Couples Assessment Booklet

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C O U P L E S T H E R A P Y The Gottman Method The commitment to couples therapy is significant but there is not much that impacts your quality of life more than the feelings of safety and supportiveness you get from a loving relationship with your partner. T H E G O T T M A N M E T H O D Based on 40+ years of relationship research with over 3,000 couples, the Gottman Method combines scientific assessment with proven therapies to provide effective treatment to couples, helping you build stronger, happier, and more resilient relationships. The Gottman Method is one of, if not the most, research-based methodology for couples therapy internationally. Studies using randomised clinical trials have been published in the Journal of Family Therapy and the Journal of Family Psychology endorsing the effectiveness of the Gottman Method. T H E G O A L S O F G O T T M A N T H E R A P Y A R E C L E A R A N D S P E C I F I C 01 Increasing connection and friendship 02 Addressing conflict constructively and reducing negative interaction 03 Building a life of shared meaning together SCAN TO VISIT anchoringyourlife.com Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com

I N T R O D U C T I O N T O Your Relationship Skills Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com The goals identified for your relationship provide a foundation for creating a more connected, respectful and supportive partnership. This handout focuses on three interconnected areas that can help you understand and change the patterns that develop between you: 1 More Effective Communication Learning to: de-escalate conflict and recognise and manage emotional flooding express thoughts, feelings and needs calmly, respectfully and gently listen to understand rather than to respond, defend or prepare your next argument help each partner feel heard, understood and validated. 2 A Stronger Sense of Equal Partnership Developing a greater sense that you are a team, with shared responsibility, mutual support and a willingness to consider each other’s needs, expectations and contributions. 3 Feeling Prioritised and Valued Creating a relationship where both partners feel acknowledged, appreciated, valued and prioritised, and where each person experiences that they matter to the other. These three areas are closely connected. Improving communication can make it easier to work as a team. Feeling like a team can increase feelings of security and support. Feeling valued and prioritised can make it easier to approach difficult conversations with greater openness and less defensiveness.

I N T R O D U C T I O N T O Y O U R R E L A T I O N S H I P S K I L L S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Understanding Your Communication Cycle When couples experience ongoing conflict, the problem is often not simply the topic they are arguing about. Over time, couples can develop a repeating communication cycle in which each person’s response influences the other person’s response. For example, one partner may raise an issue because they feel hurt, disappointed or unsupported. The other partner may experience this as criticism and respond defensively, withdraw, become frustrated or try to end the conversation. The first partner may then feel even more unheard or alone and increase their efforts to be understood. The other partner may respond by becoming even more defensive or withdrawing further. The cycle can then continue: One partner reacts The other responds The first partner reacts to that response The other responds again and around again… Before long, both partners can feel as though they are fighting against each other rather than dealing with the problem together. What this can look like in a couple’s cycle: H E R H I M 1 She feels distressed 2 She raises the issue 3 He feels overwhelmed or dismissed 4 Her emotions intensify 5 He withdraws 6 She feels alone or unsupported 7 Her emotions become stronger 8 He feels even more overwhelmed and withdrawn and around again… Importantly, this cycle is not necessarily about one person being the cause of the problem. Each partner’s behaviour can make sense when viewed from their own experience, while also unintentionally contributing to the cycle continuing. You may recognise patterns such as: Criticism Defensiveness More criticism Withdrawal or: Pursuing the conversation Withdrawing Pursuing more strongly Withdrawing further or: Feeling hurt Becoming angry Partner becoming defensive Feeling even more hurt The details may be different for every couple, but the underlying process can be similar: each partner’s response becomes part of what triggers the next response from the other. The purpose of this work is therefore not simply to determine “Who started it?” or “Who is right?” Instead, the goal is to help you recognise: “What happens between us when we get stuck?” Once you can recognise the cycle, you have a better opportunity to interrupt it and respond differently.

I N T R O D U C T I O N T O Y O U R R E L A T I O N S H I P S K I L L S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com How the Three Goals Work Together The skills in this handout are interconnected. More effective communication begins with being able to recognise when conflict is escalating and when emotional flooding is making it difficult to think clearly, listen or communicate effectively. Learning to pause and regulate emotional intensity creates greater capacity for a calmer conversation. When you can communicate your thoughts, feelings and needs gently and respectfully, your partner is more likely to hear what you are actually trying to communicate rather than becoming focused on defending themselves. When both partners practise listening to understand, there is greater opportunity to understand the experience underneath the words. This is where validation becomes important. Being heard and understood does not necessarily mean that your partner agrees with everything you say. It means that they are making an effort to understand your perspective and acknowledge that your feelings make sense from your experience. As communication becomes safer, couples can begin to work more effectively as a team. This includes discussing responsibilities, expectations, decisions and the mental and emotional load of everyday life rather than assuming that your partner should simply know what is expected. Finally, feeling valued and prioritised is an important part of connection. Small experiences of appreciation, responsiveness, affection, consideration and being noticed can help reinforce the sense that you matter to one another. These areas can also influence one another in the opposite direction. When a partner feels unimportant or unsupported, they may communicate from a place of hurt or frustration. The other partner may become defensive or withdraw, and the communication cycle can then intensify. This is why the aim is not to work on each goal in isolation. The three areas are part of a larger relationship system. Regulation supports communication. Communication supports understanding. Understanding supports connection. Connection supports partnership. Partnership and appreciation help both partners feel valued and prioritised.

I N T R O D U C T I O N T O Y O U R R E L A T I O N S H I P S K I L L S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com What This Work Is — and Isn’t These skills are not intended to make disagreements disappear. Differences, disappointments, unmet expectations and difficult emotions are a normal part of intimate relationships. The aim is to help you navigate those moments differently so that conflict does not continue to damage your connection. You may still disagree. You may still become frustrated with one another. There may be times when one of you gets it wrong, becomes defensive or falls back into an old pattern. What matters is developing the ability to recognise what is happening earlier, interrupt the cycle and find your way back to one another. The skills provided throughout this handout draw on evidence-based principles from the Gottman Method, alongside relationship and attachment-based approaches. They focus not only on what each person says or does individually, but on the interactional patterns that develop between partners. Practising Rather Than Perfecting Most importantly, these skills require practice. It is unlikely that you will use them perfectly, particularly when emotions are high or old patterns are triggered. The goal is not perfection. It is to become increasingly aware of what is happening between you, recognise the cycle earlier and practise responding in a different way. As you work through the resources, focus on making small, consistent changes rather than trying to change everything at once. Notice when you successfully pause before reacting. Notice when you listen instead of defending. Notice when you communicate a need rather than criticising. Notice when you recognise your partner’s effort, even if things are not yet where you would like them to be. Over time, these repeated experiences of listening, understanding, validating, appreciating and supporting one another can help change the cycle between you. The goal is to create a relationship where you both feel safer, more connected and more able to face challenges together — not because difficulties disappear, but because you have developed greater confidence in your ability to work through them as a team.

The Gottman Relationship Checkup | 206-523-9042 | checkup.gottman.com | training@gottman.comTHE SOUND RELATIONSHIP HOUSE THEORY Developed by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Pioneers in relationship science, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have revolutionized our understanding of marriage, relationships, and couples therapy. They draw upon four decades of breakthrough research with more than 3,000 couples. The Sound Relationship House Theory is the foundation of the Gottman Method, which uses a practical approach to help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection, and intimacy in their relationships. WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WORK? Build Love Maps • Maintain awareness of your partner’s world Share Fondness and Admiration • Make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account Turn Towards Instead of Away • Accept bids for emotional connection The Positive Perspective • A positive perspective occurs when the friendship of your marriage is strong Manage Conflict • Accept influence from your partner: be open to compromise • Discuss your problems: take turns listening to one another about perpetual issues • Practice self-soothing: keep yourself calm Make Life Dreams Come True • Find ways to support each other’s life goals and dreams Create Shared Meaning • Build a shared sense of purpose. What is your mission and legacy? WHAT ABOUT TRUST AND COMMITMENT? 5 ways to build trust, love, and loyalty in your relationship: 1. Make trustworthiness a main priority in your relationship 2. Act to maximize your partner’s well-being 3. Know that trust is built in small positive moments 4. Avoid negative comparisons 5. Generate frequent thoughts and acts that cherish your partner’s positive qualities and minimize your focus on their negative faults

C O U P L E S T H E R A P Y Negative Sentiment Override Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Negative Sentiment Override can develop when ongoing conflict, unresolved hurt, disappointment or emotional disconnection begins to influence the way partners perceive and interpret one another. In a healthy relationship, a partner’s behaviour is generally interpreted within the broader context of the relationship. A forgotten task may simply be a forgotten task, a quiet evening may simply mean that someone is tired, and a brief response may not carry any particular meaning. However, when a couple has experienced repeated conflict or hurt, this context can change. Previous negative experiences can begin to influence how current interactions are understood. A partner may become more likely to notice what goes wrong, while positive interactions can become less noticeable or may not carry the same emotional weight they once did. As this pattern develops, neutral or ambiguous behaviour may be interpreted more negatively than it might otherwise have been. For example A partner who comes home quietly may be interpreted as being angry or deliberately withdrawn. A forgotten household task may be experienced not simply as something that was missed, but as evidence that “you don’t care,” “I can’t rely on you,” or “I always have to do everything.” Similarly The partner on the receiving end may begin to feel that whatever they do is viewed negatively. They may think, “I can’t do anything right,” “Nothing I do is appreciated,” or “Why bother trying when it doesn’t seem to make a difference?” This can create a self-reinforcing cycle. One partner becomes increasingly alert to signs of disappointment, rejection or lack of support, while the other becomes increasingly defensive, withdrawn or discouraged. The more negative interactions that occur, the easier it can become to interpret subsequent interactions through the same negative lens. One partner grows alert to disappointment or rejection The other becomes defensive, withdrawn or discouraged More negative interactions occur Later interactions are seen through the same negative lens and around again…

N E G A T I V E S E N T I M E N T O V E R R I D E Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Why this happens Negative Sentiment Override is not something either partner consciously chooses. When a relationship has experienced repeated negative interactions, the emotional history of those experiences can influence what each person notices and how they make sense of their partner’s behaviour. This does not mean that concerns are imagined or that genuine problems should be ignored. Rather, it means that once a relationship becomes dominated by negative interactions, it can become harder for partners to accurately recognise and give weight to positive behaviours that are also occurring. This is one reason why simply telling a couple to “stop arguing” is rarely enough. The couple needs opportunities to experience something different. As conflict is reduced, conversations become safer, partners respond to one another more positively, and appreciation and affection are intentionally increased, the overall emotional climate of the relationship can begin to change. Positive interactions can become more noticeable again, and partners may gradually become less likely to automatically interpret one another’s behaviour through the lens of previous hurt. This is consistent with the broader Gottman approach, which places considerable importance on the balance between positive and negative interactions within relationships. Positive interactions do not mean ignoring problems; rather, they help create the emotional foundation from which difficult conversations can be approached more safely and constructively. Moving from interpretation to curiosity One useful skill is learning to pause when you notice yourself making a negative interpretation and ask: “Do I know that this is what my partner meant, or am I interpreting their behaviour based on what has happened between us previously?” This does not mean assuming that your interpretation is wrong. It means creating enough space to check rather than immediately reacting to the meaning you have assigned to your partner’s behaviour. For example: I N S T E A D O F “You obviously don’t care that I’m struggling.” Y O U M I G H T T R Y “When you walked past without asking how I was, I noticed I immediately felt like you didn’t care. Is that what was happening for you?” This creates an opportunity for clarification rather than allowing an assumption to become another point of conflict.

N E G A T I V E S E N T I M E N T O V E R R I D E Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Rebuilding awareness of the positive When couples have been caught in a cycle of conflict, positive behaviours can become easy to overlook. One partner may make an effort that goes unnoticed, offer support that is quickly forgotten, or demonstrate care in ways that no longer stand out because attention has become focused on what is going wrong. This is why intentionally noticing positive behaviours can be helpful. The purpose is not to pretend that difficulties do not exist, minimise legitimate concerns, or force yourself to feel positive about your partner. Instead, the aim is to deliberately broaden your attention so that the relationship is no longer experienced only through the negative interactions. T I P A Daily Appreciation Practice Alongside using the communication skills provided, make a conscious effort each day to notice one or more things your partner does that you appreciate, value or love. These do not need to be large gestures. Y O U M I G H T N O T I C E : your partner making you a coffee taking care of something without being asked checking in with you during the day being patient with the children making an effort to spend time together listening when you have had a difficult day showing affection doing something they know is important to you making an effort to communicate differently simply being there when you needed them. At the end of the day, take a few minutes to share what you noticed with one another. Try to be specific rather than general. I N S T E A D O F “You’re a good partner.” T R Y “I noticed that you took care of dinner tonight when you knew I’d had a difficult day. I really appreciated that.” or: “I noticed you stopped what you were doing and listened when I was talking earlier. It made me feel like what I was saying mattered to you.” The partner receiving the appreciation does not need to explain, minimise or dismiss it. A simple “thank you” is enough. Over time, this practice can help both partners become more aware of the positive qualities, efforts and moments of connection that can easily become overshadowed when a relationship has been caught in a cycle of conflict. R E M E M B E R The aim is not to see your partner through rose-coloured glasses. It is to make sure that the difficult moments are not the only moments you can see.

C O U P L E S T H E R A P Y Meta-Emotions Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com There can be significant differences between partners in the way they experience, understand and respond to emotions. This is common in relationships and does not necessarily mean that one partner is more emotional than the other or that one way of responding is better. Meta-emotions refer to the feelings, thoughts and beliefs we have about emotions themselves. In other words, it is not only “What am I feeling?” but also “How do I feel about having this feeling?” and “What do I believe should happen when emotions arise?” One person may experience sadness, anxiety or anger and feel that talking about it helps them process what is happening and feel connected to their partner. Another person may experience those same emotions and feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed or unsure what to do. They may prefer to focus on solutions, look for something positive, take some time alone, or move on from the difficult feeling rather than spending time discussing it. Neither response is necessarily wrong. However, when partners have very different ways of relating to emotions, the difference itself can become a source of disconnection. In your relationship Moving away In your relationship, one of you may be more comfortable moving away from negative emotions and focusing on positive thoughts or solutions. This may be your way of managing difficult situations or trying to prevent emotions from becoming overwhelming. Talking openly The other may be more comfortable talking openly about emotions and feelings and may experience talking about them as an important part of feeling understood, connected and supported. When these different approaches meet, each partner’s attempt to cope can unintentionally make the other partner feel worse.

M E T A - E M O T I O N S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Partner A may seek emotional connection by talking about what they are feeling. If they receive Partner B’s response of trying to minimise the emotion, focusing immediately on the positive, providing a solution, changing the subject or withdrawing, they may experience this as “You don’t understand,” “You don’t want to hear me,” or “I’m dealing with this on my own.” At the same time, Partner B may experience Partner A’s emotional expression as intense, difficult to resolve or something they do not know how to respond to. They may feel overwhelmed, helpless or concerned that whatever they say will make things worse. This may lead them to withdraw further or try even harder to move the conversation towards a solution. The cycle P A R T N E R A P A R T N E R B 1 Partner A feels distressed 2 Seeks connection and emotional support 3 Partner B feels overwhelmed or unsure what to do 4 Partner A feels more alone or misunderstood 5 Withdraws, minimises or moves to solutions 6 Emotions become stronger 7 Partner A still feels unsupported 8 Feels even more overwhelmed and withdraws further and around again… Over time, both partners can become frustrated with the other’s way of responding to emotions. Understanding the difference It is important to recognise that emotional support does not always mean fixing the problem. When someone shares an emotion, they may first need to feel heard, understood and accompanied in what they are experiencing. Similarly, wanting to reduce emotional intensity or look for a solution does not necessarily mean that a partner does not care. It may be their way of trying to help, regain a sense of control or reduce distress. The difficulty occurs when each person’s preferred way of managing emotion becomes interpreted negatively by the other.

M E T A - E M O T I O N S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com The goal is therefore not to make both partners respond to emotions in exactly the same way. Instead, the goal is to develop enough emotional flexibility that each partner can understand what the other needs and respond in a way that supports the relationship. P R A C T I C E A Weekly Emotional Check-In Set aside time at least once a week to talk about your emotions and how particular situations have affected each of you. Keep the focus on understanding rather than solving. Each partner can take a turn answering: E A C H P A R T N E R ’ S T U R N 1 What has been affecting me emotionally this week? 2 What emotion did I notice? 3 What happened that contributed to that feeling? 4 What did I need at that moment? 5 What would have helped me feel supported? The listening partner’s role is to use the active listening and validation skills provided to understand rather than immediately defend, explain, correct or solve. Finding words for feelings For finding new ways to figure out feelings, Eugene Gendlin’s book, Focusing, is a good resource for becoming more aware of emotions and how to name them. Voicing negative feelings may help to diminish them. People tend to get more “stuck” in negative feelings when they suppress them rather than express them. A U S E F U L R E M I N D E R When your partner is experiencing a strong emotion, you do not necessarily need to remove the emotion. Sometimes your role is simply to stay alongside them while they experience it. Similarly, when you are experiencing a difficult emotion, your partner may not always respond in exactly the way you would. Learning to communicate what you need can help reduce the expectation that your partner should automatically know how to respond. The aim is for both partners to become more comfortable with the idea that there is room for difficult emotions within the relationship.

M O R E E F F E C T I V E C O M M U N I C A T I O N · G O A L 1 Emotional Flooding Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Conflict is de-escalated and emotional flooding is managed. Flooding occurs when you experience a high level of physiological arousal or a fight-or-flight response during a disagreement or when discussing hurt or difficult feelings. When either partner becomes flooded, it can become increasingly difficult to listen, think clearly, communicate effectively or respond in a way that moves the conversation forward. Continuing the conversation while highly activated can therefore cause conflict to escalate rather than resolve. Taking a break It is important that both partners become aware of their own early signs of flooding and agree to take a break from the conversation when either person begins to feel overwhelmed. A break is not about avoiding the conversation, walking away from the issue or trying to have the last word. It is an agreed pause to allow both people to regulate before returning to the discussion. Notice E A R L Y S I G N S Either partner begins to feel overwhelmed 20 min M I N I M U M B R E A K Respect the request; do not pursue the conversation 24 hrs R E S U M E At an agreed time, preferably within 24 hours Calm R E C O N N E C T Both sufficiently calm to engage constructively Partners need to respect each other’s request for a break and avoid pursuing the conversation during this time. The break should be a minimum of 20 minutes, and the conversation should be resumed at an agreed time, preferably within 24 hours, once both partners are sufficiently calm to engage constructively. If either person is still highly activated when the conversation is resumed, agree to take another break and establish a later time to continue.

E M O T I O N A L F L O O D I N G Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com During the break During the break, it is important to actively self-soothe rather than continuing to rehearse the argument, formulate your next response or engage in behaviours that increase your anger or distress. E A C H P E R S O N ’ S R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y develop greater awareness of their own signs of flooding communicate when they need a break remove themselves from the escalating interaction respectfully take steps to regulate their own nervous system Starting softly The way a difficult conversation begins can have a significant influence on how the interaction unfolds. Approaching conversations with a softer start-up, rather than criticism, defensiveness or blame, can help reduce the likelihood of escalation. To support you in recognising and managing flooding, I have provided a relaxation guide, self-regulation worksheet and distress scale to help you identify your level of emotional activation during conversations. S U D S R A T I N G A rating of 4 or above indicates that a break is needed, with the intention of returning to the conversation once you are sufficiently regulated to listen, communicate and respond effectively. R E S O U R C E S Relaxation Guide Communication Skills – Reduce Flooding and Escalation SUDS

Relaxation HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE & CREATE CALM Learn the Simple Methods for Self-Soothing and Reducing Stress

1 Relaxation According to John Gottman’s research, one predictor of relationship quality and stability is a couple’s physiology when discussing a conflict. Heart rate, cortisol levels, and tension are often high for both partners when a relationship is troubled. This creates a feeling of overwhelm and unmanageable stress, which can suppress the immune system. People with chronic relationship stress get sick more easily, and are more likely to leave their relationship than those who learn how to calm and soothe themselves. What Causes Stress? Your body has a general alarm mechanism inherited through evolution from our hominid ancestors.This mechanism is used to mobilize your body so it can effectively cope with emergencies that might injure you. It is called Diffuse Physiological Arousal, or DPA for short. DPA happens very quickly in situations that feel emotionally or physically threatening. Unconscious “fight or flight” patterns kick in, focusing your attention so acutely that you often experience tunnel vision and hearing.Your heart rate surges, adrenaline and blood pressure rise, and the blood flow to your gut and kidneys slows down. Why is This Important? These physiological changes make it much harder to problem solve. DPA allows us to only hear and see signals of danger and nothing else. We are then likely to verbally attack or be defensive. Empathy and creative thinking fly out the window, along with our positive communication skills.

2 Pursuing, Distancing, and Flooding Often one partner brings up an issue to try and resolve a problem that’s creating emotional distance. The other partner either doesn’t want to talk about it, or thinks there really isn’t a problem. If the issue is raised too negatively, the receiving partner flees the conversation or winds up escalating the conflict and rejecting all input from the speaker. The interaction gets progressively worse and leads one or both people to become “flooded” with DPA. When we flood or move into DPA, it feels like our partner’s complaints come out of nowhere; the negativity is very upsetting and disorienting. Our partner’s needs suddenly seem like a list of impossible, impractical, and unreasonable demands that we can’t meet. We would like nothing more than get it all to stop and go away. In this state, we can’t listen; healthy conflict resolution is physically and emotionally unreachable. Why is Relaxed Physiology Crucial? Just as aerobic fitness requires an ideal heart rate, so does healthy personal interaction. When discussing conflict, heart rate should be well below 100 beats per minute. Any more, and flooding can occur. Restoring calm in themselves and in one another helps couples make the relationship a safe harbor instead of a source of stress. Flooding leads people to reject incoming information. Being soothed allows them to accept information.

3 Ideally, physiological soothing should be associated with the presence and voice of your partner. This reverses the “need to escape” feeling that usually results in flooding. To accomplish this, we recommend that during non-conflict times, you consider taking turns using the Five Secrets below to soothe one another. The Nature of a Good Break When one member of a couple is flooded, partners should briefly separate in order to calm down. Before separating, it’s essential for partners to agree on a time to get back together to continue the discussion. For a break to be effective: • It must be at least twenty minutes long. Why? Because norepinephrine, the main sympathetic neurotransmitter, doesn’t have an enzyme to degrade it, so it must be diffused through blood. This takes twenty minutes or more in the cardiovascular system. • It cannot involve “distress maintaining” thoughts, like, “I don’t have to take this,” or, “What a jerk, I’ll show him.” • It must involve a truly relaxing activity, such as listening to calming music or taking a walk around the block.

4 The Five Secrets to Calming Yourself 1. Get control of your breathing. When you are flooded, you will find yourself either holding your breath or breathing shallowly. Sit or lie down comfortably. Alter your breathing by taking deep, regular, even breaths. Take your time inhaling and exhaling. 2. Find areas of muscle tension in your body. First, tense each group of muscles and then relax them. Start with your legs, then move up to your back, arms, shoulders, neck, and face, focusing especially on your jaw and forehead. 3. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group and feel its heaviness. 4. Let the tension flow out of each muscle group and feel its warmth. 5. Focus your attention on one calming vision or idea. Try imagining a very comforting place, like a forest or a beach.Visualize this place as vividly as you can as you calmly breathe. Remember to: • Breathe deeply and evenly from the belly. • Tense specific muscle groups, hold the tension, then relax. • Feel the natural heaviness in your relaxed muscles. • Feel the warmth in your relaxed muscles. • Imagine a soothing visual image.

5 RELAXATION EXERCISE Instructions: Couples can either use this exercise to self-soothe by reading the text below to themselves, or read to one another while the listener follows along and relaxes. If you are doing this exercise with your partner, the reader should keep his or her voice relaxed and even, speaking in a soothing monotone. Be sensitive to facial expressions that may indicate the listener’s discomfort, and respond to these cues, trying to make the listener as comfortable as possible. Over time make these instructions more personal. Speak SLOWLY and EVENLY. 1. Find a nice comfortable place to sit with your feet resting flat on the floor and your back supported by a back rest either on a coach or chair. 2. Turn off any noise or distractions in the room, such as a television, radio, or cell phone. 3. Close your eyes if it is comfortable for you. 4. Please hold the tension in each part of your body for at least 10 seconds before releasing.

6 The first thing you need to do is to focus on your breathing. Put your hand on your belly and as you take a nice deep breath in, push your hand out with your belly as if your belly was a balloon filling up with air. Then, as you exhale, push your hand back down against your belly and feel your belly deflating. Take another nice deep breath in and push your hand out. Then, as you exhale push your hand back down against your belly. Every time you take a nice deep breath in, just feel your hand goes out as your stomach expands, and then as you exhale, gently pushing against your stomach as the breath leaves your body. Continue to breathe this way. Take another nice deep breath in and exhale, another and exhale, and then a last nice, deep breath in and exhale. Now, as you continue to breathe normally, you should be sitting either on a sofa or in a chair. Lift your left leg up straight in front of you, pull your toe up towards your knee, and tense all the muscles in your left leg. Feel them tense, including your quadriceps and your calf muscles, and now release your leg and drop your leg back down. Take another nice deep breath in. That’s it, good. Now, do the same with your right leg. Raise your right leg straight ahead of you. Pull your toe up towards your knee flexing your foot, and tighten all the muscles in your right leg. Feel really, really tight in your calves and quadriceps, hold it and then release your leg back down. Relax both legs and take another nice deep breath in.

7 Next, move to your lower back. Arch your lower back by pushing your belly out towards the opposite wall and pulling your shoulders back. Create a nice arch in your back and feel the tension in your lower back—feel it tighten. Now, release that tension and allow your back to rest against the back of your chair or sofa. And just relax. Let that chair really support you. The next step is to raise both arms straight ahead of you and tense all the muscles in your arms by first clenching your fists really tightly, both fists. Then, stretch your fingers out towards the opposite wall, reaching for that opposite wall with all your strength. Good. Now, drop your arms back down to your lap. Take another nice deep breath in. Good.

8 Now, raise your shoulders up, shrugging your shoulders way up towards your ears. Higher, higher; this is where you are holding lots and lots of pressure and burdens. Feel those shoulders lifting even higher and now drop your shoulders and circle them first in one direction, and then circle them in the opposite direction. And just feel the relaxation in your shoulders as you take another nice deep breath in. Now move to the lower jaw. Clench your teeth tightly together, very tight, that’s it—that’s where we all hold lots of frustration. And now release, circling your lower jaw first one direction, and then the other direction. Good. Now, relax your jaw and simply drop your head to the side so that you are moving your right ear towards your right shoulder—giving your neck some stretch. That’s good, and now straighten your head up and drop the left ear towards the left shoulder. Stretch the other side of your neck now. That’s it. And now, return your head to a straight up position up and just relax your head now. Take a nice deep breath in.

9 And, finally, close your eyes, squeeze them tightly shut—as if you are shutting out the world and saying “no”—tight, tight. Very good. And now, simply relax your eyes, keeping your eyes lightly closed. Take another nice deep breath in, and imagine yourself under a warm waterfall. The water is pouring down over your head and body and rinsing away any remaining stress, any remaining tension in every little nook and cranny of your body. The water is flowing down, carrying all the remaining tension in your body down towards the earth, down over your head, down over your shoulders, down over your arms and the trunk of your body, down through your legs, down through your feet and down into the earth.You are feeling very warm, relaxed, and comfortable. Take another nice deep breath in. That’s it. Now imagine yourself going to a place where you feel completely at peace. It might be a place outside, or perhaps one that’s inside. It’s a place where you can be completely safe, where it’s beautiful, where it’s quiet, where it really feels like a sanctuary—where you can feel completely at peace. Notice the colors, the shapes in this place. Look around you—see what’s in this place around you. Listen for any sounds that might be there in this place—are there any sounds? Feel the air on your skin. Does it feel warm or does it feel cool?

10 What feels best to you? Allow yourself to savor every bit of this experience—is there a fragrance in this place? Enjoy every aspect of this place. This is your sanctuary; this is your special place where you can always take yourself.You are going deep inside, following your breath, and letting yourself be completely relaxed and comfortable and at peace. Just enjoy now. And, when you are ready, you can come back to the place where you are now sitting. Slowly, when you feel ready, open your eyes, look around you and return to the here and now.

11 Relaxation O T H E R G O T T M A N R E L AT I O N S H I P G U I D E S : Small Things Often How to be a Great Listener Aftermath of a Fight Fondness & Admiration Avoid The Four Horsemen ©2017 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. gottman.com

R E D U C E F L O O D I N G A N D E S C A L A T I O N Fair Fighting Rules Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com 1 Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you angry because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument. 2 Discuss one topic at a time. Don’t let “You left dishes in the sink” turn into “You watch too much TV.” Discussions that get off-topic are more likely to get heated, and less likely to solve the original problem. Choose one topic and stick to it. 3 No degrading language. Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. Doing so leads to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten. 4 Express your feelings with words. “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” Structure your sentences as “I” statements (“I feel emotion when event”) to express how you feel while taking responsibility for your emotions. However, starting with “I” does not give a license to ignore the other fair fighting rules. 5 Take turns speaking. Give your full attention while your partner speaks. Avoid making corrections or thinking about what you want to say. Your only job is to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. If you find it difficult to not interrupt, try setting a timer allowing 1-2 minutes for each person to speak without interruption. 6 No stonewalling. Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later. 7 No yelling. Yelling does not help anyone see your point of view. Instead, it sends the message that only your words matter. Even if yelling intimidates your partner into giving up, the underlying problem only grows worse. 8 Take a time-out if things get too heated. In a perfect world, we would all follow these rules 100% of the time... but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down. © 2020 Therapist Aid LLC · Provided by TherapistAid.com

S U D S · D I S T R E S S S C A L E Rating Your Distress Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com 10 Unbearably upset to the point that you cannot function and may be on the verge of a breakdown 9 Extremely anxious and desperate, helpless and unable to handle it 8 Worried and panicky, losing focus and feeling anxious in the body 7 Discomfort dominates your thoughts and you struggle to function normally 6 Moderate to strong levels of discomfort 5 Upset and uncomfortable; still functional 4 Mild to moderate anxiety and worry 3 Worried or upset; still able to function 2 A little bit sad or distressed 1 No distress, alert and focussed 0 Peace and complete calm A RATING OF 4 OR ABOVE: TAKE A BREAK

M O R E E F F E C T I V E C O M M U N I C A T I O N · G O A L 1 The Four Horsemen Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Thoughts and feelings are expressed calmly, respectfully and gently. When couples have been experiencing repeated conflict, it is common for conversations to become increasingly reactive. Hurt, frustration and disappointment can quickly turn into criticism, blame, defensiveness or withdrawal. Once this pattern becomes established, even a relatively small issue can trigger a much bigger argument because each partner is responding not only to what is being said in the moment, but also to the history of unresolved hurt and previous interactions. To create healthier conversations, both partners need to practise expressing their thoughts, concerns and feelings in a way that allows the other person to hear what is being said without immediately feeling attacked or needing to defend themselves. The Four Horsemen The Gottman Method describes four patterns that are particularly damaging to relationships and are often referred to as the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. C R I T I C I S M P R A C T I S E I N S T E A D Focus on the specific behaviour; share the feeling or need C O N T E M P T P R A C T I S E I N S T E A D Express frustration with respect: you are on the same team D E F E N S I V E N E S S P R A C T I S E I N S T E A D Listen, and acknowledge even a small part of their experience S T O N E W A L L I N G P R A C T I S E I N S T E A D Take an agreed, respectful break, then return Criticism Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than raising a specific concern about their behaviour. For example, “You never care about what I need” or “You’re so selfish.” A softer approach focuses on the specific behaviour and communicates the underlying feeling or need instead: “I felt hurt when you didn’t check in with me. I really needed to feel like I was being considered.” Contempt Contempt communicates superiority, disrespect or a lack of regard for your partner. It can appear through sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling or belittling. Contempt is particularly damaging because it communicates that your partner is beneath you rather than someone whose feelings and perspective matter. The alternative is to practise expressing frustration while maintaining respect and remembering that you are both on the same team.

T H E F O U R H O R S E M E N Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Defensiveness Defensiveness often occurs when we feel blamed, criticised or misunderstood. It can involve making excuses, counter-attacking, bringing up your partner’s mistakes or refusing to take any responsibility for your part in the situation. Although defensiveness can feel protective in the moment, it often prevents the original concern from being heard and causes the conversation to become a cycle of blame. Instead, practise listening for what your partner is trying to communicate and consider whether there is even a small part of their experience that you can acknowledge or take responsibility for. Stonewalling Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction and becomes emotionally or physically unavailable. This may involve silence, refusing to respond, leaving without explaining when they will return, or appearing disengaged from the conversation. Stonewalling can occur when someone is overwhelmed or flooded, which is why taking an agreed and respectful break is very different from simply shutting down or abandoning the conversation. When a break is needed, communicate this clearly, reassure your partner that you intend to return to the conversation, and follow through on the agreed time. Avoiding the Four Horsemen does not mean that you cannot be angry, disappointed, upset or strongly disagree with your partner. Healthy communication is not about removing difficult emotions; it is about learning to communicate those emotions without attacking, disrespecting, blaming or withdrawing from one another. The soft start-up This is where the soft start-up becomes particularly important. Instead of beginning a difficult conversation with criticism, accusation or blame, start with a specific issue, describe your experience and communicate what you need. Using “I” statements can help you take responsibility for your own feelings while making it easier for your partner to understand what is happening for you. For example, rather than: R A T H E R T H A N “You never listen to me. You don’t care what I have to say.” T R Y “I’ve been feeling unheard lately, and I’d really like us to slow down and have a conversation where we can both listen to each other.” The second approach does not guarantee that your partner will agree or respond perfectly, but it changes the starting point of the conversation. Instead of placing your partner in a position where they immediately need to defend themselves, it gives them more opportunity to understand your experience and respond to the underlying issue.

T H E F O U R H O R S E M E N Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Why this change works The goal is to change the pattern between you, rather than simply teaching you to use nicer words. When one partner approaches a conversation with criticism, the other is more likely to feel attacked and become defensive. Defensiveness can then lead to further criticism, contempt or withdrawal, creating a cycle in which neither person feels heard or understood. The more this happens, the more quickly couples can become activated and flooded. A softer start-up interrupts this cycle at the beginning. When concerns are expressed with greater respect, specificity and gentleness, there is less threat in the interaction and a greater opportunity for both partners to remain emotionally regulated, listen to one another and respond to the underlying need rather than simply reacting to the delivery. This also connects closely with the previous goal of managing emotional flooding. When conversations begin more gently, they are less likely to escalate rapidly; when flooding is recognised and managed, both partners are better able to communicate calmly and listen effectively. Over time, practising these changes can help create a different pattern of interaction in which difficult conversations become opportunities for understanding and problem-solving rather than another experience of attack and defence. I have provided you with a Soft Start-Up and Four Horsemen guide outlining what to avoid and what to practise instead. Please read through the guide together and use these principles during everyday conversations, particularly when discussing issues that have previously resulted in conflict. The aim is not to communicate perfectly, but to notice the old patterns more quickly and practise responding differently. R E S O U R C E Avoid the Four Horsemen

AVOID THE Four Horsemen FOR BETTER RELATIONSHIPS Learn How to Prevent Criticism • Defensiveness • Contempt • Stonewalling

1 The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse How well a couple communicates not only predicts how a particular discussion will go, but also sets the tone for their entire relationship. When partners speak respectfully to each other they increase understanding, trust and positive connection. When couples speak to each other in negative ways, frustration, conflict and distance follow. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that not all negative interactions are equally corrosive. He found that certain types of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are in fact so lethal that they lead to relationship dissolution. He named these negative ways of interacting the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It is important to note that no one and no couple is perfect; even happy couples sometimes find the Four Horsemen clip-clopping into their relationship. The difference is that happy couples recognize the Four Horsemen and do their best to avoid them. The following pages describe each of the Four Horsemen and alternative positive ways of interacting, called “antidotes.”

2

3 CRITICISM Horseman No. 1 Criticism involves bringing up an issue in a way that focuses on your partner’s character or personality flaws rather than on what you would like them to do differently. Criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner, that he or she is defective. This may include blame, name-calling and a general character assassination. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Remember, a criticism is an attack. Here is an example to help you distinguish between the two: Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish!” Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

4 The antidote to criticism is to use a gentle start up to ask your partner to change their behavior in some specific way. Steps for a Gentle Start Up 1. I Feel... Begin statements with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame. State how you feel. Example: “I feel upset . . . ” 2. About What... Describe the situation and not your partner. Example: “I feel upset that dirty dishes are left out on the counter.” 3. I Need... Let your partner know what you want (versus what you don’t want.) If you could wave a magic wand and get what you need, what would things be like? Instead of hoping your partner will guess what you need, or read your mind, tell him or her specifically what you would like. Example: “I feel upset that dirty dishes are left out on the counter. I would appreciate it if you would please clean the kitchen each night before going to bed.” Antidote to Criticism: Use a Gentle Start-up and Ask for Specific Behavior Change

5 4. Be Polite Make requests politely, adding phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if...” 5. Give appreciations. Notice what your partner is doing right and tell him or her. If your partner has done what you wanted in the past, state that you appreciated it and ask if he or she would be willing to do it again. Examples of Criticism: “You’re such an idiot.” “What’s wrong with you?” “You never clean up after yourself.” “Why are you so lazy? I’ve told you a thousand times to clean up!” “This house is a pigsty.You’re such a slob.” Antidote: “It felt so great to wake up to a clean kitchen last Friday and I would really appreciate it if you would please clean up the kitchen each night before going to bed.”

7 6 Your partner complains that you spend too much time on your phone. Example of Criticism: “You’re always looking at your phone during dinner and never pay attention to me.You’re so rude.” Antidote: Gentle Start-up: “I feel hurt and excluded when you’re looking at your phone during dinner. I would appreciate it if you would please put your phone away and spend time talking with me. I look forward to talking and connecting with you when we eat together.”

7 DEFENSIVENESS Horseman No. 2 Defensiveness is an attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized. Research shows that defensiveness rarely has the desired effect of improving the situation. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so destructive. There are two was to be defensive: to counter- attack or to whine (playing the innocent victim). Some people can do both at the same time.

8 The antidote to defensiveness is to take some responsibility for even a small part of the problem. By doing this, you can quickly reduce tension and prevent conflict from escalating. This helps your partner feel heard and understood. Examples of Defensiveness: Your partner complains that you lose track of time and are often late. Criticism: “I am really tired of you losing track of time and being late.You’re always late!” Defensive Counter-attack: “You’re just too uptight. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m never that late. Besides, you were the one who was late last night.” Defensive Innocent Victim: “I wasn’t late on purpose.You’re always picking on me. No matter when I get there, it’s never early enough. I can’t do anything right to please you.” Antidote: “You’re right, I’m sorry for being late tonight. I’ll try harder to be more aware of the time.” Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility

9 CONTEMPT Horseman No. 3 To be contemptuous is to put your partner down or to speak with scorn. It happens when you feel and act superior. It’s putting oneself on a higher plane, looking down from a position of authority with an attitude of, “I’m better/smarter/neater/cleaner/ more punctual, etc. than you.” Contempt stems from a negative habit of mind, in which you scan the environment looking for your partner’s mistakes, rather than what you can appreciate about him or her. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt, and so is name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen and is poisonous to a relationship. It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict. Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, flu, and so on) than other people. Contempt is the single best predictor of relationship dissolution.

10 Underneath contempt is a desire, need, or want. Relationships become contemptuous when these needs are not met over time. The antidote to contempt is to describe your own feelings and needs by using “I” statements. (For examples, see “Steps for a Gentle Start Up” in the Criticism section “I Feel....”, “About What...”, “I Need...”) on page 4. Building a culture of appreciation is the all-encompassing antidote to contempt. When you feel valued and appreciated you are able to access positive feelings for your partner and are less likely to act contemptuous when you have a difference of opinion. Antidote to Contempt: Describe Your Feelings and Needs: Build a Culture of Appreciation

11 Building a Culture of Appreciation Includes: 1. Expressing Appreciation: “I appreciate your warm welcoming hugs when I come home from work each day.” 2. Expressing Thanks: “Thank you for all you do for our kids.They are really lucky to have you as their parent.” 3. Expressing Fondness & Admiration: “I am so proud to have you as my partner. Last night at the dinner party your enthusiasm was contagious.” Example: Your partner criticizes that spending is out of control. Contempt: “There you go again.Your reckless, irresponsible spending once again maxed out our credit card limit.You’re out of control! All you think about is yourself. I’ve made so many sacrifices for this family. I saved money this month, why couldn’t you? What have you done to contribute to this household?” Antidote: “I feel frustrated about our finances and the amount we spend versus how much we save each month. I would like to have an agreement about a monthly budget and how much we can save each month.”

12 STONEWALLING Horseman No. 4 Stonewalling occurs when you withdraw from the interaction while staying physically present. Essentially, this means not giving cues that you’re listening or paying attention; for instance, by avoiding eye contact and crossing your arms. The pattern goes like this: The more you feel criticized, the more you turn away. The more you turn away (give cues to the speaker that you are not paying attention), the more your partner attacks. You feel your heart rate climbing and you’re afraid to say anything for fear of making things worse; however, by withdrawing and turning away from your partner you perpetuate a negative spiral in your relationship and the issue remains unresolved. In addition, research shows that stonewalling elevates your heart rate and releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. When this happens, it is nearly impossible to listen, think creatively and solve the problem constructively.

13 The antidote to stonewalling is to take a self-soothing break for at least 20 minutes and then re-engage with your partner when you feel calmer and are able to constructively express your views. Example: Stonewalling: Imagine coming home from work and being met with a barrage of critical statements and demands such as, “You’re late again” and, “You forgot to bring home groceries.”You think to yourself, “This is never going to end. I don’t need this. If I tell her what I think, she’ll really explode. It’s not worth it. If I say anything it will just make it worse. Just keep your mouth shut.” Antidote: Self-soothe.You recognize that you can’t think clearly, are getting stressed, and you need to calm down.You tell your partner that you need a break and will be back in a half an hour to discuss the issue. After taking a break in which you avoid negative thoughts and do something stress-reducing, like taking a walk or playing your favorite music, return and listen to your partner’s concerns.This time, your partner is careful to bring up the topic in a gentle way and you engage in a constructive discussion. Antidote to Stonewalling Self-Soothing Break; Then Re-connect

15 14 Additional Resources: 1. Gottman Blog series on the Four Horsemen. http://www.gottman.com 2. Relaxation Guide. Provides clear instructions on how to relax when taking a self-soothing break as an antidote to Stonewalling.

O T H E R G O T T M A N R E L AT I O N S H I P G U I D E S : Relaxation Small Things Often How to be a Great Listener Aftermath of a Fight Fondness & Admiration Avoid the Four Horsemen ©2017 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. gottman.com

M O R E E F F E C T I V E C O M M U N I C A T I O N · G O A L 1 Active Listening Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Both partners listen to understand rather than to respond or defend. For a speaker to feel genuinely heard and for the listener to develop a fuller understanding of their partner’s perspective and feelings, active listening is needed. This involves going beyond simply hearing the words being spoken and becoming curious about the experience, meaning and emotions underneath those words. In difficult conversations, it is very common to listen while simultaneously preparing a response. You may be thinking about how to explain your own position, defend yourself against what has been said, correct something you believe is inaccurate, or prepare evidence for why your partner is wrong. Although you may be hearing the words, your attention is no longer fully focused on understanding what your partner is trying to communicate. This can create a cycle where both partners feel unheard. The speaker may continue explaining, repeating themselves or becoming increasingly frustrated because they do not feel understood. The listener may then become frustrated because they feel that nothing they say is being heard either. The conversation can quickly move away from understanding and towards proving who is right. Listening to understand L I S T E N I N G T O R E P L Y Preparing a response, defending, correcting or proving who is right L I S T E N I N G T O U N D E R S T A N D Putting your response aside and becoming curious about your partner’s experience Listening to understand means temporarily putting your own response aside and becoming curious about your partner’s experience. The aim is not to agree with everything your partner says, nor does understanding their perspective mean accepting that their interpretation is necessarily the same as your own. You can understand why your partner feels hurt, frightened, disappointed or angry without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions about the situation. A useful question for the listener to ask themselves is: “What is my partner trying to help me understand?”

A C T I V E L I S T E N I N G Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Rather than immediately responding, correcting or defending, the listener can reflect back what they have heard and check whether they have understood correctly. For example: “So what I’m hearing is that when I did that, you felt dismissed and unimportant. Have I understood that correctly?” The speaker then has an opportunity to clarify, correct or add to what has been understood. This helps prevent each person from assuming they already know what the other person means. Speaker shares Listener reflects back what they heard Speaker clarifies, corrects or adds and around again… Active listening also involves paying attention to more than the content of the conversation. Tone of voice, facial expression, body language and emotional cues can provide important information about what your partner may be experiencing. Sometimes what appears to be anger may have hurt, fear, disappointment or a longing for reassurance underneath it. Why this change works When people feel that they are not being heard, they often increase the intensity of their communication. They may repeat themselves, speak louder, become more critical or provide more detail in an attempt to finally get their message across. This can unintentionally increase the other person’s defensiveness and contribute to the negative cycle between them. Active listening interrupts this pattern by creating an experience of being heard before being responded to.

A C T I V E L I S T E N I N G Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com When your partner experiences you as genuinely trying to understand rather than immediately defend yourself, they are more likely to feel emotionally safe enough to communicate openly. When the listener understands the experience underneath the words, they are also better positioned to respond to the actual issue rather than reacting only to the surface of the argument. This is particularly important when there has been a history of conflict, hurt or disconnection. Couples can begin to anticipate the same old response from one another and enter conversations already prepared for criticism, defence or withdrawal. Learning to listen differently provides an opportunity to create a different interaction. The goal is not for one partner to become the better listener while the other continues to speak. Both partners need to develop the ability to listen and both need to experience being listened to. Over time, this can help shift conversations away from defending individual positions and towards greater understanding, empathy and connection. To support you in developing this skill, I have provided you with an Active Listening Guide and worksheet. Please work through these resources and practise the skills during everyday conversations, not only when there is conflict. The more familiar active listening becomes during calmer interactions, the easier it is to draw on these skills when conversations become emotionally difficult. R E M E M B E R The aim is not to listen perfectly. It is to become more aware of the difference between listening to reply and listening to understand, and to practise choosing understanding more often. R E S O U R C E S How to be a Great Listener Guide Communication Skill – Active Listening

Learn the Art of Listening to Create Intimate Conversation, Trust, and Love HOW TO BE A Great Listener

How to be a Great Listener Building love and trust involves really listening to our partners, which is not as easy as it sounds. Asking the right questions, empathizing, and making someone feel understood are skills that can dramatically increase intimacy in any relationship. To help you learn how to do this, we recommend that you periodically take your partner’s emotional temperature. You’ll ask, among other things, “How are you doing, baby?” not out of politeness, but because you really want to know. How often is “periodically?” Schedule these times at first, and soon it will come naturally. Try it once a day to start. STEP 1 PREPARE YOURSELF • Shift the focus away from yourself. • Postpone your own agenda for a while. • It’s not about being interesting, it’s about being INTERESTED —genuinely—in the other person. • Tune into your partner’s world. • Hear your partner’s pain, even if you don’t agree with the details. • Try to see your partner’s world from her or his perspective, not your own. Pretend you are doing Mr. Spock’s Vulcan Mind Meld (from Star Trek). 1

STEP 2 ATTUNE That means it’s your job as a listener to be “present” with your partner. Do not minimize your partner’s feelings. When you listen, do not take responsibility for your partner’s feelings. Do not try to make your partner feel better. Do not try to cheer your partner up. Just tune in to how your partner is feeling. Your goal is just to understand. DO: • Ask questions. Really listen to the answers. • Follow up on the answers you get. (See pp. 9-12.) • Ask open-ended questions (i.e., questions that can’t be answered with a yes or no). These open the heart. • Avoid judgment. • Avoid giving advice until you fully understand or it has been asked for. Make exploratory statements that help you understand, like, “Tell me the story of that.” (See pp. 13.) • Communicate respect. • Communicate understanding and empathy. • Breathe. Breathe again. Self-soothe. DON’T: • Be critical. • Be judgmental. • Be defensive. • Engage in put downs or superiority. 2

STEP 3 REFLECT BACK WHAT YOU HEAR A big part of listening is witnessing. That means you listen so your partner doesn’t feel so alone. A powerful way to witness and to “be there” for your partner is to repeat back in your own words what you have heard your partner saying, and then communicate validation. You can say something like, “I hear that you’re saying…..(fill in the blank with your own words)…and it makes sense to me why you would feel that way, because…(fill in the blank with your own words).” For example, you might witness your partner’s sadness like this: “I hear you saying that it gets worse at night, and that you really miss the times we used to go out for Chinese food and a movie. I do understand that. I miss those times, too.” Don’t offer a suggestion, problem-solving or advice. Or, for example, you might witness your partner’s anger by saying, “I hear you saying that my sister can be hostile and mean. I’ve seen that in her myself at times. I totally understand why she made you mad last week. She’s gotten my goat many times in the past.” 3

ADVANCED LISTENING SKILLS 1. Read between the lines. To be an even better listener, listen also to HOW your partner is saying things, not just to WHAT he or she is saying. For example, people sometimes speak in metaphors, sort of like poetry. They may say things like, “This apartment is becoming my prison,” or, “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing on the platform.” Tune into those ways of talking. Use them as you reflect back to your partner what you heard. Convey understanding. What can you say? See the italics below. “This apartment is becoming my prison.” Wow, sounds like you really feel trapped. Is that right? Am I getting it? “I feel like the train has left and I’m still standing on the platform.” So you feel like the world is passing you by, and your own life is at a standstill. Is that right? That must be a terrible feeling to have. 4

2. Have regular stress reducing conversations. Find out who or what is stressing your partner. Know who the main people are in your partner’s life. Learn their names. Find out what the good things are in your partner’s life. Do these right away. Be understanding. Give empathy. Do not problem solve or give advice unless it is genuinely asked for. Words of understanding MUST precede any words of advice. ALWAYS. 3. Just be there and listen. Don’t take responsibility for your partner’s feelings. You don’t need to do anything to be “helpful.” Within each negative emotion there is a longing. Try to understand the longing. Listening to Anger A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s anger is taking it personally. When we hear feelings we don’t like we often try to change them. For example, we hear anger and our response is to immediately apologize. But don’t rush into apology before you understand the nature of the anger. Don’t be afraid of your partner’s anger, even if it is about you. Avoid changing the subject or getting defensive. Avoid getting angry back. Also avoid trying to cheer up your partner or to make them laugh. Instead, try to understand what the anger is about. Say, “Talk to me. I want to hear more about how you feel so I can understand it.” 5

At times anger arises from a sense of unfairness. It can also arise from the unavailability of someone your partner needs to be close to (like you). All anger is composed of two things: (1) a goal, and (2) something blocking that goal. Find out what these two things are. What’s the goal? What’s preventing getting to the goal? Ask questions like: 1. What are your concerns? (This is one of our favorite questions.) 2. What’s happened recently that has made you feel so angry? 3. What do you need? 4. What can I do to be helpful to you? If the anger is about YOU, listen and start by taking some responsibility even for a small part of the problem. AVOID BECOMING DEFENSIVE. AVOID COUNTER-ATTACKING. Someone can be angry with you and it can be an opportunity for understanding and getting closer. Treat the anger with respect. Take it seriously and just try to understand it, even if you don’t agree with it. Listening to Sadness or Crying A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s feelings is to try to change them. We hear sadness, for example, and want to try and cheer up our partner or to make them laugh. Avoid doing this. Instead, find out what is lost or missing from the person who is sad. Try to understand what the sadness or the tears are about. Say, “Talk to me, honey. I want to hear 6

more about how you feel so I can understand it.” Avoid giving solutions, like, “Why don’t you just call up your sister and spend the day with her?” Don’t be afraid of sadness. Just try to understand it. You are a traveler and your partner is the tour guide into his or her unique landscape of sadness. Let you partner describe how that feels. Listening to Fear Everyone develops their own intuitive sense of safety in the world. Although you may not agree with their reasoning, something is making a fearful person feel unsafe. What is it? A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s fear is to minimize it by being reassuring. To the fearful person, that can seem like ridiculing a legitimate concern. It has been shown that ignoring a gut feeling that something isn’t right can lead to trouble down the road. We need to listen to fear instead of dismissing our feelings. The gift of fear can keep us safe. So find out: 1. What are your concerns? 2. What’s happened recently that has made you feel unsafe? 3. What do you need to feel safe? 4. What can I do to be helpful to you? If the fear is about YOU, listen and start by taking some responsibility for even a small part of the problem. AVOID BECOMING DEFENSIVE. AVOID COUNTER-ATTACKING. For example, if your partner says, “I get scared when you yell at me,” don’t say , “I wouldn’t have to yell if you just listened to me!” Instead say, “Yes, I’m sorry. I know I can get pretty loud sometimes. I will try to watch that.” 7

Avoid dismissing fear or trying to change it. We hear fear, for example, and our response is to try to say something like, “Don’t be silly. There’s nothing at all to be afraid of” or “Why don’t you just turn on all the lights if you’re afraid of the dark?” That doesn’t reassure anyone. Instead try to understand what the fear is about. Say, “Talk to me. I want to hear more about how you feel so I can understand it.” 4. Self-Disclose. DON’T STAY HIDDEN or INVISIBLE. Be authentic. Don’t avoid talking about your reality as an act of kindness or to protect your partner. Your partner wants to know you, to be a part of your life. So how do you do that? Talk about your day or week. Who are the cast of characters in your life? What are their nicknames? How do you feel about each of them? What is daily life like for you? What are you enjoying? What is stressful for you? What are you struggling with? Open your inner heart to your partner. What kinds of feelings are you having? Every feeling has inside it a LONGING, a desire, a wish. So, feelings contain a kind of recipe for what you might need from your partner. Tell your partner what you need from her/him right now. Ask for what you need. Do not think you’re burdening your partner by expressing your needs. You are giving him or her a chance to shine for you! And do not go outside the relationship to get your love needs met, thinking this will unburden the relationship. This almost always backfires. 8

Questions You Can Ask As You Listen 1. What are you feeling? 2. What else are you feeling? 3. What are your primary needs here? 4. What do you really wish for? 5. How did this all evolve? 6. Who are the main characters in these feelings you’re talking about? 7. What would you really like to say here, and to whom? 8. What are the feelings here you are afraid to even think about? 9. Do you have any mixed feelings here? What are they? 10. What are your choices as you see them? 11. What are the positive and negative aspects of each of your choices? 12. Do you think this has affected our relationship (or another relationship). If so, how? 13. Is there some way you wish you could have done things differently? How so? 14. What are your obligations (or duties) here? 15. Do you have a choice to make? 16. What would you really like to ask of me? 17. What do your values tell you about all this? 18. Think of someone you really admire. What would he or she do and how would he or she view this situation? 19. Do these feelings and needs have any spiritual, moral, ethical, or religious meaning for you? 20. Is there anyone or anything you disapprove of here? 9

21. Is there anything or anyone you admire here? 22. Is there anything you’ve learned from this? 23. Who is going to be most affected here? How will they be affected? Why? 24. Does this remind you of anything else in your personal history? 25. What meaning does this have for you to bring this up now? 26. How does this affect your identity, your idea of yourself? 27. How does this situation touch you? 28. How does this situation change you? 29. How have you changed or how are you changing now, and how has that affected this situation? 30. How did this all begin, what was the very start? 31. What’s your major reaction or complaint here? 32. Who do you think is most at fault here? 33. How do you think things would be resolved in the next five years? 34. How do you wish things would be resolved in the next five years? 35. Pretend that you only had only six more months to live. What would be most important to you then? 36. What are your goals here? 37. How are you thinking about how all of this fits into your life as a whole? 38. What, if anything, makes you angry in this situation? 39. What are the “shoulds” here? (Like, what should you take responsibility for?) 40. What is your biggest “turn off” about this? 41. Are there parts of yourself that are in conflict? 10

Express Empathy and Understanding As You Listen 1. You’re making total sense. 2. I understand how you feel. 3. You must feel so hopeless. 4. I just feel such despair in you when you talk about this. 5. You’re in a tough spot here. 6. I can feel the pain you feel. 7. The world needs to stop when you’re in this much pain. 8. I wish you didn’t have to go through that. 9. I’m on your side here. 10. I wish I could have been with you in that moment. 11. Oh, wow, that sounds terrible. 12. You must feel so helpless. 13. That hurts me to hear that. 14. I support your position here. 15. I totally agree with you. 16. You are feeling so trapped! 17. You are making total sense. 18. That sounds like you felt really disgusted! 19. No wonder you’re upset. 20. I’d feel the same way you do in your situation. 21. I think you’re right. 22. I see. Let me summarize: What you’re thinking here is… 11

23. You are in a lot of pain here. I can feel it. 24. It would be great to be free of this. 25. That must have annoyed you. 26. That would make me mad, too. 27. That sounds infuriating. 28. That sounds very frustrating. 29. That is very scary. 30. Well I agree with most of what you’re saying. 31. I would have also been disappointed by that. 32. That would have hurt my feelings also. 33. That would make me sad too. 34. POOR BABY!!! 35. Wow! That must have hurt. 36. I understand what you are feeling. 37. You are making a lot of sense to me. 38. Okay, I think I get it. So what you are feeling is… 39. Let me try to paraphrase and summarize what you’re saying. You’re saying…. 40. I would have trouble coping with that. 41. What I admire most about what you’re doing is… 42. That would make me feel insecure. 43. That sounds a little frightening. 44. Tell me what you see as your choices here. 12

Statements to Explore Feelings and Needs As You Listen 1. Tell me the story of that. 2. I want to know everything you’re feeling. 3. Talk to me. I am listening. 4. Nothing is more important to me right now than listening to you. 5. We have lots of time to talk. 6. Tell me your major priorities here. 7. Tell me what you need right now. 8. Tell me what you think your choices are. 9. It’s okay not to know what to do here, but what’s your guess? 10. I think you’re being very clear. Go on. 11. Tell me all of your feelings here. 12. Help me understand your feelings a little better. Say more. 13. I think that you have already thought of some solutions. Tell me what they are. 14. Help me understand this situation from your point of view. What are the most important points for you? 15. Tell me what you’re most concerned about. 16. Tell me more about how you are seeing this situation. 17. Talk about what the decision is that you think you have to make. 18. If you could change the attitudes of one of the key people in this situation, talk about what you would do. 13

LISTENING EXERCISE Good listening creates intimate conversation, trust, and love! Take turns asking your partner the following questions. Then use the lists on previous pages for specific things you can ask or say to help you learn to be a great listener. Tell me what in this world is currently making you: 1. Angry. 2. Sad. 3. Afraid or worried. 4. Hopeful. 5. Happy. 6. Optimistic. 7. Feel despair. 8. Stressed. 14

How to be a Great Listener O T H E R G O T T M A N R E L AT I O N S H I P G U I D E S : Aftermath of a Fight Fondness & Admiration Avoid The Four Horsemen Relaxation Small Things Often ©2017 by Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc. gottman.com

M O R E E F F E C T I V E C O M M U N I C A T I O N · G O A L 1 Validation & Understanding Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Each partner feels heard, understood and validated. This goal builds on the previous two goals of expressing thoughts and feelings calmly and listening to understand. It is difficult to genuinely validate your partner’s feelings if you have not first taken the time to understand their experience. Validation begins with curiosity Rather than assuming you already know why your partner feels the way they do, take an interest in their experience and seek to understand it from their perspective. Open-ended questions can help you do this, particularly questions beginning with what, how, when and where. For example: O P E N - E N D E D Q U E S T I O N S “What was that like for you?” “How did that make you feel?” “What did you need from me in that moment?” “When did you start feeling that way?” “What did you understand was happening?” Questions beginning with “why” can sometimes unintentionally sound like an interrogation, criticism or challenge, particularly when emotions are already heightened. For example, “Why would you think that?” may be heard as “Your way of thinking doesn’t make sense.” Where possible, try replacing “why” with a question that communicates curiosity rather than judgement. Seeing it through your partner’s eyes It is also important to practise seeing the situation through your partner’s eyes rather than imagining what you would feel if you were in their position. We naturally interpret other people’s experiences through our own beliefs, history and emotional responses. However, your partner may experience the same situation very differently from you. I N S T E A D O F “How would I feel if that happened to me?” T R Y A S K I N G Y O U R S E L F “If I were experiencing this as my partner, with their history, experiences, expectations and understanding of what happened, how might this make sense to them?” This distinction is important because the purpose of empathy is not to decide whether your partner’s response is the response you would have. It is to understand the experience from their frame of reference.

V A L I D A T I O N Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com What validation means Validation means communicating that you can understand why your partner feels the way they do given their experience and perspective. For example: “I can understand why you felt hurt when I didn’t respond. You had been waiting to hear from me and, from your perspective, it probably felt like you weren’t important to me.” Notice that this statement does not say: I T D O E S N O T S A Y “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that.” or: “I agree that I don’t care about you.” I N S T E A D , I T C O M M U N I C A T E S “I can understand how this experience led you to feel the way you feel.” Validation is not agreement. You can validate your partner’s feelings while having a different perspective on what happened. You can believe that their feelings make sense given their experience without agreeing with their interpretation, conclusions or behaviour. For example: “I understand why you felt rejected when I didn’t want to be intimate. I can see how you experienced that as me not wanting you. At the same time, my experience was that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, rather than not wanting you.” Both experiences can be acknowledged without either person having to surrender their own perspective.

V A L I D A T I O N Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Why this change works When someone feels misunderstood, they often work harder to explain themselves. They may repeat their point, become more emotional, provide more evidence or become increasingly frustrated in an effort to get their partner to understand. If their partner responds by defending their own position, the conversation can quickly become a cycle of: “That’s not what happened” “Yes, it was” “You don’t understand” “You don’t understand me either” and around again… Validation interrupts this cycle. When your partner hears you demonstrate an understanding of their experience, they no longer have to work quite as hard to prove that their feelings are legitimate. This can reduce defensiveness and create greater emotional safety within the conversation. Once each person feels understood, there is usually more room to discuss differences in perspective, take responsibility where appropriate and work towards a solution. This is particularly important in relationships where there has been ongoing conflict or disconnection. When partners repeatedly experience one another as dismissive, defensive or uninterested in their feelings, emotional distance can develop. Conversely, regularly experiencing your partner as someone who is curious about your inner world and willing to understand your experience can help rebuild emotional connection and trust. T H E G O A L The goal is therefore not to make sure you both agree. The goal is to make sure you both understand. To practise this, please note that it is included in the skills provided previously. Use these skills alongside the active listening guide. Begin by becoming curious, listen carefully to what your partner is communicating, reflect back what you have understood, and then validate the feelings that make sense from their perspective. The process is: T H E P R O C E S S 1 Be curious 2 Listen to understand 3 Check your understanding 4 Empathise 5 Validate 6 Share your own perspective then share your own perspective When both partners learn to do this, difficult conversations can become less about proving who is right and more about helping each other feel known, understood and emotionally connected.

G O A L 2 A Stronger Sense of Equal Partnership Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com A strong partnership is built on the experience that you are a team. This does not necessarily mean that every responsibility is divided equally or that everything must be split 50/50. Different stages of life, work demands, parenting responsibilities, health, capacity and individual strengths can mean that each partner contributes in different ways. What is important is that both partners experience the relationship as a shared responsibility, rather than feeling that one person is carrying the majority of the practical, emotional or mental load. An equal partnership involves both partners taking responsibility for contributing to the relationship and working together to manage the responsibilities of everyday life. This includes practical responsibilities such as household tasks, finances, parenting and organising family commitments, as well as the less visible mental and emotional load involved in remembering, planning, anticipating and managing what needs to happen. It also involves being willing to notice when your partner is carrying more than their share and asking, “What can I take off your plate?” rather than waiting to be asked. Expectations Within a Partnership Expectations are a normal and important part of relationships. We all develop ideas about what it means to be a partner, how responsibilities should be shared, how we should be treated, and what we can reasonably expect from the person we love. Healthy relationships do not require partners to have no expectations. In fact, research from the Gottman Institute suggests that having high but realistic expectations can be associated with healthier relationships. Expectations around being treated with kindness, love, affection, respect and loyalty are reasonable and important. The difficulty can arise when expectations are unspoken, assumed, unrealistic, inflexible or different from those held by your partner. For example, one partner may believe: O N E P A R T N E R M A Y B E L I E V E “If you know me, you should know what I need without me having to ask.” W H I L E T H E O T H E R M A Y B E L I E V E “If you need something from me, just tell me and I’ll help.” Neither person necessarily has an unreasonable intention, but they are operating from different expectations.

E Q U A L P A R T N E R S H I P Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Similarly, one partner may believe that because they both work, household responsibilities should be divided equally. The other may believe that whoever has more flexible working hours should naturally do more at home. One partner may see taking the children to an appointment as “helping”; the other may experience the responsibility of remembering the appointment, organising the transport, knowing what needs to be taken and following up afterwards as the greater mental load. These differences can become particularly difficult when each person assumes that their own way of viewing partnership is obvious or reasonable. Gottman research and clinical work also highlights that many disagreements about responsibilities are not simply about the task itself. Underneath discussions about housework, money, parenting or time can be deeper concerns about whether each partner feels valued, respected, supported and considered. Unequal mental load and household responsibilities can contribute to stress and resentment, particularly when the work involved is invisible or goes unacknowledged. This means that part of developing a stronger partnership is learning to ask: “What am I expecting from my partner, and have I actually communicated that expectation?” And equally: “What does my partner expect from me, and do I understand what that expectation means to them?” The aim is not for one partner to simply lower their expectations or for the other to meet every expectation without question. Instead, couples can learn to make expectations visible, understand where they come from, discuss whether they are realistic, and negotiate what works for both people. This is particularly important because expectations often carry meaning. A request to take the bins out may sound like a request about a household task, but the underlying message may be: “I need to know that I can rely on you.” A request to spend more time together may be expressing: “I need to feel that I’m important to you.” A disagreement about money may actually involve expectations about security, responsibility, freedom or being valued. Gottman work emphasises the importance of looking beneath these practical disagreements to understand the meaning and needs underneath them.

E Q U A L P A R T N E R S H I P Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com What a team looks like Being a team means considering how your actions affect your partner and the relationship, rather than approaching responsibilities primarily from an individual perspective. This might involve: A T E A M sharing household and family responsibilities in a way that feels fair to both partners taking initiative rather than relying on your partner to manage or delegate tasks communicating about responsibilities rather than making assumptions recognising and appreciating the contribution your partner makes supporting one another when one partner is under greater pressure or has less capacity making important decisions together considering each other’s needs when making individual decisions being willing to negotiate when circumstances or responsibilities change taking responsibility for your own contribution rather than keeping score of who does more. An equal partnership also requires mutuality. Both partners need to feel that their needs, opinions, time and wellbeing matter. This means creating space for each person to contribute to decisions, express their preferences and have their perspective considered. It also means recognising that fair does not always mean identical. A couple may decide that one partner takes responsibility for certain tasks while the other takes responsibility for others. What matters is that the arrangement is discussed, understood and experienced as reasonably fair by both people, rather than one partner simply assuming the other will carry the responsibility. Gottman-informed approaches to sharing responsibilities also emphasise moving beyond simply assigning tasks. Taking initiative, accepting influence from your partner and paying attention to both spoken and unspoken needs can help create a greater sense of partnership.

E Q U A L P A R T N E R S H I P Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com When Expectations Become Part of the Conflict Unspoken expectations can create a cycle that is difficult for couples to recognise. H O W T H E C Y C L E B U I L D S 1 One partner expects something to happen 2 It doesn’t happen 3 They feel disappointed, unsupported or unimportant 4 They raise the issue, perhaps with increasing frustration 5 The other partner experiences the repeated requests as criticism, control or not being good enough 6 They become defensive, withdraw or avoid the conversation 7 The first partner feels even more unsupported and increases their efforts to be heard …and around again Over time, the original issue can become much bigger than the task itself. Gottman describes similar cycles around repeated requests and household responsibilities. What begins as a request can become repeated reminders and then criticism, while the other partner may become defensive or withdraw. Both partners can end up feeling unheard and misunderstood. This is why it can be helpful to move away from: M O V E A W A Y F R O M “Why can’t you just do what I expect?” A N D T O W A R D S “Can we talk about what each of us expects and needs, and work out what feels fair and realistic for both of us?” Why this change works When one or both partners feel that the relationship is unfair or that they are carrying too much of the responsibility, resentment can gradually build. Small everyday frustrations can begin to represent something much bigger: “I don’t feel supported,” “I can’t rely on you,” “I’m doing this on my own,” or “What I do isn’t noticed or appreciated.” Once resentment develops, couples can become more likely to interpret their partner’s actions negatively. A missed task may no longer be experienced as simply a missed task; it can become evidence that “you don’t care,” “you don’t value what I do,” or “I can’t depend on you.” This can then feed back into the communication and conflict patterns addressed in the previous goals. Expectations can work in a similar way. When an expectation remains unspoken, a partner may repeatedly fail to meet something they did not realise was expected of them. The other partner may experience this as evidence that they do not care, while the partner who has not met the expectation may feel confused about why they are being criticised.

E Q U A L P A R T N E R S H I P Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Making expectations explicit gives couples an opportunity to replace assumptions with conversation, understanding and negotiation. Creating a stronger sense of partnership helps shift the experience from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” When both partners know that they can rely on one another, practical responsibilities become less about keeping score and more about working together. This can reduce resentment, increase feelings of support and create a greater sense of security and connection within the relationship. There is also an important emotional dimension to this. From an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective, expectations within a relationship are often connected to deeper attachment needs - such as wanting to know that your partner will be there, respond to you, care about you and that you matter to them. Sue Johnson’s work describes how violations of these expectations of care and responsiveness can become particularly painful and can contribute to ongoing relationship distress. This means that when couples work through expectations, the goal is not simply to determine who is right. It is to understand what each partner is needing, what the expectation means to them, and how the couple can respond to those needs in a way that is realistic and sustainable. An equal partnership also does not mean that both people need to contribute in exactly the same way. Fairness is not always the same as equality. What matters is that both partners experience the overall arrangement as fair, mutually agreed upon and responsive to each person’s circumstances and needs. T H E A I M The aim is to develop a relationship where both partners can genuinely say: “We’re in this together. I can rely on you, you can rely on me, and we’re both responsible for looking after our relationship and our shared life.” I have provided you with three resources to support you in developing a stronger sense of partnership. Please work through these together, in conjunction with the communication skills, and use them to identify areas where responsibilities, expectations or the mental and emotional load may need to be discussed or renegotiated. As you work through them, try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than trying to prove who is right. Consider what you each expect, where those expectations come from, what is realistic, and what you can both do differently. R E S O U R C E S Activity – Weekly Check-In Negotiating Tasks Negotiating Tasks with Mental & Physical Responsibility

Weekly Check-In Prompt Having weekly check-ins with your partner can help you reflect on your relationship, share aspects that are working well, and address areas of conflict in a productive way. These regular discussions can help you both feel heard, understood, and appreciated, while preventing issues from building up and giving you space and time to practice problem-solving together. BEFORE YOU GET STARTED: Find a space to have your weekly check-in that is free from distractions. Removing TV, cell phones, and other potential interruptions from the equation creates space to fully focus on each other. Consider writing notes during your check-in. Writing things down can help you process your thoughts and feelings, and having a record of your check-ins can be a great reference if you want to track how you’ve progressed over time. You and your partner can look back at the appreciations shown and the decisions you’ve made together, and refer back to compromises and solutions you worked through for similar issues. If flooding occurs during your check-in, pause the discussion and take a break for at least 20 minutes. When emotions are tense, intellect can become nonsense and you may say hurtful things that you will regret later. If you do take a pause, make sure both of you agree on a time to revisit the conflict and work through it together. FLOODING is a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it impossible to have a productive conversation. Here are the five steps for a weekly check-in

Step 1 Give one another 5 appreciations. EXAMPLES: "I appreciated when you took the kids out for breakfast on Saturday so I could sleep in because it shows me you are thoughtful and caring. Plus, it's a special time for our kids." “I appreciate that you always do the dishes after I cook dinner. It’s very considerate of you and it helps chores feel balanced in our relationship.” “I appreciate that you helped me figure out that difficult work situation this week. I really value your intelligence and input, and it took some of the stress out of finding a solution.” Weekly Check-In Prompt The first step is to have a pre-conflict warm up. By focusing on the positive aspects of your partner and of your relationship at the beginning of the discussion, you remind yourselves that you are fighting for each other, not against each other. Noticing the positive defuses tension and makes it easier for both of you to work together. Take turns sharing five things your partner did in the past week that you appreciated. Think of an example or incident where your partner displayed a positive trait, and note what that positive characteristic means about your partner. 1. I appreciate because . 2. I appreciate because . 3. I appreciate because . 4. I appreciate because . 5. I appreciate because . I appreciate [ meaning here ] because . [ incident here ] Need ideas? Identify the positive characteristics that your partner displayed this week.

Loving Sensitive Brave Intelligent Thoughtful Generous Loyal Truthful Strong Energetic Sexy Silly CHARACTERISTIC BANK Decisive Creative Imaginative Fun Attractive Interesting Supportive Funny Considerate Affectionate Organized Understanding Playful Caring Friendly Exciting Spontaneous Shy Vulnerable Committed Involved Expressive Active Flexible Careful Reserved Adventurous Receptive Reliable Responsible Dependable Nurturing Warm Virile Kind Powerful Gentle Practical Witty Relaxed Beautiful Calm Lively Handsome Assertive Protective Sweet Tender Step 2 Talk about what is going well in your relationship. EXAMPLES: “I’m really proud of us working as a team in navigating the family drama at the reunion this weekend. Thank you for having my back!” “We’re both doing a good job scheduling date nights and following through with our plans. I enjoyed our picnic date this week.” “We talked about softer start-ups for our conversations last week, and I think we’re getting better at it. What do you think?” I’m proud of . .We did really well at You did a really great job at . We are getting better at . .I think is going well because Next, take some time to discuss together what is working, improving, or going well in the relationship. Acknowledging the work you and your partner put into the relationship will help you stay motivated and connected. Weekly Check-In Prompt

Step 3 Select an issue to discuss or process any regrettable incidents. Decide which partner will be the speaker and which will be the listener. Then approach the conversation with this script in mind: Take turns sharing any concerns you may have from the past week. Each partner must be given a time to speak and a time to listen as you work through the different stages of your conversation. When it’s your turn to speak, you get the floor for as long as you need to fully express your feelings and perspective on whatever issue you’ve chosen to discuss. Note: this is a time for listening, not a time to persuade your partner or recommend a solution. The Gottmans’ research shows that it is counterproductive to try to problem-solve before each partner feels fully understood. The speaker and listener then swap roles, and repeat. SPEAKER: “Yes, that's correct.” OR “Not quite, let me explain further.” SPEAKER: “I feel , about , and I need .” LISTENER: “I heard . Did I get it right?” LISTENER: “It makes sense that you feel about and that you need .” [a specific event] [state a positive need] [name an emotion] [repeat what the speaker has communicated] [state the feeling(s) expressed] [state the specific event] [state the need] The speaker communicates their emotions about the problem and states a positive need. Once the speaker talks for a few minutes, the listener reflects back on what they heard and confirms that they understand what the speaker has expressed. Once the speaker confirms that the listener understands what they communicated, the listener should then empathize with the speaker. Conflict is inevitable and necessary in any relationship. When handled constructively, it will leave you feeling more connected. For that to happen, you must work on being attuned to one another. Weekly Check-In Prompt

Share one thing your partner can do to help you feel more connected, loved, and supported in the coming week. To help you stay attuned to one another, Dr. John Gottman has developed an acronym to remember what to do during these conversations: wareness of your partners feeling and experienceA T olerance that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions T urning Toward recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it U nderstanding attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective N on-defensive Listening listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame E mpathy responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs ATTUNE Step 4 Tell each other what you need to feel more loved, connected, and supported. HERE ARE A FEW EXAMPLES: “One thing that would help me feel more loved in the coming week is if we spent some time cuddling in bed on Saturday morning.” “I need you to say ‘I love you’ more often to me. I know that you do love me, but hearing it from you more often will help me feel more connected to you.” “Could you help me with the birthday party preparation for this weekend? I need your support and to feel like we’re a team.” Weekly Check-In Prompt

One thing I need this week is . Step 5 End your weekly check-in discussion. Once you’ve worked through steps 1 through 4, confirm with your partner if there’s anything else they’d like to address for the week. FOR EXAMPLE: “Do you want to briefly go over the social engagements and plans for the upcoming week?” “Are there any projects around the house that require your attention this week?” “What are some things outside of your relationship that you need to pay attention to this week?” “Do you need to revisit any of the previous check-in steps?” Once both of you are satisfied, agree to conclude your conversation. Weekly Check-In Prompt

G O A L 3 Feeling Prioritised and Valued Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Feeling loved and feeling valued and prioritised are closely connected, but they are not always experienced in the same way. A partner may genuinely love you, yet you may not consistently experience yourself as important, considered or appreciated within the relationship. Feeling prioritised means experiencing your partner as someone who makes space for you, considers your needs and makes the relationship an important part of their life. It does not mean that your partner must always put you first or meet every need before their own. Healthy relationships also require individual wellbeing, friendships, work, family and other responsibilities. Rather, it is about having an ongoing sense that the relationship and each person within it matter to the other. Feeling valued involves knowing that your contribution, efforts, feelings and presence are noticed and appreciated. Over time, when appreciation is missing or when partners begin to take one another for granted, resentment and emotional distance can develop. A partner may begin to feel that “nothing I do is noticed,” “I’m not important to you,” or “you only notice me when something is wrong.” This goal involves becoming more intentional about communicating appreciation, acknowledgement and affection rather than assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. What feeling prioritised and valued can look like This may include: P R I O R I T I S E D A N D V A L U E D making regular time for your relationship rather than allowing it to receive whatever time is left over showing interest in your partner’s day, thoughts, feelings and experiences noticing and acknowledging the things your partner does, including the things that may otherwise go unnoticed expressing appreciation rather than assuming your partner knows you appreciate them showing affection and warmth in ways that are meaningful to your partner considering your partner when making decisions that affect them or the relationship following through on commitments and showing that your partner can rely on you making an effort to reconnect after periods of busyness, distance or conflict recognising important moments, needs and experiences in your partner’s life communicating that you value your partner not only for what they do, but for who they are. Importantly, this needs to be mutual. Both partners need to feel valued and both need to take responsibility for helping the other person experience themselves as important within the relationship.

P R I O R I T I S E D A N D V A L U E D Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com Why this change works Relationships can become caught in a pattern where partners primarily notice what is going wrong. When there has been ongoing conflict, disappointment or resentment, the brain can become particularly attuned to negative interactions and evidence that confirms existing beliefs about the relationship. As a result, positive behaviours can become overlooked while mistakes, disappointments and unmet expectations receive most of the attention. Intentionally noticing and expressing appreciation helps shift this pattern. It does not mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it ensures that the relationship contains experiences of warmth, recognition and connection alongside the difficult conversations that need to occur. Small moments of acknowledgement can have a cumulative effect. When your partner regularly experiences you as interested in them, appreciative of their efforts and willing to make space for the relationship, it can strengthen the sense that “I matter to you” and “we matter to you.” This is particularly important when a couple has experienced emotional distance. Rebuilding connection is rarely achieved through one large gesture. It is more often developed through repeated, everyday experiences of turning towards one another, showing interest, expressing appreciation and making the relationship a priority. It is also important that prioritising your partner does not become another way of keeping score. The goal is not: “I did this for you, so you should do the same for me.” Instead, the aim is to develop a culture within the relationship where both partners naturally look for opportunities to show care, appreciation and consideration. Over time, these behaviours can help create a stronger emotional connection and a greater sense of security within the relationship. They also provide a stronger foundation from which to address disagreements and more difficult issues, because both partners have a greater sense that they are valued and that the relationship matters. I have provided you with three resources to support you in developing this area. Please work through these together and use them to identify the ways in which each of you currently experiences appreciation, priority and connection, as well as areas where you may need to be more intentional. T H E G O A L I S F O R B O T H P A R T N E R S T O E X P E R I E N C E “I matter to you. You notice me, you appreciate me, you consider me, and our relationship is important to you.” R E S O U R C E S Activity – Weekly Check-In (same activity as Goal 2) Small Things Often Dating, Connection Worksheets

A R T I C L E Three Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com If you want to stop arguing all the time, avoid these mistakes. “I’ve asked you to be kinder, but you speak to me with such contempt,” he complained. “But you’re doing things that upset me,” she counter-claimed. “What am I supposed to do?” They were at gridlock and falling into three common mistakes made by couples with perpetual problems. So, what are these mistakes? Could knowing them transform your relationship? M I S T A K E #1 “ Y O U C H A N G E ” It is easy to have a long list of what your partner could do differently and a short list of your own. Perhaps yours is completely blank or full of hopeless ideas like “give up.” Unfortunately, pointing out your partner’s shortcomings does not encourage change—only defensiveness and counter-attack. Normally, I encourage couples to step into each other’s shoes and look at the world from there. However, once you reach gridlock, you are too angry to make this leap of imagination. M I S T A K E #2 P R O T E S T I N G L O U D E R If you can’t get through to your partner, you may wonder, why not raise the stakes? Perhaps they will finally understand and take you seriously? So, you shout louder, throw a bigger tantrum, or move from sniping to sarcasm and on to nasty name-calling. Other versions involve bringing in the opinions of others to back you up and punishing your partner by refusing sex or intimacy. Unfortunately, couples end up debating alternative narratives, building a case against their partner. M I S T A K E #3 F L E E A N D P U R S U E At some point, one partner will check out. It could be walking away, internally shutting down, or people-pleasing (by which I mean agreeing to anything for a quiet life but being full of resentment or giving an empty apology to shut down the argument). I have clients who simply beg their partners to stop. Not surprisingly, the other partner does not feel heard and fears nothing will ever change. So they prevent the fleeing partner from leaving, following them to the next room or they rekindle the row a short time later.

T H R E E C O M M O N M I S T A K E S Cleveland, 4163 • 0490 061 761 • debra@anchoringyourlife.com • www.anchoringyourlife.com How to break gridlock 1 Consider that both of you are right. It is easy to fall into black and white concepts of right and wrong, win and lose. Instead of this comparative thinking, embrace something called contemplative thinking. Instead of “yes but,” switch to “yes and,” which does not negate your partner’s position. Once you accept you are both right, you open up to creative solutions: “What can we do differently?” 2 Look deeper into the dilemma. Ask yourself, “What is this argument really about?” If you both feel so strongly, it must be something important and that normally goes back to your childhood. So, tell each other what past trauma has been reactivated. 3 Stay in the crucible of conflict longer. It is natural to want to exit conflict as equally as possible, but it takes time to go through. Don’t put pressure on yourselves. It will normally take several discussions, maybe over several days. So learn to feel more comfortable with uncertainty and agree to keep talking. 4 Become vulnerable with each other. Instead of showing your armoured exterior, speak about what you find difficult. Remember to use “I” statements. For example: “I feel anxious” rather than “You make me feel anxious.” 5 Find similarities and build on those. It is helpful to remind each other of what you agree on. For example: “We both want the best for the children” or “We are both feeling overwhelmed.” If you address the better part of your partner rather than attack their flaws, it is easier to build cooperation. 6 Going through. Once you stop pushing your particular solution, another way will slowly emerge. If you are still stuck, it could be that you need to return to the previous steps and do some more talking and lots of listening. When you both feel truly understood, you will be ready to move forward. Andrew G. Marshall

T H A N K Y O U © 2026 Anchoring Your Life Counselling. All rights reserved. All pages are subject to copyright and may not be reproduced or distributed. A C A R E G I S T E R E D · C O U P L E S C O U N S E L L I N G Thank you Thank you for choosing my practice. It is a privilege to be part of your journey, and I sincerely appreciate the trust you have placed in me. I wish you every success as you put these skills into practice. Be patient and kind with one another: change happens through small, consistent steps, and every attempt to listen, understand and reconnect matters. A G E N T L E I N V I T A T I O N If you find that you are still struggling to put these strategies into practice on your own, couples counselling may be a helpful next step. Working with a therapist provides a safe and supportive environment where you can have difficult conversations with guidance, while learning how to communicate in ways that are more constructive and productive. P H O N E 0490 061 761 E M A I L debra@anchoringyourlife.com W E B S I T E www.anchoringyourlife.com