This participant guide is for the Care & Grow marriage enrichment program by the Marriage & Relationship Education Center (MREC). It includes a welcome letter, topic overview, session goals, and takeaways for growing together as a couple. The guide emphasizes intentional growth, oneness, and spiritual connection.
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Dear Care and Grow Participants, Welcome to Care & Grow! This is an opportunity to invest in your marriage. Come as you are, be willing to be honest, and give one another plenty of grace along the way. You don’t need a perfect marriage or all the right answers - just a willingness to learn and grow together. Your mentors are here to walk alongside you, encourage you, and help guide meaningful conversations. The homework is a critical part of the process - it’s where much of what you talk about gets practiced and applied in everyday life. Make it a priority and give it your best effort. Most of all, enjoy the opportunity to slow down, connect with your spouse, and see what God can do as you give intentional care to your marriage. Cheering for you all the way, Your Friends at MRECWritten and designed by Kaycee Wright. Copy editing by Rebecca Kristene. Graphic design and publication production by Addison Oltmans. "Bill Talk" teaching videos feature Pastor Bill Brown. Project Director: Amy M. Gilford. Care & Grow™ is a program of the Marriage & Relationship Education Center (MREC), Westminster, Maryland. Copyright ©2026 Marriage & Relationship Education Center. All rights reserved.
5 Topic Overview Establish a biblical vision for your marriage as a relationship that continues to grow. Consider where you are, where you hope to go, and how intentional choices can strengthen your relationship and spiritual connection. Session Goals Be honest about where your marriage is today. See God’s purpose and design for marriage. Begin moving toward greater oneness, with appreciation and hope. Build a shared vision for your marriage. Take intentional steps toward growing closer to Jesus and each other. Takeaways Healthy marriages grow on purpose. Oneness is something we build over time. Understanding each other helps us love each other better. A shared vision helps keep a marriage moving in the right direction. The closer we grow to Christ, the closer we grow to one another. Topic One: Growing Together
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Commit to the process first by setting a goal to draw as close to Jesus as possible. Investing in your relationship with Jesus is also a way to invest in your marriage. Through time in the Word and through prayer, your heart will look more like His as you welcome the work that He wants to do in your life, which will result in cooperating with Him through obedience. That cooperation might be hard, as He wants to prune things out of your life that you would prefer to keep, but it will bring you to where He wants you to be as you “deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Him” (Luke 9:23). Remember that the work you are doing is happening on a battlefield (and not with each other). Marriage is made to reflect God’s forever-faithful, steadfast, covenantal relationship with Himself, and not only that, it is a foundational building block that God has established to create churches, families, and communities. The widespread impact and ripple effect of strong marriages and families lasts generations. We should not be surprised that we have an enemy that will push back against the work that you are about to do. So, instead of cowering, we suit up in God’s armor, empowered by His Word and His Spirit, and we push in. We fight against the footholds our enemy wants to build in the foundation of your marriage, and we refuse to let him have any more ground. He seeks destruction. Jesus seeks life. Battle well for abundant living-together! You are constantly getting advice...from yourself. Paul Tripp says, “No one is more influential in your life than you are, because no one talks to you as much as you talk to yourself.” We are constantly in a conversation in our minds, and what is being said is not always helpful. We need to take our thoughts captive and surrender them to Jesus daily. We do this by considering Philippians 4:8 and asking four important questions: What am I telling myself? Is it true? Would God agree? How would believing God's truth change the way I respond? 7 In-Session Resource 1.1Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
8 Homework The terms “Surviving” and “Thriving” are two extremes and will be the scale by which you will measure your relationship as it is right now and establish your starting point below. At your next session, you will share your results with your Care Couple and will check back in periodically as you address different topics along the way. In each area, circle the number that corresponds with where YOU feel like your relationship is on the Thriving/Surviving spectrum in each category. Be honest and answer based on your perspective. A note to your spouse: Give your partner the space and freedom to be honest, vulnerable, and transparent. Good things come from the truth. Welcome to Care & Grow! Over the next several weeks, you and your spouse will meet with your Care Couple as you explore six foundational areas of marriage through a biblical lens. Together, you'll have honest conversations, learn practical relationship skills, and build a toolbox of resources that you can continue using long after your mentoring journey is complete. Your Care Couple isn't here because they have a perfect marriage. They're simply a couple who have walked through these same topics in their own relationship and are willing to share what God has taught them along the way. Their desire is to encourage you, point you to God's Word, and walk alongside you with genuine care. As you intentionally invest in your marriage over the coming weeks, we believe God will use this time to strengthen your relationship. Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly" (John 10:10). In Isaiah 44:3–4, God promises to pour out His Spirit and blessing so that His people will "thrive like well-watered grass, like willows by streams of running water." God's desire is not simply that our marriages survive, but that they are firmly rooted in Him, continually growing, and bearing fruit (Colossians 2:7). God wants our marriages to thrive. Establishing Your Starting Point Thriving In the area of Communication (ability to speak and listen well), we are... Surviving In the area of Growing Together (ability to deepen our connection together and grow in our oneness), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1.1Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
9 In the area of Family Dynamics (ability to work together and “enjoy the journey”), we are... In the area of Sexual Intimacy (ability to discuss sexual issues and expectations), we are... In the area of Money (sharing similiar philosophies, agreement on goals, planning and budgeting), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Homework Thriving In the area of Conflict Resolution (ability to discuss and resolve differences in a constructive way), we are... Surviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 1.1Once you are done, share your scores with your spouse and mark their response on your sheet (consider using a different color). Be prepared to share your starting points during your next session.Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started
10 Psalm 1:1-4 1 Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, 2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers. From these passages, what can we learn about God or His Word? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ What can we learn about Man? __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________ In light of these truths, what is our proper response? ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 1: Getting Started 1.1
The Purpose of Marriage and the Journey of Becoming One Six Purposes in Marriage: 1.Be the means to fill the earth (Genesis 1:28) 2.Provide needed and helpful companionship (Genesis 2:18) 3.Magnify and glorify the Lord together (Psalm 34:3) 4.Serve as a relationship that encourages growth (Ephesians 5:26-27) 5.Be the God-ordained context for sexual intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:2) 6.Reflect Jesus’ unconditional and sacrificial love for the church (Ephesians 5:22-23) The Way to Fulfill God’s Purposes: Two Become One God didn’t just tell us the purpose - He also showed us the way to live it out: through the powerful act of two people becoming one (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; Ephesians 5:31). “Becoming One” implies a __________________, bond, or shared ________________. In Hebrew, the word for “one,” echad, means that it’s no longer two people operating as individuals; they are now unifying to become as if one person. Homework: Barriers to Oneness & Looking at Connections Complete the two homework assignments on pages 12 & 13. As you work through these assignments, give your spouse the space to be honest, out of a heart of favor, which shows kindness and believes the best about them, and with grace. Just as your spouse has growth areas in their life, so do you. In-Session Worksheet 11 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
Barriers What the Heart Says What God Says The truth that we need to believe Selfishness I want things done the way I want them done. Your desires and opinions mean very little to me. Phil. 2:3-4 1 Cor. 10:24 Pride I am right. You are wrong. I don’t need your input. You just have to deal with it. Mark 7:20-23 Phil 2:5-7 Laziness I hear it, but I don’t care about it. Things are fine as they are. Col. 3:23 James 4:17 Connection with Something Else I am giving my best time and attention to something other than my spouse. Phil. 4:8 1 Thess. 5:23 Lack of Intentionality If oneness happens with my spouse, it would be an accident. Heb. 3:13 Other: Homework Barriers to Oneness Next Steps: After reading what our hearts say for each barrier, read the selected passages of Scripture and fill in the last column with what we should battle to believe according to God’s Word. Circle the barriers to oneness that you have encountered during your married life. Put a star next to the ones that are the hardest to overcome. Share with your spouse which barrier you would like to work on the most. If you have an accountability partner, consider sharing this with them. 12 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
Formulate Based on your evaluation, note the connection(s) that you believe need to decrease and the connection(s) that you think should increase. As a couple, read Hebrews 12:1 and identify anything that is a “weight” that could be preventing you both from connecting and running your race of oneness. And how will you lay aside those weights this week? As you close, pray for your spouse. Possible Connections The amount of care and attention I give... The amount of care and attention I should give... God My Spouse Children Extended Family Members Friends Work Church Online Interactions (gaming, social media, scrolling) Hobbies/Fitness TV/Movies Other ______________________Rate On your own, using a scale of 1-5, rate the amount of care and attention you give to each of the following. HomeworkEvaluate Consider the following questions. Use the feedback column if needed to make any notes or observations. Ask your spouse if there are any ratings that they would disagree with. The things that you have the deepest connection to - do they really matter? Have any of these connections created a barrier between you and your spouse? Looking at Connections (1=no care or attention is given; 5=greatest attention or care is given) 13 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 2 - The Purpose of Marriage & Becoming One 1.2
In the area of Growing Together, I value...In the area of Conflict Resolution, I value...26 Core Values: Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity HomeworkIdentifying Core Values 1.For each topic, choose a few words that reflect your values (deeply held beliefs that shape the way you think and that guide your decisions). Don’t overthink it! There are no wrong answers. Use the “26 Core Values” list as a reference — or feel free to choose your own words if something else fits better. This does NOT need to be completed all at once. Take your time. In the area of Communication, I value... In the area of Finances, I value... In the area of Sexual Intimacy, I value... In the area of Family Dynamics, I value... 14 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
3. Spend time reflecting and answer personally: Why are these values important to me? Have they always been important to me? What life experiences shaped these values? How do these show up in my daily life? 4. Share your values and insights with your spouse. Write your spouse’s values next to yours and share what you discovered during your personal time of reflection. 5. Identify and circle values that overlap. Following your discussion time, identify three values as a couple that you want to define your relationship and life together. These values will guide your actions and decisions. Write them below.As “one,” we value: 2. From your list, write the top six most important values to you in your section. Look for the values that appear most often or those that consistently shape your decisions and how you see the world. Homework 15 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
Our Marriage Mission Statement Together, you will form a Marriage Mission Statement. This will reflect your shared values and goals. Consider the following questions to help identify your shared goals: Based on our values, what kind of relationship do we want to build? What do we want to be known for as a couple? What kind of environment do we want to create? Writing a Marriage Mission Statement With your shared values and goals, write a Marriage Mission Statement. A possible formula is below if you need some help, or feel free to write your own. Possible Mission Statement Formula: “We value [core values 1, 2, 3], and we commit to [specific actions or attitudes based on values]. We will strive for a relationship where [shared goals or lifestyle vision].” Example: “We value honesty, compassion, and growth. We commit to speaking the truth, supporting one another’s dreams, and learning from our mistakes. We strive for a relationship built on trust, laughter, and our faith in Jesus.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Evaluate Your Marriage Mission Statement Is this God-honoring? Do we both agree? Is this practical given our situation and circumstances? If you think your statement accurately shares your values and goals, write it on the following page, and be prepared to share it at your next session. Challenge: Display your statement so you can be reminded of it often and keep moving forward to put it into action.16 Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 3 - Me + You = One 1.3
Our Marriage Mission 17 Husband’s Signature: ___________________ Wife’s Signature: _______________________ Date: ________________________________
In-Session Worksheet Knowing our circumstances and situation, what are possible obstacles to our mission that we may face? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ What are some guardrails we can put in place to keep us from shifting from our vision? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ If one of us senses that we are shifting, how should we approach this issue or conversation? _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Protecting Our Mission 18 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
AssessmentsLove LanguagesTemperamentSpiritual GiftsQR Code/Websitehttps://openpsychometrics.org/www.5lovelanguages.com This is a free resource. An email will be required to view your results.www.myspiritualgifts.com This is a free resource. An email and password will be required to view your results.Homework 19 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
Temperament Love Language Spiritual Gifts Draw a circle around the one most interesting. Put a if you have some follow up questions. Put a if something brings some clarity or insight. Homework When I am not living and thinking as God wants me to, I am: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________My Temperament Type (Top Two): ______________________________________ When I am living and thinking as God wants me to, I am: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________My Partner’s Top Two Temperament Types: _____________________________________ When he/she is living and thinking as God wants them to, they are: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________ When he/she is not living and thinking as God wants them to, they are: _______________________ _______________________ _______________________ 2. Share your answers with your partner so they can complete the below section about you. 1.Look over the attachment provided by your mentor, or scan the provided QR Code, and fill in the characteristics that best describe your temperament. Most people are a blend. So write down your top two. For more information on your blend, see the handouts provided. Temperament & Personality Temperament is how you are created to be by God from birth. It’s different from personality in that your personality can change based on how you are feeling, where you are, and who you are around. When you live authentically, they will align. Your temperament is said to be set, but it can be modified by the work of the Holy Spirit in your life. 3. While reviewing your partner’s answers, complete the following excercise. 20 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
My Love Languages: 1. __________________. 2. ___________________. 5: _________________ Times that I have felt most loved by my spouse: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. Scan the QR Code to take the Love Language assessment, write down your top two love languages, and the one that came in last. Think about specific times that you felt loved based on this love language and write it down. Then think back to ways that you have shown your spouse love. Share your response with your spouse. Bring this to your next session and prepare to share some of your findings with your Care Couple. My Spiritual Gifts: 1. ___________________ 2. __________________. 3. ____________________ Times that I have felt most fulfilled or joyful while being involved in spiritually related activities: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 5. Scan the QR Code and take the Spiritual Gift assessment. Write down your top three gifts. Think about specific times in your involvement in spiritual things that have brought you the most joy. See if there is a connection between these experiences and your gifting. Share your results with your spouse. Bring this to your next session and prepare to share some of your findings with your Care Couple. Actions that I have done to make my spouse feel loved: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Evaluate: Is how you show love to your spouse a reflection of your love language? 21 Homework Topic One: Growing Together | Session 4 - Learning Me, Learning You 1.4
GodNext to your side of the triangle, write some ideas of things you can do to grow closer to Jesus this week. Possible ideas: Listen to a biblically based podcast Meet up with your accountability partner Include worship songs in your playlist Listen to a sermon Pray with your spouse one or two extra days than you normally do In-Session Worksheet Topic One: Growing Together | Session 5 - Growing with Jesus 1.5
John 15:1-11 15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. 9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Ready to take another step? Purchase a devotional that you can read together. Recommended favorite: “Everyday Gospel” by Paul David Tripp. Homework From these passages, what can we learn about God or His Word? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ What can we learn about man? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ In light of these truths, what is our proper response? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 23 Topic One: Growing Together | Session 5 - Growing with Jesus 1.5
24 Topic Overview Helps couples understand biblical principles for healthy communication and practice skills that promote understanding. The focus is on listening well, expressing thoughts and feelings clearly, and creating space for meaningful conversation. Session Goals Help the couple... Build healthy habits for listening and speaking. See what God's Word says about communication. Practice skills they can use in everyday conversations. Learn how to work through heavy topics and emotions without losing sight of each other. Grow in communicating with grace, honesty, and understanding. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Good communication starts with the heart. Listening well is just as important as speaking well. Difficult conversations can strengthen a marriage when handled God's way. Healthy communication takes practice. Understanding each other is more important than winning the conversation. Topic Two: Communication
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If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14 in your notebook, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Communication, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back at page 8 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Communication (ability to speak and listen well), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 26 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1
In-Session Resource & Homework “You, Me, Us, Others” Daily Check-In Guide Homework This skill is designed to foster a daily connection with your spouse by focusing on conversations around four categories: you, me, us, and other. When using this skill, remember... The goal is to have an intentional conversation every day. It should be around 5-10 minutes total. Avoid hot topics. Don’t forget your listening principles!This dialogue guide is adapted from the Daily Check-In from Live the Life’s “Navigating Us.” For more information on this skills-based program, visit https://www.livethelife.org/navigating-us 27 Topic Two: Communication | Session One - Principles for Listening 2.1You Share something you appreciate or admire about your spouse, and a hope that you have for your futureMe Share something about you (an activity from the day, what you enjoyed about your time in God’s Word, how your spouse can pray for you)Others Share something about the family, church, or workUs Share something that concerns both of you (update with the children, vacation plans, plans that changed, a bill that needs to be paid) Start Here!
The Goal for the Speaker: Out of a heart that is pure before the Lord, speak clearly with gentleness and respect while understanding the power of your words. Check Your ____________ (Psalm 139:23-24) Before approaching your spouse with a complaint, you go to the Lord first and ask Him to search your heart. Speak out of ____________________ and _________________ (Titus 3:2) Coming with an attitude of arrogance and pride will only compound the division between you and push you further off course. Understand the ______________ You Have (James 1:19) Your words can leave a trail of destruction, or they can be beneficial to the hearer and lead to resolution. A Biblical Perspective for Speaking Well _____ Check your heart _____ Speak out of gentleness and respect _____ Understand the power you have Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Not difficult for me 5 = Most Difficult for me In-Session Worksheet 28 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2
In-Session Resource & Homework Speaker/Listener Dialogue Homework: This week, use this dialogue guide in the “everyday world.” If any issues arise that you would like to discuss, ask your spouse if they have time to do the dialogue homework. If the timing doesn’t work, they need to agree to discuss it at another time (it should not be an open-ended meeting time; within 24 hours is best). If things get tense, hit the “pause” button and agree to complete the discussion in your next session. 29 Topic Two: Communication | Session Two - Principles for Speaking 2.2
Collect Shared “Good Points”All of the good thoughts/points that your spouse shared are put into a “bowl.” These are points that you both agree on.Using the dialogue resource, practice both speaking and listening.Speak & ListenBrainstorm Possible SolutionsPrayerfully consider possible solutions that address the “good points” collected in the bowl. Agree on one solution.Evaluate Possible PitfallsThink back to past experiences and, without being judgmental towards one another, identify possible pitfalls that might get you off course, and talk through ways you can protect yourself from them. Be proactive.Take ActionWork the plan together and evaluate as you go. Roadblocks and speed bumps are expected.Homework Creating a Shared SolutionIn a concise statement, identify the problem you are both trying to solve.Identify the problem 30 2.3
Hurdle 1: Heavy Topics Sometimes it seems better to ignore the “elephant in the room” because the topic seems a bit too overwhelming to talk about. Before starting the conversation (using the Listener/Speaker Dialogue that we learned earlier), it’s important to remind ourselves of biblical principles that can help set the stage for a healthy and helpful conversation to take place. Talk with __________________ (Matthew 7:3-5). Before bringing an issue to your spouse, bring it to the Lord and ask the Holy Spirit to examine you and reveal any “planks” (areas of growth, blind spots) in your own life before pointing out the “speck” in your spouse. Set a time to ____________________ (Psalm 19:14). Emotions can compound on one another, and if this is a heavy topic, you need to start on a neutral “playing field” as much as possible. Consider the best time for both of you and ask your spouse if it works with their schedule. If that time doesn’t work, ask for a better time. This gives both of you time to get in the right head and heart space, while praying that what you say and what you think would be pleasing to God. Fight, not for yourself, but for your “_____________________” as a couple (Ephesians 5:31). God has brought you and your spouse together to reflect His glory and fulfill a purpose that is greater than both of you. So, fight the obstacle that is in opposition to your oneness, not each other. Don’t fall into a _____________________ (John 10:10; 1 Peter 5:8; 1 Corinthians 10:31). We have an enemy that hates what God loves, which includes your marriage. His goal is to steal, kill, and destroy, and he has well-calculated traps to establish strongholds in your life to do just that. Be sober-minded and alert. This conversation can and should bring glory to God. Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area_____ Talk with Jesus _____ Set a time to talk _____ Fight, not for yourself, but for your oneness as a couple _____ Don’t fall into a trap In-Session Worksheet 31 Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4
Hurdle 2: Heavy Emotions Make every thought _________________ to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8). As thoughts and ideas pass into your mind, you must take them and hold them to the light, seeing what God says about each one. If there is truth to what is said, it stays, and you let it accomplish its work in your life. If it’s not true, replace it with what is true. Rely on the Holy Spirit to have ___________________________ (2 Timothy 1:7). “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,” Paul tells us that the root of not having self-control is fear. In conflict, we often experience an unknown fear of losing control, not being respected, and not being needed, which leads us to lash out. The antidote to fear is trust. Remember, God is a good and sovereign king, and He can use everything to make you more like His Son and produce good things through trials and hurdles that otherwise would not be able to be accomplished. Look for the way ___________ (1 Corinthians 10:13). When the topic is heavy, and the emotions that come with it are heavy, there is a strong opportunity for the conversation to go in a direction that is not helpful. In this passage, Paul tells us that before we are tempted to pursue anger, resentment, shame, or guilt, God will give us a way out. Be on guard. Be aware. If the conversation is getting off track, look for the exit ramp to come back to it at a better time._____ Make every thought surrender to Christ _____ Rely on the Holy Spirit to have self-control _____ Look for the way out Rate each principle for yourself. 1 = Comes naturally to me 5 = I will have to train myself in this area 32 In-Session Worksheet Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4
Take Off Put On Lying (Eph. 4:25) Speaking truth in love (Eph. 4:25) Sinful anger (Eph. 4:26, 31) Self-control & reconciliation (Eph. 4:26, 32) Stealing (Eph. 4:28) Honest work & generosity (Eph. 4:28) Corrupt or harmful speech (Eph. 4:29) Words that build up & give grace (Eph. 4:29) Bitterness, rage, malice (Eph. 4:31) Kindness, compassion, forgiveness (Eph. 4:32) Sexual immorality & impurity (Col. 3:5) Purity & honoring God with your body (1 Cor. 6:18–20) Greed / covetousness (Col. 3:5) Contentment & generosity (Phil. 4:11–13; 1 Tim. 6:6–8) Slander & gossip (Col. 3:8) Encouragement & blessing (Rom. 12:14) Hate or division (Col. 3:8, 15) Love & unity (Col. 3:14–15; Rom. 12:10) Pride & self-centeredness (Phil. 2:3) Humility & serving others (Phil. 2:3–4) Revenge (Rom. 12:19) Forgiveness & leaving justice to God (Rom. 12:19–21)Take Off Self and Put On Christ As Christians, we are invited each day to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, allowing Him to shape us to look more like Jesus. This transformation is not for our salvation but flows from it. Because we have been rescued from sin and death, our old self is meant to fade as our new life in Christ continues to grow as we make choices to put on Christ. (Psalm 16:11; 1 Corinthians 5:17; 6:12). In-Session Resource & Homework 33 Topic Two: Communication | Session Four - Hurdles 2.4 Homework Read 1 Timothy 4:7, which reminds us that godly living does not happen by accident. Like an athlete, it requires intentional training and cooperation with the Holy Spirit. With your spouse, review the list above and share areas where you have grown to look more like Jesus, as well as areas where you want to continue growing in obedience. Be prepared to share at your next session.
Topic Overview Explores the reality of conflict, what may be happening beneath the surface, and how couples can respond in healthy, God-honoring ways. Couples practice tools that help them slow down, understand one another, and work toward peace and resolution. Session Goals Help the couple... See conflict from a biblical perspective. Understand what is really driving their disagreements. Identify unhealthy patterns and obstacles that keep them from peace. Learn practical ways to work through conflict together. Grow toward peace, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Conflict is a normal part of marriage, but it doesn't have to pull you apart. Many conflicts begin with unspoken or unmet expectations or deeper heart issues. Lasting change happens when we deal with the root of the conflict, not just the argument. Peace grows when we choose humility, forgiveness, and a willingness to understand one another. God can use conflict to strengthen both our marriage and our faith. Topic Three: Conflict Resolution
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In-Session Worksheet ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14 in your notebook, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Conflict Resolution, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Getting Started Look back at page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Conflict Resolution (ability to discuss and resolve differences constructively), we are... Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity 36 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
Matthew 5:23-24- “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to handle conflict when we are in the wrong? Matthew 7:3-5- “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” What does this passage teach us about how God wants us to deal with conflict when we “see issues” with other people? Ephesians 4:26-27-“In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” What does this passage teach us about the result of unresolved anger? Colossians 3:13- “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” What does this passage teach us about dealing with people and forgiveness?What the Bible Says About Conflict The Two Realities of Conflict Conflict is __________________ Conflict leads to a path of _____________________ or ___________________. In-Session Worksheet 37 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
Unresolved Past Hurts: I believe that one or both of us is carrying unresolved pain/hurt from a former experience that is keeping us from growing past the conflict. Pride and Self-Centeredness: One or both of us is prioritizing being right over peace and reconciliation, which is hindering us from seeking helpful solutions. Lack of Active Listening: One or both of us is not listening well, resulting in misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts . Unhealthy Resolution or View of Conflict: One or both of us is not dealing with conflict healthily, or would prefer to ignore it altogether. Shame and Guilt: I believe that one or both of us is holding on to past mistakes, which is preventing us from being able to move forward. Discontentment and/or Jealousy: I believe that one or both of us is carrying an attitude of discontentment and/or jealousy that makes it difficult to operate as one.Identifying Common Obstacles to Peace & Reconciliation So why is there conflict? James 4:1 asks the same question, but provides the answer as well: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” We all face internal battles, and these internal conflicts create obstacles to finding peace and reconciliation within relationships. These can stem from past experiences, personal attitudes, and misunderstandings. Some common ones are listed below. Directions: In the box to the left under “My Rating,” rate each obstacle from 1-5, to the degree this obstacle is present in your marriage. Before moving forward, exchange your rating with your spouse and write their score under “Your Rating.” 1 = Issue not present in our marriage; 5 = Issue frequently presentHomework My Rating Your Rating 38 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
What we will DO: (ex: use active listening, limit distractions)What we will NOT DO: (ex: mock, assume the worst, interrupt)Our Plan to Work Through Conflict Our Goal for Conflict: Homework You most likely know enough about yourselves and your relationship to recognize if your current conflict strategy is producing growth or destruction. Consider together: What patterns do we repeat when we disagree, and what do those patterns usually lead to? After an argument, do we feel more understood or more guarded? What would “healthy growth” during conflict actually look like for us, not in theory but in practice? Based on your conversation, fill out the table below for what you, as a couple, are committing to do and committing not to do when you are facing conflict. Respectful Honest Calm Constructive Open Empathetic Patient Collaborative Curious Accountable Balanced Intentional Non-defensive Solution-focused Clear Fair Supportive Self-aware Regulated Trust-building Flexible Safe Attentive Growth-oriented Using the list of positive adjectives that are possible during conflict, circle the ones that are most important to you both as a couple, and write out your goal for dealing with conflict as a couple striving for US. 39 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session One - The Reality of Conflict 3.1
On your own, identify two expectations in each category and write them in the chart. Honestly evaluate the three responses, and answer accordingly. For those you believe to be realistic and the best for your family, put a star and bring with you at your next session for next steps. Identifying & Evaluating Personal ExpectationsIn-Session Worksheet 40 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict 3.2
Finding Common GroundIn-Session Worksheet & HomeworkNAME THE EXPECTATION For ______________________ (category), I have a spoken/unspoken expectation that we should _______________________________________________. I value this because ____________________________________________________________ I think it is realistic because ___________________________________________________ I think it is the best for our family because ___________________________________ FINDING COMMON GROUND FOR “US” To work toward finding common ground, ask your spouse the questions below in the following order. Allow them to respond honestly without blame, shame, or judgment. Do you think this is realistic? Why or why not? Do you think this is best for our family? Why or why not? Would you want to make any adjustments? If a counter suggestion is made, repeat their suggestion: You think we should ____________________________________. Is that right? Would you consider trying this and then reevaluating in ________ (offer a specific time)? If you are not able to find common ground yet, take a break and agree on a time to come back and discuss it. Look through each category on the provided chart. On your own, write down expectations you have in that area. Evaluate and ask yourself: Has this expectation been spoken or is it unspoken? Is this expectation realistic for our family? Is this expectation the best for our family? To dig deeper, why is this expectation important to me? Reflect on Your Expectations Pick one expectation to talk through with your spouse and work through the process below, then take turns. On your first turn, pick an easy (light, safe) expectation. Choose One to Discuss 41 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two - The Role of Expectations in Conflict 3.2
James 4:1-3 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. In-Session Resource 42 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2Your Wants/Desires that are rooted in a heart that battles sin- James 4:1- 3Your Wants/Desires , which are rooted in a sinful heart, Become a Demand (You covet) James 4:2You are not given what you are demanding, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:2THE REMEDY: CHECK YOUR MOTIVES James 4:3 IN HUMILITY, SURRENDER YOUR DESIRES AND WANTS TO JESUS. “It’s not my will, but your will be done.” Luke 22:42 Galatians 2:20 Philippians 2:3-4
The Fight The Demand Wants/DesiresThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresThe Remedy:with Thankfulness and SurrenderContext: The husband wants to invite his extended family over for a big dinner at their house. He feels like they haven’t hosted in a long time and wants to reconnect with everyone. The wife, however, is exhausted from work and personal commitments and doesn’t want to deal with the stress of planning, cooking, and cleaning for a large group right now. The Argument: Husband: “I already told my mom we’d do it. It’s been months since we’ve seen them all. Can’t we just make it happen?” Wife: “You told her yes without asking me first? I’ve got deadlines next week, the house is a mess, and you know I’m burned out.” Husband (irritated): “I figured you’d be fine with it. It’s just one dinner. Why does everything have to be a big issue?” Wife (upset): “Because I’m not a robot, that’s why. You commit me to things without even checking to see if I have the energy. It’s unfair.” Husband: “Unfair? I bend over backwards when your friends come over. I just wanted one night with my family.” Wife: “It’s not about your family. It’s about you not respecting my time or asking first.” Mapping the Conflict In-Session Resource 43 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2
Homework 44 On page 45 is a conversation guide called the Process for Change. It is designed to help you discuss disagreements in a way that protects your relationship without getting to “the fight.” Rather than reacting in the moment, it guides you to prepare your heart, communicate a concern clearly, listen carefully, agree on a practical next step to move forward, and end the conversation with appreciation and hope. This week, take time to practice this process with your past argument above (again, a no-heat topic) or use a small issue like: Where to put keys or wallets The best place to put important mail How to spend one night without screens Be prepared to share how this process went at your next session. Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2The Fight The Demand Wants/DesiresThe FightThe DemandWants/DesiresThe Remedy:with Humility, Thankfulness and Surrender Think through a recent argument that you had (that’s no longer a high-heat topic), and see if you can map out the conflict by identifying each of your wants and demands. What would it look like for Jesus to work on the want and demand as you strive to live out humility, thankfulness, and surrender? Write out some ideas under “The Remedy.” Our argument: _________________________________________________________
HomeworkPray Do the heart work before asking your partner for a time to meet.Why is this bothering you? Should it bother you? How is this behavior making you feel? If left unaddressed, what do you think this could lead to for your relationship?Request a time to TalkI want to talk about something that is concerning me. Please let me know when it’s a good time to talk. I will need 15 minutes.State Your ConcernWhen _____________ (describe the action), it bothers me because ________________ This makes me feel ________________________ If we don’t come to a decision we both agree on, I think this will lead to ______________________________ I need your help.Partner’s Response Without commenting, shame, or judgment, repeat what your partner sharedWhen ________________ happens, it bothers you because _____________________ This makes you feel ___________________ (choose a different word that shows understanding). If we don’t come to a decision we both agreen on, you think it will lead to _______________________ You want to work towards a solution. I want to work to a solution as well.State Your Desired Change Clearly state the behavior/action change you want to happen. It should be realistic and specific. Focus only on one issue.I would like you to ___________________________Partner’s Response Consider the request made by your partner“Can I make this change?” “Am I willing to?” “Do I have conditions or modifications to offer?”Agree on a Plan Include the adjustments offered to the agreement, state the agreement, and ask for confirmation. Restate if necessary with modifications, until both agree. Decide on a time to revisit & evaluate.We are agreeing to _________________. We will check in to see how things are going in ______________ (time specific)Express Appreciation & HopeThank you for listening and being willing to work towards an agreement. I am hopeful that this will help our relationship grow stronger. 45This process is adapted from Chapman, Gary. Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. Moody Publishers, 2010. The Process for Change Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Two: The Creation of Conflict 3.2
Being Reconciled Seeking forgivingness and moving from hostility or hurt to peace and good standing.Using “I” statements... Admit what you did was hurtful and wrong (avoid saying “if I hurt you” - you did hurt them, which is why you are having this conversation). Empathize with the way your actions made them feel. Ask how you can make it right. Ask if they will forgive you. Admit Empathize Ask Hostility Peace 3.3a In-Session Handout 46 Topic Three: Conflict Resolution | Session Three - Facing the Obstacle
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48 Topic Overview Encourages couples to approach finances through biblical stewardship, contentment, and shared responsibility. Couples discuss spending, saving, giving, and financial priorities while working toward greater unity and shared goals. Session Goals Help the couple... Understand God's perspective on money and stewardship. Recognize how their beliefs about money shape their decisions. Grow in contentment, gratitude, and trust. Develop a shared approach to spending, saving, giving, and planning. Make financial decisions that honor God and strengthen their marriage. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Everything we have belongs to God, and we are called to manage it well. Contentment and gratitude protect our hearts from the love of money. Healthy financial conversations begin with shared trust in God. Planning is wise, but our confidence is in the Lord, not our plans. Financial unity grows as we seek God's wisdom together. Topic Four: Money
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If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and write them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the word list provided. Regarding Money, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Money (sharing similar philosophies, agreement on goals, planning, and budgeting), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 50 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Habitude Security Planning Status Giving Carefree Spontaneous In-Session Worksheet Reflection What surprised you about your results? Where do your money habits work well together? Where do they create tension? Strengths & Growth What are our financial strengths as a couple? What are areas where we need more balance or growth? Moving Forward What is one money habit you will intentionally practice together? What is one financial conversation we will revisit? Habitude Result Based on your results, record your rating for each category, 1 (most dominant) - 6 (least dominant). My Notes from the Exercise: 51 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
When you.... Your Heart Says... 1=That’s so great for them! 5=Why Can’t That Happen to Me? Hear that your neighbor, who is younger than you, is going to purchase a newer vehicle because of her end-of-the-year bonus 1 2 3 4 5 Get asked by your best friend to watch her dog because she and her family are going on a dream trip 1 2 3 4 5 Go shopping and see someone come out of an expensive store with bags on their arm 1 2 3 4 5 Meet your buddy for golf, and they show off their brand new driver 1 2 3 4 5 How Content is My Heart? Think honestly about your first gut reaction when you hear the following scenarios: If there is a pulling towards discontentment (or bitterly wanting), when you compare what you have with what others have, you are likely battling against a heart that loves money. In-Session Worksheet 52 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Share your answers with your spouse and be prepared to share at your next session. HomeworkList key things in your life (family, possessions, job, relationships, church, hobbies)Settled Put a check mark if things may not be exactly how you want them, but you're feeling at peace and content with where you are. If something better comes along, great — but you're genuinely okay if nothing changes.Put a check mark if you are somewhere in betweenUnsettled Put a check mark if things are not going the way you want, and you notice that this is affecting your mood, relationships, or decisions, as you're constantly looking for something better.With Thanksgiving Things don’t have to be 100% the way we want them to be in order to be thankful. List at least one thing that you can be thankful for regarding this specific topic, despite the obstacles or challenges that it brings.Maybe Settled or Unsettled....but THANKFUL. Philippians 4:6 53 Topic Four: Money | Session One - Do I Love Money? 4.1
Purposes of Money and the Dangers of Loving Money Whose money is it? Before we begin, we must ask this question. If it’s our money, then we can decide its purpose and determine the dangers. However, if it’s not ours, then that completely changes the conversation. How does the Bible Answer This Question? Deuteronomy 10:14: _________________________________________________________________________________ Psalm 24:1: ___________________________________________________________________________________________ 1 Timothy 6:7: _________________________________________________________________________________________ The Answer: We are not __________________________, we are _________________________. PURPOSES OF MONEY #1: Money is used to __________________________ what we need (Proverbs 6:6-8) #2: Money is used to provide for the ________________________ of others (Proverbs 11:24-25, Psalm 112:5, Luke 3:11) #3: Money is used to __________________________ God (1 Corinthians 10:31) DANGERS OF MONEY #1: Money _____________________________ our _____________________________ #2: Money _______________________ an enslaving __________________________Manages or looks after someone’s property. In-Session Worksheet 54 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2
Old Philosophy Spending: Saving : Giving: New Philosophy Spending: Saving : Giving: Homework Look at these money habits through God’s lens, knowing that we are stewards who are entrusted to manage and look after His things that have been placed in our care. With your spouse, fill out the chart below while answering the questions: 1.Describe your philosophy on spending, saving, and giving before meeting with your Care Couple. 2.After meeting with your Care Couple and examining God’s Word, is there an adjustment to your philosophy that should take place regarding these money habits? Be prepared to share at your next session. 55 Topic Four: Money | Session Two - Purposes & Dangers of Money 4.2
In-Session Worksheet James 4:13-15 13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” What does this passage teach us about planning for the future? Remember... “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9 56 Topic Four: Money | Session Three - If God Wills It 4.3
What are your financial goals for.... We have the structure in place (budget, game plan, same mindset) to help make these goals a reality. If you answered yes... great! If you answered no... continue below! Budgeting & Planning Task List Do you know of a couple who seem to be doing this part of their marriage well? If you do, ask to have coffee with them so you can hear how they started and what they have learned along the way. Our due date for this task: ____________. Do you have a budget that you follow and works for both of you? If you don’t, look on pages 57-59to see three popular budgeting options (zero-based, envelope budget, 50/30/20). Our due date for this task: _____________ Do you currently have a way to track your spending? If not, a simple budgeting worksheet is provided on page 60 to help you get started. If you prefer a digital option, consider using a budgeting app that allows you to track your spending in real time. Our due date for this task: _____________ Do you have a financial planner who can help you establish some long-term goals and good saving habits? If you don’t, schedule an appointment for a consultation. Our due date for this task: _____________ HomeworkYearYearYear 57 Topic Four: Money | Session Three - If God Wills It 4.3
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59 Topic Overview Explores God’s design for sexual intimacy within marriage and the importance of trust, communication, and mutual care. Couples are encouraged to talk honestly about intimacy, navigate differences with grace, and strengthen their emotional and physical connection. Session Goals Help the couple... See God's design and purpose for sexual intimacy. Build trust through honest, respectful conversations. Understand the biblical boundaries that protect intimacy. Work through frustrations and unmet expectations with grace. Strengthen both their emotional and physical connection. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Sexual intimacy is a gift from God, meant to strengthen a husband and wife. Healthy intimacy grows through love, trust, and open communication. God's design and boundaries protect, rather than limit, intimacy. Frustrations and unmet expectations are best worked through together, not ignored. A healthy sexual relationship is built over time through intentional love, mutual care, and growing closer to one another. Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy
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If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and rewrite them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the list of values provided, or write your own. Regarding Sexual Intimacy, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting StartedLook back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Sexual Intimacy (the ability to discuss sexual issues and expectations), we are... ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 In-Session Worksheet 61 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
1. __________________________________ - Genesis 1:28 2. __________________________________ - Genesis 2:24 3. __________________________________ - Proverbs 5:18-19 _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ In-Session Worksheet God’s Good Purposes for Sexual Intimacy: What is the danger of overvaluing one gift over the others? 62 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
Let’s Talk About It! Why Talk About Sexual Intimacy? 1. Sexual Communication Predicts Relationship Satisfaction A study by two researchers found that sexual communication—how openly couples discuss their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries—is a strong predictor of overall marital satisfaction, above and beyond other types of intimacy.1 2. Communication Is a Key Factor of Increased Intimacy & Satisfaction In a study completed with 50 couples, researchers found that open sexual communication consistently correlates with higher sexual satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and the long-term well-being of their relationship. 2 3. Communication Reduces Conflict & Builds Trust Another study shows that couples who have nonjudgmental and open sexual discussions have lower conflict, more trust, and a stronger emotional connection, translating into stronger relationships overall.3 If you can talk openly about sex, it most likely means you have a satisfying sex life and can speak about other areas in your marriage more openly too. Mark, K. P., & Lasslo, J. A. (2018). Sexual communication as a predictor of relationship satisfaction within married individuals. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(6), 753–774. 1 Hurlbert, D. F., Apt, C., & Gasarowski, S. (2013). Communication, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction: A quantitative integration. Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 21(1), 10–17. 2 Wright, R. S., & McCabe, M. P. (2020). Open sexual dialogue and marital resilience: Clinical case studies. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(2), 295–308.3Affection & Non-Sexual Touch (holding hands, hugging, cuddling) When do you feel most loved physically? What types of non-sexual touch help you feel close? Romance & Emotional Connection Favorite ways to date or be pursued. Gestures that make you feel wanted or attractive. Times you’ve felt emotionally closest to each other. Frequency & Rhythm Preferred frequency (write down a number and share it). How to handle your number discrepancy without hurt. Signals or cues that you give to express interest.Homework: Starting the Conversation 1.Establish Rules - No judgment. Just curiosity. 2.A “pass” can be a legit answer as you get started. You decide how many you each get. 3.Keep the conversation light-hearted, playful, and fun. 4.Consider the following categories: In-Session & Homework 63 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session One - God’s Good Purposes for Sex 5.1
Read the Passage andRead the Passage and Make Observations:Make Observations: Read the Passage and Make Observations: Guardrail #2 Do not defile the marriage bed. God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterer. (Hebrews 13:4) Guardrail #1 Do not refuse to give your bodies to each other, except for an agreed-upon time, and to reconnect with God through prayer. (1 Corinthians 7:5)Read the Passage andRead the Passage and Make Observations:Make Observations: Read the Passage and Make Observations: The Foundation for This Relationship Love, Respect, Mutual Care (This will be covered in homework) Questions to Consider: Why is it important to know these guardrails? If we are operating between these guardrails and on this foundation, we can enjoy God’s gift and design of sexual intimacy in our marriage relationship. So,So, are we?are we? So, are we? In-Session Worksheet 64 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy 5.2
Foundation for Marriage The World’s View God’s View Love Respect Mutual Care The Foundation for Marriage: Love, Respect, Mutual Care As a couple, read Ephesians 5:21-28 and 1 Peter 3:1, 7. Think about the world’s view of love, respect, and mutual care, and compare that with God’s view seen from these passages. HomeworkIn what ways, if any, have you seen the world’s view of love, respect, or mutual care creep into your mindset, and how has that affected your relationship? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 65 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Two - The Guardrails & Foundation of Sexual Intimacy 5.2
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.LOVELOVELOVEFilling up YourFilling up YourFilling up YourTankTankTank1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.What is included in your list of “all things” ? This is a command. Commands are necessary because we have to remind our “old self” what is true and right. Don’t stop loving! Love anyway. How do we keep loving when we don’t have a lot of love to give? Fill up the LOVE TANK! DATE OFTEN!! Have fun together! In-Session Worksheet 66 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations 5.3
Switch books with your partner and have them answer the same question. I, (_______________________), feel most loved by my spouse when...Your name I, (_______________________), feel most loved by my spouse when...Your name Circle your Love Language: Gifts Acts of Service Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Filling Up Your Love Tank Return your book back to your partner and discuss what you wrote. Circle your Love Language: Gifts Acts of Service Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Date Night Ideas Work together to create a list of date night ideas and agree on how often you will decide to do them (once a week, every other week). Note: They don’t have to be high- budget dates. Use Google to help give ideas. Homework 67 Topic Five: Sexual Intimacy | Session Three - Frustrations and Expectations 5.3
68 Topic Overview Helps couples recognize how family experiences, expectations, roles, and patterns can influence their marriage. Couples identify what they want to carry forward, what may need to change, and how they can intentionally build the culture they want for their family. Session Goals Help the couple... Recognize how their past has shaped their marriage and family. Identify the areas where God is growing them in this season of their lives. Understand God's design for their roles in marriage. Build healthy habits that strengthen their home. Continue growing together in Christ long after Care & Grow ends. Takeaways Couples should leave knowing... Our past may shape us, but it doesn't have to define us. Healthy homes are built one intentional choice at a time. God's design for marriage helps families flourish. Spiritual growth in each spouse strengthens the whole family. A thriving marriage is rooted in Christ and continues to grow with purpose and gratitude. Topic Six: Family Dynamics
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If you completed Topic 1.3 (Identifying Core Values) on page 14, review your answers and rewrite them below. If you did not complete this exercise, choose from the list of values provided, or write your own. Regarding Family Dynamics, I most value: ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ Integrity Honesty Respect Compassion Responsibility Loyalty Faith Perseverance Kindness Gratitude Courage Service Excellence Humility Purpose Trust Wisdom Justice Growth Love Empathy Authenticity Discipline Creativity Stewardship Generosity Getting Started Look back to page 9 in your workbook. What rating did you give your relationship? If you did not complete this section, rate your marriage now. In the area of Family Dynamics (ability to work together and “enjoy the journey”), we are... In-Session Worksheet ThrivingSurviving 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 70 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
Family A Family B (if needed) Healthy Patterns or Behaviors 1. We frequently shared with each other about what was going on in our lives. 2. When a problem arose, we didn’t generally get mad and explode; we usually sat down and tried to resolve it. 3. We usually had family meals together several times a week. 4. We had a set of core values and beliefs we followed. 5. We made sacrifices for each other. 6. We were pretty good at communicating openly and respectfully. 7. We liked to hang out together. 8. Family rules and expectations were clear, and consequences were fair. 9. My parents/guardians modeled healthy ways to deal with stress and problems that arose. 10. My parents/guardians were an example of how I want my spouse and me to treat each other. 11. Family chores were well distributed and everyone was expected to pull their own weight. 12. Asking one another for forgiveness, especially from parents, was demonstrated on a regular basis. Directions: Think about your first “life classroom” (your family of origin), or if you have been married for over three years, consider your current situation. Read the statements and assign a rank for each using a 1-5 scale - using your first instinct. 1-Never 2-Rarely 3- Sometimes 4-Most Often 5-Always Reflect on your responses. As you reflect on your answers, what do these numbers tell you about what you observed growing up, how relationships were modeled, what values were demonstrated, how roles were distributed, and how expectations were shared? Consider how it impacts your family today. Share your observations with your spouse and mentor couple. Knowing Where I’ve Been In-Session Worksheet 71 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
HomeworkKeep:Leave Out:Add: Based on your responses to the in-session exercise with your spouse, prayerfully consider what the Lord would have you KEEP, ADD, or LEAVE OUT as you establish patterns and behaviors for your home. Be prepared to share your answers with your mentor couple at your next session. Joshua 24:15 “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” 72 The new patterns, attitudes, and behaviors that reflect the kind of family you hope to build.Patterns and behaviors that you want to remain as you intentionally build your family together. Patterns and behaviors that you want to lay aside as you move forward in establishing your family together. Family Vision Tree Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session One - Where We’ve Been 6.1
Fruit of the Spirit How It Might Look in Daily Life How the Flesh Might Show Up in Daily Life Fruit Growth in my Life Love Choosing to forgive when hurt, serving your spouse, showing compassion Withholding affection, holding grudges, prioritizing your desires over others. Joy Finding contentment even when the season is hard, outward expression of inward reality Complaining constantly, resenting others’ blessings, tying happiness to possessions or control. Peace Choosing calm over panic, resolving conflict gently, and trusting God instead of obsessively worrying. Escalating arguments, constantly stressed, avoiding reconciliation. Patience Remaining calm and steady through frustrating circumstances. Snapping quickly, demanding immediate results, quitting commitments when it gets hard. Kindness choosing gentle words during conflict, helping your spouse without being asked. Using sarcasm to wound, dismissing others’ needs, taking rather than giving. Goodness Being faithful when no one is watching Compromising integrity, making decisions based on selfish gain, justifying sin. Faithfulness Consistent, Keeping promises, showing up when you say you will. Breaking trust, neglecting responsibilities, prioritizing self- interest over relationships. Gentleness Listening before responding, showing empathy when your spouse fails. Dominating conversations, belittling others, reacting pridefully instead of humbly. Self Control Setting boundaries and keeping them, is not controlled by the circumstances around them Acting on impulse, giving in to sin, allowing emotions to rule your choices. In-Session Resource 1 - Not existent; 5 - Consistently present Examining the Fruit of the Spirit in MeCircle the three Fruits of the Spirit that show up the most in your daily life (ask your spouse if they agree). How do these fruits add to your home and to your relationship with your spouse and kids, if applicable? Put a star next to the three that are your weakest, or that are not present often. How do those negatively impact your home and family? 73 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
HomeworkActivity Goal: To create one clear, Scripture-based family goal that intentionally addresses a specific healthy pattern that you want to establish in your family. Read the verses from the list provided on page 77 to get started. Using the verses provided (or others you choose), select a passage that speaks to one habit or behavior you want to ADD to your home. Write the Scripture reference inside the jar as a reminder that lasting change begins with God's Word. If there are several areas you'd like to grow in, focus on ONE at a time and trust God to work as you take each intentional step. Using the verses you put in the jar, work together to identify a goal for your family, display it, and consider steps to put it into action. If children are present in the home, consider getting their input. If you need help creating a statement, use the following prompt: Because we are a family that wants to serve the Lord, we want to value what He values and that includes _______________ (a fruit of the Spirit). Therefore, we will cooperate with Jesus and His Word in __________ (passage) and strive to _______________ (positive behavior). Ideas to keep your family goal front of mind: Write it on a piece of paper and put it in the middle of the dinner table. Tape it to the bathroom mirror Hang it on the refrigerator, and follow up! Once a week at dinner, ask your family ways that they were able to implement the family goals. To take it another step forward, choose one verse a week from your jar and memorize it as a family (complete with motions is always fun). Our Family Goal: Establishing Family Goals __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________ Remind your family of the Gospel. You aren’t making this goal so God will be pleased with you. God has given you so much through Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection (freedom from the power of sin, forgiveness from our sin, and a forever relationship with Him), and this is a proper response to that reality. We desire to obey His commandments, not out of obligation, but love. (John 14:15). 74 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
Homework Passage Is this seen in our home? Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” John 13:34–35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Romans 12:10 “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:17 “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.” 1 Corinthians 13:5 “[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Ephesians 4:2–3 “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:31–32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Philippians 2:3–4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” Colossians 3:12 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” Colossians 3:13 “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 75 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Two: Where We Are 6.2
Ephesians 5:15-33 15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery — but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.Husbands Wives What is the command to the husband? Love your wives, as Christ loves the church(vs. 26). Love their wives as their own body so that she is without spot or wrinkle (vs 27-28). What is the command to the wife? Submit in everything to your husband, this submission mirrors the church’s submission to the Lord (vs 22, 24). Must respect your husband (vs. 33). In-Session Resource Key Observations 76 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Husbands, love your wives as your own bodies... (vs. 28) ...As Christ loves the church The result of the husband’s love and Christ’s love HOW DO WE LOVE OURSELVES? We nourish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus nourish the church? We cherish ourselves, vs. 29 How does Jesus cherish the church? In-Session ResourceTo nourish means: to provide whatever is physically necessary to lead to growth, health, and good condition. How do we naturally nourish ourselves? How does Jesus nourish the church? What would it look like to nourish your wife in this way?To cherish means: to lovingly protect and emotionally care. How do we naturally cherish ourselves? How does Jesus cherish the church? What would it look like to cherish your wife in this way? The Husband’s Role The result of your love should produce flourishing in the life of your wife (without spot or wrinkle). 77 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
How Jesus Nourishes the Church: 1. He Gives Provision (John 6:35) He provides for the Church through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and His ongoing intercession. 2. He Guides (Ephesians 4:11-13) Through Scripture and the Holy Spirit, Christ gives wisdom and correction that leads to our maturity. 3. He Sanctifies (Ephesians 5:26) He continually works in believers to make them more like Him. 4. He Protects and Preserves (John 17:15, Matthew 16:18) He remains faithful even when the Church is weak or struggling. Does the way I nourish my wife reflect the way that Jesus nourishes the church? Am I giving her provision? Guidance? Spiritual Care? Protection? How Jesus Cherishes the Church: 1. He Loves with Sacrificial Devotion (Ephesians 5:25) His love isn’t based on performance; it's covenantal, sacrificial, and enduring. 2. He Delights in the Church (Zephaniah 3:17) Jesus doesn’t just tolerate the Church; He treasures her. 3. He Calls the Church His Bride (Revelation 19:7) This metaphor speaks of closeness, exclusivity, and joy. 4. He Intercedes for the Church Constantly (Romans 8:34) He is actively involved in our well-being. Does the way I cherish my wife reflect the way that Jesus cherishes the church? Am I showing sacrificial devotion? Delighting in her? Giving her exclusivity to my heart? Am I active in her well being?Bonus Resource 78 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
Submit to your husband in everything, vs. 29 Must respect your husband, vs. 33Respect means to esteem or value. In what ways do you show your husband that you respect him? Why do you think that being respected is so important to a husband? Submission means willingly putting yourself under the leadership of your husband out of love for Christ, while maintaining your value. The idea of submission is quite common in our world, and vs. 29 assumes that there is a pattern of submission to the Lord in your daily life. What are ways you submit to the Lord? In Matthew 26:26-46, how does Jesus model what biblical submission looks like? What Biblical Submission is Not: Looking at Jesus’ example in Matthew 26:53, is biblical submission the inability or lack of opportunity to share your thoughts or opinions? Was it forced on Him? In-Session Resource The Wife’s Role 79 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
What can I do to make you feel provided for and protected (nourished)? In what ways can I make you feel valued and important (cherished)? Is there an aspect of your life that is not flourishing (physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, relationally)? What can I do to help you strengthen that area? When I am not loving you well, I would want you to let me know by.... Homework Husband to Wife: The Goal: Loving You Well Wife to Husband: The Goal: Respectfully Following Your Lead How do I make you feel respected? What does it practically look like to follow your lead? When do you feel like I am most following your leadership over our family? What ways can I best support you as your helper? When you are leading our family in a direction that I am not certain about, what would be the best way to respectfully share my concern or opinion? Consider going on a date (a coffee date works too!) and work through the following questions. Using the SMART method for setting goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time- specific), talk with your spouse about ways that you can honor them within God’s design for their role in your family. Example Husband: I will be on “bath duty” with the kids every day during the week, so my wife can have 30 minutes to herself to do what she needs or wants to do. Wife: When my husband comes home, I will give him 30 minutes to just be home before going over a to-do list or issues from the day. The Roles in Our Marriage 80 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Three: Where We Are Going 6.3
In-Session Resource “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7 Rooted Psalm 1:2-4 How can I deepen my roots in my relationship with Jesus? What are things that I have learned throughout Care & Grow that will lead to deepening roots with my spouse? What are actions I can take to develop structures and systems that support my growth as a follower of Jesus? Built Up & Established John 6:68 Abounding in Thanksgiving 1 Thessalonians 5:16 Think back to how God has intervened on your behalf through difficult seasons. Write a prayer of thanksgiving. What are actions I can take to develop structures and systems that support growth in my relationship with my spouse? Reflect on recent events in your marriage that have represented growth. Write a prayer of thanksgiving. 81 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
Homework “Dayenu” is a traditional Jewish song of gratitude that is sung during Passover, and this Hebrew word literally means, “that would have been enough.” The song follows a sequence of events through the Old Testament in which God graciously and miraculously interacted or intervened on behalf of His people, and after each event, everyone joins in saying, “that would have been enough.” This time of deep reflection and thanksgiving can be incredibly powerful as we strive to live lives that “abound with thanksgiving.” Remove distractions and pray together, asking the Lord to remind you of the many ways that He has acted or intervened on your behalf - both for your salvation and in your daily lives. Use these prompts as a guide to get started. In the next section you will add details from your own story. Reflect on the core gifts God has given through Jesus. After each one, pause and say together: “That would have been enough.” You created me in Your image. That would have been enough. You loved me even when I was an enemy. That would have been enough. You sent Jesus to save me, while I was still sinning. That would have been enough. Jesus died for me and rose again, giving me a new heart and a new life. That would have been enough. You gave me the Holy Spirit to intercede, guide, comfort, and transform me. That would have been enough. You gave me the Church to walk alongside me. That would have been enough. You give me forgiveness again and again. That would have been enough. You promise to be with me always. That would have been enough. Together say: “Even if God had only done one of these, it would have been enough, yet He has done all of them.” That Would Have Been Enough 82 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4
Homework “Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” Colossians 2:6-7 As a couple, take a few minutes and reflect on each stage of your life and your life together, and the ways God has worked on your behalf. Write them, as specifically as you can, in the blanks below and follow the above pattern once again. Possible ideas to consider: An answered prayer God-given strength to keep going in a difficult season A person who encouraged or cared for you well Opportunities to grow that you were not expecting A closed door that was really God’s protection A moment of joy or peace ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” ____________________________________________________________________________________________ “That would have been enough” Together say: “And still, You gave me more.” Closing Prayer: “Jesus, You have given me more than enough. Teach me to walk in gratitude, to see Your hand in every step, and to trust Your goodness in every season. In Your Name, Amen.” That Would Have Been Enough 83 Topic Six: Family Dynamics | Session Four: How Do We Get There 6.4