefly. 1. Sexual Communication Predicts Relationship Satisfaction A study by two researchers found that sexual communication, or how openly couples discuss their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries, is a strong predictor of overall marital satisfaction, above and beyond other types of intimacy.1 2. Communication Is a Key Factor of Increased Intimacy In a study completed with 50 couples, researchers found that open sexual communication consistently correlates with higher sexual satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and the long- term well-being of their relationship 2Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex3. Communication Reduces Conflict & Builds Trust Another study shows that couples who have nonjudgmental and open sexual discussions have lower conflict, more trust, and a stronger emotional connection, translating into stronger relationships overall.3 Bottom line: If you can talk openly about sex, it most likely means you have a more satisfying sex life and can speak about other areas in your marriage more openly too. Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Sexual communication as a predictor of relationship satisfaction within married individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(6), 753– 774. 1 Hurlbert, D. F., Apt, C., & Gasarowski, S. (2013). Communication, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction: A quantitative integration. Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 21(1), 10–17. 2 Wright, R. S., & McCabe, M. P. (2020). Open sexual dialogue and marital resilience: Clinical case studies. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 295–308.3 Your homework assignment is to talk about your sexual relationship by working through the bottom half of the page. Unlike with different assignments, you won’t share all of the details in our next session; those are private to you. We will, however, ask if you completed the assignment. Remember: Sharing with vulnerability and authenticity will produce vulnerability and authenticity, which leads to productive conversations and clearer paths forward. To transition to the homework section of the session, ask: How comfortable are you both talking about your expectations, needs, and desires in your sexual relationship? How often do you talk about sex? 123 5.1
If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and rewrite them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the list of values provided, or write your own. Regarding Sexual Intimacy, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting StartedLook back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Sexual Intimacy (the ability to discuss sexual issues and expectations), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 124 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
1. __________________________________ - Genesis 1:28 2. __________________________________ - Genesis 2:24 3. __________________________________ - Proverbs 5:18-19 _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ In-Session Worksheet God’s Good Purposes for Sexual Intimacy: What is the danger of overvaluing one gift over the others? 125 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
Let’s Talk About It! Why Talk About Sexual Intimacy? 1. Sexual Communication Predicts Relationship Satisfaction A study by two researchers found that sexual communication—how openly couples discuss their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries—is a strong predictor of overall marital satisfaction, above and beyond other types of intimacy.1 2. Communication Is a Key Factor of Increased Intimacy & Satisfaction In a study completed with 50 couples, researchers found that open sexual communication consistently correlates with higher sexual satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and the long-term well-being of their relationship. 2 3. Communication Reduces Conflict & Builds Trust Another study shows that couples who have nonjudgmental and open sexual discussions have lower conflict, more trust, and a stronger emotional connection, translating into stronger relationships overall.3 If you can talk openly about sex, it most likely means you have a satisfying sex life and can speak about other areas in your marriage more openly too. Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Sexual communication as a predictor of relationship satisfaction within married individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(6), 753–774. 1 Hurlbert, D. F., Apt, C., & Gasarowski, S. (2013). Communication, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction: A quantitative integration. Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 21(1), 10–17. 2 Wright, R. S., & McCabe, M. P. (2020). Open sexual dialogue and marital resilience: Clinical case studies. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 295–308.3Affection & Non-Sexual Touch (holding hands, hugging, cuddling) When do you feel most loved physically? What types of non-sexual touch help you feel close? Romance & Emotional Connection Favorite ways to date or be pursued. Gestures that make you feel wanted or attractive. Times you’ve felt emotionally closest to each other. Frequency & Rhythm Preferred frequency (write down a number and share it). How to handle your number discrepancy without hurt. Signals or cues that you give to express interest.Homework: Starting the Conversation 1.Establish Rules - No judgment. Just curiosity. 2.A “pass” can be a legit answer as you get started. You decide how many you each get. 3.Keep the conversation light-hearted, playful, and fun. 4.Consider the following categories: In-Session & Homework 126 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
127 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Guardrails Homework - The Foundation for Marriage 5.2 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - I Corinthians 7:3-5 As promised, we will not be asking any details about the conversation you were assigned for homework. Did you complete the assignment? Was it harder or easier to talk about sexual intimacy than you thought it would be? We know that God designed both marriage and sex. From start to finish, it is His idea. Therefore, He has the ultimate authority for the purpose, and He establishes the blueprints, which we are calling the Guardrails and Foundations of Sexual Intimacy. These tell us what is helpful, good, pure, and true in this sacred covenant relationship. Turn to page 66 in your workbook, and together we will look at The Guardrails and Foundations of Sexual Intimacy. God provides us with two guardrails for sexual intimacy within a marriage relationship in Scripture and the foundation on which this relationship should be built. We will read these passages, make observations from the text, and then apply them to our relationships as well. Mentor Tip: Once you go through the In-Session worksheet, return here to assign homework. Homework Together, on page 67, you are going to read two passages that deal with the foundation of a marriage relationship - love, respect, and mutual care. Our world is often in opposition to how God designed a marriage relationship to work, and they try to redefine what they think the foundation should be. Your assignment will be to read through two passages of Scripture and then write the world’s view and God’s view on these foundational elements. We will talk about it at our next session. Session Notes: Couple Chat
Guardrail #1 Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, except for an agreed-upon time, and to reconnect with God through prayer. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) Guardrail #2 Do not defile the marriage bed. God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterer. (Hebrews 13:4) Read the Passage & Make Observations:Read the Passage & Make Observations: Being sexually intimate with your spouseBeing sexually intimate with your spouse is expected and a safeguard againstis expected and a safeguard against temptation.temptation. There can be an overvalue of sex, whichThere can be an overvalue of sex, which can create an unhealthy balance. Timecan create an unhealthy balance. Time with the Lord in intentional prayer towith the Lord in intentional prayer to reconnect and regain that balance isreconnect and regain that balance is needed and wise.needed and wise. If this is “agreed-upon,” then one personIf this is “agreed-upon,” then one person does not dominate the other. Mutualdoes not dominate the other. Mutual submission and care is assumed. Onesubmission and care is assumed. One person having control over anotherperson having control over another person in a sexual relationship is notperson in a sexual relationship is not God’s design.God’s design. Read the Passage & Make Observations: Being sexually intimate with your spouse is expected and a safeguard against temptation. There can be an overvalue of sex, which can create an unhealthy balance. Time with the Lord in intentional prayer to reconnect and regain that balance is needed and wise. If this is “agreed-upon,” then one person does not dominate the other. Mutual submission and care is assumed. One person having control over another person in a sexual relationship is not God’s design. Read the Passage & Make Observations:Read the Passage & Make Observations: A couple should not “pollute” theA couple should not “pollute” the marriage bed by allowing things tomarriage bed by allowing things to enter that honorable and sacred spaceenter that honorable and sacred space (pornography, additional partners,(pornography, additional partners, anything that brings dishonor to one oranything that brings dishonor to one or both).both). Anything that takes away from or addsAnything that takes away from or adds to God’s design of a husband and wifeto God’s design of a husband and wife in a sexual relationship is sexualin a sexual relationship is sexual immorality, and it devalues God’s goodimmorality, and it devalues God’s good gift.gift. Anything that enters the marriageAnything that enters the marriage relationship should not hinder orrelationship should not hinder or prohibit their walk with Jesus.prohibit their walk with Jesus. Read the Passage & Make Observations: A couple should not “pollute” the marriage bed by allowing things to enter that honorable and sacred space (pornography, additional partners, anything that brings dishonor to one or both). Anything that takes away from or adds to God’s design of a husband and wife in a sexual relationship is sexual immorality, and it devalues God’s good gift. Anything that enters the marriage relationship should not hinder or prohibit their walk with Jesus. The Foundation for This Relationship Love, Respect, Mutual Care (This will be addressed in homework) The In-Session Worksheet does not have the following observations listed. Use these observations to guide your conversation. Ask: Why is it important to know these guardrails? Guardrail #1: Strengthens emotional and physical intimacy, protects both spouses from temptation, and helps produce selfless love. Guardrail #2: Maintains trust, builds security, preserves the purity of the marriage covenant, aligns with God’s holy design, and creates a safe space for intimacy.So,So, are we?are we? So, are we? If we are operating between these guardrails and on this foundation, we can enjoy God’s gift and design of sexual intimacy in our marriage relationship. 128 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy 5.2
Read the Passage andRead the Passage and Make Observations:Make Observations: Read the Passage and Make Observations: Guardrail #2 Do not defile the marriage bed. God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterer. (Hebrews 13:4) Guardrail #1 Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, except for an agreed-upon time, and to reconnect with God through prayer. (1 Corinthians 7:5)Read the Passage andRead the Passage and Make Observations:Make Observations: Read the Passage and Make Observations: The Foundation for This Relationship Love, Respect, Mutual Care (This will be covered in homework) Questions to Consider: Why is it important to know these guardrails? If we are operating between these guardrails and on this foundation, we can enjoy God’s gift and design of sexual intimacy in our marriage relationship. So,So, are we?are we? So, are we? In-Session Worksheet 129 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy 5.2
Foundation for Marriage The World’s View God’s View Love Respect Mutual Care The Foundation for Marriage: Love, Respect, Mutual Care As a couple, read Ephesians 5:21-28 and 1 Peter 3:1, 7. Think about the world’s view of love, respect, and mutual care, and compare that with God’s view seen from these passages. HomeworkIn what ways, if any, have you seen the world’s view of love, respect, or mutual care creep into your mindset, and how has that affected your relationship? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 130 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy 5.2
131 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Loving Through Frustrations Homework - Filling Up Your Love Tank 5.3 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Couple Chat For homework, you looked at two passages, Ephesians and 1 Peter, and made distinctions between the world’s view and God’s view of love, respect, and mutual care. Today we are talking about frustrations that come when there is a mismatch between expectations and reality, especially with sexual intimacy. What are some areas in a sexual relationship in which this can occur? Frequency, desire, lack of initiating. There is something about sex that is personal. When a signal is made and rejected, it can lead to disappointment, frustration, and, if unchecked, resentment. When a spouse’s desire doesn’t match their own, it can cause the rejected spouse to feel inadequate and insecure. One essential way to work through this is what we discussed earlier in our first session—talking about it (use the Listener/Speaker Dialogue to help). The hope is that through honest conversations, both spouses will have a better understanding of each other and, with a foundation of mutual care, love, and respect, can make decisions to move toward each other (oneness). Session Notes: Consider Asking: What did you learn or what observations did you make after reading these passages? In what ways (if any) is your mind bent to believe what the world says over what God says? Ask: We know that change takes time. How do we remain loving, faithful, and emotionally present when progress toward one another isn’t immediate? Turn to page 68 in your notebook, and we are going to work through a worksheet together that is very practical when answering this question.
Couple Chat, Continued Let’s read 1 Corinthians 13:7 & 1 Peter 4:8 together, which are listed on your worksheet, and we will talk about these verses and work through the sheet together. Ask: In 1 Corinthians, Paul says that love bears, believes, and endures all things. If you were to list specific things that are hardest for you to bear, believe, or endure, specifically within sexual intimacy, what would be included in your list of “all things”? What is Paul and Peter’s answer to what we should do when things are difficult, in the area of sexual intimacy? Put on love. Love anyway! Love chooses endurance. Notice Paul is encouraging the Corinthian church to push through the hard; Peter is commanding. Why are commands important? Because we don’t naturally want to do them. Love requires obedience when it is hard. What are some examples around us when we see this type of love that “bears and endures all things,” and that their love “covers a multitude of sins”? God’s steadfast love for us, Jesus’ relationship with His disciples, etc. What keeps us from applying this mindset in our relationships? Disclaimer: This is not to be used as reasoning for someone to stay in an abusive relationship. How can we love well when our love tank is low? FILL UP THE TANK! What are things you can do that fill up your love tank towards your spouse? Receive/give love according to your love language (revisit this from Topic One) HAVE FUN! Do things together that you both enjoy. DATE OFTEN! What should “often” be for you? Pray and read the Bible together (or find a devotional to read through together). Go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time - research shows this helps strengthen marriage relationships! Exercise together.Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations Homework For homework, you are going to work through the homework on page 69, and you will share ways that your spouse has made you feel loved (be very specific) and make a list of date ideas that you can do together. When progress feels slow, we remain loving and present by choosing endurance over immediate, obedience over emotion, and by intentionally filling our love tank so we have something to give. 132 5.3
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.LOVELOVELOVEFilling up YourFilling up YourFilling up YourTankTankTank1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.What is included in your list of “all things” ? This is a command. Commands are necessary because we have to remind our “old self” what is true and right. Don’t stop loving! Love anyway. How do we keep loving when we don’t have a lot of love to give? Fill up the LOVE TANK! DATE OFTEN!! Have fun together! In-Session Worksheet 133 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations 5.3
Switch books with your partner and have them answer the same question. I, (_______________________), feel most loved by my spouse when...Your name I, (_______________________), feel most loved by my spouse when...Your name Circle your Love Language: Gifts Acts of Service Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Filling Up Your Love Tank Return your book back to your partner and discuss what you wrote. Circle your Love Language: Gifts Acts of Service Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Date Night Ideas Work together to create a list of date night ideas and agree on how often you will decide to do them (once a week, every other week). Note: They don’t have to be high- budget dates. Use Google to help give ideas. Homework 134 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations 5.3
135 Topic Overview Helps couples recognize how family experiences, expectations, roles, and patterns can influence their marriage. Couples identify what they want to carry forward, what may need to change, and how they can intentionally build the culture they want for their family. Session Goals Help the couple... Recognize how their past has shaped their marriage and family. Identify the areas where God is growing them in this season of their lives. Understand God's design for their roles in marriage. Build healthy habits that strengthen their home. Continue growing together in Christ long after Care & Grow ends. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Our past may shape us, but it doesn't have to define us. Healthy homes are built one intentional choice at a time. God's design for marriage helps families flourish. Spiritual growth in each spouse strengthens the whole family. A thriving marriage is rooted in Christ and continues to grow with purpose and gratitude. Topic Six: Family Dynamics
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137 Topic Six: Family Dynamics Session One: Where We’ve Been Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Learned Patterns & Behaviors Homework - Family Vision Tree 6.1 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Joshua 24:14-15 Couple Chat For homework, you completed the Fill Your Love Tank exercise. Did that assignment give you additional insight into what makes your spouse feel loved? In what ways can you see the value of filling up your love tank so you can love anyway, as you endure and bear “all things”? What is the date night idea that you are most excited about? Let's begin our next topic, Family Dynamics. Turn to page 9 in your workbook and review the rating you each gave for this topic. Then turn to page 14 and record the values you identified on page 72 of your notebook. Session Notes: Consider Asking: Why did you give yourself that specific rating? What are some strengths that you have in this area? What are some growth areas that you have in this area? What were each of your values? Why are each of those important to you? As we look at Family Dynamics for the next four weeks, we are going to break them into four categories: Where We’ve Been Where We Are Where We Are Going How Are We Going to Get There Let’s get started with “Where We’ve Been.” We're going to do an exercise together that will give us some practical insight into why we do the things we do. Whether we realize it or not, many of the habits, patterns, and traditions we carry into our own families were first modeled for us growing up. Some of those examples are worth continuing, while others may need to change.
Homework Your homework assignment will be to complete the second part of the exercise on page 74, the Family Vision Tree. After examining and discussing both your tree and your spouse’s tree, you will write what you want to keep, add, or leave out for your family that God has given you. Demonstrate one to get them started.Couple Chat, Continued Just as we saw in the passage we read to begin today's session, there comes a time when every family must intentionally decide what kind of home they want to build. Joshua declared, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15). That same invitation is given to us today. None of us will do this perfectly. There will be bumps along the way, but through God's grace and intentional choices made one step at a time, we can build a healthy, Christ-centered home that reflects our love for Him and for one another. Turn to page 73 in your workbook, Knowing Where I've Been. Much of what we do in our homes today was modeled for us as we were growing up. Take a few minutes to read each statement and rate how often that healthy behavior or pattern was demonstrated in your home growing up. If you have been married for more than three years, answer the questions based on your current family. Using a scale of 1–5 (1 = Never, 5 = Always), evaluate which patterns and behaviors were most consistently demonstrated or valued. As you complete this exercise, remember that the goal is not judgment or condemnation, but awareness. As God brings things to light, He also allows us to intentionally KEEP what is healthy, ADD what is missing, and LEAVE OUT what does not reflect the home He desires to build through you.Mentor Tip: If this is producing some uncomfortable feelings, consider sharing... Let’s read Isaiah 61:1-3 together before we move on. We understand that when you go back and look at these kinds of patterns, there can sometimes be a pull to resentment, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or betrayal. We want to encourage you not to stay there long. We serve a God who brings about good things from the hard seasons in life. In this passage, we are told that God brings beauty from ashes and replaces heaviness with joy! Say: Whether this was a wonderful trip down memory lane or a bit painful, hope-filled good news is close by. And the good news is that with God’s grace and guidance, we can choose what our family looks like today. We can choose to keep what we love, add what we wish were present, and leave out what doesn’t belong, so our homes will be places that reflect God’s goodness and grace. In Paul’s Words, in Hebrews 12:1, we lay aside any weight that hinders us from running the race - and winning! 138 Mentor Tip: Give them about 10 minutes to complete the exercise. Be prepared to share a personal experience from when you took the same assessment. If your couple has been married less than three years and has a stepfamily, they would answer for both families, using the “Family B” column. Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1Consider Asking: What did this assessment reveal about why you may or may not do certain things? Did this shed some light on why you naturally go to a certain behavior or pattern? Was there an uneasiness that came from taking this assessment?
If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and rewrite them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the list of values provided, or write your own. Regarding Family Dynamics, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Family Dynamics (ability to work together and “enjoy the journey”), we are... In-Session Worksheet ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 139 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
Family A Family B (if needed) Healthy Patterns or Behaviors 1. We frequently shared with each other about what was going on in our lives. 2. When a problem arose, we didn’t generally get mad and explode; we usually sat down and tried to resolve it. 3. We usually had family meals together several times a week. 4. We had a set of core values and beliefs we followed. 5. We made sacrifices for each other. 6. We were pretty good at communicating openly and respectfully. 7. We liked to hang out together. 8. Family rules and expectations were clear, and consequences were fair. 9. My parents/guardians modeled healthy ways to deal with stress and problems that arose. 10. My parents/guardians were an example of how I want my spouse and me to treat each other. 11. Family chores were well distributed and everyone was expected to pull their own weight. 12. Asking one another for forgiveness, especially from parents, was demonstrated on a regular basis. Directions: Think about your first “life classroom” (your family of origin), or if you have been married for over three years, consider your current situation. Read the statements and assign a rank for each using a 1-5 scale - using your first instinct. 1-Never 2-Rarely 3- Sometimes 4-Most Often 5-Always Reflect on your responses. As you reflect on your answers, what do these numbers tell you about what you observed growing up, how relationships were modeled, what values were demonstrated, how roles were distributed, and how expectations were shared? Consider how it impacts your family today. Share your observations with your spouse and mentor couple. Knowing Where I’ve Been In-Session Worksheet 140 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
HomeworkKeep:Leave Out:Add: Based on your responses to the in-session exercise with your spouse, prayerfully consider what the Lord would have you KEEP, ADD, or LEAVE OUT as you establish patterns and behaviors for your home. Be prepared to share your answers with your mentor couple at your next session. Joshua 24:15 “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” 141 The new patterns, attitudes, and behaviors that reflect the kind of family you hope to build.Patterns and behaviors that you want to remain as you intentionally build your family together. Patterns and behaviors that you want to lay aside as you move forward in establishing your family together. Family Vision Tree Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
142 Topic Six: Family Dynamics Session Two: Where We Are Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Where We Are - Examining the Fruit of the Spirit Homework - Establishing Family Goals 6.2 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Galatians 5:22-24 Couple Chat For homework, you worked on your tree. What are the things you want to keep doing? What are the things that you want to add? What are the things you want to leave out? Just like with anything else, anytime we want to make decisions to move forward in obedience to the Lord, there are some obstacles that will come along the way. Session Notes: Consider Asking: What are some of the obstacles that you think you will face as you want to make these adjustments in your family? As new habits are being formed, expect setbacks, but we celebrate forward progress (football analogy). During our last session, we looked at where we have been, and today, we are looking at “Where We Are.” Our passage today focuses on the fruit we produce as Christians, and we will take it a step further to see how this fruit affects our family. We are all on the journey of becoming like Christ, who consistently and perfectly demonstrated all of the fruit of the Spirit. No one on this side of heaven has matured in every area, but in the life of a believer, there should absolutely be a desire to grow in our maturity. Just as a football player aims for the next first down or goal line, we strive to look more like Jesus. Not because we want to earn God’s favor, but because we have been bought with a price by His grace, so out of a heart of gratitude, we strive to glorify God with all we are (1 Corinthians 6:20). Mentor Tip: Share your experiences of how it has looked for you to establish new patterns, stumble a bit, but keep moving forward in obedience.
Couple Chat, Continued Before we look at the Fruit of the Spirit in your notebook on page 75, there is a significant assumption that Jesus has - and that is that His followers should be bearing fruit. In our home, at work, at church, everywhere we go, and with all of the relationships we have, nothing is off- limits to this reality. And not out of obligation, but out of LOVE. In the Gospels, we read an interesting story about Jesus cursing a fig tree that symbolized the lives of deeply religious individuals. The tree had nice, beautiful leaves, but upon further investigation, when he lifted the leaves, looking for fruit, there was nothing, and he cursed it (Mark 11:12-25).When Jesus walks close to us and examines our lives, lifting our leaves, what does he see? He should see fruit growing out of a life of gratitude and love. It might be at different stages of maturity, but there should be fruit that is evidence that we are abiding in the Vine and are truly His. Let’s take a look at our In-Session Worksheet. Using a scale of 1-5, evaluate the degree to which each fruit of the Spirit is evident in your life. Circle the three Fruits of the Spirit that show up the most in your daily life (ask your spouse if they agree with your personal ratings). Talk about how these fruits add to their home and to their relationship with their spouse and their kids. Put a star next to the three that are your weakest, and consider how those also can negatively impact the home. Say: The goal is to identify fruit in your life that God wants to grow and mature, and be mindful that, either way, we are producing something in our home. It will be destructive (works of the flesh) or helpful to build and encourage (fruit of the Spirit). Work through the table together before giving instructions on homework. Homework For homework, look back at the ADD section of the Family Tree activity on page 74 and choose one habit or attitude you want to intentionally cultivate in your family and pass on to future generations. Together, create a goal that reflects Christ and the kind of home you hope to build, using page 76 to guide you through the process. As you take this step, remember that every intentional choice is an opportunity for God to shape your family and leave a lasting legacy.143 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
Fruit of the Spirit How It Might Look in Daily Life How the Flesh Might Show Up in Daily Life Fruit Growth in my Life Love Choosing to forgive when hurt, serving your spouse, showing compassion Withholding affection, holding grudges, prioritizing your desires over others. Joy Finding contentment even when the season is hard, outward expression of inward reality Complaining constantly, resenting others’ blessings, tying happiness to possessions or control. Peace Choosing calm over panic, resolving conflict gently, and trusting God instead of obsessively worrying. Escalating arguments, constantly stressed, avoiding reconciliation. Patience Remaining calm and steady through frustrating circumstances. Snapping quickly, demanding immediate results, quitting commitments when it gets hard. Kindness choosing gentle words during conflict, helping your spouse without being asked. Using sarcasm to wound, dismissing others’ needs, taking rather than giving. Goodness Being faithful when no one is watching Compromising integrity, making decisions based on selfish gain, justifying sin. Faithfulness Consistent, Keeping promises, showing up when you say you will. Breaking trust, neglecting responsibilities, prioritizing self- interest over relationships. Gentleness Listening before responding, showing empathy when your spouse fails. Dominating conversations, belittling others, reacting pridefully instead of humbly. Self Control Setting boundaries and keeping them, is not controlled by the circumstances around them Acting on impulse, giving in to sin, allowing emotions to rule your choices. In-Session Resource 1 - Not existent; 5 - Consistently present Examining the Fruit of the Spirit in MeCircle the three Fruits of the Spirit that show up the most in your daily life (ask your spouse if they agree). How do these fruits add to your home and to your relationship with your spouse and kids, if applicable? Put a star next to the three that are your weakest, or that are not present often. How do those negatively impact your home and family? 144 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
HomeworkActivity Goal: To create one clear, Scripture-based family goal that intentionally addresses a specific healthy pattern that you want to establish in your family. Read the verses from the list provided on page 77 to get started. Using the verses provided (or others you choose), select a passage that speaks to one habit or behavior you want to ADD to your home. Write the Scripture reference inside the jar as a reminder that lasting change begins with God's Word. If there are several areas you'd like to grow in, focus on ONE at a time and trust God to work as you take each intentional step. Using the verses you put in the jar, work together to identify a goal for your family, display it, and consider steps to put it into action. If children are present in the home, consider getting their input. If you need help creating a statement, use the following prompt: Because we are a family that wants to serve the Lord, we want to value what He values and that includes _______________ (a fruit of the Spirit). Therefore, we will cooperate with Jesus and His Word in __________ (passage) and strive to _______________ (positive behavior). Ideas to keep your family goal front of mind: Write it on a piece of paper and put it in the middle of the dinner table. Tape it to the bathroom mirror Hang it on the refrigerator, and follow up! Once a week at dinner, ask your family ways that they were able to implement the family goals. To take it another step forward, choose one verse a week from your jar and memorize it as a family (complete with motions is always fun). Our Family Goal: Establishing Family Goals __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ Remind your family of the Gospel. You aren’t making this goal so God will be pleased with you. God has given you so much through Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection (freedom from the power of sin, forgiveness from our sin, and a forever relationship with Him), and this is a proper response to that reality. We desire to obey His commandments, not out of obligation, but love. (John 14:15). 145 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
Homework Passage Is this seen in our home? Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” John 13:34–35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Romans 12:10 “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:17 “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.” 1 Corinthians 13:5 “[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Ephesians 4:2–3 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:31–32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Philippians 2:3–4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Colossians 3:12 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 146 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
147 Topic Six: Family Dynamics Session Three: Where We Are Going Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Biblical Roles in Marriage Homework - SMART Requests 6.3 Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Ephesians 5:15-17 Couple Chat For homework, you worked on establishing family goals What was the goal that you created? How do you think that growing in this area will help your family? Today we are going to talk about the leadership structure for marriage. Because this is given to us by God to lead to the flourishing of the family, our goal should be to pursue it, press in, and ask God to help us understand His heart. Session Notes: Consider Asking: Tell me what you know about biblical roles in marriage. What are your first thoughts when you hear “leadership structure” for marriage? If this is a new concept, does this seem to be offensive or dated? Before we get started, we have to establish three critical points. God created men and women in His image, completely equal in value (Genesis 1:27). God commands Adam and Eve to become one flesh, which is the foundation for a new family (Genesis 2:24). In the middle of this command to oneness, God establishes differences in roles and responsibilities within the family structure, which does not diminish the worth of the man or the woman; rather, it enhances it (Genesis 2:15, 18). And we don’t just see these distinctions in the garden, but they are repeated for us in the New Testament as well in three different passages - Ephesians 5:21-32, Colossians 3:18-19, and 1 Peter 3:1-7. We will look at Ephesians 5:21-32 as we examine both the roles of the husband and the wife in a marriage relationship. Turn to page 78 in your notebook, and we will read it together.
Mentor Tip: After reading the passage, take both the husband and wife through their individual pages (Husbands - page 79; Wives - page 81). The guide has these pages as well, in addition to the suggested answer. A Bonus Resource is also included in their workbook and in the training guide on page 80 that shows how Jesus nourishes and cares for the church. Once you work through these pages, come back here to work through the final questions before talking through the homework. Move through this at your discretion. Break this up into two meeting sessions if need be. Couple Chat, Continued Consider Asking: Comparing your initial thoughts on your individual roles before we took a deeper look, and now after, describe where you are. Are you motivated? Intimidated? Frustrated? Encouraged? Are there any roles that you misunderstood or had a misconception about? Is there a point during our discussion that you thought you were unable to fulfill your role? How do you think that following God’s design for your marriage can benefit your family? What will be some challenges? 148 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3Homework Couple Chat continues! For homework, schedule a time to talk through The Role in Marriage and make SMART requests based on our discussion today, which can be found on page 82.
Ephesians 5:15-33 15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.Husbands Wives What is the command to the husband? Love your wives, as Christ loves the church(vs. 26). Love their wives as their own body so that she is without spot or wrinkle (vs 27-28). What is the command to the wife? Submit in everything to your husband, this submission mirrors the church’s submission to the Lord (vs 22, 24). Must respect your husband (vs. 33). In-Session Resource Key Observations 149 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Husbands, love your wives as your own bodies... (vs. 28) ...As Christ loves the church The result of the husband’s love and Christ’s love HOW DO WE LOVE OURSELVES? We nourish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus nourish the church? We cherish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus cherish the church? In-Session ResourceTo nourish means: to provide whatever is physically necessary to lead to growth, health, and good condition. How do we naturally nourish ourselves? How does Jesus nourish the church? What would it look like to nourish your wife in this way?To cherish means: to lovingly protect and emotionally care. How do we naturally cherish ourselves? How does Jesus cherish the church? What would it look like to cherish your wife in this way? The Husband’s Role The result of your love should produce flourishing in the life of your wife (without spot or wrinkle). 150 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Husbands, love your wives as your own bodies... (vs. 28) ...As Christ loves the church The result of the husband’s love and Christ’s love HOW DO WE LOVE OURSELVES? We nourish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus nourish the church? We cherish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus cherish the church?To nourish means: to provide whatever is physically necessary to lead to growth, health, and good condition. How do we naturally nourish ourselves? How does Jesus nourish the church? What would it look like to nourish your wife in this way?To cherish means: to lovingly protect and emotionally care. How do we naturally cherish ourselves? How does Jesus cherish the church? What would it look like to cherish your wife in this way? The Husband’s Role The result of your love should produce flourishing in the life of your wife (without spot or wrinkle). Answers will vary. We eat when we are hungry, get a drink when we are thirsty, get rest when we are tired, take a break when we need it, protect ourselves from immediate or potential danger. See the Bonus handout on page 80 in their workbook. Answers will vary. Answers will vary. Set boundaries to protect our time, build strength through working out, create opportunities to be with friends, make spaces functional and organized. See the Bonus handout on page 80 in their workbook. Answers will vary. with Possible Answers 151 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
How Jesus Nourishes the Church: 1. He Gives Provision (John 6:35) He provides for the Church through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and His ongoing intercession. 2. He Guides (Ephesians 4:11-13) Through Scripture and the Holy Spirit, Christ gives wisdom and correction that leads to our maturity. 3. He Sanctifies (Ephesians 5:26) He continually works in believers to make them more like Him. 4. He Protects and Preserves (John 17:15, Matthew 16:18) He remains faithful even when the Church is weak or struggling. Does the way I nourish my wife reflect the way that Jesus nourishes the church? Am I giving her provision? Guidance? Spiritual Care? Protection? How Jesus Cherishes the Church: 1. He Loves with Sacrificial Devotion (Ephesians 5:25) His love isn’t based on performance; it's covenantal, sacrificial, and enduring. 2. He Delights in the Church (Zephaniah 3:17) Jesus doesn’t just tolerate the Church; He treasures her. 3. He Calls the Church His Bride (Revelation 19:7) This metaphor speaks of closeness, exclusivity, and joy. 4. He Intercedes for the Church Constantly (Romans 8:34) He is actively involved in our well-being. Does the way I cherish my wife reflect the way that Jesus cherishes the church? Am I showing sacrificial devotion? Delighting in her? Giving her exclusivity to my heart? Am I active in her well being?Bonus Resource 152 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Submit to your husband in everything, vs. 29 Must respect your husband, vs. 33Respect means to esteem or value. In what ways do you show your husband that you respect him? Why do you think that being respected is so important to a husband? Submission means willingly putting yourself under the leadership of your husband out of love for Christ, while maintaining your value. The idea of submission is quite common in our world, and vs. 29 assumes that there is a pattern of submission to the Lord in your daily life. What are ways you submit to the Lord? In Matthew 26:26-46, how does Jesus model what biblical submission looks like? What Biblical Submission is Not: Looking at Jesus’ example in Matthew 26:53, is biblical submission the inability or lack of opportunity to share your thoughts or opinions? Was it forced on Him? In-Session Resource The Wife’s Role 153 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Submit to your husband in everything, vs. 29 Must respect your husband, vs. 33 The Wife’s RoleRespect means to esteem or value. In what ways do you show your husband that you respect him? Why do you think that being respected is so important to a husband? Submission means willingly putting yourself under the leadership of your husband out of love for Christ, while maintaining your value. The idea of submission is quite common in our world, and vs. 29 assumes that there is a pattern of submission to the Lord in your daily life. What are ways you submit to the Lord? In Matthew 26:26-46, how does Jesus model what biblical submission looks like? What Biblical Submission is Not: Looking at Jesus’ example in Matthew 26:53, is biblical submission the inability or lack of opportunity to share your thoughts or opinions? Was it forced on Him? Answers will vary, Example: When we are tempted with discontentment, but instead choose gratitude, we are submitting. Anytime we choose to put our will and actions under the Lord's authority, we are submitting "as to the Lord". In the Garden, Jesus openly shared His heart and made His request without arguing or resisting. The Father did not force or coerce Him. Jesus was committed to doing the Father's will, and that required a willing choice. Even when 72,000 angels stood ready to rescue Him Jesus chose to stay. Submission is never forced; it is a choice we make. To a guy, respect and love can feel like the same thing. A husband might hear his wife express her love, but if he feels constantly doubted, corrected, or dismissed, those words lose meaning. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus asked the Father for another way yet submitted to God's will. He accepted what He would not have chosen for Himself. Jesus never asks us to do what He has not already done, fully and completely. with possible answers Say thank you often, speak highly of him to others, welcome his protection and provision, let him resolve problems his own way, don't treat him as someone who needs to be fixed. 154 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
What can I do to make you feel provided for and protected (nourished)? In what ways can I make you feel valued and important (cherished)? Is there an aspect of your life that is not flourishing (physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, relationally)? What can I do to help you strengthen that area? When I am not loving you well, I would want you to let me know by.... Homework Husband to Wife: The Goal: Loving You Well Wife to Husband: The Goal: Respectfully Following Your Lead How do I make you feel respected? What does it practically look like to follow your lead? When do you feel like I am most following your leadership over our family? What ways can I best support you as your helper? When you are leading our family in a direction that I am not certain about, what would be the best way to respectfully share my concern or opinion? Consider going on a date (a coffee date works too!) and work through the following questions. Using the SMART method for setting goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time- specific), talk with your spouse about ways that you can honor them within God’s design for their role in your family. Example Husband: I will be on “bath duty” with the kids every day during the week, so my wife can have 30 minutes to herself to do what she needs or wants to do. Wife: When my husband comes home, I will give him 30 minutes to just be home before going over a to-do list or issues from the day. The Roles in Our Marriage 155 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Topic Six: Family Dynamics Session Four: How Do We Get There Session Overview: Scripture Focus & Prayer Review of Homework Couple Chat - Rooted, Built Up, Abounding in Thanksgiving Homework - That Would Have Been Enough 6.4 Session Notes: Review of Homework Scripture Focus & Prayer - Colossians 2:6-7 For homework, you went on a date and talked about the roles that God has established for your marriage. How was your conversation? Wives, your husband is called by God to nourish and cherish you. If you felt (or feel) nourished and cherished by your husband, how does this affect your willingness to submit? Husbands, your wife is called to submit and respect you as the God- appointed leader for your family. If you felt (or if you feel) respected in the way you lead your family, how does this affect your ability to lead? This is the last session in Care & Grow. We pray that you have grown together, not just as a couple, but as followers of Jesus. We are concluding our time together with encouragement from the Apostle Paul. His desire for every believer was that they would walk in Christ. And walking in Christ results in thankfulness. So, how do we continue to walk towards thriving in our relationship with Jesus, which will impact all the other relationships in our lives - especially our marriage? We follow the process. Turn to page 83 in your notebook, and you will see this process pictured. Couple ChatFirst, we must be rooted if we are going to be thriving and flourishing in our relationships - both with Jesus and with each other. If we are deeply rooted in our walk with Jesus and our faith is securely placed in Him, then we are not easily moved. Read James 1:6-8 How does James describe a person who is not rooted in a foundation of faith? Describe the parallel that our marriage can also have if we are not rooted in a deep foundation of commitment to each other and oneness. We know that life will happen. The unexpected will become a reality. When that happens, if we are not rooted in our relationship and faith with Jesus and with our spouse, we could be tossed in every direction. 156
The next step after being rooted is what Paul calls being built up and established. If you are solid at the root level, then you can build something meaningful on that foundation. Think about a business that is considered a “start-up.” That way of identifying is ok for a while. Eventually, there needs to be systems in place that support growth. This is what God’s heart is for us. Read 1 Corinthians 3:1-3 and Consider Asking: When is the appropriate time for needing “spiritual milk” in the life of a believer? What is the logical growth someone can expect when they abide with Jesus? A relationship that is “built up and established” can support more and more growth and will result in more fruit. If fruit is not evident in our lives, we need to make sure we are rooted in Jesus through genuine faith and are abiding with Him (John 15). Ask (and encourage them to write personal insights in their workbook): 1.Think about your walk with Jesus. In what areas have you seen growth in your walk with the Lord? Are you meditating on His Word throughout the day? Are you spending intentional time with Him? What are the actions you can take to develop strong systems and structures in your faith? Ideas could be to join a small group. Be faithful in a church. Step out and do something brave for Jesus. Meditate on His Word. 2.Think about your life when you were first married. What are things that you have grown in together (the ability to share responsibilities and duties, keeping a calendar, setting a consistent time to meal plan or complete projects)? Can you see growth in areas where you once struggled due to systems and structures that now allow you to be better built up and established? What other structures and systems can you establish to support continued growth? Date nights. Marriage enrichment. Read books together. Talk - and listen - often. Love your spouse the way they best receive it. Choose to keep loving.Couple Chat, Continued Ask (and encourage them to write personal insights in their workbook): 1.How can I deepen my roots in my relationship with Jesus? 2.What are things that I have learned throughout Care & Grow that will lead to deepening roots with my spouse?The last thing that comes as a result of being rooted, built up, and established is abounding in thanksgiving. The ability to experience the abundance of gratitude is evidence of a contented life and heart. Rather than focusing on what is absent or lacking, the attention is on what is present and WHO is present. This presence is an anchor in the life of a believer. . Read Psalm 86:15 and Consider Asking: What are the ways that David describes God? How do these two characteristics translate to the life of every believer? 157 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
Homework For your final homework assignment, you will complete pages 84 and 85. During this time together, you will reflect on your journey - with Jesus and with each other - in a powerful way that will lead you to “abound in thanksgiving.” Our prayer is that this will be a springboard for more seasons of gratitude, seeing God’s goodness in your life, and an ongoing pursuit of Him - together. May your marriage reflect His heart. Amen. Couple Chat, Continued Read 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and Consider Asking: What are the guidelines for when we are supposed to “give thanks”? God is faithful and abounding in steadfast love, who is sovereignly ordaining every season - including the hard ones. And the purpose is not to destroy but to rewire our hearts to make us more like His Son. Ask (and encourage them to write personal insights in their workbook): In your relationship with the Lord, how do God’s sovereignty and His faithful character cause you to react with thanksgiving even in the midst of pain or suffering? Think back to how God has intervened on your behalf and write a prayer of thanksgiving. In your relationship with your spouse, how has your relationship developed in ways that reflect growth in the midst of difficult seasons? Reflect on recent events in your marriage that have represented growth. Write a prayer of thanksgiving. 158 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
In-Session Resource “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7 Rooted Psalm 1:2-4 How can I deepen my roots in my relationship with Jesus? What are things that I have learned throughout Care & Grow that will lead to deepening roots with my spouse? What are actions I can take to develop structures and systems that support my growth as a follower of Jesus? Built Up & Established John 6:68 Abounding in Thanksgiving 1 Thessalonians 5:16 Think back to how God has intervened on your behalf through difficult seasons. Write a prayer of thanksgiving. What are actions I can take to develop structures and systems that support growth in my relationship with my spouse? Reflect on recent events in your marriage that have represented growth. Write a prayer of thanksgiving. 159 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
Homework “Dayenu” is a traditional Jewish song of gratitude that is sung during Passover, and this Hebrew word literally means, “that would have been enough.” The song follows a sequence of events through the Old Testament in which God graciously and miraculously interacted or intervened on behalf of His people, and after each event, everyone joins in saying, “that would have been enough.” This time of deep reflection and thanksgiving can be incredibly powerful as we strive to live lives that “abound with thanksgiving.” Remove distractions and pray together, asking the Lord to remind you of the many ways that He has acted or intervened on your behalf - both for your salvation and in your daily lives. Use these prompts as a guide to get started. In the next section you will add details from your own story. Reflect on the core gifts God has given through Jesus. After each one, pause and say together: “That would have been enough.” You created me in Your image. That would have been enough. You loved me even when I was an enemy. That would have been enough. You sent Jesus to save me, while I was still sinning. That would have been enough. Jesus died for me and rose again, giving me a new heart and a new life. That would have been enough. You gave me the Holy Spirit to intercede, guide, comfort, and transform me. That would have been enough. You gave me the Church to walk alongside me. That would have been enough. You give me forgiveness again and again. That would have been enough. You promise to be with me always. That would have been enough. Together say: “Even if God had only done one of these, it would have been enough, yet He has done all of them.” That Would Have Been Enough 160 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
Homework “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7 As a couple, take a few minutes and reflect on each stage of your life and your life together, and the ways God has worked on your behalf. Write them, as specifically as you can, in the blanks below and follow the above pattern once again. Possible ideas to consider: An answered prayer God-given strength to keep going in a difficult season A person who encouraged or cared for you well Opportunities to grow that you were not expecting A closed door that was really God’s protection A moment of joy or peace ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” Together say: “And still, You gave me more.” Closing Prayer: “Jesus, You have given me more than enough. Teach me to walk in gratitude, to see Your hand in every step, and to trust Your goodness in every season. In Your Name, Amen.” That Would Have Been Enough 161 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
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Keep it confidential. What is shared during our time together stays within the group. We want everyone to feel comfortable being honest, knowing this is a safe place to share. Come ready to be open. The more honest you are, the more you'll get out of this journey. None of us has a perfect marriage, and that's okay. We're here to grow together — with our spouse and Jesus. Assume the best in one another. Your spouse is not your enemy — you are on the same team! Listen to understand, extend grace, and remember that you're both working toward the same goal. Speak with kindness and respect. Even when conversations are difficult, treat one another with patience and respect, allowing each person to be heard without shame or judgment. Trust the process. Growth doesn't happen overnight. Be patient with yourself, your spouse, and the journey. God often works through small, faithful steps over time. Complete the homework. Homework is an expected part of the process and helps prepare you for meaningful conversations. If homework is consistently not completed, mentors may choose to pause future meetings until you're ready to continue. Respect everyone's time. Please provide at least 24 hours' notice if you need to cancel or reschedule a meeting. We understand emergencies happen, but advance notice is a simple way to honor everyone's time and commitment.Meeting Guidelines 165
Name (Husband): ___________________________________________ Phone: _______________________________ Occupation: __________________________________________________ DOB: ________________________________ Email: __________________________________________________. Best way to reach me: Text Email Name (Wife): ________________________________________________ Phone: _______________________________ Occupation: ____________________________________________________ DOB: ______________________________ Email: __________________________________________________. Best way to reach me: Text Email Please list your children’s names and ages: Name: _________________________________ Age: __________ Name: _________________________________ Age: __________ Name: _________________________________ Age: __________ Name: _________________________________ Age: __________ Name: _________________________________ Age: __________ How many years have you been married? ___________ Anniversary Date: _______________________ Do you have children? Yes No Is your family a blended family? Yes NoThank you for your interest in participating in Care & Grow. Care & Grow is a mentoring-based discipleship ministry, not professional counseling. Care & Grow is designed for couples who desire to grow in their relationship with Christ and strengthen their marriage through biblical mentoring. Mentor couples are not licensed counselors and do not provide therapy, legal advice, or crisis intervention. When needs arise that are beyond the scope of mentoring, mentor couples may encourage you to connect with church leadership or another appropriate resource when additional care would be helpful. If you and your spouse would like to be mentored through Care & Grow, please complete the following application together. Once finished, return it to the designated Care & Grow leader or your local church leadership overseeing the ministry, and they will reach out to you regarding next steps. Page 1 of 3 Meeting Availability: Preferred meeting day: __________________________________________________________ Preferred time: __________________________. How often can you meet? _________________________________ Care & Grow : Application To Be Mentored Are you currently attending church regularly? ☐ Yes ☐ No Church: _____________________________________. Pastor/Church Leader: _____________________________________
What are you hoping God will do through your marriage during this mentoring relationship? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Care & Grow : Application To Be MentoredOffice Use Only Date Application Received: ___________________. Received By: ______________________ Leadership Review Application Reviewed By: ________________________________. Approved for Care & Grow: ☐ Yes ☐ No Mentor Couple Assigned: _______________________________________________________________________________ Expected Mentoring Start Date: ___________________. Expected Completion Date: _____________________ Notes: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Actual Completion Date: ______________________ Page 2 of 3 Is there anything your mentor couple should know before your first meeting? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Which areas would you most like to strengthen? (Check all that apply) ☐ Growing Together ☐ Communication ☐ Conflict Resolution ☐ Finances ☐ Sexual Intimacy ☐ Family Relationships ☐ Parenting ☐ Friendship ☐ Expectations ☐ Other: ____________________________________
Before continuing this process, it is necessary to establish a commitment to each other, to your Care Couple (mentor couple), and to the process. Please read below, sign, and submit with your application. Commitment to Hope We agree that we share a foundational belief that God wants to grow us through our marriage, and that as we grow, we will look more like Jesus and be closer to one another. Commitment to Each Other We agree to come with an open mind, believing in the best of each other, with mutual respect. Commitment to Complete Homework We understand that completing the homework is an important part of the mentoring process. If we repeatedly choose not to complete the assignments, our Care Couple may pause or discontinue mentoring until we are ready to fully participate. Our Commitment to Grow Page 3 of 3 Care & Grow : Application To Be Mentored Confidentiality We understand that conversations within Care & Grow will be treated with care and respect. However, if concerns arise involving abuse, neglect, threats of harm, or other situations requiring reporting or additional care, our mentor couple may involve appropriate church leadership and, when legally required, civil authorities. Husband’s Signature: ____________________________________________ Date: _____________ Wife’s Signature: _________________________________________________ Date: _____________
Marriage Mentoring Agreement & Release of Liability This form is to be completed by the couple being mentored before the start of their first session and submitted to the leadership member who is overseeing Care & Grow in your local church. We, the undersigned, acknowledge and agree to the following: 1.Nature of Mentoring We understand that the mentoring provided is based on Biblical principles and personal life experience. We acknowledge that the mentor is not a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist, or attorney, and the mentoring is not a substitute for professional counseling, therapy, or legal advice. 2.Voluntary Participation Our participation is entirely voluntary, and we are free to discontinue at any time. 3.No Guarantee of Results We understand that marriage mentoring does not guarantee any specific results or outcomes. 4.Confidentiality and Exceptions While our mentor will seek to keep discussions confidential, we understand there are legal and ethical exceptions, including but not limited to: threats of harm to self or others, suspected abuse, or criminal activity, which may be reported to appropriate authorities. 5.Release and Hold Harmless We hereby release, discharge, and agree to hold harmless our mentor and _______________________________ [Name of Church], its leaders, staff, and volunteers from all liability, claims, demands, or causes of action, whether known or unknown, arising out of or connected with our participation in marriage mentoring. We accept full responsibility for our own decisions, actions, and any consequences thereof. We have read, understand, and voluntarily agree to this statement. Husband’s Signature: ____________________________________________ Date: ___________ Wife’s Signature: _________________________________________________ Date: ___________ Mentor’s Signature: _____________________________________________ Date: ___________ Mentor’s Signature: _____________________________________________ Date: ___________
Name (Husband): ___________________________________________ Phone: _______________________________ Occupation: __________________________________________________ DOB: ________________________________ Email: ___________________________________________________ Best way to reach me: Text Email Care & Grow: Care Couple Application (To Mentor) Name (Wife): ________________________________________________ Phone: _______________________________ Occupation: ____________________________________________________ DOB: ______________________________ Email: ___________________________________________________ Best way to reach me: Text Email Please list your children’s names and ages: Name: _____________________________ Age: __________ Name: _____________________________ Age: __________ Name: _____________________________ Age: __________ Name: _____________________________ Age: __________ Name: _____________________________ Age: __________ How many years have you been married? ___________ Anniversary Date: _______________________ Do you have children? Yes No Is your family a blended family? Yes No Thank you for your willingness to serve as a Care & Grow mentor couple. If you feel called to walk alongside couples in your church, please complete the application below to become a Care Couple. Care Couples should have a growing relationship with Jesus Christ and be approved by their local church leadership. As a Care Couple, you understand that your role is not to provide professional counseling. Instead, you will encourage couples by pointing them to God's Word, sharing practical relationship skills learned through the Care & Grow training, and walking alongside them with humility, vulnerability, and genuine care. Completion of the official Care & Grow training through the Marriage & Relationship Education Center (MREC) is required to become a certified Care & Grow mentor couple. Page 1 of 3
Care & Grow: Care Couple Application (To Mentor) Husband: Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? Yes No What are you doing to grow in your relationship with Jesus? ______________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Please briefly describe why you are interested in becoming a mentor: ___________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Wife: Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus? Yes No What are you doing to grow in your relationship with Jesus? ______________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Please briefly describe why you are interested in becoming a mentor: ___________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________Office Use Only Date Application Received: _________________________. Received By: _________________________ Approval Process Application Reviewed By: _____________________________________________________________________ Pastoral Approval Received: ☐ Yes ☐ No Interview Needed : ☐ Yes ☐ No Interview Date (if applicable): ___________________________ Accepted into Care & Grow: ☐ Yes ☐ No Training Information Assigned Training Cohort: ______________________ Certification Date: ______________________ Page 2 of 3
Before continuing this process, please read below and sign. Commitment to Care (Matthew, 5:37, 2 Corinthians 1:4) We share a foundational belief that God wants to use us to care for couples in our local church with authenticity, vulnerability, and confidentiality. We commit to meeting consistently with our couple and will communicate clearly and promptly if any conflicts arise. Commitment to God’s Word (1 Thessalonians 2:8, Hebrews 4:12) We agree that God’s Word is what changes hearts and lives. We will share our experiences, point couples to resources, communicate and demonstrate skills, and we will direct our conversations back to God’s Word each time we meet. Commitment to Grow (1 Corinthians 10:12) We agree to continue growing together as a couple. We have not “arrived” and understand that as we care for others, we are also caring for our relationship. Husband’s Signature: _______________________________________ Date: ________ Wife’s Signature: ____________________________________________ Date: ________ Our Commitment as a Mentor Couple Care & Grow: Care Couple Application (To Mentor) Page 3 of 3
Spiritual Gift Definition How It Often Appears in the Local Church Administration Ability to organize people, resources, and plans effectively. Organizing ministries, coordinating events, managing systems, and volunteers. Apostleship Ability to start new ministries or churches and expand the gospel into new areas. Church planting, launching new outreach efforts, mentoring ministry leaders. Discernment Ability to recognize truth from error and identify spiritual influences. Guarding against false teaching, helping leaders make wise spiritual decisions. Evangelism Ability to clearly communicate the gospel and lead others to Christ. Outreach, sharing faith naturally, training others to evangelize. Exhortation (Encouragement) Ability to encourage, motivate, and strengthen others in their faith. Counseling, mentoring, encouraging those facing challenges. Faith Exceptional confidence in God and His promises, especially in difficult circumstances. Inspiring others to trust God, leading bold ministry initiatives. Healing Ability used by God to bring physical, emotional, or spiritual restoration. Prayer for the sick, comforting those suffering, healing prayer ministries. Giving Ability and desire to give resources generously to support God’s work. Financial generosity, supporting ministry needs, helping those in crisis. Hospitality Ability to warmly welcome others and create a sense of belonging. Greeting newcomers, hosting small groups, creating welcoming environments. Interpretation of Tongues Ability to interpret messages spoken in tongues so the church can understand them. Providing interpretation during worship gatherings. Spiritual Gifts Overview 173
Spiritual Gift Definition How It Often Appears in the Local Church Leadership Ability to cast vision and guide others toward a shared mission. Leading ministries, directing teams, helping churches move toward goals. Mercy Deep compassion for people who are hurting or struggling. Visiting the sick, supporting grieving families, caring for those in need. Miracles Ability through which God demonstrates His power in extraordinary ways. Supernatural acts that strengthen faith and point people to God. Prophecy Ability to communicate a message from God that strengthens or challenges believers. Encouraging the church, calling people toward faithfulness. Service (Helps) Ability to joyfully meet practical needs and support others. Setting up events, helping behind the scenes, supporting ministry teams. Shepherding (Pastor) Ability to guide, nurture, and spiritually care for others. Pastoral care, small group leadership, discipleship and spiritual guidance. Teaching Ability to understand and explain biblical truth clearly. Bible studies, discipleship classes, teaching Scripture. Speaking Ability to communicate truth in a compelling and motivating way. Public speaking, preaching, encouraging large groups. Tongues Ability to speak in a language not known to the speaker for prayer or message from God. Personal prayer language or corporate message with interpretation. Word of Knowledge Ability to receive specific insight or information through the Holy Spirit. Speaking truth into situations, guiding ministry decisions. Word of Wisdom Ability to apply spiritual truth and offer wise counsel in difficult situations. Advising leaders, helping resolve conflicts, providing spiritual guidance. Spiritual Gifts Overview 174 myspiritualgifts.com
Blend Strengths Potential Weaknesses In Marriage Choleric- Sanguine Visionary, persuasive, energetic Impatient, blunt, controlling Leads and initiates well, but must slow down and prioritize spouse’s feelings Choleric- Melancholy Strategic, organized, high standards Critical, perfectionistic, inflexible Provides structure and direction, but needs grace and flexibility with spouse Choleric- Phlegmatic Calm, steady leadership Stubborn, emotionally distant Reliable decision-maker, but must engage emotionally and communicate care Sanguine- Choleric Charismatic, motivating, action- oriented Impulsive, dominating Brings energy and fun, but must listen well and follow through Sanguine- Melancholy Compassionate, expressive, encouraging Emotional highs/lows, sensitive Deeply caring and affirming, but needs emotional stability and resilience Sanguine- Phlegmatic Easygoing, friendly, peacemaker Avoids conflict, low discipline Creates harmony, but must address issues instead of avoiding them Melancholy- Choleric Goal-driven, organized, disciplined Harsh, intense Builds strong systems, but must soften tone and prioritize relationship over tasks Melancholy- Sanguine Creative, relational, expressive Mood swings, discouraged Brings depth and connection, but needs consistency and emotional balance Melancholy- Phlegmatic Thoughtful, dependable, detail- oriented Overthinks, withdraws Loyal and steady, but must communicate instead of shutting down Phlegmatic- Choleric Stable, fair, quiet leader Low drive, stubborn Peaceful and steady presence, but needs initiative and engagement Phlegmatic- Sanguine Friendly, relaxed, supportive Procrastinates, lacks discipline Easy to live with, but must take responsibility and follow through Phlegmatic- Melancholy Kind, organized, supportive Avoids conflict, passive Gentle and caring partner, but must speak up and address issues directly Temperament Blends 175 LaHaye, Tim. Spirit-Controlled Temperament. Rev. ed., Tyndale House Publishers, 1994.
Five Love Languages www.5lovelanguages.com Love Language What It Means How It Is Shown How It Is Received Words of Affirmation Love expressed through encouraging and appreciative words Compliments, encouragement, appreciation, written notes, verbal gratitude Hearing “I appreciate you,” encouragement during hard times, meaningful compliments Quality Time Love expressed through undivided attention and shared experiences Date nights, deep conversations, shared activities, focused listening Feeling listened to, meaningful conversations, intentional time together Acts of Service Love expressed through helpful actions that reduce stress or show care Doing chores, helping with responsibilities, running errands, fixing things Practical help, someone stepping in to make life easier Receiving Gifts Love expressed through thoughtful, meaningful gifts that symbolize care Giving gifts for special occasions or surprises, remembering meaningful items Feeling remembered, appreciating the thought and meaning behind the gift Physical Touch Love expressed through physical affection and closeness Hugs, holding hands, sitting close, affectionate touch Feeling comforted and connected through physical affection 176
Assessments Love Languages Temperament Spiritual Gifts QR Code/Website Topic One: Growing Together Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4 177
The Dibble Institute Taking Time to Reset & the Physiological Sigh 178 Taking Time to Reset When having hard conversations or experiencing strong emotions, research shows that blood flow shifts away from the thinking part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) toward the survival and emotional processing areas of the brain (including the amygdala). Once this happens, it becomes much harder to think clearly, listen well, or respond in a helpful way. Conversations that continue in this state often become more hurtful and can cause the situation to escalate unnecessarily. Research also suggests that it can take 20 to 30 minutes for our bodies to begin calming down and for clear thinking to return. When needed, make an intentional plan to step away, but always leave the conversation with hope (Proverbs 13:12). "I am getting upset and need to step away for a bit so I don't make things worse. But I know we can work through this." When hope is lacking, an increase in stress and anxiety is close by. The Physiological Sigh Have you ever noticed that when a child is crying hard, they often take two quick breaths before letting out a long exhale? God designed our bodies with built-in ways to slow down and recover. Researchers, including Andrew Huberman, have studied this natural breathing pattern, called the Physiological Sigh, and found that it helps calm the body's stress response. Sometimes one intentional breath is enough to help us respond with wisdom rather than react in the moment. How to Practice the Physiological Sigh 1.Take one deep breath in through your nose. 2.Immediately take a second, smaller inhale through your nose. 3.Slowly exhale through your mouth until your lungs feel empty. Repeat one to three times. This simple reset helps calm your body's stress response, making it easier to listen, think clearly, and respond with wisdom instead of reacting emotionally. Huberman, Andrew. "Understanding the Physiological Sigh." Ask Huberman Lab, Huberman Lab, https://ai.hubermanlab.com/s/s7f-PLdF.
The bottom line: Every dollar of income is assigned a job so income minus expenses equals zero. Best for: Goal-focused budgeting and/or debt payoff How it works: List total monthly income Assign every dollar to expenses, savings, or debt Adjust until $0 is left unassigned To Learn More: Scan here to be taken to ramseysolutions.com Method Detail How many pieces you split your more into - more categories (High) more groups (Low)? Difficulty Level How hard it is to use and keep up with? Control How much you tell your money exactly what to do? Best For Zero-Based High Medium High Goal-driven users Envelope System Medium Easy High Overspenders 50/30/20 Rule Low Very Easy Medium Beginners Budgeting Methods At-a-Glance Pros Cons Maximum control of money Requires time and tracking Helps reach financial goals faster Needs monthly updates Reduces wasteful spending Zero-Based Budget 179
The bottom line: Spending money is divided into categories using cash or digital “envelopes.” Best for: Overspenders, visual learners How it works: Create spending categories (groceries, gas, dining, etc.) Load each category with a set amount Spend only what is in each envelope To Learn More: Scan here to be taken to ramseysolutions.com Pros Cons Strong spending limits Less convenient for online payments Simple and visual Requires discipline not to move money between envelopes Prevents overspending Envelope System Budgeting Methods At-a-Glance 180
The bottom line: Income is split into three percentage-based categories. Best for: Beginners and busy individuals How it Works: Follow the set percentage breakdown: 50% Needs (housing, utilities, groceries) 30% Wants (entertainment, dining, hobbies) 20% Savings & Debt Best for: Beginners and busy individuals To Learn More: Scan here to be taken to investopedia.com Pros Cons Easy to understand and apply Not highly detailed Flexible and low-maintenance May not fit all income levels or cost-of-living situations Quick setup 50/30/20 Budget Budgeting Methods At-a-Glance 181
182 Budgeting Handout Monthly Income List all take-home income. Job 1: $ __________ Job 2 / Side Income: $ __________ Other Income: $ __________ Total Monthly Income: $ __________ Budget Check Total Income: $ __________ Total Expenses: $ __________ Difference ☐ $0 (Balanced Budget) ☐ Over by $ __________ ☐ Under by $ __________ Monthly Expenses Needs (Essentials) Rent/Mortgage: $ __________ Utilities: $ __________ Groceries: $ __________ Transportation: $ __________ Insurance: $ __________ Other Needs: $ __________ Total Needs: $ __________ Wants (Non-essentials) Dining Out: $ __________ Entertainment: $ __________ Shopping: $ __________ Hobbies: $ __________ Subscriptions: $ __________ Other Wants: $ __________ Total Wants: $ __________ Savings & Debt Emergency Savings: $ __________ Retirement: $ __________ Debt Payments (extra): $ __________ Other Savings Goals: $ __________ Total Savings/Debt: $ __________
183 Mentor Training The Heart of Care & Grow Marriage Mentors Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. 1 Thessalonians 2:8 Show __________________Care Share God’s ______________ With _______________________ Staying in our Lane See “Next Steps: Reference Guide for Additional Support” page 181 Care & Grow’s Lane Outside Our Lane Open God’s Word Diagnose Problems Ask thoughtful questions Treat mental conditions Encourage biblical growth Crisis intervention Pray with couples Legal advice Encourage repentance and forgiveness Handle addiction treatment Connect couples with additional help Long term clinical care Training Session 1
184 Training Session 1 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple
Child & Adult Protective Services: 1-800-917-7383 1. SAFETY CONCERNS (ACT SAME DAY) Abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, verbal) Threats of harm Fear for safety Controlling or intimidating behavior Action: → Call 911 if needed → Notify leadership immediately. Do NOT promise confidentiality 2. MENTAL HEALTH (24 HRS) Suicidal thoughts or self-harm Severe depression/anxiety Uncontrolled anger Action: → If risk = treat as safety issue (see above) → Otherwise notify leadership within 24 hrs 3. ADDICTION (24 HRS) Substance abuse Gambling Porn/sexual addiction Repeated relapse Action: → Notify leadership within 24 hrs 4. DESTRUCTIVE PATTERNS (24 HRS) Ongoing conflict, no change Infidelity/unrepentant behavior Dishonesty or refusal to engage Action: → Notify leadership within 24 hrs 5. LEGAL ISSUES (24 HRS) Criminal activity Divorce/custody disputes Financial/legal conflicts Action: → Notify leadership → Do NOT give legal advice How to communicate with your couple: “I care about you and want to support you well. This is beyond my role, and I’d like to help connect you with someone who can provide the care you need.” You are a mentor, not a counselor. When something is beyond you, reach out for additional support. Do not try to solve it. If someone is in immediate danger, or there is a threat to harm self or others, call 911, then notify church leadership. DECISION GUIDE Danger? → Call 911 Abuse or harm? → Report + leadership Unsure / beyond you? → Leadership within 24 hrs Next Steps Reference Guide for Additional Support After reporting, document: Write facts only (no opinions) Include the date and what was said/observed Submit to leadership Do NOT keep personal notes Do not: Counsel or diagnose Investigate abuse Promise confidentiality Take sides in legal issues Try to“fix” everything 185
Training Session 2 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple Mentor Training The Roles of a Care & Grow Marriage Mentor: 1.Lead _________________________that make __________________. 2.Give __________________. Observe ___________________ Explore ______________________ Apply _______________________ Walk _________________________ The Care & Grow Conversation Framework 186
1. One spouse dominates the conversation Observe Behavior Recognize that one spouse is doing most of the talking, answering questions directed toward the other spouse, interrupting, or answering for the other person. Don't immediately jump to conclusions (they are controlling, etc). Notice the imbalance. Explore Deeper Get curious about what may be contributing to the imbalance. Consider asking: "What are you hoping your spouse understands?" “What feels important for you to make sure gets said?” "What makes it difficult to give each other space to respond?" Apply Truth in Love Share God’s perspective and consider biblical principles such as being quick to listen and slow to speak, valuing one another, and seeking understanding rather than simply being understood. Walk Alongside Create space for a more balanced conversation. Redirect questions to the quieter spouse and encourage the more verbal spouse when they listen well. 2. The couple wants the mentor to tell them who's right Observe Behavior Notice the invitation to become the judge: "Tell him I'm right." "Don't you agree with me?" "What do you think she should do?" Explore Deeper Begin to unpack what may be underneath the desire to be right. Consider asking: “What would it mean to you if your spouse saw this differently?” "What are you hoping will happen if your spouse agrees with you?" “What are you most concerned might happen if this isn't resolved the way you're hoping?” Apply Truth in Love Instead of asking, "Who's right?," consider asking, "What would faithfulness to Christ look like for each of you in this situation?" There may be times when Scripture clearly identifies something as right or wrong, but we don’t want to pin one person against the other or create a dependence on our words instead of the Lord’s. Walk Alongside Help each spouse identify their own faithful next step. The mentor's role is not to settle every disagreement but to help the couple learn to seek God's wisdom, understand one another, and respond in a way that looks like Jesus.Observe | Explore | Apply | Walk Alongside The Care & Grow Conversation FrameworkThe Care & Grow Conversation Framework What to Do When... Moving seven scenarios from a difficult moment toward biblical growth without becoming a counselor or referee, using the Care & Grow Conversation Framework. 187
3. A couple starts arguing during your session Observe Behavior Notice that the conversation has shifted from discussing the issue to reacting to one another. Voices may rise, arms may cross (tighter), interruptions increase, or listening may stop. Explore Deeper Rather than jumping into the argument, slow the conversation down and consider asking: “What are you telling yourself about what your spouse is saying or doing?” “What feels most important to you right now?” Apply Truth in Love Lead them to do the heart work and examine whether their response reflects God's call toward patience, gentleness, self-control, forgiveness, and love. The goal isn't determining who won the argument but helping each spouse consider their own response (We can't control another person's actions, but we can take responsibility for our own). Walk Alongside Take Two! Help them reset and practice a healthier response. If emotions are too elevated, encourage a brief pause rather than forcing resolution. Revisit what they learned afterward. 4. Someone becomes emotional Observe Behavior Pay attention to the emotion without treating it as a problem that needs to be stopped. Tears, frustration, sadness, or even silence are indicators of something deeper. Explore Deeper Give space before asking questions. Then consider asking: “What is coming up for you right now?” “What feels especially important or painful about this?” “What are you wishing were different right now?” “What do you wish your spouse understood?” Apply Truth in Love Bring Scripture in at an appropriate pace and remind them of God's compassion, hope, forgiveness, or faithfulness rather than trying to find a verse that immediately fixes the emotion. Walk Alongside Be present. Listen. Pray if appropriate. Encourage the spouse to care for their husband or wife rather than becoming the primary source of comfort. If what surfaces is beyond your role, help connect them with additional support. See “Next Steps” 5. One spouse blames the other Observe Behavior Listen for phrases such as "You always," "You never," or "If they would just change..." Notice when the focus is entirely on the other person's behavior. Explore Deeper Get curious about what may be underneath the accusation “What happens inside of you when that happens?” “What are you telling yourself about your spouse when that happens?” “What are you hoping your spouse would do differently?” “What are you afraid might happen if nothing changes?”Observe | Explore | Apply | Walk Alongside 188
Apply Truth in Love Help each spouse consider the words of Jesus and examine themselves before focusing on another person's faults. Scripture can move the conversation from blame toward humility and forgiveness. Walk Alongside Encourage one personal next faithful step rather than a demand for the spouse to change. Next time, ask how that step went. 6. The couple gets completely off topic Observe Behavior Notice when the conversation has moved away from the purpose of the session or when one issue begins pulling in five other unresolved issues. Explore Deeper Sometimes the new topic reveals something important, so consider asking: "How does this connect with what we were talking about?" “What about this feels important enough that we need to stop here?” "Is this something we need to spend time on today, or should we come back to it later?" Apply Truth in Love Help them practice wisdom and patience with what is in front of them rather than trying to solve everything at once - “you have a lifetime to figure this out together!” Walk Alongside Acknowledge the concern and then consider saying: "I understand this is important to you. Let's write it down so we don't lose it. For today, let's finish this topic so your perspectives are both shared and understood. 7. A mentor doesn't know what to say next Observe Behavior The first behavior to recognize may actually be your own. You feel pressure to have an answer, fix the problem, or say something profound. Explore Deeper Ask yourself: "Why do I feel like I need to solve this?" Then be curious and consider asking your couple: "Tell me a little more." "What do you think is happening?" "What feels most important here?" "What have you already tried?" Apply Truth in Love Remember our calling! We are not the source of wisdom or transformation. God's Word and Holy Spirit are what changes hearts and actions. It is completely appropriate to say, "I don't know, but this conversation is bringing something from the Bible to mind, and I would like to focus some time on that." Walk Alongside Stay curious instead of becoming an expert. Pray together, be challenged to study Scripture on that particular topic and bring what they found out at the next session. Walking alongside does not require having every answer. Observe | Explore | Apply | Walk Alongside 189
These questions are examples of the types of questions that can help guide the conversation. Stay curious, listen carefully, and let the couple's answers guide the conversation. Remember: You are not conducting an interview. Start here: What happens inside of you when that happens? What was going through your mind in that moment? What was hardest about that for you? Understand what they want What were you hoping would happen? What were you wanting from your spouse? What did you wish your spouse understood? Understand concerns and fears What are you concerned about? What are you afraid might happen? What makes this particularly difficult for you? Explore expectations and assumptions What were you expecting from your spouse? What are you assuming your spouse meant by that? What are you telling yourself about what happened? Have you been able to tell your spouse what you were hoping for? Help them understand each other What are you hearing your spouse say right now? Is there another way you might understand what happened? What are you beginning to understand about each other through this conversation? Explore Deeper: Questions to Better Understand Someone’s Perspective 190
191 Training Session 3 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple Mentor Training
192 Training Session 4 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple Mentor Training
193 Training Session 5 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple Mentor Training
194 Training Session 6 Training Takeaways Questions Needing Clarification Things to Remember When Working with a Couple Mentor Training Notes