diary

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I s a i d I p r o m i s e I w i l l l e a v e y o u a l o n eb u t i s t i l l w a n t t o s a y t h i n g s

f o r e x a m p l e t o s a y h e r e i m h a v i n g m a n g o j u i c e

or to say last night after the promise to leave you alone i woke up at three am and had sleep paralysis for maybe 2 minutes. i said help help and wanted with all my strength to flip to the other side and turn on the lamp before i start seeing anything and after that i wanted with all my strength to call you to sleep again.

a f t e r s l e e p i n g a g a i n i d r e a m t i s a w t h r e e t i n y k i d s h a n g i n g o n a m i n i b u s w i n d o w . i t h o u g h t i t w a s f u n n y a n d w a n t e d t o t a k e a p h o t o t o s e n d y o u , b u t i d i d n ’ t s a y a n y t h i n g i n t h e d r e a m e i t h e r .

in the dream i was chased by aggressors I ran and ran it was endless white stairs who didn’t want me to laugh at the children towards my building to reach my white room which was more like a corridor with ceilings tight l o n g

I know nobody wants to hear about anyone else’s dreams but the point is i wish you had been there & i could have told you before falling asleep again

i know this time in your life is not about me in any way and i don’t wish it to be shape or formshape or form

i read something that reminded me of you

you said we had never even video called we had never met why am i reacting like this i think in some ways, that’s related to the question how can i know you like you know yourself like you know your current circumstances or past circumstances in a way i simple cannot know

i dont have an answer to the first question why would i react like this why would i attach and get used to, why fantasize or plan why hope and think why want and miss it is not unfar from delusion and maybe time apart is good to see that more clearly