Again

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1 Chapter One If you’d told me seven years ago that I’d be in a long-term relationship with a guy who wasn’t Lucas, I would’ve laughed in everyone’s face. Back then, it wasn’t even something I could imagine. I didn’t see a future that didn’t somehow include him, because I saw him as my whole future instead of a memory that he has now become. But sometimes the thing you wanted most was the one thing you’re never meant to have. And that’s a hard pill to swallow, but you’ll eventually get over it. And life keeps moving. You wake up one day and realise you didn’t think about them as much as you did before. Then a few days pass. A few weeks. Then months. New people come to mind, and you fall in love again. And suddenly, the past doesn’t hurt as much. Seven years is a long time. I became a different person with different dreams and goals. And somewhere during those years, I fell in love with Christopher. For the last year, he’s been my everything. Life didn’t turn out how 18-year-old me thought it would. But that’s okay. Because 18-year-old me didn’t know that life could still be good even when it doesn’t go according to plan. My foot tap against the sidewalk as I glance at my watch for, like, the 20th time. My boyfriend said he’d be here at 6:30. It’s 6:55. Our reservation at our favourite steak restaurant is at seven, and it’s a fifteen

2 minute drive away. I don’t want my cousin, Lauren, and her fiancé waiting too long. I’m just about to call him when my phone buzzes. On the way. Sorry. I sigh and slide my phone back into my pocket. Then I look up. The sky is clear, and the moon is bright and full. A memory immediately comes to mind. Make a wish. For a second, I’m thirteen again. Sitting on a dock by the lake, listening to the water hit the wood beneath me. Headlights cut through the darkness. I couldn’t even make a wish when Christopher stopped in front of me. The passenger window rolls down, and he flashes me a guilty smile. “I’m so sorry, baby.” I slide into the passenger seat, clicking my seatbelt in. “You owe Lauren an apology,” I instruct, looking back to the road. “She’s been waiting for like twenty minutes.” I can feel him looking at me. When I glance over, he’s smiling. I fight back my own and gesture at the road. “Just drive.” He laughs and starts the car. For the next few minutes, we talk about our days. I tell him about the dog that bit my hand while I was trying to treat it. It was a chihuahua, and it was rushed into my vet clinic after being attacked by a German Shepherd. He tells me about work and how his boss announced a new project, which means everyone will have more work. I look over at him. His dark, curly hair is a little messy from the day, and he’s still wearing his work clothes. A black suit with a tie. His sleeves are rolled up as he makes a turn.

3 “Still being overworked?” I say. “I feel like I barely saw you this week.” Every morning, I’d wake up, and he’d already be gone. Then I’d get home, and by the time I fell asleep, he still wouldn’t be back. “I know. It’s been busy.” “I miss you.” His eyes meet mine for a second before returning to the road. He reaches his hand for mine. “I miss you too, but I promise it’s just this week.” I squeeze his hand, tracing my thumb over his knuckles. “Next week, I’m all yours,” he says. “I promise.” “I love you.” “I love you too.” A few minutes later, we pull up in front of the restaurant. He parks, and we head inside together. I immediately spot Lauren and her husband sitting in one of the booths, their backs turned toward us. We slide into the seats across from them. Her husband, Johnny, gestures towards us, while Lauren is on the phone. “Honey, did you check under the bed?” Lauren asks on the phone. A loud “Yes!” comes through the phone, and I already know it’s her seven-year-old daughter. Lauren closes her eyes for a second and sighs. “Okay, then check your closet. I don’t know.” I bite back a laugh as I look at my boyfriend. He’s already smiling. He leans closer and lowers his voice so only I can hear. “Can’t wait to put one in your stomach.” I cringe at him. “A baby?”

4 His face is only inches from mine when he nods. “Then you better hurry up and propose,” I flirt. His smile widens. “Soon.” He gives me a quick kiss before settling back into his seat, still wearing that stupid smile. God, I love him so much. Sometimes I look at him and still can’t believe I get to call him mine. He’s so smart, and he’s a lawyer. He spends hours arguing in court just to come home and listen to me talk about my day. And he came into my life when everything was falling apart. He brought back the spark I thought was forever taken from me, and he reminded me what it felt like to be happy again. “Sorry, Aria lost Bubbles again.” Lauren places her phone down. “Did you tell her to check under—” “I told her to check everywhere. Even the fridge, and she’s freaking out.” Lauren looks at Johnny. “Do you know where she is?” Johnny’s eyes dart around the table. He suddenly looks very interested in anything except the question. I notice. Christopher notices. And eventually, Lauren does too. She slowly straightens up, narrowing her eyes at him. “Where did you put Bubbles?” Johnny’s shoulders drop, almost like he’s relieved he doesn’t have to keep pretending. “She’s in the car…” Lauren’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Why?” “Aria’s too old to be sleeping with a teddy bear.” Lauren stares at him. “She’s six!” “Exactly.”

5 “Johnny. She’s still a baby.” “When I was six, I was sleeping in my own room. She still crawls into our bed every night.” “You’re going to miss this when she’s older.” Christopher leans into me again and whispers, “We’re having a few years to ourselves before kids, right?” “Of course.”

6 Chapter two Age 13 I cross off July 4th and circle July 5th. Because today is the day summer actually starts. Just a few hours until I’m in the mountains. At the lake. I’ve been waiting for this all year. Every year. “Are we there yet?” I ask my mum as I type away on my phone. I’m texting Lauren, who arrived at Hillcrest a week ago. Already a whole week without me. She told me there are new people this summer. Friends she met a few days ago. “Half an hour,” mum replies as she drives. Thirty minutes, which basically sums up to five minutes, so basically I’m already at the lake. I roll down the window, and I can smell the pine and hear the crickets. The air is getting cooler, and my stomach won’t stop doing flips. I only feel that when I’m here. “Wake me up when we’re there.” I rest my head on the car door and close my eyes. I let the wind slap me in the face and mess up my hair, but I don’t care. I let it happen. I’m too happy to care about anything. I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling since we left the airport. And just like that, thirty minutes felt like thirty seconds, and I’m out of the car before it fully stops. I run towards Lauren. I haven’t seen her in a whole year. “You got taller,” she says. “Good. I’m a teenager now.” I pull back. “And you got rid of the braces!” “Finally. I’ve had those things since I was 11—”

7 “Christine! Come help me with the bags!” My mum’s opening the trunk. I give my aunt a quick hug, then grab a bag and a suitcase. ***** I’m sitting cross-legged on our bedroom floor, rummaging through my suitcase. Where the hell did I put my favourite shorts? “So, Christine,” Lauren starts. She’s already in her dark blue bikini, curling her lashes. I look down at my own one-piece swimsuit. The one I’ve had for two summers. “You’re moving schools this year?” “Yeah.” “Are you excited?” I pause. “I dunno.” I’m scared. Because this school year was so bad, and what if the new school is worse? What if my mum is paying for a more expensive school for nothing and I hate it just as much? Or even worse? What if there will be replicants of the classmates I hate so much? I don’t know where the hate of me started. Maybe when Chantelle told me who her crush was. I didn’t tell anyone, but somehow everyone in the class found out and made fun of her for it. Her crush got so annoyed that he blamed Chantelle for all the jokes and started hating her. She blamed me for everything. I swore to her I didn’t tell anyone. She swore I did. That was in November. She did something that got everyone against me for the rest of the school year. I had to eat lunch alone in the bathroom stall because it was easier than sitting alone in the cafeteria. I had to hear the girls whisper about me. They would be loud on purpose. I stopped looking up when I heard my name. And I begged and cried for my mum to let me change schools. I never told her the whole truth, just that some girls kept making fun of me.

8 She’d always just tell me, “Ignore them and stay with your friends like Chantelle, Maya…” They were the reason I wanted to leave. “A little scared, you know? Cause I’ll be the new girl,” I continue. She looks at me through the mirror. “It’s better, no? You can literally choose what you want your personality to be.” “How? Even if I try to, I’ll always end up being myself.” “Well, that’s good.” I groan exaggeratedly. “No, it’s not! I want to have more friends.” “You do—” “No, I don’t!” I throw my hands in the air. “I’m too boring and not funny. I don’t know how to be funny.” “Just troll around.” “How?!” She turns to me. “Listen, you’ll make friends at your school, and the friends here are super nice, and they’ll like you. But they’re all mainly my age, though, like 15, 16 and stuff, but they’re all really cool.” “Will they leave me out because they’re older?” She scoffs. “They won’t. There’s a boy who’s your age.” “13?” “Yeah. His sister is like my best friend here,” she says. “And he’s always with us. Like everywhere. We never leave him out.” “Okay, good.” The door opens, and my mum sticks her head in. “You guys want pizza?” I’m about to say yes, but then Lauren says, “No thanks. We’re going to the lake, and we’re having a barbecue after.” Mum smiles. “How fun.” ****

9 I place my towel down and smear sunscreen all over my face. Lauren drops her bag, peels off her shorts, and runs straight into the water. She didn’t even wait for me. My eyes follow her as she swims towards the group. Three guys and two girls, including Lauren. I’m the only one on the dock and the only one who doesn’t know anyone. “Hi!” One of the girls waves her whole arm. “My name’s Jazzy!” I smile. I feel nervous, but I hope it doesn’t look it. “Christine!” I yell back. I walk to the edge of the dock and sit down. My feet hit the water. Cold. Goosebumps crawl up my legs. I splash a little, trying to get used to it. Jazzy and Lauren swim over. They rest their arms on the dock, heads tilted up at me, eyes squinting against the sun. “I love your curls," Jazzy says, and I feel my whole face blush. I mumble a thank-you, but she cuts me off, whipping her head towards the guys, who are taking turns jumping off the raft. “Guys! This is Lauren’s cousin, Christine! Say hi!” My cheeks warm more. I hate being the centre of attention. I hate how my face goes red when I didn’t even do anything. They wave. Except for one guy who’s just staring at me. He’s shorter than the rest. Around my height, maybe a little shorter. He’s bronzed. His hair’s brown and fluffy, all spiked up from the water. “Gosh, Lucas. She’s your age! Say hi!” Jazzy shouts. He only smiles. He doesn’t even look at me when he does. And he jumps back in the water Jazzy groans, looking back at me. “Sorry. He’s shy.” “He’s your brother?”

10 “Yeah.” She rolls her eyes. “I hate when he does this. You know?” I don’t know, but I just nod anyway. “It’s cause barely anyone from outside the country comes to Hillcrest. So, when they do, it’s kind of exciting. But once he gets to know you, and is comfortable, he’ll never shut up. ” “How many people live here?” I question. “Really little. Like 370 people or something.” Both mine and Lauren’s eyes widened. “Just?!” Jazzy laughs. “It’s a small village.” “And you live here all year?” “All year. But it’s nice, you know? But can also be boring.” I try to imagine it. 370 people. My school had way more people than that.

11 Chapter three Age 13 We stayed at the lake until the sun went down. The water was cold at first, but I eventually got used to it. We swam and kept jumping off the dock. Someone started rating my jumps. I think it was Adam, the one with the blondish hair. He gave me a solid 4 out of 10. I gave him a 2. Only because he gave me a 4. Then he tried to teach me how to do a backflip. It failed. It was easy talking to them. No one looked at me like I was weird. When I said or did something stupid, they didn’t judge or laugh at me. They laughed with me. I didn’t overthink every move. And I genuinely felt relaxed. Something I haven’t felt in a while. “George!” Adam called over, holding a tray of chicken on a stick. He and George were in charge of the barbecue. They were both shirtless as George took the tray from Adam and placed it on the wooden table. Lauren was cutting vegetables for a salad, and Jazzy was setting out the drinks. “Do you need help?” I asked Lauren as I stood behind her, my hands resting on her shoulders as she kept chopping the tomatoes. “No. But Jazzy! Where’s the speaker?” “Inside on the counter.” Lauren tilts her head towards me. “Can you grab it?” I nod and head inside. I don’t spot it on the counter, but I see Lucas sitting on the couch, controller in his hand. His thumb moves quickly as he tries to kill the zombies on the screen.

12 Lucas and I barely spoke today, but every once in a while, I’d feel his eyes on me. But every time I’d look over, he was already looking away. “Uh, do you know where the speaker is?” He turns sideways for a moment before reaching one hand down beside the couch. He doesn’t take his eyes off the TV as he picks up the speaker and holds it out towards me. “Thanks,” I say, taking it from him. “The food’s almost ready.” He nods. “Okay.” And i head back outside. After a bit, we’re all sitting around the table, eating and talking. Adam clears his throat and randomly stands up. He raises his glass of pepsi and taps the side with his knife. “Should’ve been a beer, but someone here forgot to buy it.” He eyes Jazzy. “Anyways—“ Jazzy scoffs. “Nobody told me to, you asswipe.” “Drinks are beer, Jazzy.” “Pepsi is also a drink.” “Not when I said beer, it isn’t.” “You never said beer.” “I said drinks.” Jazzy glares. “Just shut up.” Adam blinks at her. “How can I shut up if I’m making a toast—” George throws a crumpled tissue at him. “Just say the toast or sit your ass down.” Adam watches as the tissue falls to the ground. “That better not have been your mucus or saliva.” “Say the toast!” Jazzy yells, clearly fed up. I’m just sitting there, smiling and amused.

13 “Okay, chill.” Adam clears his throat as he’s about to finally say his toast— A fly buzzes straight into Lucas’s mouth. I wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t jerked back in his chair and started coughing. I only noticed when the fly buzzes out of his mouth. Everyone pauses. Then someone snorts. And we all start laughing. “Were you, like, breathing with your mouth wide open?” Jazzy laughs and mocks the way he must have been breathing for the fly to have flew in. “I was yawning!” Lucas tries to explain but no one really listens. Adam raises his glass higher. “To the bug that just flew into Lucas’s mouth. That’s the most protein he had all week!” “I always eat protein!” Jazzy eyes him “You don’t eat shit.” He pauses and looks up. In a quieter and calmer tone, he says. “And thank you, God, for the food. Amen.” He downs his Pepsi like it's a shot. **** “Everyone’s going?” I ask as Jazzy sneaks into her parents’ car. Adam already jumps into the passenger seat. George and Lauren slide into the back. Adam has his arm out of the window, tapping on the car roof. “Yeah. You wanna come?” “She’s like twelve,” Lauren says. I haven’t been twelve for eight months, but okay. “She can’t drink.” “So?” Adam scrunches his brows. “I started drinking when I was ten.”

14 I shake my head. “I don’t drink.” But staying here alone with Lucas sounds even worse—us on the couch, him playing his zombie game, me pretending to be interested. “Can I still come, though? I like the drive.” Adam waves a hand. “Get in.” I slide into the backseat. A few minutes later, Lucas gets in next to me. Guess he didn’t want to play his zombie game after all. And we’re all squished. I end up moving to sit on Lauren’s lap so everyone can be more comfortable. Adam twists around in his seat with a smirk on his face. He starts wiggling. “I’m so comfortable here.” Lauren rolls her eyes at him. Adam blows a kiss at her. For the next fifteen minutes, we’re singing along to three different songs before we arrive. Jazzy parks. The place is cute. Little downtown with restaurants, bars, and tiny shops. There’s even an arcade. There are lampposts everywhere. I’ve been here many times before with my mum, grandma, aunt and Lauren. This town is called Hammena, and it’s just 15 minutes away from our small village. Everyone scrambles out and heads towards the bar. I’m about to follow when I notice Lucas still sitting in the car with his phone. No one even questions it. Like he always does this. I stick my head back in. “You’re not coming?” He looks up. “What am I gonna do in there?” “Be with us?” He shakes his head. “Go. I hate bars.” I stand there for a moment, half in, half out. I could stay, but I’d rather go with the others. I look up, and they’re becoming farther and farther.

15 But something about leaving him alone in the dark car feels… I don't know. “You sure?” “Yeah.” He looks at his phone again. I nod and push through the crowd before I lose them completely. I slip between people, muttering sorrys and excuse mes. I catch up as they reach the door. A man at the front of the bar glances into Jazzy’s and Lauren’s bags before waving us through. “who was that?” I ask Lauren. “A bodyguard?” “A bouncer.” “what is that?” “someone who checks you’re not bringing any stuff that’s not allowed. Like you can’t bring a drink in here.” I make an O shape with my mouth. Then we’re inside. Flashing lights. Loud music. So many people. People dancing and singing along to the music. Jazzy grabs Lauren’s wrist and drags her towards the bar. I just stand there. I don’t know where to look. I don’t know where to go. Everyone here looks way older. I feel a hand on my back. I tense, but then I see it’s George. He’s not looking at me, just guiding me forward. We reach the bar, and I see Lauren and Jazzy take shots. This is my first time seeing my cousin drink. And she drinks it like she’s used to drinking. I feel a nudge on my arm, and it’s Adam smirking with raised brows. He tries to hand me a shot with a lemon. I just shake my head. “Come on! It’s good!” Adam yells over the music.

16 “I don’t drink!” I shout back. He looks at me for a moment. Like he’s genuinely confused. He’s probably wondering how someone would say no to that. And maybe when he was 13, he and everyone around him loved it. But I hate it. I hate how people look when they drink and how aggressive and weird they become. My dad used to drink a lot. Every day. And I hated who he became. I hate the way he talked to my mum. The way he talked to me. And how aggressive he’d be. I never want to be that person. “Don’t worry. The camera footages won’t go to your mum!” Adam tries again. “I know, but I still don’t want!” “You’re like Lucas!” I just smile and look around the dance floor before looking back at Adam. He shrugs. “Okay, then, your loss.” And gulps it down, then bites into the lemon. His whole face scrunches up, but then he grins and sticks his tongue out as this feeling gives him an adrenaline rush. I take a step back. “Is there a bathroom—“ And bump into someone from behind. The cold hits me. Liquid splashes through my tank top. Before I even turn around, I hear shouts and curse words from the man behind me. I turn around. “I’m so sorry.” He’s a bigger man, bald. Looks around his forties. I can tell he wanted to shout at me more. He opens his mouth like he’s about to. But closes it, glares at me, and curses under his breath before walking away. “Are you good?” George asks.

17 I look up. The whole group’s staring at me. My face heats up. And for some reason, I feel like crying. It’s just a spilt drink. He didn’t even really shout at me. He could have done worse, but he didn’t. So why am I such a crybaby? “Yeah,” I mumble, looking down at my shirt. “Here.” Lauren hands me some tissues. “Be careful, Christine.” I take them, but I don’t know what to do with them. There’s too much. It’s not going to fix anything. “It’s too hot in here,” I say, fanning myself. “I’m going outside.” “You want me to come with?” Lauren asks. Yes. “No, it’s fine.” Lauren nods. “Okay.” As I’m leaving the bar, someone steps on my foot, which makes me want to cry even more. When I’m out, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I stop under a lamppost and look down at my shirt. Immediately I start aggressively rubbing at it with the tissues. It doesn’t do anything. I bring the shirt up to my nose. It reeks of alcohol. And suddenly I’m eight years old, sitting at the kitchen table, doing my homework. My dad stumbles through the door with the same smell on his breath. His voice would get louder and louder while my mum’s voice would go quieter and quieter. And I’d hold my breath and hope he’d just go to bed. I look up, and my eyes instantly lock onto Lucas. He’s leaning against a wall. Two guys and a girl are with him, and they’re laughing. But Lucas is just standing there looking bored. Or annoyed. Then he sees me.

18 He pushes himself off the wall, dabs up his friends quickly, and walks over. “Are we leaving?” he asks me. “I don’t think so,” I mutter. He groans and mutters something under his breath. Something like how he should have stayed home. “Are they your friends?” I nod towards them. I’m trying to distract myself from what has happened at the bar. “No. They just go to my school.” “Oh. Okay.” He doesn’t say anything else. Just stands there. But then his eyes drop to my shirt. “What is that?” I look down at the stain and shrug. “A man spilt his drink on me.” “On purpose?” “No. Accidental. I bumped into him.” “Oh.” He looks at the ground, then at the entrance, then back at me. “That’s why I don’t go inside. Nothing good happens in there.” “It was my first time going.” “And your first time was with them?” I nod. He lets out a breath through his nose. “That’s rough.” We stand there for a moment. I look at my shoes. He kicks a stone. I open my mouth and then close it. He rubs his hair. Neither of us says anything. Then I start walking. I don’t know where, but I just need to move. Lucas follows. We pass his friends, and they watch us, but he doesn’t say anything to them. Not even a wave.

19 “How was your first time going into a bar?” I finally manage to ask. Maybe he has a funny story that could break the ice and be a good conversation starter— Maybe he has a reason to why he hates them. “I never went.” “Actually?” “I know I’d hate it, so I just don’t go.” “How do you know that, though?” “I just know.” I wait for him to elaborate some more, but he doesn’t. “So, you’re just never gonna go?” I press. He shrugs. “Probably not.” “Ever?” “Ever.” I glance at him. Most guys our age seem to spend half their lives talking about parties and drinking, but Lucas sounds so sure. I even know guys from my class who already love drinking and getting drunk. And they're my age!! 13! He nods towards the parking lot. “You wanna just go back to the car?” I shrug. “Okay.” The music fades the further we get, and I can finally hear myself speak. “So, what would you do if all your friends want to go to the bar?” I ask. “Would you just not go?” Lucas turns to me slowly and stares into my eyes. His eyes are dark, with long lashes around them. But then his eyes just narrow. “You don’t have to try so hard. It’s fine.”

20 I press my lips together, trying not to look as embarrassed as I feel. “What do you mean?” I ask, but I already know what he means. “You don’t have to fill every quiet second with just stupid words. Like, you asked me the same thing about the bar three different ways,” he says. “You asked if I’d go to a bar, if I ever went to a bar, and what I’d do if my friends went to a bar. Like, that’s all the same question, and it’s just dumb.” My mouth drops, and in that moment, I saw myself in third person, and I couldn’t stop cringing. I’m about to open my mouth to apologise, but then I just close it. I didn’t realise how much I was talking. I just hate awkward silences. When it gets quiet, I start filling it with anything. Especially if I don’t know the person, because the quiet makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. He looks away but then looks back at me when he notices I don’t say anything. “It’s fine. I wasn’t complaining about it. I was just saying that i don’t hate silences.” Is he serious? He literally called it dumb and stupid. I want to say something, but I don’t. “Yeah,” I mumble. We reach the car in silence. He unlocks it, and we both get into the backseat. It’s dark and quiet. I sink further into the seat, knees pressed against the back of the front seat. “You think it’s gonna rain?” He sticks his hand out of the window. I blink as I fiddle with my fingers. “I don’t know. Maybe.” I don’t even look up at the sky.

21 He nods and pulls his hand back in. There’s a bit of silence before his voice comes through. It’s quieter. “I don’t usually talk to new people.” I’m surprised I even heard that. I look at him, but he turns his head towards the window. “So sorry if I seem rude or—” His eyes stay outside. “I don’t know.” I don’t answer right away. He finally glances at me, just for a second, then looks back out. A small chuckle escapes my lips. Only because I don’t know what else to say. And I laugh in moments like these for no reason. He looks at me. “Sorry,” I laugh softly. “You looked at me like you were checking to see if I was still listening, and then you looked away when you saw me looking back.” A small smile grows on his lips. It’s very small, but it's there. “So, you were watching me?” “You were talking.” “I finished talking, and you were still staring.” I look at him with my mouth slightly open. “I wasn’t staring,” I say. “I was just… looking in your direction.” “That’s like the same thing.” “No, it’s not.” He raises both his brows. “What’s the difference?” I don’t have an answer. I try to come up with something. He waits. “I was thinking,” I finally say. “About?” A pause. The car feels smaller than it did a second ago. “None of your beeswax.” I regret saying that instantly. His smile grows. “Beeswax?”

22 “Sorry. It’s just another word for business but ‘none of your business’ sounds more rude than ‘beeswax’ does.” “No. I like it,” he says. “i’m gonna start saying it to my mum and she can’t get mad at me because it’s a nicer term.” “I always say it to my mum!” “I was being sarcastic,” he says. “Oh.” He was a lot chattier than I expected. Within minutes, I learned that he had lived in Hillcrest his entire life, which confused me because I’ve been coming every summer and had never seen him. When I asked about it, he just said it was probably because he never really left his house, or he stayed at his uncle’s in the city. He also loves callisthenics and was weirdly good at fixing things. He was starting year eight in the fall and was amazing at science. Especially physics and biology. But he hated his school. “I hate everyone at my school,” I mutter. “Why?” “They were just rude this year. I don’t know,” I reply. I didn’t want to go into details because it’s just embarrassing. “Like me and chantelle, she was my bestfriend by the way, used to be really close but stopped because one of the girls told me about her crush, and the whole school found out, but I actually have no clue how because I never told anyone. But she thought I did. But I didn’t. So she started to hate me for it. And we just stopped being friends after that.” “That’s it?” he asks, pulling out a chocolate bar from the side of the chair. He offers it to me. “How old is that?” I ask. It’s all crumbled up and looks like it’s been trapped in here for centuries.

23 He snickers. “I don’t know.” and turns to the expiration date. “Gets expired in a year.” “I’m good. Thanks.” I get back to my story. “but yeah, that was it.” “That’s so stupid.” “Exactly! And everyone followed her around because they treat her as if she’s the leader of the school,” I scoff. “She’s not at all.” “I hate girls like that,” he says. “There’s a girl in my class who’s like that. She used to think she could tell everyone where to sit too.” My brows furrow at that because it sounds insane. “Once she tried to make me move because she wanted that seat—” “You better not have given her that seat,” I warn with raised brows. “Of course not. I told her to sit somewhere else.” Good. “And you go to the same school as Jazzy?” “Yeah.” “Lucky. I wish i had a sister at my school. I feel like it would have given me lots of comfort, knowing I’m not alone at my school.” “Trust me. It’s not like that.” “How is it like?” “She embarrasses me. And I hate seeing her in my halls. Also teachers know her so they literally tell me not to be as unorganised as my sister.” He’s about to open his mouth to continue his story when the familiar voices of our friends get louder outside. I look back and see them walking towards the car. They’re loud. And clearly drunk. Part of me. Actually most of me, is upset that they’re back already. I was enjoying talking with Lucas. I look back at Lucas, and he’s staring at them with furrowed brows.

24 “Hellooo guys!” Adam grins and jumps into the passenger seat. Lauren complains about how it was her turn to have the passenger seat. He doesn’t care. The door is locked, and she yanks at the handle. He sticks his tongue out at her. She ends up squishing next to me, and slaps the back of his seat. Adam jerks around and reaches his hand at her, but Lauren screams and swats his hand away. “Who’s driving?” I ask. Lauren nudges her head towards Jazzy, who’s smelling a small flower from the sidewalk. “Isn’t she drunk?” “No. She’s fine.” Jazzy sits in the driver's seat, and Lucas immediately leans forward and whispers something into her ear. He seems annoyed, and from the look on his face, he’s definitely not joking. She only shoos him away. We’re all crammed in. Lucas’s leg presses against mine. There’s no room to lean back, so I’m just stuck leaning forward, gripping Lauren’s bag that she tossed onto my lap. “Can we just take the bus?” I say quickly before she could start the engine. “You think buses reach Hillcrest?” Adam chuckles. “Can we at least wait until Jazzy is not drunk anymore?” I continue. “I’m not drunk.” “No, but—” “Just drive,” Lauren interrupts me. “She’s fine.” The engine starts. I don’t say anything else. The further we go, the darker it gets. I’m tense the whole ride, mumbling prayers under my breath, ignoring the laughter and chatter around me. “Why are there no streetlights here?” I ask.

25 “It’s the mountains,” George yawns. “Nobody pays for lights.” “It’s creepy. You can’t see anything,” I continue. “Relax,” Jazzy says, laughing. “I got this.” And suddenly, the car starts swerving. Left. Right. Left. My grip tightens on the bag. Someone rolls down the windows, and the wind slaps my face. Adam raises the volume of the music to its max. And I can’t hear anything except for the wind and music. “Jazzy! Stop!” I shout. Nobody hears. The car just keeps swerving, and Jazzy is just laughing. My heart is pounding so hard, and the idea of an animal, person or even a car coming in front of us and us hitting it sends chills up my spine. “Jazzy!” “Jazzy!” Lucas shouts. He leans forward and slaps the top of her head. Hard. “Cut it out! It’s not funny!” The car straightens. “Don’t hit my head!” Jazzy snaps, pushing him back. “Then stop!” He sits back, and I notice his jaw is still tight.

26 Chapter Four For the first time this month, I wake up to Christopher lying beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist. I smile and dig my head into his chest. Then I remember. Shouldn’t he be working? I reach for my phone on the nightstand and check the time. 9:00 AM. Shit. I’m late too. I lift his arm off me and pull the blankets away. “Chris,” I say, nudging his shoulder. “We overslept. Wake up.” He groans but doesn’t open his eyes. Instead, he pulls me straight back into his arms. “Chris!” I laugh. I wish nothing more than to stay like this. “We have work.” “I’m going in at three this afternoon.” I pause. “Actually?” He nods. “Well, I wish I start at three. I was supposed to be there an hour ago.” I grab my phone. “What even happened to my alarm?” Christopher shrugs. “You could call them and say you’re sick.” “Yeah, because they’ll allow it. I think I’ll just call and apologise for being late.” He nods. “Yeah. Do that.” I sit up and ring my manager’s number, already preparing myself for an awkward conversation. But it wasn’t like that. Actually, it was an unexpected call. She told me there was no need for me to come in. That it

27 wasn’t going to be busy today anyways. She even sounded surprised that I called. I glance over at Christopher, who’s watching me from the bed. When I hang up, I fall back onto him. **** Four hours later, I’m getting my nails done at a salon with Lauren and her daughter. She’s complaining about how clingy her daughter has become lately, to the point where she threw a full tantrum because she wanted to get her nails done like Mummy. Of course, it’s not the exact same. Lauren is doing acrylics, while Aria is getting her nails painted neon pink with glitter. “Have you ever thought about going back to Hillcrest?” Lauren suddenly asks. I look at her because, honestly, no. Not in a long time. 18-year-old me was so convinced that once I finished high school and had my own money, I’d travel whenever I wanted. Every long weekend and every holiday, I’d be in Hillcrest. It was my favourite place in the world. Every year, I’d spend months counting down until summer, and then suddenly I’d be back by the lake, surrounded by the people I love. I thought I’d keep coming back forever. I thought I’d bring my future kids there one day and show them all my favourite places. But then, something happened, and life got busy. So I stopped going. At first, it was just one summer. Then another. And before I knew it, years had passed. “Not really,” I say. “Why?” She shrugs. “I’m going back.”

28 “For what?” I ask, watching as the nail technician files my nails into an almond shape. Lauren went back only once after I stopped coming. After that, she stopped going too. “To visit. It’s been years.” “What about Adam?” I ask. She looks at me. “What about him?” “You want to see him, don’t you?” She sighs, glancing over at Aria before looking back at me. Aria is too busy watching her nails getting painted. Bubbles, her favourite stuffed rabbit, is sitting on her lap. “Don’t you think it’s time he knows?” she lowers her voice. “I mean, she’s turning seven in two months.” I glance over at Aria again. Seven. It feels strange knowing it’s been seven years. I still remember when Lauren first told me she was pregnant. She was a sobbing wreck. She tried getting an abortion a few days after she found out, but it failed. And when she found out it failed, it was too late. She then decided she was going to give it up for Adoption and she was so sure about it. But the moment she looked into her blue eyes, she couldn’t. And Thank God she couldn’t, because I can’t imagine not having this blondie seven-year-old sitting beside us. It feels like it happened forever ago and yesterday at the same time. “Does Johnny know?” I ask. She nods. “He wants me to do it.” “Do you want to?” “I have to. It’s just…how the hell do I even start that conversation?”

29 She’s a lot calmer than I would have been, and I admire her for that. After all these years, telling Adam that he has a daughter isn’t exactly something you can bring up over coffee. “I actually wonder what would have happened if you had told him that you were pregnant before Aria was born.” “I used to think about that all the time.” “Do you think you guys would’ve gotten married?” I ask. She looks down, and I see that soft, regretful smile on her lips. For a second, she doesn’t say anything. “I think so,” she finally says. “I mean, we were already talking about our future back then. And I think if I’d told him, he would’ve wanted to try—” “Life would’ve been so different.” I also pictured myself with Lucas. I was so certain I knew exactly what my future was going to look like. She nods. “So different. I would’ve been living in Hillcrest right now. Like, I love that place, but just to visit. He wanted to live there, and I just couldn’t see myself living there forever.” I listen. “But that was so selfish,” she continues. “I actually think that’s why I didn’t tell him. I didn’t want to put my life on hold because of a baby. I wanted to still be young. I wanted to continue university and figure out who I was.” She pauses, looking through the nail polish colours before picking up a baby pink and holding it against her nails. Then she continues, “And part of me was scared he’d get involved. I know that’s so bad. Usually people are scared if the guy will leave, but i was scared of the opposite, because I knew he would have stayed and I didn’t

30 want to figure out how to make two completely different lives work, because I was for sure not going to live in that small village.” “Yeah, but—” I get cut off. “I know it wasn’t fair to him. I was 21, and at the time, I honestly thought keeping it to myself was the easiest way to keep my life from falling apart. You know it all.” “He deserved to know about her.” “I know,” she whispers. “And Aria deserves to know him too.” I look over at Aria. Lauren smiles softly. “I mean, look at her. She looks just like him.” She has the same blonde hair Adam had. And even the same blue eyes. Lauren was a brunette with hazel eyes. “I tried not to think about it.” “About what?” “How much she looks like him.” “Yeah.” We go quiet, but I can tell Lauren still has more to say. She opens her mouth, then closes it again. And then she looks at me. “What?” I ask. She shakes her head. “Nothing.” A few seconds pass. Then she looks at me again. “Can I ask you for a favour, Christine?” “Depends—” “Can you come with me?” she asks. “To Hillcrest.” I blink at her. Hillcrest. Everything in me wants to say no. Not because I don’t want to go with Lauren. If it were anywhere else, I probably wouldn’t think twice. But Hillcrest is different.

31 The last time I was there, I was at the lowest point of my life. I haven’t been back since. I’ve spent years trying not to think about that summer, and if I go back, I’ll remember it all, and that scares me. And Lauren knows how hard I’ve tried to stay away from it. I think that’s why she’s looking at me like that. Like she's already expecting me to say no but is quietly hoping I won’t. “I can’t.” Chapter five Age 13 Over the next few days, we’ve been hanging out together. We’ve spent most of our time at the lake and basketball court.

32 And today is July 17, which means it’s water gun day. It happens every year in Hillcrest. Anyone who wants to participate gets a water gun, gets paired up with someone, and spends the entire day running around the village trying to soak the other teams. The rules are simple: you can hide, run, sneak up on people, or basically do whatever you want. The last person to get sprayed wins a prize. Last year the prize was a two-year free membership to the gym. I didn’t win it, but I didn’t care about the prize anyway. My mum wanted me to win it for her, though. Whoops. “Who should pair with who?” Jazzy asks as we all sit in a small circle on the grass. There are people everywhere. Kids, teenagers, adults and even elderly people. I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire village decided to participate. “I’ll be with Adam,” George says, scribbling down their names onto a small piece of paper. “I’m with Lauren.” Jazzy points her lollipop at Lauren. I ended up on a team with Lucas. We thought of our team names. Adam and George spent five minutes arguing over a team name before deciding on Ace Holes because Adam refused to choose anything else. He wanted Ass Holes, but this village is a Christian community, so he decided to stay modest. Lucas and I couldn’t think of anything, so we went for the most basic name ever. C&L. Our initials. Once the list was finished, George handed it to the two people running the game. They gave each team a water gun and extra refill bottles. George stuffed them into his backpack, and we started walking before the game officially began in ten minutes.

33 “Can we all promise not to spray each other unless we’re literally the last teams left?” Lauren asks with an innocent smile. “I’ll think about it,” Adam winks and ruffles her hair. “Adam!” She smacks his arm away and immediately fixes her waves. “But, seriously. Let’s not spray each other.” I jump over a log. “You know what they should’ve done instead?” I say. “Imagine if all six of us were on the same team. Like giant teams instead of pairs.” Adam snickers, throwing an arm around Lucas’s shoulders. “Just say you don’t want to be stuck with my boy Lucas.” Lucas shoves him off. I panic. “That’s not what I meant.” “Sounds exactly like what you meant—” Jazzy saves me. “Honestly, that would’ve been fun—” “Nah,” Adam says. “You’d all slow me down, and we’d lose first second—” “But the reason they don’t do that is that they can’t afford prizes for six people,” Jazzy continues. “Oh. Yeah.” “What’s the prize?” Lucas asks, and we all just shrug. “I heard it’s an iPad,” a lady who overheard us says. All our eyes widen. “We’re winning this,” Adam says. **** “So, that’s the entire Hillcrest?” I ask, looking down at the map they gave us. Lucas and I are hiding inside an abandoned house we found near the edge of the village. We got in through a broken window, and so

34 far, it’s been completely quiet. Already 30 minutes into the game, and we have avoided getting sprayed. But there was a lot of running involved. “Yeah,” he says, looking at his own map. He’s sitting on a step, his water gun resting beside him. His hair is fluffy and a little damp with sweat. His cheeks are flushed from running around. “You know,” Lucas starts, looking around. “This was my mum’s grandma’s house.” The grass around the house has overgrown, with thorns around it. Inside the house, rocks and debris cover the floor. The paint has peeled off from the walls, and there aren’t even any doors anymore, just empty doorways leading to each room. Some of the graffiti covers the walls. “Actually?” I sound surprised. “Yeah. Long time ago.” I step over a broken tile and look around. “How did this house get so bad?” “From the war decades ago. My grandma was eleven, and the day she and her family decided to go to the city for a day, a bomb hit this house.” My eyebrows shoot up. “That’s actually crazy.” Imagine if they had stayed and the bomb had killed them? Lucas and Jazzy wouldn’t have been born. “I know. They were actually so lucky. Like that one day, they randomly decided to leave, and it literally saved their lives.” It’s hard to imagine a family living here once. Like, right now, it looks completely dead, but at one point, people actually lived here. They ate here, slept here, and argued here. His grandma was eleven “And they came back to find their house gone,” I say. “Where did they go?”

35 He thinks about it for a moment. “I actually don’t know. Probably relatives. Maybe even at my house because that house used to be for my grandma’s uncle. So they probably stayed there since it’s like the closest to here.” He picks up a stick from the ground and stands in front of a wall. He starts writing his name on the wall. I take the same stick from his hand when he’s done. And right underneath his name, I write mine. And I add a smiley face next to my name. “You just ruined it,” he scoffs. “No. I made it better.” He rolls his eyes, but a second later, he subtly adds one next to his too. I try not to smile. “You always copy me.” “I never copy losers.” My mouth drops, and his smile grows. “Then maybe you should stop being yourself.” “I like myself, thank you.” I scrunch my face. “Ew.” I like how he is too. He laughs, sits back down on the step, and grabs his water bottle from the floor. He does this waterfall, pouring the water into his mouth without letting the bottle touch his lips. I’ve asked him why he does that before. He said he didn’t like the taste of plastic or cups and that water tasted better when he drank it like this. I still don’t understand how you can taste a cup when you’re drinking the water, but apparently Lucas can. He holds the bottle out to me. “You want some?”

36 “Yeah.” He passes it to me, and I sit beside him on the step. “I wanna try the waterfall. I wanna see why you like it so much.” “Okay. Let’s see you do it, then.” I lift the bottle towards my mouth but pause. “Don’t look at me.” His eyebrows pull together. “Why?” “I don’t know. Just don’t.” The image of my side profile, the weird face I’d be making, came to mind, and I didn’t want him seeing that. “I need to see if you’re doing it right.” “I’ll know if I’m doing it right, just—” I reach over to push his face away, but he swats my hand. “Okay, Okay. I won’t look.” He closes his eyes. I lift the bottle again, and just as I’m about to try, he peeks one eye open. “Lucas!” He quickly shuts it. “Fine! I actually won’t look.” “Don’t!” I tilt the bottle, and the water goes everywhere and a little in my mouth. Water drips down my chin. Lucas starts laughing. “Do you want help?” I hesitate, but he doesn’t wait for my response as he takes the bottle from me and shifts closer. I open my mouth a little, and he tips the bottle. For about two seconds, it actually works. Then he accidentally pours way too much. I immediately pull back, swallowing as quickly as I can while some of the water spills out of my mouth. He laughs and mumbles apologies. I start coughing. “Water went up my nose.” I wipe my mouth with my arm. “Your boogers are hydrated now.”

37 I slap his arm. “Ewww. Shut up.” Then he goes serious and stands up. “Wait. Be quiet.” “What?” I ask. He glances towards the doorway. “What?” I ask again. “Shush. Wait,” he whispers. I stand up and glance around. He grabs both our water guns from the floor and tosses mine towards me. “Come.” I follow him into the next room. “I hear people,” he whispers. I stare at him. “I don’t hear anything—” Then I hear it. Voices. Faint at first, somewhere outside the house, and then we hear footsteps just two rooms away. I panic and rush towards part of a wall that’s still standing where an island table used to be. It’s low enough to hide behind if we crouch down. I drop behind it, and Lucas immediately crouches beside me. “If they find us, I’m running,” I whisper. “Great plan.” “I know.” We both go quiet. I grip my water gun and peek over the edge of the wall, but I can’t see anyone. Then, suddenly, my soul practically jolts out of my body when we hear a huge crash from the other room. Someone screams. A female. I slap my palm over my mouth, biting down hard on the inside of my cheek. Did she just fall? Don’t laugh. Do not laugh. I look away.

38 And then laughter breaks the silence. Not my own. The girl who fell friend starts laughing, and her laugh is so loud that both me and Lucas jump. It’s almost like a donkey. I immediately look at Lucas. Big mistake. The face he’s making nearly destroys me. His eyes are wide, his mouth slightly open, and he looks scared. A tiny laugh escapes me through my hand. Lucas turns towards me. “Don’t.” I shake my head, pressing my palm harder against my mouth. He looks away, but I see his shoulders start shaking a little. “You’re laughing too,” I whisper. “I’m not.” “You are.” Another burst of the girl’s laugh comes from the other room. Lucas looks at me. I look at him. We both immediately cover our mouths, and I feel the tears filling my eyes, and the harder I try to hold my laughter in, the worse it gets. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying desperately to stop. The footsteps start getting louder, and so does my laughing. “Shut up,” Lucas whispers. He’s not laughing anymore. “I can’t.” The footsteps get even closer. Lucas quickly puts his hand over my mouth. “Seriously. Shut up.” I freeze for a moment because I wasn’t expecting him to do that. His hand is warm against my lips, and I just stare at him. He looks just as nervous, like he didn’t even think before doing it. It was almost as if his hand moved on its own, and now that he’s realized what he’s done, he doesn’t quite know what to do either.

39 I reach for Lucas’s hand and gently pull it away from my mouth. “Should we just try and shoot them? They don’t know we’re here, but we do. So, we can sneak up on them and catch them by surprise,” I say. “Should we?” I nod. “Yeah. Why not?” “Okay.” We both slowly peek over the edge of the wall, making sure it’s safe to stand. We can still hear their voices from the next room, and it sounds like they’re sitting down, having a conversation about a girl named Bree. I hold my water gun tightly, trying not to make any noise as we creep across the floor. I go first, and Lucas follows. We reach the doorway and stop. I peek around the corner. They’re sitting on the floor with their backs towards us. Lucas and I both slowly raise the water guns. I look at him. He nods. And we both step out from behind the doorway and fire. Water sprays across their backs. They both scream and jump at the same time. “You guys are out!” I shout. We turn and sprint down the hallway. We actually got them. They had absolutely no idea we were there, and the look on their faces when we started spraying them was so funny that I can barely breathe. “We got them!” I shout. “I know!” Lucas laughs, running beside me. “That was actually so good! You were so quick with it too!” “I’m so glad we did that! That was actually so fun!” We reach outside and just keep running down the field. And then, my foot catches on something in the grass. And I slip.

40 “Are you okay?” Lucas jogs towards me. He seems concerned, but I just start laughing again, even though my knees burn. And then we hear rustling from the bushes beside us. Lucas immediately raises his water gun and starts spraying at the bush. Two elderly people step out, soaked. “Okay! Okay! We surrender!” An elderly man chuckles, pulling off his dripping glasses. He wipes them with the bottom of his shirt. Lucas lowers his water gun and jogs over to them. “Sorry!” The old man slaps his back. “Don’t be sorry, kid. That’s the whole point of the game.” **** It’s 6:55 p.m., and I’m surprised we’ve made it this far. A lot have been eliminated, and somehow Lucas and I are still in the game. We’re just too good. We decided to take a quick ice cream break. We’re sitting side by side on a bench, holding a cup of ice cream. “Vanilla is such a basic flavour,” Lucas says. “It’s the only flavour I like.” “No, it's the only flavour you’ve tried.” He’s right. “I’ve tried chocolate.” “So basic too—” “Are you the ice cream police or something?” “Yes. You’re under arrest.” My hand flies to my chest in mock offense. “You can’t arrest me without evidence.” His brows rise in amusement, and then he pulls his phone from his pocket. It’s a small phone. And before I can move, he snaps a picture of me holding my vanilla ice cream. Then, he starts recording me.

41 “She’s eating the most basic ice cream, guys!” I quickly turn my cup away from the camera, trying to hide it. “Yeah, and he’s being a hater!” I yell. He laughs and stops the video. “Here.” He scoops some of his ice cream onto his spoon and holds it out towards me. I look at it. It’s yellow. “What is that?” “Mango. It’s actually the best.” I look at the spoon, then at him. “You don’t mind if my spit gets on your spoon?” “Do you have cold sores?” I shake my head. “Do you get disgusted by saliva?” “No.” “Then, here.” I look at him. “You don’t have cold sores?” He starts laughing. “No, I do not.” I take his spoon and try it. “It’s good, right?” My eyes widen. “That’s actually really good.” It tastes exactly like mango, and mango is my favourite fruit. I hold my cup out to him. “Wanna swap?” “Five minutes ago, you only loved vanilla—” I scream as freezing cold water suddenly hits my back. And they don’t stop. They keep spraying me and Lucas from behind us, water hitting my back, my arms, and even the side of my face. I have no idea who these evil villains are. I try to turn around to see who it is, but the water hits me straight in the face. “Stop!” I yell, wiping the water from my eyes.

42 All we hear is laughter from behind us. “Nothing personal!” I know that voice. “Adam!” Lucas shouts. And he immediately grabs his water gun from the ground and charges towards Adam. Adam starts screaming and takes off running, but he doesn’t stop spraying Lucas. He keeps shooting water over his shoulder as he runs, trying to keep Lucas away from him. “Christine!” Adam screams. “Stop this rat from chasing me!” I burst out laughing and run after them, nearly slipping on the wet grass. “No! You deserve it!” Adam keeps running, screaming as Lucas chases him, spraying at him. I follow right behind, raising mine and spraying Adam whenever I get close enough. “Hey!” Adam yells, looking at me over his shoulder. “This is cheating! You guys are out! You can’t spray anyone!” We spray at him again. The water hits him from both sides. I’m completely drenched now. My hair is soaked. My clothes are sticking to me. And my baby hairs are stuck to my forehead. George walks out of the ice cream shop with an ice cream in hand. He looks at the three of us running around. “I tried to stop him, guys!” “George! Stop these two rats!” Adam screams and runs towards George. “Don’t you dare come anywhere near me!” George yells back. ****

43 Jazzy and Lauren got out before Lucas and me, and the worst part is, they were taken out by a couple of five-year-olds. We haven’t stopped mentioning it. “We could’ve won if it wasn’t for this idiot,” Lucas says, throwing a beach ball at Adam. Adam catches it with one hand and throws it back at him. We’re all sitting on the dock by the lake. A plate of watermelon sits between us. I take a bite of mine, the juice dripping down my hand. “Yeah, Adam!” Lauren shouts. “We said we weren’t going to spray each other!” “You know, we saw you guys,” Jazzy adds, pointing at Adam and George. “We could’ve gotten you both out, but we kept our promise.” “Was this before or after you got taken out by five-year-olds?” “Shut up!” “That sounds like a yes,” George teases. “They weren’t five!” Lauren yells. “Four, then?” “Adam!” Chapter six Age 13 I’m sitting on the dock, legs dangling in the water, watching my friends messing around in the lake. Lucas bumps his knee against mine. “What’s wrong?”

44 I can feel his eyes on the side of my face, but I keep looking at the water. I sigh. “I don’t want to leave.” I don’t want to go back home. I don’t want to go to my new school or that life. I just want to stay here forever. “I don’t want you to leave either.” I turn to look at him. “You promise to text now and then?” “Why?” I shrug. “Because I’m going to miss everyone.” He’s quiet for a second. “Okay.” “Okay?” “I’ll text you.” “You better.” “You’re not coming for Christmas?” he asks. “I don’t know.” I pick at a loose thread on my shorts. “Probably not.” “Why?” “I dunno. I just don’t think we will.” He nods, looking back at the water. “You should.” The moment I hear my mum call my name is the moment the tears start falling. She’s calling for me because the taxi is here and it’s time to leave. I look at the lake one last time, my view blurry through the tears. I can’t believe I won’t be here tomorrow. I won’t wake up and see them. I won’t spend the whole day with them. Everyone watches as I get into the taxi. They’re all yelling their goodbyes, and I quickly wipe my eyes with my arm before waving back.

45 I look at Lauren. Her hair is damp from the lake. She’s so lucky. She still has two weeks here before she has to leave. Fourteen more days of seeing everyone. I’d do anything to take her place right now. My eyes skim everyone. They’re smiling, calling out that they’re going to miss me, but they still have each other after I’m gone. I won’t have anyone. Then my eyes go to Lucas. He’s smiling too. “I’ll let you know if Lucas cries!” Jazzy yells as the taxi starts moving. Lucas elbows Jazzy’s arm. Earlier, when I was hugging Jazzy goodbye, she told me it was the first time she’d ever seen Lucas spend so much time with a girl without getting annoyed or bored. Because, apparently, he gets sick of people quickly. **** The next few days, I barely left my bed, and I wouldn’t stop crying. I kept rewatching the videos I took from the summer, and I’d stay on my phone, hoping for a notification to suddenly pop up from him. But he barely texted. And I knew I missed him way more than he missed me. **** “We miss you, Christine!” I’m watching a video Lauren sent me. She’s filming everyone around the bonfire, and I spot Lucas in the background, laughing at his phone. What is he laughing about? “Lucas!” Lauren zooms in on Lucas. He looks up. “Say hi!” “To who?” “Christine!”

46 He waves. “Hi, Christine.” I smile at my screen, and I type the words. Did he cry when I left? She replies with I don’t think so. My smile fades. I stare at the message, hoping she’ll send something else. Maybe he cried after. Maybe he was quiet after I left. But nothing comes. And it hurts because I cried so much. “Christine?” My mum walks into my room. She doesn’t even knock. Not that she ever really does, but still— I look up from my bed, and something inside me immediately snaps. “Why don’t you ever just knock before coming in?!” I yell. “I just came to see if you were dressed,” she says, her voice already sharper. “Well, what if I was naked!” “I’m your mother—” “So?” I sit up straighter and lean on my bedframe. “Doesn’t mean I'm comfortable with you seeing me naked!” Her eyes narrow. “Christine!” She snaps. I only scoff and lean back down into my bed, turning my back to her. We both don’t say anything, and I can feel her staring at me. Then she sighs. “Get dressed,” she says. “The shops are closing soon. We need to buy some stuff for school.” **** School starts tomorrow, and I’m trying not to think about it. But every time I glance at the clock, another hous has disappeared. The sky outside my window keeps getting darker, the sun sinking lower and lower until there’s barely any daylight left.

47 It’s getting closer. And I really, really don’t want to go. I’ll be the new kid. The girl who doesn’t know anyone. After my shower, I wrap my wet curls into a bonnet and flop onto my bed. I reach across my bed for my phone, still plugged into the charger beside me. The screen lights up. And a smile grows on my face. Hi. Lucas. You start school tomorrow, yeah? I stare at the message for two minutes. And then, I finally text back. Me Yeah. I wanna text something else, but I just don’t know what. I know you’re nervous, so do you want to call? That message catches me off guard. Call? I’ve never called Lucas before. Suddenly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say or what we’re even going to talk about. I stare at his message, my heart beating a little faster. What if it’ll be awkward? I can’t rn. Let’s text tho

48 Oh. Okay. And we ended up texting for the next two hours. That’s the longest we’ve ever texted, and I couldn’t stop smiling. We’re not even talking about anything important. It’s just random stuff, but I don’t want the conversation to stop. He sends me a picture of his new backpack, and I make fun of him for it. Then we start talking about scenarios that could happen on the first day of school. He says I’ll probably trip over absolutely nothing. Then we talk about stuff that happened over the summer. None of it is important, but I know I never want this to end. By the way, is this yours? Lucas sends me a picture of a bracelet. My bracelet. It’s a bracelet Lauren got for me from Hawaii. There are flower beads all around it. YES! THAT’S MINE Hahahha. Want me to keep it until you’re back? And I give it back to you? YES Every time I think we’re done talking, one of us sends another message. Eventually, I look at the time and realise it’s way later than I thought. We’ve been talking for two hours.

49 Really? Yeah. A few seconds pass before another message appears. I lowk miss you. I reread the message a few times, even though it’s only four words. I even screenshot it. Whenever I see the bracelet, I think of you. I screenshot that too. Chapter Seven “Baby? Are you ready?” Christopher calls from the couch. “I’m almost done.” I’m in our bedroom, clipping on my hoop earrings. I look at myself in the mirror, trying to convince myself that my curly hair looks good.

50 When I first met Christopher, I noticed that he mostly complimented my hair when it was straight. So, during our one year of dating, I started straightening it more often. Tonight, we’re going to a new Italian restaurant that opened in the city a few months ago. My hair was straight this morning, but then a bird pooped on my head, so I had to rush home and wash it. By the time I was done, there wasn’t enough time to straighten it again. I grab my purse and take one last look in the mirror. “I’m ready.” “Finally.” Christopher stands up from the couch, his eyes still glued to his phone as he walks toward the front door. “Baby?” He stops and looks back at me. “How do I look?” “Good.” I wait for more, but he just turns back toward the door. With straight hair, he would’ve walked over to me, told me I looked so perfect, and made a much bigger deal out of it. I touch my curl. “I didn’t have time to straighten it. But does it look good?” He shrugs. “Yeah. It looks fine.” I nod, but the way he says it makes me feel less confident. We step out of the apartment. “Oh, and straighten it tomorrow,” he adds. “We’re seeing my parents.” ****

51 “The food was really good. Thank you.” Christopher and I had just finished sharing a pizza at a new Italian restaurant that had opened in the city a few months ago. “That’s a relief,” he says as we step outside. “I spent way too long reading reviews.” I laugh. “Seriously,” he continues, slinging his arm over my shoulder. I slip my hand into his, intertwining our fingers as we continue walking down the street together. We walk a little farther before Christopher suddenly slows down. I look back at him. “What?” “Nothing.” “You stopped walking.” He lets go of my hand, stares into my eyes before slowly getting down on one knee. My heart is pounding. No way. “Christopher?” He reaches into the pocket of his jacket. My hand flies to my mouth. “No way.” He gives me a nervous smile. And I look up for a moment. We’re standing in a quiet neighbourhood. The only light came from a streetlamp above us. “I had a whole speech planned, but I’ve forgotten most of it.” He opens the box, revealing a ring. “I know this isn’t exactly the most romantic place to do this, but I didn’t want to wait until everything was perfect.” Christopher takes a breath and looks up at me. “I love you. And I don’t want to just keep

52 talking about our future. I want kids now, and I want to marry you. Will you, Christine, marry me?” I look down at the ring, then back at him. “Yes,” I say almost immediately. “Of course I will.” **** “I don’t know,” Lauren says, looking at the ring on my finger. She’s sitting on the kitchen island table in her yoga outfit, drinking a green juice. “I just expected more from him, that’s all.” “But he was so cute.” “He proposed in a dark, scary alleyway.” I shrug. “It doesn’t matter to me. And it wasn’t that dark—” “Your dream was to get married by the beach, wearing a pretty dress during sunset.” “That was my dream when I was a teenager.” She looks at me for a moment before chuckling under her breath in disbelief. “Did you guys at least take any pictures?” “We like to live in the moment,” I say, pulling my phone out of my back pocket. “But, we do have this one.” I turn my phone around and show her the picture. It’s a selfie of Christopher and me, both smiling, with me holding up my hand to show off the new ring. Lauren barely even looks at the picture. “At least he could’ve chosen somewhere with better lighting.” “It’s fine. We’ll take better pictures on the wedding day.” “Yeah. I’m really happy for you.” I thank her and give her a hug before sitting back down. “So, Christine…” she starts, looking at me very suspiciously as she takes another sip of her drink.

53 I already know exactly what she’s going to ask. “No.” I answer before she even gets the chance. “Christine, please!” “Go to Hillcrest with your husband.” “Oh, yeah. That’s such a great idea, Christine. Let me introduce my husband to the baby daddy.” “Johnny knows everything, so why not?” “Because no. I want you there. I need you there.” She continues. “Please, Christine. The past is over. You’re engaged, you’re happy, and you’ve moved on. I promise you, it won’t hurt as much as you think it will.” “I’m not worried about that—” “Then what?” “Nothing about Lucas. Maybe I’m just worried about being surrounded by everything from back then. I actually don’t know.” “I get it. I really do. But how would you know if you never went?” I think about it for a moment. “I need you, Christine. Please. I’m about to drop a bomb on Adam, and I don’t think I can do this alone.” I nod. “I’ll talk to Christopher about it.” **** I’m lying on the bed with my fiancé. Fiance. Still haven’t gotten used to that word. “Hey, fiance?” A soft chuckle escapes him. He rolls onto his side and looks at me, smiling. “Hey, my wife.” My cheeks warm at the nickname. “I think I’m going to Hillcrest with Lauren.”

54 His smile fades slightly. Christopher knows everything about Hillcrest. About Lucas. He knows how we were, how long we spent loving each other, and how he was basically my whole summer. He was my whole teenage years. And Christopher knows he was my first love. “Why?” He studies my face. “Please don’t tell me this is your way of getting closure before the wedding.” My brows shoot up. “Seriously?” I let out a disbelieving laugh and shake my head. “The fact that you think I’d fly all the way there for closure is actually a little insulting,” I say, and I continue before he can interrupt me. “I’m going with Lauren. Not for anything else.” Christopher watches me, and he knows exactly what I’m talking about, but I think part of him still can’t believe this day has actually come. “She’s going to tell Adam about…” he trails off. “Yeah.” “Aria?” “Yeah.” I let out a big sigh. “She doesn’t want to do it alone.” “Yeah, I get it.” He moves around and lies on his back. “That’s a huge thing for her to do.” He looks back at me. “When are you leaving?” “She was talking about like sometime next week.”

55 Chapter Eight Age 14 This year did not suck. I made friends pretty quickly at my new school, and I guess Lauren’s advice actually worked. If you’re not confident, just pretend to be. Walk like you know where you’re going. Don’t avoid eye contact. And always spray perfume on your wrists, your neck, and behind your ears. That way, you’ll always smell good. For the first time since I was about ten, I was actually part of a friend group. A real one. Like those groups where you hang out every weekend, and we didn’t ignore each other at school. It wasn’t just girls either. Boys and girls. I even got a boyfriend. His name was Andreas. We started talking in November and quickly became friends. We had so much in common, especially in cartoons. We’ve both watched Shawn the sheep. Then we started hanging out more with the group. In March, he took me to this bridge by the marina. There were lights reflecting off the water and boats everywhere. That’s where he asked me to be his girlfriend. And I said yes. I was excited for it. But the second I got home, I regretted it. It wasn’t anything to do with him. Andreas was nice. Corny. Easy to talk to. He was genuinely a good and fun guy. And I really liked him. But as a friend. Not as a boyfriend. I just don’t think I was ready to date anyone. I’d only turned 14 a few months ago. The whole relationship felt exciting in theory since it’s my first, but

56 once I was actually in one, I just wasn’t interested. And Andreas noticed, because whenever he’d hold my hand, I’d start swinging our arms, secretly hoping his grip would loosen. Whenever we hugged, he was always the one initiating it. And when he texted, I usually took forever to reply. Looking back, I know he deserved better than that. But I just wasn’t feeling it. He broke up with me a month before school ended. And I wasn’t even upset. I just shrugged my shoulders and said, 'Okay.' After that, the friend group sort of fell apart too. Lucas knew about Andreas. I told him the day I was supposed to go on my first date with Andreas. The first thing Lucas asked was what I was wearing. Actually, no. The first thing he asked for was a picture of how I looked. And I remember smiling when he said that. But after that, Lucas became dry. His replies got shorter, and sometimes he’d even leave me on delivered for days. And eventually, we just stopped texting. And now, it’s been a week since I’ve been back at Hillcrest. And I’m sitting on the bleachers, watching him play basketball. He’s acting weird. He’s been avoiding me and doesn’t seem interested when I talk to him. But I keep telling myself that it’s because we haven’t seen each other in a year. Maybe things are just awkward right now, but give it a few days, and we’ll be like how we were. I hope.

57 “Okay! I need a break!” Adam is panting as he jogs towards his water bottle. He mainly sprays it all over his face and shirt instead of actually drinking from it. “Christine!” Lauren calls out as she bounces the basketball beside her. “You wanna play?” I shake my head. “I don’t feel like.” Lauren nods and turns back to the game. I look away from her and notice Lucas jogging towards the bleachers. He walks over without saying much and stops in front of me. His bag is sitting next to my leg. “You had fun?” I ask. He shrugs. “Yeah.” Then he sits down besides me and unzips his bag. He reaches inside and pulls out something familiar. My flower bracelet. Lucas holds it out. “Thanks.” I take it from him. “Yeah.” He jogs back towards the court. I stare down at the bracelet in my hand. That’s all he had to say? And then I look back at him and see him approach another girl. He says something that makes her laugh. Loud. There’s no way it was that funny. A second later, she smacks his shoulder, and he nudges her back. I look away immediately. Something inside me stings. And I realized that I didn’t even know what Lucas’s life looks like outside of summer. I don’t know if there’s someone he talks to every day. I never really thought about him having a girlfriend before, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe he did. And I don’t even know it.

58 **** We all wander around Hammena, and there’s a festival. There are booths and food stalls. And loud music. Most of the stands sell jewelry, toys, or thrifted clothes. The festival is quite small, so we keep passing the same people every now and then. Like one of them was a guy that Jazzy thinks is really cute. Which means every time we spot him, we immediately tell her it’s her chance to go get his socials. Every single time, she just shushes up and walks faster away from us. Then my eyes catch sight of something. Baby turtles. I immediately dash towards them. They are walking in a huge tub of sand with shallow water running through it. There are so many of them, all slowly crawling around and swimming through the water. They’re so cute. I crouch down and watch them before I pick one of them up. It’s so small. I gently run my finger over its shell. I immediately fall in love with it. And I even give it a name. Tikki. And I choose that she’s a girl. The others come and stand around me. George crouches down and picks up his own turtle. I look up at them. “I want a turtle.” Adam looks at the person running the stand. “How much is for one?” I look up too. “Adam, we don’t even live here—” Lauren says. I immediately shush her up because I’m not about to let my cousin ruin my chances of bringing Tikki home. “30 dollars.” “Yeah. Not worth it,” Lauren mumbles. “Let’s go. I want to eat.”

59 “It is worth it,” I mumble to her, still holding Tikki. I stare at her big black eyes, and she’s looks right back at me, as if begging me to take her home. Lauren looks at me. “And where is she going to stay once you leave Hillcrest? You can’t bring turtles on planes,” she adds. “She’ll probably have a heart attack and die.” “Don’t say that.” “Let’s just buy all of them and put them back in the ocean.” Lucas kneels down with me and rubs Tikki’s shell. His arm brushes against mine, and I suddenly realise this is the closest we’ve been all summer. “Oh. Sorry,” Lucas whispers as he shifts a little away from me to put some space between us. My brows knit together. “Why?” He keeps his eyes on Tikki. “You know…boyfriend and all.” And then it hits me. “Is that why you were ignoring me the whole two weeks I’ve been here?” “I wasn’t ignoring you?” Lauren tugs my shirt. “Come on. Put the turtle down, and let's go. I want to get food before the fireworks start.” I sigh. “Bye Tikki.” “Oh, come on,” Adam says. “Christine even named her. We can’t not buy it for her.” We don’t end up buying her, and I’m following after Lucas. “Yes, you did ignore me.” Lucas glances at me. “I didn’t.” “You did.” “I didn’t.”

60 “You’re actually dumb,” I scoff. Because now I’m pissed. For the past two weeks, I kept wondering about why Lucas barely spoke to me. And now I find out he was doing it because he thought I still had a boyfriend. I was hurt this whole time, and he could’ve just asked me. “Good to know,” he shrugs. “I don’t have a boyfriend, by the way.” He stays looking ahead as we keep following the others as they walk towards the hotdog stand. “Why are you telling me this?” I look at him, slightly taken aback. “Because you clearly thought I did?” “I mean, you did? For months.” “Yeah,” I say. My feeling of annoyance is just growing. “But we broke up.” He gives a small nod, like that information doesn’t really matter to him. Like he couldn’t care less. “When?” he asks after a moment. “Like the beginning of May.” Another nod. “I bet you had a girlfriend.” I say it in a teasing tone, but a part of me actually wants to know. “Maybe I did.” Ouch. After that, we mostly walk in silence. I end up walking besides Jazzy, while Lucas walks at the back with George. We order hotdogs and make our way towards a large field on the edge of the festival. It’s quieter here, and it’s where everyone gathers to watch the fireworks. There are already lots of people, some sitting on blankets and others lying down with their heads tilted towards the sky.

61 We find a spot and sit down. Lucas sits down next to me. “Look what I got,” Adam grins and unzips his black bag. He pulls out a couple cans of beer. “What about the cigs?” George asks. Adam pulls out two packs of cigarettes and tosses them onto the grass. They crack open the beers and start passing them around. Everyone takes one except for Lucas. And when the can reaches me, I glance at it. I feel Lucas staring at me, as if seeing if I’ll accept it or not. I shake my head, and he looks away. Then he nudges my arm, and I turn to look at him. But he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking at the sky. “It’s a full moon.” I follow his gaze and look up. The moon is bright, and it’s pretty. “Yeah?” “And when there’s a full moon, you can make a wish and it comes true.” I scoff. “I don’t believe that.” “I didn’t either,” he says. “But I tried it once, and it came true.” I turn my head towards him. “Yeah? What did you wish for?” “I wished for a phone for my birthday—” I burst out laughing. He waves his phone. “And I got it.” “Okay, then I’m gonna make a wish now, and it better come true,” I say, “Do I close my eyes or?” He laughs. “It doesn’t matter.” “But it’s more likely to happen if I close my eyes, right?” He shrugs. “I don’t know.” “Did you close your eyes?”

62 “No.” “Okay, so i wont.” I try to think of a wish but nothing comes to mind. I already have a phone, and I’m happy with my school, and there’s nothing I desperately want right now. So I make a random wish. I wished for dogs and cats to never get abused again. I look up at the moon. “Done. It better come true—” The first firework shoots into the sky. Adam screams. It startles all of us and everyone’s attention immediately turns upwards. The fireworks light up the sky one after another, and Jazzy and Lauren start laughing so hard that they practically scream every time one goes off. I start laughing with them. I glance around at everyone, feeling strangely happy. Then Lucas nudges my arm with his elbow. “I’m sorry for being rude and ignoring you.” “So you admit you were ignoring me!” He rolls his eyes, trying not to smile, but fails. “kinda.” I shove his shoulders. “Idiot.” “Well, I just know that if I were dating a girl, I wouldn’t want another guy even talking to her. Had to be respectful, you know?” “By avoiding me?! It’s normal for couples to have friends of different genders. Like hello? Are we supposed to stop speaking to half the population the second we get a boyfriend?” “I mean…” I humorfully scoff.

63 “I’m just saying, if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t exactly be happy about some guy hanging around her all the time.” “I hang out with, like, George. He didn’t ignore and avoid me?” “That’s different.” “How?” He opens his mouth, then closes it again. “Exactly. You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” “Whatever,” he mutters, looking away. “I’m just saying there’s a difference.” “Difference how?” “Christine, come on.” A smile starts creeping onto my face. “Wait. So you’re saying George is really just my friend and you’re not?” “Don’t start.” I try not to show how happy that comment made me, so instead, I reach over and mess up his hair, and then I push him back by his shoulders. I turn back towards the fireworks and I can’t stop smiling. For the first time since being back, everything feels more normal. Lucas isn’t ignoring me anymore. “Guys, why am I the only one smoking?” Adam asks with a lit cigarette in his lips. “Take some.” Everyone reaches for one except for Lucas. I even decide to take one. I don’t know why, but I wanna try it. “Ooooh,” Adam chuckles. “Look at this big girl now.” “I just wanna see why everyone loves this,” I say. Lucas’s eyes move from the cigarette in my hand to my face. “Why?” he asks.

64 “Leave her be, Lucas,” Adam says, placing my cigarette in his lips and lighting it for me. “She doesn’t even want it.” “I didn’t force her to take it,” Adam shrugs. “I wanna try it,” I mutter. He looks at me. “Just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean you have to.” “Okay, Dad.” He shrugs. “But try it if you want.” I don’t end up trying it because I don’t know why his opinion mattered to me. And after him ignoring me, I don’t want him to hate me. So I end up handing it back to Adam, and he looks at me annoyed. “You’re joking,” he says. “I lit that up for nothing?” He ended up giving it to a stranger nearby.

65 Chapter Nine Age 14 Lucas and I spend every day together. Even when we’re with everyone else, we always end up wandering off. Just the two of us. We’ll tell the others we’re going to get something and then just keep walking around for hours. Sometimes we get ice cream and sit on a bench. We talk about everything and anything, and it’s just never awkward anymore. Once, Lauren and everyone seriously got furious because we’d been gone for hours. They were apparently so worried that they were about to call my mum, which would’ve meant her getting into the car and driving around looking for us. When we finally showed up, they all looked like they were about to kill us. Adam even punched my and Lucas’s arm once. It shocked me. George even called us the cutest couple in Hillcrest. We both blushed, and I quickly shook my head. “We’re not a couple.” Everyone laughed and started pointing out all the things we did that apparently looked like way more than just being friends. Like how Lucas braided my hair after a swim at the lake. How we were always walking at the back of the group together. Or how we even made our own handshake. And of course, the one they always mention: how we always go ‘missing.’

66 And they’d always make jokes about how we kissed, but we didn’t. I never even had my first kiss. And the thought of it just doesn’t interest me. They’d even ask Lucas what he thought of me. In front of me I’d sit there pretending not to care, even though I was always curious about what he was going to say. Sometimes he’d shut them up, shrug, or just walk off. And then, they’d ask me what I thought about him. I never really knew what to say. Because the truth was, I didn’t even know if I liked him like that or not. I knew I loved spending time with him. I knew he was my best friend. I knew I looked for him whenever we were all together. But I didn’t know if I actually had a crush on him. “What time is it?” I ask Jazzy, who’s standing on the dock while Lucas and I are still in the lake. “8:12,” Jazzy says as she adjusts the towel around her head. She just came out of her shower and is dressed in her duck pajamas. “Why are you guys still swimming?” George calls from inside Jazzy’s house, his head popping through the window. I glance at Lucas, and we both laugh a little. “It’s a nice late-night swim,” I yell. “Just don’t stay out too long. Crocodiles come out at night!” Adam yells back. My head jerks around and my eyes skim the lake. It suddenly looks a lot darker than it did a minute ago. Lucas laughs and grabs my arm. “He’s joking.” “Are there actually crocodiles here?” “Of course not.”

67 We stay quiet for a bit. The water moves gently around us, and neither of us says anything. It isn’t awkward. And I don’t feel the need to fill in any silences. To be honest, we’ve actually gotten pretty good at being quiet together. Then Lucas breaks the silence. “Did you and Andreas kiss?” I look at him and force a laugh, awkwardly. “That’s so random.” He shrugs. “Not really,” he says. “He was your boyfriend.” “Yeah. But it’s random that you brought it up out of nowhere.” “I’ve been thinking about it.” “Why?” “I don’t know. I’m just curious.” “Ookay…” I start playing with the water, splashing it a little. I don’t even know why the question makes me awkward. I glance up at him. He’s looking at me. Like, really looking at me. As if he’ll be able to figure out the answer himself by just staring at my face. My heart starts beating a little faster. “Well?” he presses. “No!” I splash him. He wipes the water from his eyes. “It feels weird being asked something like that!” Especially from him. From a guy in general. “Christine. You’re acting like I asked you if you were on your period—“ I splash him again. “You can’t ask a girl that either!” He wipes his eyes again. “It’s normal.”

68 “How would you feel if I asked you if you ever had a boner?” Saying that out loud makes my face go bright red. Oh, my gosh. Why did I say that? Lucas stares at me. For one horrifying second. Then he laughs. “That’s normal too,” he says. “We can’t control it.” “Shut up!” “You asked me!” I groan and dunk my head underwater. When I come up, I run my fingers through my damp curls. “Let’s change the conversation.” “Again, you brought it up—” “I was making a point.” “A stupid point.” I splash him lightly. “Shut up.” He grins, and I roll my eyes. A moment later. I get curious. “So, wait.” “What now, Christine?” “When you see a pretty girl, does that just happen?” He pauses. Then he looks away so quickly. Even in the dim light coming from the lamppost and the light from his house, I can see his face blush a little. “Yeah…?” he mumbles. I don’t know why that answer sticks with me. Maybe because now I can’t stop wondering if he’s ever thought I was pretty. Which is stupid. Obviously, I’m not going to ask him that. I’d rather throw myself into the lake.

69 But once, my friend spent an entire lunch break telling us how her boyfriend had gotten a boner because of her. When I asked how she even knew, she just said it was obvious. Apparently, you’d know when it happened. With Lucas, I never knew anything. Oh my gosh! Why am I thinking this? And why am I hoping he’s gotten it for me? “So you got it for blondes with big boobs?” The second I say it, I want to vanish. Maybe dive into the lake and never come back. Maybe even get eaten by a crocodile. My face goes really really hot. Where did that conversation even come from? Probably from all the silly conversations I had with my friends. “Christine…” “And you get them in the morning—” I get cut off by Lucas squishing my cheeks together one hand, shutting me up. His fingers are all wrinkly from being in the water for so long. “Stop talking.” And now I realise how close he is. Close enough that I can see the droplets of water still clinging onto his lashes. And suddenly, I can’t remember a single normal thing to say. I try to think of something smart to say, but my brain completely stops working. All I can focus on is how warm he is in the middle of a cold lake. Then his eyes flick down. It’s so fast I almost miss it. His gaze drops down to my chest before he snaps it back up. I can see his face going bright red. He drops his hand from my cheeks and moves back.

70 My eyes skim everywhere but his face. “Let’s go?” I manage. He nods. I push myself up onto the dock, and the sudden drop in temperature makes me shiver in the night air. I grab my towel and wrap it tightly around me. When I turn around, he’s still floating in the water. “Are you coming?” He offers a strained nod. “In a sec.” ***** The day before I had to leave, Lucas and I walked around the village like we always do. The sun was setting. Lucas suddenly stops. “Christine?” I look back at him. Before I can ask what’s wrong, he steps forward and pulls me into a hug. This catches me completely off guard. This is the first time Lucas and I have ever hugged.

71 Chapter ten Christopher hands me my suitcase before holding both my hands. “Call me if anything, okay?” I kiss him goodbye, and I follow Lauren and Aria toward the plane. It’s Aria’s first time travelling, so she finds everything fascinating. She keeps looking around at the signs and the planes outside the window. “Am I going to see my real dad?” Aria asks, holding Lauren’s hand as she looks up at her. Lauren looks down at her. Aria understands, at least as much as she possibly could, that the man who has raised her her entire life isn’t her biological father. But Lauren has always been careful to remind her that Johnny is her dad, no matter what their DNA says, and that he loves her more than anything. She doesn’t want Aria to think that finding out about Adam changes that. I buckle my seatbelt on the plane, and Lauren goes on about Adam to Aria to try and not get her hopes too high. And my mind wanders. After six years, I’m actually going back to Hillcrest. It feels like I’m imagining it. It doesn’t feel real. And I’m going to be honest. I love Christopher so much. He’s amazing, and we have the perfect life now. But sometimes, when I’m lying awake in bed while he’s at work, a random nostalgic wave hits me, and I’ll vividly remember what it felt like to be tangled up, cuddling in bed with Lucas. His scent. And his heartbeat pounding in my ears. But most of the time, I don’t let myself think about it. I’ve always been someone who gets entirely wrapped up in memories. When things get quiet, my mind remembers the old themes, and I’d watch videos and pictures that are now tucked away on my old

72 laptop. During university, I used to watch them almost every night, letting myself cry to sleep over a ghost of a summer I couldn’t get back. And the worst part is how my brain would loop on the what-ifs. What if he ever missed me? Did he ever look at something funny and reach for his phone, only to remember we weren’t talking anymore? Did he ever reread the letter I wrote to him with tears in his eyes? Did he ever sit and write a message but delete it before locking his phone? I hate that I won’t ever know. After four hours, the plane lands, and I feel my heart pounding in my ears, and I’m shaking. I’m really here. I’m going to see Lucas. I glance over at Lauren and notice her hand is shaking just as bad. But her reasoning is terrifying. She’s going to be looking Adam in the eye and telling him he’s a father to a six-year-old girl he never even knew existed. We get into the taxi, and it’s been so long since I’ve seen this route, but everything feels and seems so familiar as if I was here yesterday. I still remember which way to go. And everything just looks the same. Last time I was on this road, I was heading back to the airport from Hillcrest in tears. And not because I was sad to be leaving. But because everything was falling apart. After an hour, the sign for Hillcrest comes into view, and my stomach twists. I haven’t seen that sign in six years. The taxi drives in town, and my eyes skim the familiar buildings. The ice cream shop. The basketball court. The taxi pulls up outside a motel. We grab our bags, check in, and head to our room. It’s small. Two beds, a tiny bathroom, and an old box TV.

73 “This is crazy,” Lauren breathes out as she sits on the edge of the bed. “Did you see the ice cream shop?” “Yeah.” “It was so long ago.” I glance out the window and see kids riding their bikes down the street. That’s how we used to look. Me riding as fast as I could while Lucas stayed beside me because I was always the slowest. Everyone else would be way ahead, and he’d fall back just to keep me company. “I’m so scared.” I turn to Lauren and move to sit beside her on the bed. “You don’t have to rush it,” I say. “We’re here for two weeks, so tell him when you feel as ready as you possibly could.” She listens to me. “And whatever happens, it’s over. You’ll have done the hardest part, and you’ll know you told him the truth.” “I hope I can actually do it.” “You will,” I say. She buries her face in her hands. “He’s going to hate me so much.” I stay quiet at that. There are no easy words to fix it, no comforting like I can offer, because deep down, I know she might be right. Lauren looks up at me. “I’m really happy you’re here. Really, thank you.” **** We walk around Hillcrest for a while. And Aria quickly starts talking to a few kids her age, and before long, she comes running back to us, asking Lauren if she could go to one of the kids’ houses.

74 We look at the girl standing behind her, then at the parents nearby. We already know them. We’re not exactly friends, but we’ve known them for years. “Yeah, okay,” Lauren says. “I’ll pick you up before dinner.” “Okay!” Aria says, already running back to her new friend. We keep walking around, and as we pass the basketball court, I glance over at her. “Do you remember when you broke your finger playing basketball because Adam threw the ball at you?” “Oh my God. And then he felt terrible whenever I had to sit things out.” Lauren couldn’t play basketball or do anything that added pressure to her pinky. “He’d keep apologising.” I laugh. Lauren gasps. “Do you remember when Lucas pushed you into the lake and you didn’t speak to him for the whole day?” “My hair was straight!” Back then, I barely ever straightened my hair. And that specific day, I’d just come back from the hairdresser. I was so happy with it. But Lucas kept going on about how curly hair was so much better and how he missed my ‘curly fries hair.’ So, at the lake, everyone was swimming, except me. Lucas kept insisting that I come in because, apparently, he was bored of everyone else. But I refused. Over and over again. I even told him to shut up and was serious about it. He didn’t. Eventually, he grabbed my arm and started dragging me toward the water. I was literally kicking at him, but he pushed me in anyway. I was furious. Lauren’s phone rings, and she picks it up. “Hey, Jazzy.” They chat a bit, and I listen. A few moments later, she hangs up. “Barbecue tonight,” Lauren says.

75

76 Chapter eleven Age 15 “Oh my God. I see them.” Lauren giggles as we step out of the car. We see them all doing flips into the pool. She turns to me, running her fingers through her hair. “How do I look?” I look her up and down. She’s wearing shorts and a tank top over her swimsuit. “You look so good. What about me?” She nods. “You look good too.” My aunt gives us money for the entrance and some food before driving off. The second her car disappears, Lauren grabs my wrist. “Bathroom. Now.” We rush inside before anyone can spot us. And we fix ourselves a bit in front of the mirror. I’m curling my lashes while Lauren waits for her turn. “Do you like Adam?” I suddenly ask. She glances at me through the mirror. “Do you like Lucas?” “I asked first.” She laughs. “Well, no. Not really. He’s not my type.” “He’s hot, though,” I shrug. “Yeah…but I’m more into darker-haired guys, not really the blondes.” I nod and hand her the eyelash curler. “Do you like Lucas?” she asks me. “I don’t know.” Lauren narrows her eyes and gives me a look like she doesn’t believe me at all.

77 “No. Actually. I don’t know. Like… not really.” “Christine.” “What?” “You guys are always together, though.” “Yeah, because we’re best friends.” Lauren chuckles, but it’s not a real one. More like the kind of laugh people do when they think you’re being ridiculous. “Best friend, my ass.” I roll my eyes. “He is.” “Sure.” “He is.” Once we finished, we went to the pool, and Jazzy rushed over to us, yelling about how long we took and how all the guys had been doing was showing off their jumps, like aways. I laugh and put my towel down on a sunbed before smearing sunscreen onto my face and arms. “Hi.” I look up and see Lucas walking over before sitting down on the sunbed next to mine. He shakes his head like a dog, the water droplets flying onto my face. “Stop!” He laughs. “You’ve got sunscreen.” He points at his own forehead. I touch my forehead and try to find the spot. “It’s still there,” he says. I groan and rub at it again. “Gone?” He shakes his head and leans over, gently wiping the spot away with his thumb. I can’t stop looking at him. I actually think his lashes are seriously longer than mine.

78 I quickly look away before he notices. Do I like him? I don’t know. Maybe I do. But then again, maybe I just think he’s cute. That’s not the same thing, though. He ruffles my hair. “Let’s go in the water. Come on.” I shake my head. “I’ll go later.” “Why?” “I wanna tan for a bit.” He scoffs. “Yeah, no.” And then he grips my arm and drags me towards the pool. I’m laughing and yelling. I try to pull myself back, but he’s stronger than he was last year. And then I feel a push and I fall straight into the pool. The cold water closes over me, and I come back spluttering. “Lucas!” I shout. He’s just smiling and runs straight towards the pool, jumping in beside me. I quickly swim away, trying to get out of the way before the splash gets me again. Too late. Another wave of water hits me. I keep swimming away from Lucas, but he just swims after me. Whenever he gets to me, he grabs my leg and pulls me into the water, or he’d dunk me. I swim so quickly towards Lauren and jump onto her back. “Get him away from him!” Lauren and Jazzy start splashing him, and he splashes them back. I sneak away because I desperately needed a break. All that swimming made me exhausted. I sit down on one of the steps in the pool and just watch everything around me. For some reason, whenever I’m in Hillcrest, I like to stop for a moment and take in all five of my senses. Maybe it’s because I’m not here

79 every day. I’m not here all year, so I want to remember what it actually feels like to be here. Right now, I can smell the chlorine. I feel the water gently moving around my legs. I hear people laughing, shouting, and the music. And I can see the bright blue water sparkling under the sun. “You’re bleeding.” I hear a voice from behind me. I turn around and see a boy who looks around my age. He’s looking at my back. “What?” “You’re bleeding.” I reach around to where he’s looking and feel a small scratch. When I pull my hand back, there are a few tiny drops of blood on it. I try to remember when I could’ve scratched myself, but nothing comes to mind. “Oh. It’s fine. It’s just a little bit of blood.” “Yeah.” He sits down beside me. “What’s your name?” “Christine. You?” “Joey.” I nod. He looks towards my friends, who are still splashing each other across the pool. “Are they your friends?” I glance over at them. Lucas is laughing with Lauren and Jazzy, but then I notice him looking over at us, and his smile falters a little. “They’re all my friends, except for the girl with her hair in a bun. She’s my cousin.”

80 Joey nods and points towards another group of people in the pool. “They’re my cousins too.” Then he points towards someone standing at an ice cream stand nearby. “And that’s my brother.” I look over at him. He looks about six. I smile and wave at him. He waves back. “You live in Hillcrest?” I ask him, but he shakes his head. “I live in Hammana.” My face lights up. “I go there all the time!” “Yeah? Were you there for the festival?” “Yes! The ones that had fireworks?” “Yeah!” “I was there with those friends.” I point towards my group. He looks over at them, then back at me. “I actually think I might have seen you guys. You looked really familiar. That’s why I came to say hi.” “You came to tell me my back was bleeding—” He immediately shushes me. “You know what I mean.” I laugh. “So, you live here?” he asks. I’m about to reply when I hear Lucas call my name. I look over and see him waving me over. “Is that your boyfriend?” Joey asks me as I step onto the step below. The water reaches my belly button. “No. He’s like my brother.” When he nods, I tell him I’ll see him around and swim towards my friends and Lucas. “Who is that?” Lucas asks me. “I don’t know, but he lives in Hammana, and he said he recognized me from the festival.”

81 Lucas looks over at him. “That’s creepy.” “How?” “What do you mean, how?” He sounds annoyed. “The festival was days ago, and he recognizes you?” I shrug. “I guess.” “That’s so weird.” We spend the rest of the afternoon swimming, getting ice cream, and sitting in the sun. And every now and then, I catch Joey looking over at us with his cousins. Sometimes he looks away when I notice. My friends notice too, so every once in a while, we all look over at them. And at one point, we were even playing Marco Polo in the pool, and Joey swims over and asks if they could join. Of course, I said yes. And every time Joey comes near me, Lucas seems to swim over too. And when Joey tries to speak to Lucas, Lucas becomes very blunt and dry. We play a few more rounds before I start getting bored, so I get out of the pool and sit on my sunbed. A few minutes later, Joey comes over and sits on the sunbed next to mine. “I have to leave now,” he says, softly tapping his phone against his hand. “Oh. Okay.” He hesitates for a second. “Can I have your number?” I shrug. “Sure.” He smiles back, and I open my phone. Since there’s no wifi, he tells me his number, and I add it to my notes. As I’m typing it in, I glance over at the others.

82 They’re all looking at us. They’re talking, and Adam whispers something into Lucas’s ear as he stares. I already know they’re talking about me. I quickly look back at my phone. “It was nice meeting you, Christine. Text me, yeah?” “Yeah.” **** After we got home, took a shower, and had dinner, we all went to the basketball court. Lucas and I played for a bit before he randomly stopped and went on his phone. He’s been acting weird and distant, and I know it’s because of Joey. Earlier, I looked at Joey’s number in my notes, debating whether I should text him or not. But so far, I’ve decided not to. Mostly because it feels like I did something wrong. I sort of feel guilty. It’s not like I have a boyfriend. But Adam has even made me feel bad about it. He keeps making jokes about how I just jumped from boy to boy and it hurts a little, even though I know he’s joking. And now Lucas is sitting on the bleachers, texting away. He’s laughing, and then he starts talking loudly to whoever is on the other end. “Is that your girlfriend, Lucas?” Adam calls out as he sits down besides him. Lucas just laughs and quickly runs off. He looks stupid. So stupid. It’s like he’s trying to get back at me or something, and it’s embarrassing for him. I glance over, and he’s walking around the court. Every few seconds he laughs at something, and for some reason, he’s talking weirdly loud. What is he doing?

83 I feel the urge to go up there and punch him in the mouth. Like don’t worry, Lucas. I can hear you damn well. I’m not that deaf. And whenever someone tries to go near him, he immediately moves away and tells them it’s “private.” Private. I roll my eyes so hard. He stays on the call for I don’t even know how long. Every time I look over, he’s still talking and pacing around. Eventually, I glance at the time and realise it’s been over twenty minutes. I exhale a shaky breath and stand up. I’m done. I’ve got better things to do than sit here and watch him embarrass himself. So I head home alone. By the time I get home, wifi connects my phone, and I get messages from Lucas. Lucas Christine? Where are you? Me I got tired and wanted to go home. I’m sorry for leaving without saying bye. Lucas It’s fine. That’s not why I’m mad.

84 Me Then why? Lucas You left so early aaaand you didn’t say bye. And you left without telling me. Did you walk home alone? Me I was tired. I didn’t tell anyone either, except for Lauren. U were also kinda making me mad. Lucas Why? I leave him on read. Lucas Christine. Why did I make you mad? Me Nothing. Lucas Please tell me. Me No Lucas Let me guess Me Then guess Lucas

85 Amy? Me ? Who is that? Lucas The girl I was on call with. She’s in my class Me Ok. I don’t mind that at all. But the way u were acting was rude. Lucas When? Me Idk, this could just be me, but I felt like you were trying to come at me for talking to the guy at the pool. Like u were trying to make me jealous or smth. Idk if that was your intention or not. You and Adam. Lucas Ohhhh. Nooooo. We always talk to her. You never noticed? I leave him on read again, because seriously, what the hell?

86 Lucas There’s nothing going on. I used to talk to her the same way before we even went to the pool but it’s you who just noticed after we went. Me I don’t mind if there’s smth going on. It’s none of my business. And yeah, I guess I did just notice after the pool. Lucas Yeah. So, now you have a new boyfriend? Me Oh my gosh. Stop. I didn’t even add his number. When he leaves me on read, I toss my phone onto my bed and sit with my mum and aunt in the living room. They’re watching Modern Family. They both asked me why I had come home earlier than usual. I just shrugged and told her how I was tired. A lie. After three hours, I wake up to the sound of someone moving around the room. I lift my head from the pillow and see Lauren slipping into her pajama shorts. The lamp on the bedside table is on. She notices me through the mirror. “Hi,” she whispers.

87 I reach for my phone on the bedside table to check the time and squint at the screen. 12:22 AM. A notification sits at the top. From Lucas. Sent an hour ago. Are you awake? I stare at it for a second before locking my phone again. “You okay?” Lauren asks as she pulls out a pack of makeup wipes. She starts scrubbing off her mascara. I let out a breath. “Lucas was so rude.” “Yeah, I noticed,” she says. “But, you know, he’s upset?” “Good. He should be,” I scoff and sit up properly. “What he did was so childish.” “He’s just mad that you got that guy’s number.” “Why does it matter, though?” I ask, annoyed. “Me and Lucas aren’t even dating.” “Yeah, but there’s something going on between you two. And it’s so obvious that he likes you.” “We’re just close. That’s it.” And I meant it. Lucas was my best friend and the person I spent every day with whenever I came to Hillcrest. “I can do whatever I want, and what I did was not wrong.” She agrees. “Yeah. It wasn’t wrong—” “And Adam is so weird too,” I continue. “Like what did he tell Lucas in the pool?” “He just said Lucas was a pussy for letting it happen,” she says. “And that if your girl is that easy to take away, then she obviously wasn’t the one and was never really his—” I throw my arms in the air. “I’m not his girl!”

88 “Yeah, I told him that.” “And what did he say?” “He just said that if that’s what I really believe, then I’m blind as fuck.” I scoff. “Adam should really mind his own business.”

89 Chapter twelve Age 15 Me and Lucas acted as if nothing happened since the pool. He never brought it up, and neither did I. We just went back to normal. I also hadn’t noticed him talking to Amy since then. It made me wonder if they really had been talking every day like he said, or if it had just been that one time. I try not to think too much about it. “My friends from school want to meet you,” Lucas says as I shuffle the playing cards. I’m sitting criss-crossed on the floor of the basketball court, and he’s sitting in front of me. “Actually?” I ask. “They know about me?” Lucas gives me a look. “What do you think?” I smile. “So, they do?” “You’re my best friend. Of course, they do.” He reaches over and takes a few cards from the deck. “I used to talk about you so much, and they got annoyed, so now I think they don’t like you.” I laugh and nudge his shoulder. “Awww. They’re jealous that I’m taking their boyfriend away from them.” He shakes his head and chuckles beneath his breath. “Shut up.” We play some rounds of card games before we hear a car pull up outside the basketball court. We both turn our heads, and I see two guys coming out of the car. Lucas stands up. “That’s them.” He walks over to them, and I stand and go to the others in the group, who are sitting in a circle. I sit down next to George, but my eyes stay on Lucas.

90 Seeing him next to his friends makes me realise how good-looking he is. He’s taller than both of them, and his arms look more muscular too. One of the guys is skinny with a buzzcut, while the other has a mullet and a slightly broader build. Lucas dabs them up, and they talk for a few seconds before Lucas gestures towards us. I sit up a little straighter as they walk over. “So, you’re the reason Lucas never sees us during the summer,” the mullet guy says. I’d overheard Jazzy calling him Danny earlier, and the buzzcut guy’s name is Jonte. “What can I say? He likes me more,” I joke. Danny laughs. Jonte doesn’t. And I glance over at Lucas to see his reaction. Lucas wanted to chill with the group, but his friends kept urging him to play basketball with them. And since Lucas was the one who invited them, he felt the need to give in and join them. He asked if I wanted to play, but I decided to stay behind with everyone else. Mainly because Jonte groaned when Lucas asked me. So, every now and then, I’d look over my shoulder towards Lucas. They ended up playing for way longer than I expected. Meanwhile, I was stuck playing Never Have I Ever with the others. The questions kept getting more and more worse. Everyone seemed to have some crazy story. And one by one, fingers started dropping around the circle. Mine stayed up. Yes, I’m fifteen. But I still haven’t even had my first kiss. Let alone the stuff they were saying. Like sex positions. Like What? I feel a soft pinch on my shoulder, and I look around and it’s Lucas. He drops down beside me, resting his hands on his knees. “What are you playing?”

91 “Never Have I Ever.” He gives me this look like he’s been in this position before. “You wanna come with us?” “To where?” “No, bro,” Jonte says immediately. “Let’s go, just us three—” Lucas cuts him off and completely ignores him. “We’re just going to walk around.” His eyes stay on me. I stand up and give Jonte a cheeky smile. “Sure. Why not?” Jonte and Danny walk ahead of us as we leave the court. They’re talking to each other as they make their way down the street. I look at Jonte, then back at Lucas. “He hates me so much,” I say, nodding toward him. Lucas looks ahead at his friends. “I don’t know why he’s being like that,” he says. “It’s pissing me off.” “He doesn’t even know me.” “I know.” “Well, I don’t like him either.” Lucas lets out a quiet laugh. Jonte keeps finding ways to leave me out of the conversation. I didn’t mind when they talk about things I obviously wouldn’t know about, like they’re friends from school. Of course, they’re going to have their own stories and inside jokes. But even when they start talking about things I could actually join in on, like movies and countries, Jonte would still not include me. Every time, Lucas notices. He’ll ask me, have you seen that movie? Or didn't you say you went there last year? “So, are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?” Danny looks between us.

92 I feel my face heat up. “He likes Amy—” Lucas’s head snaps towards Jonte. “No, I don’t!” Danny backs Lucas up. “He doesn’t.” “Yeah. I don’t care,” I shrug. But I just feel embarrassed. We stop at a small shop on the way back, and I’m surprised it’s still open at 10. We grab a few bags of snacks and head back toward the basketball court. I rummage through the bag to see what we bought before tossing it to the group who’s in the same circle. They immediately reach for it like hungry animals. I laugh. “Why are you guys acting like you haven’t eaten in days?” I open a packet of Takis and walk back toward Danny and Jonte, who are standing away from the group. I look around, and Lucas is gone. “Where’s Lucas?” I ask. Jonte is holding a small container, turning the lid open. The word "snus" is written on it. “He forgot the other shopping bag at the store,” Danny says. “He went back to get it.” I look at the container again. “What is that?” “Snus,” Jonte says, as he puts a piece in his gums. “What is it, though?” “Nicotine powder.” I still didn’t know what that meant. “Oh.” “You want some?” “Is it like a drug?” I question. Jonte scoffs. “No? It’s healthier than like vape or something.”

93 Danny offers me one, and I…take it? I don’t even know why I’m considering it. I sniff it, and it smells like mint. Not too bad. “Do I just put it onto my gums?” “Yeah, and here,” Danny offers me a coke. “Drink it after.” And I do just that. And the moment it’s in, I feel a burning sensation. I wanna take it out, but they tell me not to and that it’s normal. So I leave it. And quickly after, everything starts spinning. Everything feels too warm, and my legs feel weak, so I sit down on the ground. I hear footsteps. “This bag has more chips if you guys want…” Lucas’s voice trails off. I look up at him. His brows are already furrowed as he looks at me. Then he looks at the guys, then notices the little containers. And his eyes are back on me. “Christine.” My head feels heavy. Lucas crouches down in front of me. “Christine. Did you take some?” I nod weakly. He exhales through his nose, clearly annoyed. “Get rid of it.” I listen and toss it away from me. Lucas reaches for a bottle of water and presses it onto my lips. “Drink.” I take a small sip, but the spinning doesn’t stop. I keep my eyes on one spot on the ground because whenever I look around, everything seems to move even more, and I feel my stomach twist again. Lucas looks at me for another second before turning toward Danny and Jonte. “Why the hell would you give it to her?” “She wanted to try.”

94 “So you gave it to her?” Lucas asks. “Are you actually okay in the head? She doesn’t even know what it was!” Danny and Jonte both glance at me, and I suddenly feel even more embarrassed sitting there on the ground while they’re looking at me. My head is still spinning, and I keep one hand against the ground because I feel so weak to move. I try to stand by holding onto Lucas’s arms and pushing myself up, but I literally can’t. My knees wobble. “Don’t stand up yet.” I squeeze his arms, hoping he’ll understand that I need help getting somewhere else. He looks into my eyes for a second, then seems to realise what I’m trying to say. He helps me to my feet and keeps hold of me as we start walking away from the court. Everything still feels like it’s moving, and I have to concentrate just to keep my balance. I can hear his friends behind us, but Lucas turns around. “Don’t follow us,” he shouts at them. “Just stay there.” He leads me toward some bushes a little further away from everyone, and the second we get there, I bend over and throw up. My whole body shakes, and I grip my knees. Lucas immediately moves my hair away from my face, and I feel the cool air hit the back of my neck. “I feel awful,” I mumble. “I know.” Lucas looks at me as if he knows how scared and embarrassed I was, and the tone of his voice tells me he was actually trying to make me feel better. But he was probably just judging me.

95 “Don’t look at me,” I try before bending over again. I throw up. “I know you’re judging me.” “I’m not.” “But you’re mad that I took it.” “Yeah, I’m mad. You didn’t even know what it was, and you took it,” he says. “But I blame the guys. I’m mad at them.” I glance back at him, and he continues. “I told them not to pull stuff like this here, and they promised me they wouldn’t.” I look back at the ground and vomit again. He rubs my back. “I’m never taking that again,” I cough, trying to catch my breath. “Good,” he says. “Don’t take random stuff because someone tells you it’s fine.” “Yeah.” I slowly straighten up, and I just stand there, staring up at the moon. I need this cool air against my face. Lucas stands beside me without saying anything. I don’t say anything either. The only sound around us is the crickets and the faint noise of everyone talking somewhere back at the court. Lucas glances at the side of my face. “You okay?” I shrug, still staring at the moon. He nods quietly. We stand there for a bit before I take a step back. My head still aches slightly, but everything stopped spinning. Lucas looks at me, probably checking if I’m actually okay. “You want me to carry you?” “No.” “You sure?”

96 “Yeah.” “I can carry you.” “I know, but still, no.” As we head back to the court, Lucas keeps glancing over at me every few seconds, like he’s checking that I’m still okay. Everytime, I look up, I catch him looking. He never says anything, though. The second we walk in, Jonte starts going off. “We don’t see you all summer because of her, and the one time we finally get a day together, you spend half of it following her around like a lost puppy.” “Just shut up,” Lucas hisses. “Bro,” he continues. “You’re such a follower. She says, Jump, and you ask how high.” I laugh at that which pisses him off even more. He gives me a hard glare before stepping towards Lucas. “Don’t make me grab her by the hair, throw her into the middle of the court, and rape her in front of everyone—” One second, Lucas is standing beside me. The next, he’s on Jonte. Jonte’s head jerks to the side as he stumbles back. But one punch was not enough for Lucas. He swings at him a second time. My mouth falls open as I take the biggest step back. “Lucas!” I hear Jazzy shout. “Stop!” Footsteps rush toward us. Everyone starts shouting at once. George gets to him first, grabbing Lucas by the shoulders and pulling him back. “Stop!” Lucas doesn’t even seem to hear him. George slaps him across the cheek to snap Lucas out of it.

97 Lucas looks at George for a split second. He’s breathing hard, his chest rising and falling quickly. His hands are still clenched at his sides, and he doesn’t move. “Are you okay?” Lauren asks Jonte as he’s clutching his nose. Blood slips through his fingers and onto the ground. “Does anyone have tissues?” Danny rushes to get them. **** Lucas I wasn’t judging you while you were throwing up. I was just looking at you, and I felt really bad for you, and honestly all I wanted was to hug you. Me Awww. Thank you, btw. I just thought you were judging because I know u hate when ppl do stuff like that. Lucas I do hate it, but it’s fine. All I wanted was for you to be okay. And I’m sorry about my friends. I actually hate them so much. They’re not my friends anymore. After George pulled Lucas back, Lucas told everyone exactly what Jonte had said. Jonte immediately tried to defend himself. He kept saying he never said it, that we had heard him wrong, but it only made Lucas angrier. Every time Jonte opened his mouth, Lucas looked like he was about two seconds away from starting another fight.

98 It was obvious nobody believed Jonte anyways. Because everyone knew Lucas wouldn’t make this up. More importantly, everyone knew what Lucas was like. He’s really calm. He’s someone who would walk away from an argument and try to forget or ignore it. Everyone was looking at Jonte, not Lucas. And Lauren started talking to him in such a strict tone. Jonte looked more embarrassed with every word she said. He couldn’t even look at anyone in the eye, and his hands were slightly shaking. Eventually, he turned to me and apologised. “And now you’re going to have to see those ‘friends’ at school,” I say as we walk around the village. It’s the night after it had happened, and Lucas blocked both of them on everything. He was supposed to go to Jonte’s birthday party next Saturday, but that plan is completely ruined. “I won’t even look at them.” “But Danny wasn’t too bad. Jonte is shit.” Our shoulders bump as we walk. “No. Danny is a follower. He was the one who offered you the nicotine.” A tiny drop of water lands on my cheek. I look up at the sky and another one hits my forehead. “Is it raining?” Lucas looks up too. “I think so.” A few more drops start falling. “It’s going to get heavy soon.” “I like the rain,” I say, holding my hand out. But the rain starts intensifying, and my hair starts becoming damp against my face, and my clothes are getting soaked. I look at Lucas, who already has his hood pulled over his head. “Let’s go before we get sick?” “You wanna come over?” he asks. “Why?”

99 He shrugs. “It’s still early to say bye.” I nod. “Okay.” and we start making our way towards his house. We’re walking a little faster, and my shoes splash through the small puddles. “Where’s everyone else?” I ask. “They went to Hammana.” “Wow. They went without us.” “They ask me if I wanted to go,” he says. “But I said no.” “Well, they didn’t ask me.” He looks at me. “Would you have gone?” I think about it for a moment. “No.” I notice a big puddle right beside us, and I bump my hip into his, trying to shove him towards it. He barely even stumbles, and he gives me a smirk before nudging my shoulder. I stumble a little, but it’s not enough. “So weak.” I roll my eyes sarcastically. “Oh yeah?” “Yeah.” He grabs both my wrists and starts dragging me towards the puddle. “Lucas!” I shriek, trying to pull myself back. “You called me weak! So you deserve it.” “Cause you are weak!” I struggle against him, and in two seconds, my shoes are in the puddle and the water reaches just below my knees. My lips turn into a tight, thin line, and I slowly start bobbing my head. Oh, it is so on. “I’m scared,” he jokes, taking a step back. I kick the water as hard as I can, and it splashes his hood. A little more than I expected.

100 My hand flies to my mouth as I stifle back a laugh. Slowly, he looks down at his hood before looking back at me with raised brows. Now, he’s the one bobbing his head. “Okay.” And then he rushes towards me. I scream because of how quickly he moves. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his soaked hoodie. “I’m going to get sick!” **** I’m sitting on the couch, scrolling through the movies. “Christine.” I turn my head toward Lucas just as he tosses a pair of shorts and a hoodie. It hits my face, and he laughs. “Sorry.” “Thanks.” I get up and head to the bathroom, with Lucas following me behind. Before I can even close the door, he starts talking about the movie choice he saw on the screen. “I’m not watching that,” he says. “I didn’t pick it.” “It was on.” “I left it there so I can go change.” He starts giving movie suggestions, and I’m just standing by the door, waiting for him to finish, but he just keeps going. “Can you leave so I can change?” He rolls his eyes and flicks my forehead. I wince because that actually hurt. “And I’m picking the movie!” he calls over his shoulder. “Okay!”

101 Before we start the movie, I call Lauren and ask her to call me before she gets home. My mum thinks I’m in Hammana with everyone, so I need to make sure I can get home at the same time as Lauren without making it obvious that I’ve been at Lucas’s house. Especially since his parents aren’t around. They’re spending the night at his uncle’s, so it’s just the two of us. Once everything is sorted, we sit down on the couch side by side. The movie starts, and for the first few minutes, neither of us says anything. It’s a comedy, so the characters on screen are being dumb, but neither of us is laughing. I sit completely still, my hands resting in my lap, while Lucas is right beside me with his eyes fixed on the TV. Why is this awkward? He shifts slightly on the couch. I look at him, and he’s still staring at the screen. I quickly look back at the movie. One of the characters says something stupid, and I let out a small laugh. Lucas looks at me. I look at him. “What?” I ask. “What?” he repeats. “Why did you look at me like that?” “Like what?” I shrug. “I don’t know. Nothing.” And then he does it. His arm slings over my shoulder, and my entire body locks up. Act normal. My heart is hammering so loud against my ribs, and I know he can hear it. Why am I even being so weird about this? He’s literally my best friend, we sit next to each other all the time. I slowly—very slowly—lean my head against his chest. I can feel his whole body stiffen up, and he straightens up.

102 I glance at him. “What?” “Nothing.” He reaches for a pillow and puts it on his lap. “I don’t want to put my head on your lap,” I say. “Okay.” We eventually both relax, and we start acting like ourselves, laughing at the stupid parts of the movie and making comments about the characters. I laugh so hard at one of his comments, and he laughs too. “You look like him,” I laugh, pointing at a troll on the screen. “Yeah, well, you look like…” he pauses, waiting for another character to appear. And a witch pops up. He points at her. “That.” I slap his chest. “No, I don’t!” “You actually do, like, I’m not kidding.” I gasp loudly, because I’m actually offended. He laughs even harder, and I can’t stop laughing either. Then there’s a quiet moment where we’re both just watching the movie, and he starts running his fingers through my hair. I glance over at him. “I can hear your heart breathing,” I mumble. “It’s beating really fast.” He stays looking at the TV. “Yours is too.” After a while, my eyes start to feel heavy, and no matter how hard I try to stay away, they eventually close completely. I don’t wake up until I feel my phone vibrate on my lap. I open my eyes and feel something lightly resting on top of my head. It takes me a second to realise it’s Lucas’s head resting against mine. I gently nudge him away before answering Lauren’s call. “We’re here,” she says. “Come.”

103 “Okay.” Lucas stretches, and I stand up. “You’re leaving?” “Lauren’s outside.” He yawns and nods before getting me up and walking me toward the door. Lauren is waiting in the car with everyone else. Jessica steps out of the car, slamming the door shut before heading inside the house. I look down at the clothes I’m wearing, then at Lucas. “Keep them on,” he says, handing me my wet clothes. I nod, and I’m about to walk toward the car when Lucas suddenly pulls me into a quick, tight hug. “Bye,” he says as he lets go. **** I’m dreading leaving Hillcrest. I hate this. I hate how I spend the whole year waiting for summer to come, only for it to end so quickly. It feels like I’ve only just arrived, and now I’m already leaving again. It’s my last night, and I’m leaving tomorrow at eleven in the morning. “Should I just hide my passport?” I groan. “Or pop the taxi’s tires?” “I really wish,” Lucas sighs. “I’m going to miss you so much.” We’re all sitting in the backyard of Lucas’s house, having my last barbecue together. Everyone is spread around the garden, eating and talking, while Lucas and I sit together on the hammock “Guys!” Adam calls from across the backyard. “I wanna show you all something inside!” I start to get up, but Lucas grabs my arm and gently nudges me back onto the hammock.

104 “Not you two!” Adam adds, pointing at us. “This is for the older people.” “I’m literally 15.” Adam winces. “Still a baby, huh?” They all walk inside, and it’s now just me and Lucas. “They’re actually annoying,” I mutter. “Like, we’ll literally be 18, and they’ll still see us as the baby duo.” “That’s so true,” Lucas mumbles. He doesn’t chuckle like he would have. I glance over at him. “Aw, you’re so sad that I’m leaving.” “I am.” He looks up at the moon and kicks onto the ground, causing the hammock to sway gently back and forth. “It’s a full moon,” he mutters. I look up. “Yeah.” “Make a wish?” I don’t even have to think about it. “I wish for the flights to be cancelled,” I say out loud. “I hope that comes true.” “Me too.” And then, Lucas turns completely towards me. My heart does a stupid flip. “You said your wish out loud,” he says. “Yeah.” He doesn’t say anything for a second, just looks at me. “I’m going to tell you my wish too, then.” I straighten up. “Finally! You never tell me any of your wishes!” I nudge at his shoulder. He smiles. It’s small, though, and it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Can I be honest?”

105 “Yeah.” “I’m honestly tired of us being friends when we’re sitting here like this.” His eyes don’t leave mine, and he gestures to how my leg is thrown over his thigh. “I know the timing sucks with you leaving. But I don’t care. I’ve never felt this way for a girl, and for three years, I only ever liked you.” My mind is screaming in panic. I knew deep down this would eventually happen, and deep down, I was hoping it wouldn’t. Not that I didn’t like him. Maybe I did. But because the second someone says something like that, everything changes. I stare at him, and all I can think about is how perfect we were. How everything was just so easy with him. What if that disappears? Because once you cross that line, there’s no undo button. When we break up, we can’t just go back to being friends. I’ll lose him. And that feels so wrong, because right now, he’s one of the most important people in my life. “Will you be my girlfriend?” But if I say no now, I’ll lose him anyways. “What about long distance?” I ask. “I don’t care about the distance,” he says. “If it’s you, it’ll be easy. I’ve already spent three years doing it in my head.” I smile at him. “Really?” “Really.” “I really like you, Lucas.” His smile grows, and he lets out a quiet laugh, shaking his head like he still can’t believe I’m actually saying it. “Yeah?” I nod. “Yeah.”

106 I grab his bracelet off his wrist and try it on. And then I completely forget to give it back. I leave Hillcrest, and the bracelet stays on my wrist. Chapter thirteen Seeing Jazzy and this house brings me straight down memory lane. Every single corner is completely haunted by Lucas. He’s everywhere. Not

107 physically. Just in my memories. It’s suffocatingly loud with memories of the teenage version of myself. I still remember it all. And it feels like I’ve stepped into a life I haven’t lived in this lifetime. It feels like I’ve just been dropped right into a dream. I’m suddenly thirteen, watching Lucas play his video games. I’m fifteen, sleeping on his chest as we watched a movie. I’m sixteen, feeling the fireworks in my stomach when he kisses me for the first time. I’m seventeen, feeling the goosebumps on my body as his warm hand moves up my leg. I’m eighteen when my hand moves closer to his waistband. The second Jazzy opens the front door, she sprints over and pulls Lauren into a tight hug, and before they can even pull away, they’re both crying. We talk about everything, and I try my hardest not to mention Lucas. I don’t ask if he’s coming. I don’t even let myself look around for him. Because I shouldn’t care. I don’t want to see him anyway. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. My phone rings, and I look at the contact name. Christopher. I excuse myself and walk into the house before answering. I rest my elbows on the kitchen counter, and we talk for ten minutes. I tell him about the flight, everything we’ve been doing, and how I’m at Jazzy’s house. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him back. “Christine?” My heart drops. I pull my phone away from my ear, looking back. It’s not Lucas. It’s Adam. The last time I saw him, everything had ended horribly.

108 “I’ll call you back,” I mutter into the phone and end it. I slowly look up at Adam, and neither of us says anything. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other, both clearly remembering the last time we were in the same room. Me yelling. Him yelling. Me throwing my shoe at him. Him swearing back. “Hi,” he finally says. “Hi,” I reply. Yeah, call me petty, but even after all these years, seeing him still manages to piss me off. He nods at me. “So, how have you been? It’s been a while, huh?” I nod. “Yeah. I’ve been good. How about you?” “Good too,” he says. “I didn’t know you were coming.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. “I’ll tell Lucas to come over.” He dials his number and puts it on speaker. “It’s okay, you don’t need to—” “What?” That voice. I straighten up so quickly that I have to grab onto the counter to steady myself. His voice is deep and so familiar. I take a shaky breath. Adam tells him that I’m here, and the line goes completely dead silent on the other end. Then he breathes out. “Christine?” “Yeah, she’s here.” Adam nudges his phone toward me. I don’t take it, so he keeps nudging, urging me to take it. Slowly, my hand reaches out. And when I grab it, I notice Adam’s gaze dropping downward, his eyes lingering for a second on my ring finger. “Hi, Lucas.” My heart is hammering against my ribs. There’s another silence before he hangs up. The screen goes black. “He hung up,” I say, passing the phone back.

109 Adam takes it. “You’re married?” “Engaged.” NOT FINISHED

110 Chapter fourteen Age 16 The relationship between me and Lucas wasn’t what I expected it to be. September and October were actually good. We had long conversations every day and called every week. But after that, it started to get boring. Like it didn’t feel like we were in a relationship anymore. It just felt how it was when we were best, best, best friends. But everyday, he made sure to remind me that he loves me so much. I became dry and would take forever to reply. He noticed, and it would worry him, but I didn’t care. He’d send me lots of messages and try to start conversations, but I’d see those messages and tell myself I’d reply later. And we’d go hours without texting, and we never called. When he’d tell me news, I wouldn’t care. I just stopped caring. And then, just last week, he left me on delivered for three days. Three days. But I didn’t care. I was busy with my friends and school, and I had enough going on that I wasn’t about to sit around and wait for him to text me. I was enjoying my life with my new friend group. Then, three days later, my phone finally buzzed. He apologised and told me how much he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. Our conversations had become so brief that it felt like we were checking in because we had to. There were no more random conversations

111 that lasted for hours. No sending each other things just because they reminded us of each other. Just the same few messages, every day. And his friends from school started to follow my socials. Amy and her friends. They already knew about me because Lucas had constantly talked about me at school. Basically, everyone from his class knows about me. Like once, his teacher asked if anyone was dating, and everyone looked at him and yelled my name. Christine. And apparently, they kept nagging him to give them my socials because they wanted to be friends with me. Lucas didn’t want me following them at first. He kept calling them weirdos and saying I didn’t need to know them. Eventually, though, Amy somehow convinced him to let me accept their requests. And one time, he told me that Amy wrote an essay about me and Lucas for an English exam. She wrote an essay that we had two kids and then got divorced. I thought that was really weird. Like, really weird. But I didn’t tell Lucas that. I just laughed and acted like it was funny. And today, there was a festival that Lucas went to, and he hasn’t texted me since 3 in the afternoon. I called him. There was no answer. Then three hours later, I text him. Me Text me when you get home. Two hours later. Lucas Hi

112 I reached a long time ago. Me How was the festival? Lucas Fun. I went with 5 of my girl friends. We enjoyed it. Something really funny happened with me and Amy. Me What? Lucas So, it was raining a bit, just a bit, and Amy wanted to tell me something so she asked me if we can walk under the rain while telling me so I accepted and we started walking till we reached the end of the court. Like, we were really far away from everyone. And then out of nowhere, it started raining so much. I told her that we had to go and she was like “NO WE ARE NOT GOING. I LOVE ITTT.” and then I dragged her to go back and when we reached we were wet af just because she loved it. How is that funny? I just send him two laughing emojis. Me Don’t get sick.

113 He leaves me on read. And two hours later, I text again. Me I think she has a crush on you. He replies immediately. Lucas She does. Me Ok. I thought you were sleeping. And how do yk she likes you? Lucas I js know. Me Okay. That night, I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. And I let myself admit it. I was done with him. I didn’t want this anymore. I was bored, and my guy friends gave me more attention than he did. And clearly, he has enough girls to worry about. I shouldn’t add onto it. I picked up my phone and looked at our last messages for a few seconds. I start typing, but then delete it and put my phone back down. Tomorrow, I told myself.

114 Tomorrow, I was going to break up with him. Me I wanna talk to you abt something. An hour later, he replies. Lucas Go ahead. I’m scared for some reason. Christine? ?? Where did you go? Me I love you, Lucas, but long distance is hard and I hate it. We never call, and when we do text, it ends quickly, and I don’t mind that at all because we are both busy with our lives. But being in a relationship with you only works in Hillcrest. I’m really sorry but I think it’s best if we take a step back and remain as friends. Lucas Oh Me Sorry We can stay as friends, and we see what happens in Hillcrest bc I still love you. Lucas

115 What if I promise that we text and Call more? Or is it still a no? Me That’s rlly cute but idk. Lucas Like you’re soon coming back. Don’t you think we should wait until you’re back? Me 7 months Lucas. That’s not close. Lucas Come onn Please Me I think it’s good for both of us for a bit. Lucas So there is a chance when you come Back? Me No hard feelings from me I still love you

116 Lucas I love you so much more. This was my biggest fear, Christine. And you used to always comfort me and say that it would never happen. Me Sorry. Lucas It’s all my fault. Me It’s not. Don’t say that. Lucas I never called you and I barely texted. Just a week ago, I was telling Adam how horrible I am with you and I was telling her that you don’t deserve what i’m doing to you and that I feel that you might break up with me because of me. I was so worried. Well, I was right. And you might not believe me, but I was telling him that I was waiting for christmas to change. I told him “I’m waiting patiently for christmas break to give her what she deserves and more.” I feel so horrible. Is there a possibility we get back together?

117 Me Idk. Lucas You lost feelings? Because if you lost feelings then I’m going to shut up But if you still love me but u wanna break up because of the distance then I wanna keep trying to fix what I did. I love you Christine. Me I think this is better for the both of us. Lucas Please stop I’ll text you later. It’s been three hours since we last texted, and I can’t stop crying. I didn’t think I’d be sad because it felt like I had already lost him months ago, but now that he actually might be fully gone, it scares me. I keep staring at my phone, hoping it’ll light up. Another three hours pass before he finally texts me. Lucas Christine I can’t stop thinking Me Same

118 Lucas I tried sleeping to forget what happened, but I couldn’t. Do you wanna get back together? I want us to go back so bad and try to correct what I did. Please. Me Okay. I want to go back too. Lucas Actually? Me I tried distracting myself from this for the past two hours and just couldn’t. I already miss you Lucas. Oh Christine, I love you so much. Me I love you too. We call all night that night. And he even starts tearing up on the phone. He told me how shit his day was. And he promised he’d change. We eventually slept on the phone. The next few weeks, we text every day and call often.

119 And then, two months later. I break up with him again because another guy from my school starts getting my attention, and that was when I started questioning whether I still want to be with Lucas. And his heart breaks all again. Lucas. So, it’s really over between us? Me Yes. I’m sorry. I love you Lucas, but I’m not in love with you anymore. Lucas Fine. No worries. You did that two times, I know you’re serious now. Me Yeah. Lucas I’m sorry too. Me I don’t think I’m gonna come back this time. Long distance is hard. Lucas Even in summer? This is harder than long distance. Me

120 Idk what will happen in the summer. Lucas Fine. I still love you Christine. Me We’ll stay friends. Lucas I guess you’re so sure now. It’s fine. I won’t try this time. But I still love you so much. Me I love you too but I feel like this is for the better. Lucas The most important thing is that it’s better for you. Me It’s better for you too. Lucas It’s not. I could have lasted more. Long distance is easy for me. Me No you couldn’t have. We hardly spoke.

121 Lucas I can because I love you. Me And I know you tried and I am really sorry. Lucas Guess it was not enough. I could have done better. Me I’m sorry. Lucas It’s fine. You deserve better anyways. Me You too. Lucas You were more than what I wanted. You were perfect And because of that, I tried my best not to let you go. Me I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted Lucas No. Like I said, you were the perfect girl. But I wasn’t how you wanted.

122 I hope you meet the guy who’ll make you so happy Me I wish the same thing for you. Lucas It won’t happen anytime soon because you’re still in my heart. And I don’t go searching for another girl when there is already the one I love. Unless she’s like you. Now bye. And my friend, Harry, calls me and I leave Lucas on read as I pick up his call. “Hello?” “Why did you break up with him?” he asks immediately. I laugh. “Sara already told you?” “Yeah,” he says. “Well, why did you?” “I wasn’t happy,” I say on the phone. I lay back on my bed. “I didn’t feel like I was dating anybody. Every time I asked him if he wanted to call, he would always say later or I don’t feel like. He never sent me voice messages, but I always saw him send them to his other friends. He would talk about his friends who are girls.” “Yeah. Well, every time, you’re sad or thinking about him or regretting your decision. Remember why you broke up with him,” he says. “Yeah. And also, I’m just not in love. I don’t get excited when he texts me. I don’t feel anything.” “Yeah,” Harry says. “Anyway. Wanna play Roblox?” “Yeah.”

123 Lucas texts me again after three days because he said how it felt wrong not talking to me for a while. So we catch up a little. After that, he starts texting me every few days. Just little catchups here and there. And every now and then, when it’s late at night and I’m laying in bed with nothing but my thoughts, I regret breaking up with him. But then, the next day, when I’m with my friends, I realise its for the better. Lucas Are you awake? Me Yeah. Lucas I still love you. I miss you so much. I’m on call with Harry when Lucas sent me those messages. I tell myself I’ll reply to Lucas later, but I never do. And then two months later, I text him at 2 in the morning. Me You think we’ll ever get back together? Lucas Why?

124 Me I’m just asking. Lucas I loved you like I never did. You might find it stupid but I will be a man without honour if I become your boyfriend again. Because you broke up with me twice. Me I don’t find it ridiculous. I don’t think it’s the end between us. Lucas Ur messing with my head rn i cant lie Me Sorry. Lucas I have a question. Me. ?? Lucas Why did you break up with me in the first place?

125 Me I don’t know. It was just bad timing. Lucas Oh. Christine I still love you So much. But I have to say no. Me Okay. No worries. So, you really love me but you don’t want to be anything again? Lucas Yeah. Because I didn’t want it to end like this. I was really heart broken when you broke up with me both times. I really loved you. Me So you really think this is the end rn? We won’t be together again? Even in Hillcrest? Lucas I wish you didn’t break up with me in the first place. We text a few times a month, and we both go through our own lives.

126 Then one night, at one in the morning, a video pops up on my Instagram. It’s Lucas. The video is posted on his school’s page. I tap on it, and immediately, my stomach drops. He’s standing there holding a bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear. In his other hand is a sign that says, prom? Then a girl walks into the frame. Amy. Amy. Her hand flies to her mouth when she sees him, and then she runs straight into his arms. Lucas starts laughing as he catches her. I watch the video again. And again. My stomach feels sick. He looks so fucking happy. His hair is shorter, but his smile is still the same. It’s the same as it was when he looked at me. It’s the same as it was when he told me he loved me. And the thought that comes into mind is that this wasn’t their first hug. They must have hugged a lot in the past by how comfortable they look. By how long the hug is. Around 8 long seconds. And now I’m wondering if he told her he loved her like that too. I send it to Lauren. And she judges harder than I did. And it makes me feel so much better. But then when it’s quiet and there’s nothing left to distract me. I find myself on her Instagram. Who is she?

127 I scroll through her pictures, trying to find something that will make this hurt less, something that will make me understand why her and not me. Is she prettier than me? She has straight hair. I have curly. So, I don’t get it, because Lucas always told me he loved my curls. He’d always make comments about how he liked my hair better when it was curly. So why her? I look at her smile, her clothes, and her pictures, trying to understand what he saw when he looked at her. Because the worst part isn’t that she may be somehow better. The worst part is that she gets to be the girl beside him, while I’m somewhere else, staring at a screen. And maybe what hurts the most is that she gets the version of him I used to think would always be mine.

128 Chapter fifteen Age 16 My heart drops into my stomach the second I spot him standing there in the distance. He’s taller and broader. Even from where I’m standing, I can tell he’s put on more muscle since last summer. His shoulders seem wider. I just stand there staring. He’s laughing with his friends and shakes his wrist before striking at a punching machine. I can’t see the score, but they all get excited. His friends start shouting and crowding around the screen. So it means it was high. There was a festival in Hillcrest, and the basketball court had been completely changed. The hoops were still there, but everything else was covered with games, jumping castles, food stalls, and outside the court, around the streets, little stands selling jewellery, keychains and random things. Lauren and I walk in together. And he spots me. He walks over like normal, which relieves me so much. “Christine!” “Lucas!” I smile. He stops in front of me, and I’m expecting a hug like always. Instead, he glances down at my wrist. “Can I have my bracelet back?”

129 Out of everything he could’ve said after not seeing me for so long, that’s the first thing he asks about. I feel a sting of disappointment and hurt, but I don’t let it show. “Yeah, sure,” I smile and pull out the bracelet from my wrist. “Thanks!” And then he goes with his friends. I look back at him and watch as he walks away. He doesn’t even turn back to look at me. And I was kind of hoping he would. Already a week in, and Lucas feels different. He’s not ignoring me, but he’s not the same with me either. He treats me the way he treats everyone else, even though he used to treat me differently from everyone else. He used to save a seat for me next to him. Now, he just sits between people. I know it shouldn’t matter. It’s just a seat. But it really hurts. We used to get ice cream together all the time. Now, I’ll ask him to go, and he’ll shrug and say, “I don’t feel like it, but I think the others are going if you want to go.” That hurt me a lot, because he used to be the one forcing me to go. Just the two of us. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I’d tell myself that he’s doing that now because I just got back, and seeing me again after a whole year, after our breakups, is probably weird for him. But it’s been fourteen days now. Two whole weeks. Shouldn’t the shock of seeing me again be faded by now? Another thing is the hoodie. Whenever I was cold, he’d usually give me his because he said it looked better on me. Just yesterday, I saw him holding it, and I stole it from his hand like I normally would, but this time he just took it and said he was cold. He used to walk at the back of the group with only me and tease me the entire way. Now he was with everyone else.

130 I can’t help but notice how different everything feels. And I hate it so so much. I approach him while he’s sitting on the bleachers of the basketball court. “Can we talk?” He looks up at me for a second before his eyes drift past me to whatever was behind me. “Can we later?” My stomach sinks. “Why?” He shrugs. “I don’t feel like it.” “Oh. Okay.” Two days later, he finally agrees to talk after I asked him again and again. We walk through the village together. Something that we’ve always done which feels normal. “Do you really think it’s over between us?” I’m looking at the ground as we keep walking. He doesn’t answer, so I glance at the side of his face. It’s dark, but I can still see the stubble along his jaw. His jaw got sharper too. “Lucas?” He sighs. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” “The truth.” “I am telling the truth.” “No, you’re not.” He looks at me. “What do you mean?” “You keep saying you don’t know, but you clearly do.” He looks away again. “Christine, I do know.” My stomach drops. Please no no. “So you really think it’s over?” I mutter. “I think it has to be.” I shake my head immediately. “Why?”

131 I’m sorry, but I don’t believe him. I don’t believe that after everything between us, it’s over this easily. He can’t just suddenly not want to be with me anymore. There has to be more to it than that. Maybe he’s hurt. Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he’s trying to protect himself. Maybe he loves someone else? But I can’t believe he just stopped loving me. “I already told you, Christine,” he exhales hard. “I loved you so much, but you broke up with me twice.” He doesn’t love me anymore? “I know. I’m sorry,” I say. “But the first time didn’t count. I went back to you immediately.” “It does count.” He looks ahead as we keep walking. “And now it just feels like you only love me when you’re in Hillcrest, but once you go home, you don’t care anymore.” I stop walking for a second. “That’s not true at all.” He glances at me before looking away again. After a moment, he nods once. “Okay.” I hurry to catch up with him. “I always loved you, but I just wasn’t ready before. Now, I am.” It’s quiet for a bit. “This is bringing me so many memories,” he says. “Good or bad?” I ask. “Everything.” “Yeah, well, sorry, but I don’t think this is over between us,” I shrug, and he just stays quiet. He looks at me. “Christine—” “No, seriously. Third time’s the charm,” I rush out. He shakes his head, and I can tell he’s already preparing to shut me down. “Look, I get it.

132 You want some self-respect…” Blah Blah Blah. Self-respect my ass. “Honestly, I think that’s a good thing. But can’t we just try again? Just once. I promise I won’t mess it up.” “If I say yes, I’m just putting myself through it all over again.” Why is he acting like I cheated on him? Acting like I did something unforgivable? Like I betrayed him. I know I hurt him. I know I made him feel like he wasn’t enough for me or that I stopped caring about him. But why is he acting like I’m someone he needs to protect himself from? “I changed, Lucas. I love you so much, and I just want things to go back to how it was.” Before Amy became obsessed with him. “I don’t think we should throw everything away because of a small mistake I made.” “One small mistake?” He narrows his eyes at me. “Yes?” He lets out a short laugh and looks away. “Christine, seriously?” “What?” “You’re acting like it was nothing.” “I’m not saying it was nothing?” “Then stop calling it a small mistake.” “Stuff like this always happens in relationships. People fight. They break up. They get back together. That’s how they improve.” He scoffs. “So breaking up a hundred times then going back together when you feel like it?” “That’s not what happened at all.” “Then what happened?” I open my mouth, then close it again. The problem is that I don’t know. I know what I felt back then, but I don’t know how to explain it without sounding stupid. “I was confused. I was dumb and—” “And what happens next time you’re confused?”

133 “There won’t be a next time.” He slowly nods. “Yeah. There won’t be.” I just feel like crying. When I said there wouldn’t be a next time, I meant I wouldn’t break his heart again. But when he said it, he meant there wouldn’t be a next time because there wouldn’t be an us Ever. I feel sick. My throat burns. I feel scared. I’m scared he’s already made up his mind. Like no matter what I say now, I’m losing him. And I can’t do anything about it. He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off before he can. “I know I’m not perfect. And I know you deserve better, so I want to be better for you. Just please give me a chance and don’t let me go.” “I didn’t want to let you go, Christine. I wanted to be with you forever.” “Then let’s try again.” He shakes his head. “You also deserve better.” “Then be better for me?” “You think I haven’t thought about that? I just can’t.” Why can’t he? And I know if I ask, he’ll give me the same answer. That he just can’t. Like that’s supposed to be enough for me to understand, like I’m supposed to accept it and move on. “Why are you acting like I was the only one who made mistakes?” He looks at me. “What?” “You weren’t perfect either.” My voice cracks.

134 Every single summer until this one, he wouldn’ve noticed immediately. He would’ve stopped walking. He would’ve pulled me into a hug and told me it was okay to cry. That everything would be okay. Now he just looks at me. No reassurance. Nothing. It’s like if I died right now, he’d stare and walk over me. This isn’t Lucas. It doesn’t feel like him. “I never said I was.” “You cheated on me.” The words come out of me before I can stop them. And Lucas stops walking. Actually stops. His eyebrows pull together as he turns toward me. “What?” “You cheated on me,” I repeat. “What are you talking about?” “Are you deaf? I already said it twice.” “I never cheated on you.” “Sure, you didn’t.” “I didn’t?” “You asked Amy to prom.” The second I say her name, he relaxes. Like he finally understands where all of this is coming from. “I didn’t cheat on you. We were broken up.” “But you guys were close even when we were together. And even right after we broke up, you guys started hugging? You started carrying her? That’s seriously disgusting.” He doesn’t say anything. And that hurts so much more than if he had just argued with me. Shouted at me.

135 I feel like a dagger had gone straight through my chest. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. Her jumping into his arms. Him catching her. The two of them laughing together. I picture his hands around her waist, holding her up while she wrapped her legs around him. She must have gotten butterflies. And she knew about me. That bitch knew about me. She knew that I was his girlfriend and that he loved me. I look at Lucas, but he still hasn’t said anything. I can imagine her reaction when she found out we broke up. She was probably jumping up and down, thinking it was finally her chance. “I loved you, though. If you told me about it before. I would have put some distance between me and her.” He seems so genuine about it. And now I feel like the evil one for blaming it on him when I didn’t ever even tell him how I felt about it. I never asked him to stop hanging out with her. “But I had nothing with her while we were still together.” “But you guys must’ve been pretty close if we broke up in February and you were already asking her to prom in like March.” He shakes his head. “I asked her at the beginning of May.” I raise my hands in a mocking way. “Oh my gosh! What a difference.” I scoff. “That’s still not long after we broke up. Clearly, you guys had something going on.” “Christine. Prom means nothing. I didn’t even want to ask her. Her brother and her friends kept persuading me until I said yes.” I stay quiet. “I didn’t cheat on you,” he says. “Are you guys dating?” “No.”

136 Without even realizing it, two hours had passed, and my phone kept buzzing from Lauren. It was getting late so we had to go home. “Sooo, you for sure don’t want to get back together.” He’s hesitant for a second before saying, “Yeah.” Then he pulls me into a tight hug. “We can still remember all the good memories, though.” That leaves a bitter feeling within me. Remember? Like everything between us is already over, and all we have left are memories. I pull away from him. And I look him up and down, letting my judgment do all the talking. “I’m good. Thanks.” I go home that night and stay in bed, crying. I check her socials again. **** The next day, I have fun with everyone and try to avoid Lucas as much as I can, even though all I want is to just be around him. We go on a mini hike, exploring more of Hillcrest and walking through places we haven’t cared to see before. I mostly stick with Jazzy and Lauren, and we laugh a lot. It feels good to laugh with them. But every now and then, I catch myself wishing Lucas was beside me, laughing too. But I feel okay. Later, though, Lucas starts walking with me. We end up at the back of the group, just like we used to, and he starts teasing me. He reaches over and steals my hat off my head. Then he pokes at me with a stick. And it’s almost like how it used to be. Then night comes, and we’re all at the basketball court. Without even realizing it, I start slipping back into the way I used to always act around him. I play with his hair, I squeeze his cheeks, he cracks my knuckles, and I jokingly try to get him to carry me. To my surprise, he

137 actually does, and I laugh as I hold onto him. But then, after a second, he suddenly puts me back down, almost like he remembers that we were over. The day after that, I’m clingy again. But Lucas isn’t. He’s dry with me, and that hurts a lot. I thought maybe things were finally going back to how they used to be, but now he’s distant again. And it starts becoming this constant cycle. One day, he acts like he wants me around, teasing me and letting me get close. Then the next, he acts like he couldn’t care less about me. I never know which version of Lucas I’m going to get. And I hated how the way he treated me determined my mood. Some days, I’d go home smiling because he’d given me attention and made me feel special. Other days, I’d go home crying because he barely spoke to me. It was like my entire day depended on how much attention Lucas decided to give me. Chapter sixteen

138 Chapter seventeen Age 16 We went to the pool, and Lucas and I spent most of the day together. He kept pushing me into the water. We’d jump in together, race each other across the pool, and he’d keep dunking me underwater, and I’d try dunking him back. He’d even grabbed my leg from underwater and pulled me in. Later, when we all went to get ice cream, Lucas took the biggest bite out of mine without even asking. I stared at him in disbelief before taking an equally huge bite out of his. He bobs his head. “Oh yeah?” I nod. “Yeah.” Then, he smudges his ice cream on my cheek. I gasp and grab my water bottle and splash it all over him. “What a waste of water,” I hear George say.

139 And another day, him and I would be sitting on a bench, just talking about everything. I’d rest my head on his shoulder, and he wouldn’t move away. He’d just sit there, playing with the ends of my curls. And there was even a bat that flew right behind us. It scared me so badly that I jumped up and rushed away, but Lucas grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him. “Don’t worry,” he laughed. “It’s not going to hurt you.” But then I’d wake up the next morning excited because of how good things had been the day before, only for him to be distant. I’d try to make jokes with him, and he’d barely react. One time, I asked him to give me a piggyback ride, expecting him to tell me to get on. Instead, he’d just say “My back hurts.” I rolled my eyes and walked away. Then, literally minutes later, I looked over and saw him giving Adam a piggyback ride. Like what? I’m way lighter than Adam is. Another day, I tried sitting beside himm but he immediately got up and went to sit somewhere else. And when I asked him what his problem was, he just looked at me and said, “nothing.” before turning back to everyone else. I remember standing there thinking, Okay. So I guess we’re doing this today. “I want some,” I say, watching Adam cut a pear into smaller pieces. He holds out a piece to me, then a piece to Lauren. “Lucas, do you want one—” Jazzy storms into the living room. “Okay, guys!” She’s scrolling through her phone. “Tomorrow, we’re having a house party at my house—” “No, Jazzy!” Lucas immediately yells from one of the single couches. “Not at our house.”

140 Jazzy looks over at him and puts a finger to her lips. “Shut up, Lucas. You always poop on the party.” Adam mouths party pooper at Lucas’s direction. “No, cause last time you had a party at our house, I walked into my bedroom with people having sex!” They all laugh. “I remember.” “It’s not funny,” Lucas scoffs. “Do the party at Adam’s house.” “My grandma is just upstairs, remember?” “We’ll just lock your door this time,” Jazzy replies to Lucas. “Or his grandma could join the party.” Lucas points at Adam. “His house!” Lucas and Jazzy just argue about it back and forth until Lucas finally just let his older sister have her way. Then the doorbell rings, and I get up to open it. It’s George. When I go back to the living room, I pause when I see Lucas sitting on my spot. Jazzy has taken his spot, so of course he decided to take mine instead. I walk over to him. “I was sitting there.” He smirks at me. “Too bad, yeah?” I grab his arm and try pulling him up, but he barely moves. “Okay,” I say, letting go. I drop onto his lap. He leaves me for a second before pushing me off. “You took my spot, so if you don’t want me sitting on your lap, move.” He shrugs. “No.” “Ookay!” I sit back down on his lap. And he tries pushing me off, but I’d always just sit back down. Eventually, he stopped pushing me off. **** It’s 1:20 in the morning, and I text Lucas.

141 Me Soooo Wanna get back together? It’s kinda obvious how we both aint over from each other in that lovey dovey way so why force yourself to stay away? If it’s because you don’t trust me. Let me at least prove it to you. Lucas I’m not forcing myself. Fine. I’ll just stop acting like this if you want. But don’t get mad at me because I did. Me Who says I want you to stop? I just don’t understand why you don’t wanna get back together. Lucas We’ve talked about this for five days Me Ok fine. You’re just leading me on. Lucas I’m not I’ll stop then Me At this point I feel like you’re just forcing yourself not to like me.

142 Lucas I’m not? Me Do you still like me? Lucas I’m not going to answer that. Me Okay. Whatever. I don’t care anymore Bye. Lucas I’m happy you moved on. **** This was my first ever house party. “Lauren!” I call, rummaging through my drawer of clothes. “Help me pick an outfit!” Lauren walks into the room wearing a tight black dress. And wow. The dress fits her perfectly, and for a second, I just stare. She looks so good, and I just wish I had her body. “Can you zip this up?” “Yeah.” I step behind her and pull the zipper up the back of her dress. “Now help me pick an outfit. I have no idea what to wear.” Lauren turns around and looks at the mess I’ve made. The mountain of clothes. “Do you want to wear a dress or?” “Is everyone going to be wearing a dress?”

143 She shakes her head. “No. Not everyone.” “Okay. I’d rather wear jeans and a top.” Lauren walks over to my drawer and starts digging through it. She pulls out a pair of my flared jeans and moves to her own drawer. She pulls out one of her own tops. “Wear this.” It’s a sparkly blue top. I take it from her hands and try the outfit. The second I look in the mirror, I smile. I love it. We start playing music from Lauren’s phone while we’re both getting ready. Lauren is sitting cross-legged on the floor doing her lashes while I’m straightening my hair. If I’m dressing up, I might as well go all out. My hair took forty minutes, and by the time I finished, Lauren was spraying her face with setting spray. I take my makeup bag and look at myself in the mirror. I stared at myself for a second. Usually, I kept my makeup pretty simple. Mascara, concealer, and some lipgloss. But recently, I’ve started experimenting more. I started wearing bronzer, lip liner, and lipstick. Tonight, I wanted to look good. So Lauren did my eyeliner. I loved it. “You look so hot,” she says. “Literally look at you,” I reply back, pointing at her. I look back at the mirror, and I can’t stop smiling. I’ve never felt more beautiful in my sixteen years of living. And Lucas will see me this pretty. Maybe he’d finally want me back. An hour later, we’re finally ready and heading out the door. The walk to Lucas’s house isn’t long, but the closer we get, the louder it becomes. And it’s packed. The backyard is packed with people

144 who I’ve never seen before. The wooden table is covered in bottles of alcohol and red cups. The red cups are everywhere, even on the ground. This is way bigger than I expected. There’s a group in the corner outside, smoking, and I smell weed. Adam is sitting in the middle of them, a joint in his lips as he lights it. He waves at us before we head inside. I hold Lauren’s arm as we weave through the crowd and head inside. It’s just as crowded. There’s a group of people sitting around a table in the corner playing a card game that involves drinking. But I didn’t care about any of that. I just wanted to see Lucas. Wanted Lucas to see me. I skim the room for familiar faces. Where’s Lucas? I follow Lauren around, and someone hands me a red cup. I put it onto the table and continue following her. And eventually, I lose her. I spot George, though. But there’s no way I’m approaching him when there are three girls surrounding him. I’m pushing my way through the crowd, trying to open every door on the way, hoping one of them will budge. I make my way to the bathroom and sigh in relief when the door actually opens. I scream and slam the door shut. My face burns. “Sorry!” A guy was sitting on the toilet with a girl straddling his lap. I pull my phone out of my pocket and immediately text Lucas. No matter the terms we’re on, Lucas will always be my comfort person. The person I want to text when something embarrassing happens. Me

145 I don’t like parties. Lucas I hate them. Are you here? Me Yeah. Where are you? Lucas My room Me Can I come? I don’t know anyone here, and I lost Lauren. Lucas Yeah. I walk up the stairs, nearly tripping twice, and knock on Lucas’s door. He opens it a few seconds later, I go in, and he locks the door behind me. My eyes flick over his face before dropping to his outfit. Really? He isn’t wearing anything fancy for a party. Just a tank top and joggers, like something he’d wear everyday. While I spent two hours getting ready. And he still looks ridiculously good. The tank top shows off his broad shoulders.

146 “I liked it better curly,” he says, nodding to my hair. “Well, good thing I didn’t straighten it for you then,” I reply. But yes. Yes, I did. He moves to sit on his bed, leaning back on the headrest. “How’s it like down there?” “Crazy. It’s so crowded, and I accidentally walked in on two people making out.” He laughs. “It’s not funny! It was so embarrassing, but I don’t think they saw me.” “They won’t remember you anyways. They’re probably too drunk.” “Yeah.” We fall quiet for a bit. He just stares ahead as if he’s thinking, while my eyes wander around his room. His room never changes. I remember it being like this the first time I entered it when I was thirteen. “Wanna go on a walk?” he asks. I just shrug. “Sure.” **** “You smell good, by the way,” he says as we walk side by side away from the party. The stars are brighter than usual. And I glance over at Lucas’s handsome face, lit up by the lights in the sky. “And you smell like shit,” I joke. He scoffs, and I turn to look at him just as he looks at me. “I take back my amazing compliment.” He bumps his shoulder against mine, his hands tucked into his pocket. “So sorry, but you can’t take it back.” “Pretty sure I just did.”

147 “And I’m choosing not to listen.” “Okay, Christine. Okay.” There’s a smile tugging at his lips, but he looks away as if trying to hide that. “I saw that smile, by the way.” “Shut up.” We sit on a bench that has a view of the pine trees and the stars. I sit closer to him on purpose. He doesn’t say anything about it. And then I decide to feel a little spontaneous, so I swing my legs over his lap. My heart immediately picks up. I’ve never done anything like this with him before. I almost consider moving them back, but then he lets out a short chuckle and shakes his head. “What?” I stare at him. “Nothing.” And then I feel his fingers brush against my waist. My whole body tenses at the touch I really did not expect. I glance down at his hand, wondering if he even realised what he’s doing, but he’s still looking out at the trees. I look up at him and wait until he looks down at me. When he does, I say. “Is this the time where we kiss or?” I don’t even feel embarrassed or regret saying it. That’s just how it is with Lucas. I can say wherever comes into my head and never feel the need to overthink it afterwards. I’m never like this with other guys. Not even with my ex-boyfriend. With them, I’d think about every little thing I said, worried if they’d misunderstood me. “No…?” I scoff and look back at the trees. Yeah, it stings a little, but I expected it. I knew he wasn’t going to suddenly pull me into a kiss and tell me he couldn’t stand being apart from me anymore. Still, some stupid part

148 of me hoped he’d surprise me. That he’d do something straight out of one of those movies where the guy realises he can’t live without the girl, pulls her into a deep kiss, and begs her never to leave him again. “Lame.” “If you didn’t break up with me, we could’ve.” “Of course you’re bringing that up.” He shrugs. “Just saying.” I scoff and shove his shoulder before moving away from him on the bench. “Go away, then.” “Christine.” He lets out a quiet laugh and pulls me back towards him. He wraps his arm around my waist again and holds my hand. I look down at our hands, trying so hard not to think anything of it, because I’m supposed to be mad. “Shut up.” I try to pull my hand away, but his fingers tighten around mine. So, I just rest my head back onto his chest. He looks down at me with this irritating little smile, and I hate that I try so hard not to smile. “Don’t look at me,” I mutter again. And he just squeezes my cheeks. “It just would feel wrong, you know?” he says and slowly removes his hand from my cheeks, the warmth leaving. I almost want to grab his wrist and put his hands right back where they were. “I’m not mad about that, of course. It’s fine if you don’t want to kiss me, but I just hate how you keep bringing it up the whole if you hadn’t broken up with me, we could’ve done this or we could’ve done that. It’s annoying, Lucas. And it’s rude. It’s like you’re trying so hard to make me feel guilty or something.” “Sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty.” “Sure you’re not,” I say. “Anyways, I’m glad we broke up because it taught me a lot.” Like how much I actually did love him, because I didn’t appreciate it much when we were together.

149 He stays quiet at that. “Did you kiss her?” Lucas was quiet when I asked. “You’re not going to tell me? I told you that I never kissed Andreas when you asked. And now that I asked, you don’t want to say anything?” “I didn’t force you to tell me…” I bite the inside of my cheek. “I just thought telling you was the right thing since…you know.” He sighs. “Nothing happened between me and Amy. I’ve told you so many times already.” I look up at him. “So you guys didn’t kiss?” “No, Christine. We didn’t.” I feel like I can finally breathe. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I genuinely don’t know what I would’ve done if he’d said yes. If she’d been his first kiss. That would’ve hurt so much. “Well, that’s good.” He chuckles. “I bet you wanted to, though.” “The thought never even crossed my mind.” Now I’m wondering if he ever looked at me and thought about kissing me. If it ever crossed his mind. “Have you ever thought about kissing me?” He looks down at me. “What do you think, Christine?” “I don’t know.” “When I asked you to be my girlfriend, I meant it. I wanted you to be mine forever. I wanted to marry you one day.” He pauses and looks at me like he can’t believe he has to explain this. “I don’t date for fun, Christine. I date to marry and spend the rest of my life with.” My fingers stop picking at the skin of my thumb.

150 “And you think I was going to do all that without ever thinking about kissing you?” I can’t believe he actually wanted to marry me. He wanted forever with me. “You still want to marry me?” He groans and looks away. “I see that smile.” He puts his hand over my eyes. “Then stop looking.” **** We went back to the party once both our phones died, and it’s still just as packed as it was when we left. It’s already 3:30. How long do these parties even last? And does everyone just plan on sleeping over? Whatever. I’m not complaining. Tonight has been the closest Lucas and I have been all summer, and even though he won’t kiss me, I’ll take what I can get. And I never want this to end. When we get back to his room, I jump onto his bed on my stomach. I close my eyes for a few seconds. His sheets smell like him. I feel the weight of the bed dip because Lucas sits down. I look at him but he’s already looking at me. I smile and he smiles back. I shuffle a little closer until our shoulders are touching. For a moment neither of us says anything. I turn to look at him properly, about to say a would you rather question. But as soon as I did, Lucas’s lips were on mine. My brain stops working. It’s quick and just a peck. But fireworks exploded in me. A million of them. My heart is racing, and my hands are shaking. The whole thing is over before I’ve even had time to process it, but for that one tiny second, with his lips against

151 mine, everything feels right again. Like coming home after being away for far too long. “Finally.” Was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Because finally. Lucas kissed me. And I know it was only a peck, barely a second long, but I swear I’ve been waiting for that one second for months. “Okay?” he whispers. I shake my head, still staring at his lips. “More.” He closes the gap between us, peppering kisses on my lips. Chapter eighteen Age 16 The next morning, after church, we all sit together on grass. Lucas is lying on his back, staring at the clear blue sky, and I rest my head on his legs. Except he moves them before I can. I roll my eyes. “So we can kiss, but I can’t put my head on your legs?” “Shush, Christine.” He turns to me abruptly, then glances at everyone else to check if anyone heard. They didn’t. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? You didn’t tell anyone, did you?” And just like that, the little bit of happiness I’d been carrying around all morning takes a hit. After the party last night, I’d immediately told Lauren everything. She’d been drunk but still got so excited for us. She was shocked, too,

152 because neither of us thought Lucas had the guts to kiss me. We always thought I’d be the one making the first move. I sort of did, though, because if it hadn’t been for my little joke, I doubt he would have done anything. “Why does it matter if anyone knows or not?” “Because I don’t want anyone to know.” It hurts how badly he wants to make sure nobody finds out. Most people would be excited to tell the whole world about their first kiss. But Lucas is acting like the kiss was something he didn’t want. Even last night, barely minutes after I’d gone home, he’d texted me to tell me not to say anything to anyone. He’d been so serious about it, too, making sure I understood that he didn’t want anyone knowing. “Why, though?” “Because I don’t want anyone to know.” “Do you regret kissing me?” He’s quiet and moves back on his back, squinting his eyes at the sun as if he’d rather stare directly into it than have this conversation with me. “It was wrong,” he says after a moment. “And it was the last time.” I shrug. “Sure.” **** Except it wasn’t the last time. Later that same night, he’d peck me on the lips again. But then he’d tell me how wrong it was because we weren't dating anymore. And that became our thing. We’d kiss, and then he’d remind me that we shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t care.

153 And now me and Lucas are in the kitchen of his house, while everyone is in the living room. Lucas is putting something together for me to eat. “We have instant noodles,” he says, pulling a packet out of the cupboard. I nod, and he fills the kettle and switches it on. He sits next to me on the table. “My mum knows we kissed by the way.” I look at him. “You told her?” He shakes his head. “She just took one look at me and knew.” I laugh. “How?” “I have no idea. I swear my mum is psychic.” “What did she say?” “She just asked if you and I had kissed,” Lucas shrugs. “She loves you, you know that. So she was happy about it.” “I’m more happy that you didn’t lie.” “I didn’t have to. She’d know anyways.” It’s quiet for a bit, and I just look at him as he stares out the kitchen window at the pine trees outside. “I love you, Lucas.” I haven’t said those words since we were dating. He looks at me, and I can tell he doesn’t know what to say. “I didn’t say it expecting you to say it back,” I add quickly. “I said it because I wanted you to know.” He only stands to his feet and turns back to the noodles. He pours the hot water into the pot and adds the noodles. I swallow and look down at the table before standing up. I walk over to the cupboard for a cup. I’m reaching for one when I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around, and Lucas kisses me.

154 A smile grows on my lips. “So you love me too.” “I never said that.” “You said more than that.” I kiss him again as I lean back onto the cupboard. Then the door swings open, and Lucas practically jumps away from me. I cringe at that. Adam stands there with Lauren peeking over his shoulder, both of them have the biggest grins. “You guys kissed.” Adam points at Lucas, then at me. “No, we didn’t,” Lucas blurts out. He glances at me as if wanting me to also deny it. But I stay quiet and press my lips together to stop myself from smiling. Because honestly, I want them to know. I want everyone to know that Lucas kissed me. “I was literally watching you guys from the keyhole,” Adam says. “We didn’t kiss, though,” Lucas insists. I roll my eyes so hard. I’m so close to telling him to shut up and just admit it. I’m literally one second away from saying the truth myself, because what’s the big deal? We kissed. It’s not like I’m pregnant. “It’s fine,” Adam chuckles. “It’s not a sin to kiss, Lucas. Look.” Adam grabs Lauren’s face and pulls her into a kiss. My eyes widen. Lauren’s eyes widen. Oh, my God. That was Adam and Lauren’s first kiss. I look between them. “I swear to God, we didn’t kiss,” Lucas repeats. My brows shoot up, and now Adam’s and Lauren’s kiss didn’t seem to matter as much. Lucas just swore to God.

155 Lucas, who has kissed me multiple times now, is standing less than a meter away from me, looking Adam dead in the eye and swearing to God that we haven’t kissed. And he’s lying. **** My last night in Hillcrest was the worst night of all. Lucas spent almost the entire evening on his phone, typing away like he was going through some terrible breakup. Ever type I got close to him, he’d lock his screen and turn his phone away from me. He’d even move away from me. I don’t understand him. Does he love me or does he not? Eventually, he got too sad that he decided to go home. It was my last night in Hillcrest. My last chance to spend time with him before I had to leave, and he couldn’t be bothered to put his phone down for me. I cried the entire walk home, barely able to see where I was going through my tears. And when I got home, I cried even harder. When Lauren walks into our bedroom, I quickly wipe my tears with my arm. But she already noticed. She doesn’t ask because she already knows. She rushes to me and hugs me, and I just start crying again. I tell her everything while she sits beside me on the bed. I explain how he makes me feel like I’m the only girl he wants one day, then act like I’m asking for too much the next. How he says he doesn’t want a relationship but still gets jealous when other guys talk to me. “You need to let him go,” she says, and that hurts me more. “If he tells you he doesn’t want anything serious, believe him. Don’t stay because you think he’ll suddenly change his mind.” “But he acts like he wants me.”

156 “And then the next day? What? He still wants you?” she asks me, and I stay quiet. “Don’t ever be with someone who changes his mind about you everyday.” “But I feel like he does want me, but he just can’t. I don’t know.” “Then, bye bye bitch.” And the next morning, everyone came over to say their goodbyes. And Lucas, of course, suddenly had all the time in the world for me. He stayed close and gave me all his attention. I knew he was trying to make up for last night, trying to leave things on a good note so I wouldn’t leave upset with him. And it was working. Because that’s my problem with Lucas. He can make me cry myself to sleep one night and then show me the smallest bit of affection the next morning, and suddenly I’m thinking that I was being damatic. **** While I was waiting for my flight, I texted Lucas and asked him if he really wanted me to stop loving him that badly. He told me I deserved better. I asked him if he genuinely wanted me to move on from him, and his answer was one I’ll probably never forget. “If I care about you, I have to say yes. If I’m being selfish, I’d say no.” And I hated him for that. Because all I wanted was for him to be sooo selfish. So I texted him that I loved him. The second I sent the message, I put my phone on airplane mode, and for the entire 4 hour flight, I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was going to respond.

157 When we finally landed, I turned my mobile data back on and immediately opened our chat. He’d been online ten minutes ago. My message was still unread. I stared at the screen and hot tears filled my eyes. I hate him. Chapter nineteen

158 Chapter twenty Age 17 I hate to say, but I waited for him. I cried so much because I knew he didn’t care. He never texted me first, never checked up on me. The only time I heard from him was on my birthday, which was in September. And even then, our conversation didn’t last long. And that was the moment I decided I was reallyyy going to try my best to move on from him and let him go. It got easier when I met two girls in the beginning of October, who instantly became my best friends. They dragged me out of the house, took me places I’d never have gone, introduced me to new people, and pushed me out of my comfort zone. For the first time in six years, my life didn’t revolve around Lucas. I started partying. I started drinking. And I loved it. Every Friday, we’d go to this bar and dance with each other and with strangers. It was nothing like the life I’d been living before, and maybe that’s exactly why I loved it so much. This Friday was Halloween, and we were going to a club. Right now, we’re all getting ready at Vikki’s house, music blasting through her TV. I stood in front of the mirror, adjusting my cheetah-print outfit. I had a black mini skirt that was way above my knees and a sparkly cheetah-print tank top. I also wore a cheetah-ear headband. I run my hand through my dark, straight hair.

159 We all turned to look at each other at practically the same time. “You all look so good!” We said in unison. Lara was dressed as a pirate, and Vikki was dressed as the joker. We drank a little before rushing out to catch the train. Lara and I were dying lauging over nothing, while Vikki kept yelling at us to hurry up because none of us wanted to wait twenty minutes for the next train. Thirty minutes later, we arrived at the club. It was dark inside, with purple and blue lights and music so loud I could feel it in my chest. The first thing we did was rush to the bar. After we took shots, we headed to the dance floor. We hold each other’s hands as we squeeze through the crowd. I looked away from my friends for maybe two seconds before turning back and finding both of them making out with some guy. I burst out laughing. Everything felt a little blurry. Then I felt a hand slip around my waist. And a guy stars dancing with me. I couldn’t see his face properly, but I could see he had a small beard, and he was my height. He starts whispering into my ears as we dance to the music. Then he leans closer, and I don’t pull away. Lucas wasn’t my last kiss anymore. He buys me a drink, and I rush back to my friends, but he trails behind. They all take a sip, and we leave the guys and start dancing together. “Should we take a shot?!” Vikki shouts. “What?!” I shout back. She makes a drinking gesture with her fingers, and I nod. She drags me and Lara towards the bar. And I take another shot before taking a sip of my other drink. This was my first time going full out.

160 At some point, I lose the guy I’d been dancing with. I don’t even care or look for him. Another guy made his way towards me, and we started dancing together. Then he leaned in, and once again, I found myself kissing another stranger. I feel a panic tap on my back, and I pull away from the kiss. “Where’s Vikki?” Lara yelled over the music. I look around, trying to find her, but the guy caught my waist and leaned in to kiss me again. I pull back and spot Vikki bent over the bin, throwing up while the guy she’d been with stands next to her. We rush over to her. And she gets better after a few minutes and drags us towards the bar. We take another shot. The lights blurred together, and the room seemed to spin around me. My legs felt weak, like they could barely hold me up, so I stumbled towards the couches and dropped onto one. The music was too loud. The lights were too bright, and everything was spinning like crazy. Then I heard Lara. “Christine?” I feel her hands on my shoulders, shaking me gently, but I couldn’t seem to answer her. My head felt heavy. I wanted to tell her I was fine. I wanted to tell her to go back on the dance floor, and I’d join in a bit. But I couldn’t even lift my head properly. “Get her water!” Lara yells. A bottle touches my lips. “Drink,” a guy says. I can hear Lara and Vikki talking about me with the guys we had been dancing with and a few of their friends. I take a small sip. And then I doubled over and threw up. I couldn’t stop. Every time I thought I was done vomiting, another wave of nausea hit me.

161 And that night was just crazy. I ended up getting closer to another guy who was my age. We spent the rest of the night together. And by five in the morning, we ended up getting into some guy’s car, and we asked him to drive us to the dorm where the guys we’d been dancing with lived. They were all friends. We stayed in the lounge and talked about anything and everything. **** Every two months, I’d end up being with a different guy. And in the moment, I’d genuinely like them. I’d enjoy being around them, get excited to see them, and think about them when I wasn’t with them. But once someone new came along, I’d move on from the last guy. That didn’t mean I forgot about them completely. I always miss everyone from my past at least a little bit. The guy I’d gotten closest to so far was the one who went to my school. We got close in March, and he’d hang out with Lara, Vikki, and all the new friends we’d made along the way. Lara had met a guy who eventually became part of our group, and before we knew it, we were all one big group of friends. We all even went to Paris together, and I didn’t even tell my parents about it. They thought I went on a school camping trip for the weekend. So he wasn’t just another guy I’d meet at night, but he was genuinely my friend. We only kissed once, and it wasn’t anything serious. I pulled away after a few seconds because it felt wrong. Maybe it was because I saw him as a friend and I didn’t want to ruin what we had. But things got ruined anyway. And by June, we’d stopped hanging out. I’d see him at school, and there was no bad blood between us, but he stopped wanting to hang out with the group.

162 Around the same time, I started getting close to an old friend. His name was Ahmad. I saw him on a Friday night while I was out with my friends, and we caught up on so much. The next day, we hung out, and he bought me sushi. After that, Ahmad and I just kept hanging out. One day, he invited me over to his house, and that was when we made out for the first time. And he wanted to take things further, but I made it clear that I was waiting until marriage. He respected that, but I could tell he was annoyed. He’d be making jokes about it here and there. We continued hanging out. June was pretty much all about him and my two best friends. Vikki and I even spent the night at Ahmed’s house with his best friend, and honestly, it was one of the most fun things ever. We laughed so much, and Ahmad burnt the pasta. After dinner, we all ended up cuddled on the bed, watching a movie. Ahmad was lying next to me with his arm wrapped around me and would constantly pull me closer. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me, and I loved it. And then July hit. In ten days, I’d be leaving for Hillcrest. I was excited, but I can’t lie, I was also dreading it. I wanted to stay here with my friends and enjoy the rest of my summer with them. They were planning a trip to Spain, and I wanted to go so badly. But my parents refused to let me go. “Christine!” Ahmad calls out. I turn around and see him jogging towards me. He wraps him around me and lifts me off the ground. I burst out laughing, grabbing onto his shoulders as he spun me around before finally putting me down. “I missed you,” he says, smiling at me.

163 Ahmad is the first guy I’ve ever met who isn’t afraid to be clingy with me, who doesn’t feel the need to act all dry and pretend he doesn’t care. He makes it so obvious when he’s happy to see me. And I love every second of it. And I only stated hanging out with him a month ago. His friend comes from behind him. “Ahmad wouldn’t stop talking about you.” “Aww. So cute,” I say, squeezing Ahmad’s cheeks. He squeezes mine right after. “You’re leaving tomorrow, yeah?” Ahmed asks. “Unfortunately.” He wraps me in another hug. “I’m going to miss you.” I hug him back, resting my cheek against his chest for a second before looking up at him. “Are we still going to be this close when I’m back?” He pulls back slightly and looks at me, confused. “Of course. Why are you asking?” “Are you not going to hoe around while I’m gone?” “I’m going to be in Qatar with my family. I couldn’t even.” “Good.” We walk over to his mixed group of friends, most of who I’ve never met before. I only recognise four of them, people I’m sort of friends with. They’re all sitting and standing around a bench smoking and drinking. We’re in a park. We sit with them for a while before Ahmad and I decide to go get ice cream. I hop onto an electric scooter, and Ahmad stands behind me, reaching around me to hold the handlebars as we ride. I’m laughing at

164 something he says, and he starts singing along to a song he put on his phone. We reach a few minutes later, and he buys me a popsicle. On the way back, I convince him to let me drive the scooter. I stay standing in front of him, holding onto the handlebars, and immediately start wobbling all over the place. Ahmad tightens his grip around my waist. “Christine!” A woman suddenly walks in front of us, and I completely forget how to brake. “Ahmad! Ahmad! Ahmad!” I panic as we get closer to her. He quickly reaches around me, grabs the handlebars, and swerves sharply to avoid her. Ahmad brings the scooter to a stop and releases a breath. “Christine,” he warns. “We nearly hit her.” “The brakes weren’t working!” We walk around the park for a bit before sitting on a bench. Just us two. I pull out my phone and start recording us. “Hi, guys,” Ahmad says, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “I’m here with Christine. Me and Christine started dating two years ago—” I scoff with a chuckle. “The fuck.” He just grins and leans his head against mine. “We’ve been together for a long time.” He kisses the side of my head, and I just squeal. **** I tear up when I’m on the plane. I know I’ll be coming back, but part of me is scared that by the time I do, Ahmad will have moved on from me. And I don’t want him to, because I genuinely like him. More than I expected to, actually. And if he asked me to be his girlfriend, I genuinely think I’d say yes.

165 Chapter twenty-one Age 17 I see Lucas, and honestly, I don’t feel any hatred towards him. I don’t feel the need to avoid him or pretend he isn’t there. A few months ago, I swore to myself that I’d ignore him at all costs, but now that I’m here with everyone, I feel completely relaxed. I’m not thinking about what happened last year. Maybe it’s because I’ve actually finally moved on. Or maybe it’s because I have someone else on my mind. We sit around the bonfire, passing drinks between us. When Lauren offers me a bottle of vodka, I take it and pour some into a plastic cup before setting it down beside me for later. “Christine drinks now, everyone!” Adam announces. I laugh. “I’m seventeen, so yeah.” I glance over at Lucas, and he’s staring at me. He doesn’t say anything, but I know that look. If he still cares about me, which I doubt, I can imagine how disappointed and annoyed he must have been. “Lucas is seventeen and he still doesn’t drink.” “I drink beer.” Lucas taps on his beer can. “Only on special occasions like New Years.” “So?” Lucas narrows his eyes at Adam. Adam winks at Lucas when he realises he was actually getting under Lucas’s skin. Lucas shakes his head and looks away. He mutters something under his breath.

166 “You came later than usual this summer, Chrissy,” Jazzy tells me as I reach for the marshmallow packet. I stick three marshmallows onto the end of a wooden skewer. “Yeah.” I hold the skewer over the fire. “I wanted to spend some time with my friends.” Because every summer, right after school ended, I’d immediately fly out to Hillcrest. This summer, I told my mum how I wanted to go later. 10 days later than I normally would. “Oh yeah. You have a boyfriend now, right?” “You have a boyfriend?” George asks. “Since when?” I shake my head and rotate the stick. “He’s not my boyfriend. We’re just…like,” “Talking?” Lauren asks. “Yeah, like we act like we’re in a relationship, but we’re not. And he doesn’t normally text, which is annoying—” “Do you like him?” I press my lips together, trying to hide my smile, which makes Jazzy gasp. “You like him!” She squeals. “I don’t know!” I laugh. “What’s his name?” she asks. “Ahmad.” Lucas gets up, grabs his beer and heads inside. I continue, “I think I do like him, but I don’t want to.” “Why not?” “I kinda think he’s like a player.” I shrug and take a bite of the marshmallow. “Like, of course, I could be wrong, but I just don’t think he’d want anything serious.” “What makes you think he’s a player, though?”

167 “Yeah. George can help you identify if he is or not,” Adam smirks at George. “My guy over here has plenty of experience and knows better than anyone. Ain’t that right, Georgie Porgie?” “You’re one to talk,” George replies. Adam puts a hand to his chest. “I’m a changed man.” Adam scoffs under his breath. “No, you’re not.” “Perfect!” I chime in. “So, you both can help me figure out if Ahmad is a player or not.” “First, show us what he looks like.” I take my phone out and show a video of us in the park. Barely even four seconds in, and Lauren is already telling me that he’s a player. “How do you know?” I ask. “He looks like one. Curly hair—” I cut her off. “Just say he looks cute.” She shrugs. “Not my type.” I roll my eyes. Lauren is more attracted to blondie guys, while I’ve always been more into guys with darker features. “Ugh! I can’t get attached. Like, first of all, he goes out almost every day with this huge group of friends. Girls and boys. And everyone seems to know him. And I don’t know, it’s just the vibe he gives off.” I shrug. “And it’s also the way he acts with me. When we’re together, he acts like he’s in love with me. We’re really close, and he just seems to know what he’s doing. Like, usually when a guy really likes a girl, he’s at least a little shy around her, right? Or he gets nervous about making a move. But Ahmad acts like he’s done this a hundred times before.” “So,” Adam starts. “You just hate that he knows how to flirt?” “No!” I say. “But like, your first love, for example, it took you like a whole year of knowing her before you guys did anything, yeah? Because

168 you really loved her, and you worried it could destroy everything.” I pause, licking the melted marshmallow stuck on my finger. “And like, Lucas and me loved each other, too. It took us, like, three years before we first kissed.” “You guys kissed?!” Jazzy and Adam yell at the same time. Oh, shit. Lauren bites down on her bottom lip and looks away. I wave a hand at them. “Anyway. And Ahmed does these weird sexual gestures and would always make sex jokes. Like, I’m sorry, but I find that weird. And he got annoyed with me when I didn’t want to go further than making out. Like that just shows that he’s done this many times before and was surprised that I wouldn’t either.” “Maybe he’s not a player,” Jazzy starts. “Maybe he is, but if you’re already worried, and if he gives you a reason to guess whether he’s interested in you as a person or just interested in what he can get from you, it means he ain’t it.” “Yeah. You’re not a detective—” Lauren starts. “I don’t know, though. Like if he was using me, he would let me go straight away, right?” I ask. And I move my position to face Jazzy and Lauren. “Why would he keep talking to me and be desperate to see me if he didn’t actually like me? That wouldn’t make any sense.” “Because guys can be fucking selfish,” Jazzy continues. “A guy can like having you around because you give him attention. They like knowing you like them because it gives them an ego boost. Sometimes he just likes knowing you’re there whenever he wants attention, even when he’s got ten other girls he could text.” “He has no girls on his phone—” “Bullshit!” Adam interferes. I thought he wasn’t even part of this conversation anymore. “Bull.Shit.”

169 I groan and drop my head to my hands. “Do you want a relationship with him?” Jazzy asks. I shrug. “I don’t know. Yeah.” “Then don’t give him everything a girlfriend would give him when he hasn’t even asked to be your boyfriend.” It’s not as easy as it seems. “Take it slow. And if he loses interest because you’re not giving him what he wants, then that’s a blessing in disguise. He’s a little hoe and you’ve just saved yourself a whole lot of heartbreak,” Jazzy says. “If he genuinely wants to be with you, he’ll have no problem proving that to you.” I’m just staring at Jazzy, wishing I’d been able to tell her everything that was going on with Lucas and to have someone like her to sit me down and make me see things a little more clearly when I couldn’t do it myself. But she’s Lucas’s sister, and if she had gotten involved, things would have only gotten more complicated. And the last thing I wanted was for Lucas to find out I’d been talking to her about him. How embarrassing. And he’d be pissed. Still, I really could’ve used someone like her back then, when everything with Lucas was getting to me. “I love you, Jazzy,” I say and hug her. “Anyway, you and my brother kissed?!” “Jazzy!” I hiss and glance at everyone who’s waiting for my reply. “Please pretend you guys don’t know, okay? He didn’t want to tell anyone.” ****

170 “Heyyy,” I say. I see Lucas sitting on the couch alone, while everyone else is still outside around the bonfire. I drop down onto the same couch, leaving enough space between us for another person to fit comfortably. “We’re all ordering Mcdonalds. Do you want anything?” “Yeah.” “Then come. They’re ordering now.” He gets up, and we walk back outside. “Why were you sitting in there all alone?” He shrugs. “Didn’t feel like sitting outside.” “Oh. Okay.” “And I got bored of the conversation.” Oh. We don’t say anything else as we reach the others. George is standing by the table with his phone out, writing everyone’s orders in his notes. “What do you want?” George asks Lucas. Lucas tells him, and George adds it to the list. I sit down on the hammock with my drink in hand, joining the conversation as everyone starts talking over each other. I’m laughing at something Lauren says when I hear my name. “Christine?” “Hm?” I turn my head sideways and see Lucas standing behind the hammock. “Do you wanna walk?” “Now?” I ask. I can’t lie, I’m a little surprised. “Yeah.” “Why?” He gives me a look. “To catch up?” I hesitate. “The food is coming soon, though.”

171 “In like an hour.” I glance towards the others, swinging my leg slightly against the ground. “Maybe later,” I reply. “I don’t really feel like it right now.” Last summer, I would’ve said yes without even thinking about it, and I would’ve followed him wherever he wanted to go. Fuck, I would have been the one begging for that walk. And I think he knows that. “Okay,” he shrugs, and I notice him hesitate for a moment, like he’s thinking about asking again or asking why. Then he just nods towards me and moves to sit beside George. **** A week has passed, and I think Lucas is starting to notice that things aren’t the same anymore. That I’m actually okay with us being over. I wave to the bartender, leaning forward on my stool. “Can I please have a mojito?!” Adam and Lauren are sitting beside me at the outdoor bar. It’s by a pool, and we’ve been here for nearly two hours. We decided to have a nightly swim. “Actually no! Can I have another Malibu shot?!” “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” Lauren asks. “I just had two shots.” “Yeah, but maybe take a break before having another one?” I wave my hand at her. “Lauren. I’m fine.” The bartender places the shot in front of me. I thank him by winking. He winks back at me. I look at Lauren and Adam before nudging Lauren. “Come on, guys! Take one with me!” Lauren hesitates, glancing at Adam before looking back at me. “Fine. But last one.” I roll my eyes at her. “Sure.” “I’m serious.”

172 “Yeah. I heard you the first time.” Adam snorts, and I grin as the bartender sets their drinks down. I lift my glass towards theirs. “Woohoo!” I yell before we chug it at the same time. We leave the bar, but I tell the bartender how I’ll be back, and he tells me how he’ll be waiting. I follow Lauren and Adam towards the pool, where Lucas and George are already swimming. We just keep swimming. Well, I mainly swim alone. George and Lucas are too busy jumping into the pool and Adam and Lauren are just talking, so I decide to head back to the bar on my own. “I was wondering when I’d see you again,” he says, shaking a cocktail in a metal shaker. I grin as I walk over and climb onto one of the stools. “Missed me already?” He laughs, setting the shaker down. “It got boring without you.” And somehow, I don’t know how, but our conversation becomes serious. He starts telling me about his ex-wife and how she asked for a divorce five months ago. I asked why she wanted it, and his response wasn’t anything detailed: She just got bored of me. That’s it. So I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know anything about divorce. After all, I am seventeen. I’ve never been married. But I try anyways. “Don’t blame yourself for it,” I tell him. “I mean, if she wasn’t happy anymore, that’s one thing. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough for her.” “Yeah,” he says quietly. “You’re right.”

173 “Obviously, I am,” I say. “She wasn’t the one, but that doesn’t mean your life with women is over,” I continue. “Work on yourself, and the right one will come.” “You’re so mature for a seventeen year old.” I smile big at that. “Thanks.” “So,” he asks after a moment. “Do you live in the area?” “No. I come every summer.” “How long are you staying for?” “Till, like August 25.” “We’ve got a few weeks.” I raise my brows at him. “We?” He nods and places both his elbows on the counter and leans a little closer to me. “Yeah. We should hang out sometime.” I just laugh. Mainly because what am I supposed to do with that invite? I mean, I know I’m great company, but this man is like 30. “Are you asking me out?” I joke. “Well. Would that be such a bad thing?” I lean back. “Sir, I’m seventeen.” “And you act older than your age—” Lucas sits down on the stool beside me. He’s in his swimsuit, his damp hair falling messily over his forehead, little droplets of water clinging to the strands at the front. He must’ve only just gotten out of the pool. “You’re going to drink?” I ask Lucas with a shocked tone. “No. I just came to sit with you.” “Actually?” “Yeah?” I look back at the bartender and point a thumb at Lucas. “You know this guy was my boyfriend.”

174 The bartender’s eyes move between us. “Really?” “Yeah. We’ve been together for, like, five years,” I say. “But it was on and off.” Lucas looks at me for a moment. “We were never really off.” “Yeah, we were?” I reply. “I had a boyfriend. You had something with her.” “I never had anything with her.” “You asked her to prom?” “Prom doesn’t mean anything. And I was forced to ask her. I didn’t even want to.” “Okay. But we were off, though.” “Whatever.” He looks away, and I look back at the bartender who has leaned back by now and isn’t as close as he was before. “You wanna walk?” Lucas asks me. “Later—” “I want to tell you something.” Something about his tone tells me that it’s important. And I can tell he’s pissed. We slide off our stools and walk towards the quieter path that runs alongside the pool. The music from the bar gets quieter. “You know this bartender is weird?” I shrug. “He’s nice.” “He’s a fucking pedo,” he hisses. “George came here with his family once, and that same guy was flirting with his younger cousin, who was thirteen. Thirteen, Christine.” “Oh. So I’m not special then…” I joke, but he doesn’t find that funny. His brows furrow as he looks at me. I clear my throat. “It was a joke.”

175 “It’s not funny.” His hand digs into the pockets of his shorts. “Just don’t give him so much attention, okay? Be careful.” “I wasn’t even—” “What were you guys even talking about?” he interrupts me. “What?” “At the bar. What were you talking about for so long?” “He was just telling me about his divorce. He probably was just upset and needed someone to talk to.” He lets out a disbelieving scoff. “And you’re seventeen. You’re not supposed to be the person he goes to for that. He’s an old man.” “Yeah, okay. I admit, it was a little weird.” “It’s really fucking weird.” “I was just being nice to get free drinks.” “Why are you drinking so much? Since when do you like drinking?” I tried it once, and I remember feeling tipsy and relaxed. Everything was just funnier, and I couldn’t stop laughing. It was like this wall I’d always had between myself and other people had suddenly disappeared. Talking to people felt easy. I didn’t have to think so hard about what to say or worry about how I was coming across. I could just exist without overthinking every little thing. So, I liked it. And now, whenever I’m in a social situation, I just feel like drinking sometimes. But of course, not everytime and not with everyone. Just whenever I was out with certain friends who drank too. I shrug. “It’s fun.” “There are literally a million other things you can do for fun.” “Yeah, I know.” “Then do that instead of drinking.”

176 “Why do you even care?” “Because…” He pauses. “I care. And you know, I hate that stuff, Christine. I hate what it does to people, and I hate how everyone acts like it’s completely harmless just because it’s normal.” “You’re acting like I drink everyday.” “By the way you’re acting, it looks like it.” “Then don’t look at me, maybe?” He just gives me the most disgusted look I’ve ever seen him give, looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I groan. “I’m joking, Lucas. God.” He doesn’t say anything about that, so I just continue. “Anyway, I actually don’t drink that much. And when I do, I know when to stop. I don’t let myself get to the point where I’m completely drunk.” Except for that Halloween party. That night was enough to make me never want to feel that way again. The moment I feel like I’ve had enough, I stop. “That’s what everyone says,” he replies. “Your own sister drinks?” “Yeah, I’m aware. I live with her.” “Then go give her the lecture. Not me.” “I’m not lecturing you?” I scoff. “You are.” “I’m not.” “You are—” he interrupts me. “Christine, I’m just talking to you—” “Then stop talking,” I hiss, my tone a little louder than it was before. I don’t know why he’s pissing me off so much. Maybe it’s the way he keeps going on, even after I’ve told him I know what I’m doing.

177 This entire conversation is annoying me, and the more he talks, the more annoyed I get. Because, I’m sorry, but who is he? He’s not my dad, brother or boyfriend. And since when does he care so much about what I do? His face falls slightly, and I watch his eyes move between mine before he looks away. He looks hurt, and I hate that. And now I feel bad. He bobs his head. “Okay.”

178 Chapter twenty-two

179 Chapter twenty-three Age 17 We’re all watching a movie at my and Lauren’s house, and I’m sitting between Lauren and George on the couch. But I don’t even know what the movie is about because my eyes have been glued to my phone for the past twenty minutes. Because Ahmad and I haven’t texted since the day I travelled. And I know Ahmad is not the type to text or call, and I knew that from the very beginning. But not even a how are you? And I don’t want to text him first. Because I always do. Adam walks into the living room with a Pepsi can. His eyes bounce from me to Lucas, who’s sitting on a different couch. “Christine, I think you’re sitting in the wrong spot.” I look up from my phone. “What?” “Why aren’t you two sitting next to each other?” He points between Lucas and me, and I stare at him for a second, then go back to my phone. “You guys would look cute sitting together.” I ignore him, but he just continues. He gently kicks my foot with his. “Are you texting your lover Ahmad?” “Can you actually shut up?” I hiss and stretch my leg out to shove him away with my foot. Thirty minutes later, I end up falling asleep, and the movie isn’t even over yet. I wake up when Lauren nudges me awake, and they’re talking about watching another movie. I only shake my head and tell everyone that I’m going to bed. I stumble my way upstairs, wipe off my makeup and crawl under the covers.

180 I hear the vibration off my phone. Lucas Do you have to go sleep? I miss you already I stare at that second message for a little longer than usual. Because he hasn’t told me he missed me since we were dating. And my heart aches a little at that, because I used to wish he’d say things like that. And now he’s telling me exactly what I used to want to hear. But my feelings are different now. **** It’s 4 in the morning, and we just got home from Lucas’s house. But me and Lauren don’t go to bed straight away. We sit outside on the balcony, looking out at the pine trees. “I actually think I’m over Lucas,” I tell her. “Really?” I nod. “I think so. Like, I don’t feel this urge to be around him all the time like I did last year.” I wanted to spend every second of my life with that boy. It was actually embarrassing. Now, I don’t feel upset or wait around for him when he’s not around. “But I can’t lie, I’m upset about it.” “Why?” I shrug, stretching my legs onto a stool. “I don’t know. Like, I’ve liked him for so long that I’m just used to it, you know? And now that I don’t feel the same way, I don’t know what to do. It’s weird. I miss liking him. I don’t know,” I pause. “Which is actually so stupid because it made me miserable half the time.”

181 “And he actually seems more obsessed with you now than he did last summer,” Lauren says. “He is! And he knows I’ve changed. Like, I’ve noticed how much more he’s been trying lately,” I mutter. And even Lauren has noticed. “I hate that the second I start moving on, he suddenly wants me. Like, where was all this effort last summer?” “They always come back.” “They really always do.” I drop my head to my hands. “But I actually feel so bad. I can tell Lucas is always upset because of me.” “He is. Very, actually.” I lift my head. “How do you know?” “Jazzy told me.” My stomach does a little flip. “What did she tell you?” “He was talking to her about everything. He kept saying how he felt like he’d fucked everything up and that it was all his fault for the way things turned out.” I try to imagine Lucas sitting there, talking about me like that. “Do you know why he acted that way last summer?” She shakes her head. “Maybe you should ask him.” God, I want to. I’ve spent so much time wondering why he suddenly became so distant, why everything changed, and why he couldn’t just love me the way I wanted to. And now that he’s finally trying, part of me wants to understand what happened. But I’m scared if I get the answer I don’t want. “Also,” I start. “I feel like I’ve been such a bitch to him lately.” “Like how?” “I just get annoyed all the time. Like he wouldn’t do anything wrong, and I’d still be irritated with him.”

182 “That’s what happens when you lose feelings.” “Yeah, I guess.” In a way, I’m a little glad. **** Lucas is walking me home because I wasn’t feeling well. Everyone wanted to stay at the basketball court a little longer, but I genuinely couldn’t take it anymore. My stomach had been hurting for the past hour, and now my upper legs were starting to ache, too. I bet it’s my period coming. “You look extra pretty tonight,” Lucas whispers in my ear. I turn my head towards him and jerk my head back when I realise how close he was. Jesus Christ. Personal space, maybe? A small, forced smile appears on my face, and my eyes wander towards the houses across the street. “Thanks,” I mumble. But that compliment doesn’t touch my heart. Now, I’m just wondering why he’s practically breathing into my ear with his warm breath. I shove my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants. “Are you cold?” Lucas asks as he already pulls his jacket off before I can even give my answer. “No?” I say, but he holds it out to me anyway. “I said I’m not cold.” He’s gone quiet. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He’s looking down and is kicking a little stone along the pavement. And now I feel bad. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just trying to be nice. “But thanks,” I mutter in a softer tone. He only nods. And we’re quiet again. “Sorry,” he suddenly mutters. I look at him. “Why?”

183 He hesitates before admitting it: “I made you uncomfortable when I said you looked extra pretty.” “Lucas, what?” “I felt it. I exhale deeply. “I’m sorry, Lucas, if I’ve been bitchy lately.” He shakes his head. “I’m sure you’re not. But it’s probably because the way you act with me has changed a bit, so I’m tweaking.” “Tweaking?” “Yeah, Christine. Tweaking.” He gives a humourless smile. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do around you anymore.” I look away. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do around him either. I sigh. “My feelings are just all over the place, and I don’t even know why I’m being so distant with you. It’s not on purpose. He slows down a little. “Tell me what’s going on.” I look at him, and he’s already looking at me. His eyebrows are slightly drawn together, and he’s searching my face, like he’s desperate to know the answer. He’s hurt. It’s obvious. He’s been hurt for the last two weeks. And I hate that I’m the reason for it. “Lucas, I’ve spent, like, four years being obsessed with you.” He lets out a quiet breath through his nose. “And I mean, actually obsessed,” I try to laugh, but it comes out awkwardly. “You could literally smile at me, and I’d go home thinking about it for the next month.” He looks down, and the corner of his mouth moves like he’s almost smiling, but it quickly disappears.

184 “And I don’t know,” I continue. “This summer just feels different. I don’t feel the same way I used to, and I don’t know why.” “It’s because there’s another guy in mind too.” “What?” “Ahmad.” He says his name quietly, almost like he hates having to bring him up. “I know you don’t feel the same about me anymore, which is understandable. I mean, you’ve got someone else on your mind.” “Lucas, this has nothing to do with Ahmad—” “You can’t look at me the same way you used to if there’s another guy on your mind.” His voice isn’t raised, but it sounds strained. He keeps looking ahead, his jaw tightening. “I don’t know Lucas. I just don’t feel the same anymore. Or maybe I do, just not in the same way. I still love and respect you. I genuinely don’t know how to explain it.” He nods. “So you don’t like me anymore?” “I didn’t say that.” “You literally did.” We go quiet because I don’t know how to respond. He looks frustrated with himself more than anything. “I just don’t get it,” he says eventually. “Like I feel like I can’t even compliment you without you looking like you want to get away from me.” “That’s not true—” I start, but the words die in my throat. I look away, pressing my lips together before trying again. “I just miss how it was.” “Well, if you don’t feel the same way anymore, then there’s no way in hell it’s going to be the way it was.” “I still love you—” I mutter.

185 “That’s fading away.” “It’s not fading,” I say. “I still love and respect you, but I don’t know. I just don’t feel anything anymore.” He looks away, letting out a long breath. “I hate myself. I had you, and I still managed to fuck everything up.” He laughs bitterly. “And now you’re finally getting over me, and I’m the one who can’t deal with it.” “I’m not trying to punish you for last summer,” I tell him quietly. “I know, Christine.” I look down at my shoes. There are things I’ve wanted to ask him for over a year, and if I don’t ask now, I’m probably going to keep wondering about them forever. “Lucas?” “Yeah?” “Why didn’t you want to try again last summer?” I ask. I can tell he wants to avoid the question. “Lucas.” I nudge his arm lightly. “I want you to be honest.” “I don’t know, Christine.” I scoff. “You don’t know?” “I just—” He stops, pressing his lips together. It’s clear he doesn’t want to say it. “It was complicated.” “Did you just like being chased?” His brows furrow. “Seriously, Christine?” “What?” I shrug. “Because, from where I’m standing, it feels like when I wanted you the most, you knew you could have me, but you chose not to. You knew how obsessed I was with you and how badly I wanted us to work, and you still didn’t want to try,” I continue. “And now, when everything’s different and I’m not acting the way I used to, suddenly you want me. Suddenly you love me.”

186 “I’ve always loved you the same,” he says quietly. “Which is more than you think.” I go silent. “Then why didn’t you want to try?” “I didn’t know how to do this.” He motions between us. “I still don’t, because what we have is real. And I wanted to keep it safe until we’re both ready. Because I want to marry you one day, and I’m scared to rush anything.” He takes a deep breath. “That shit doesn’t matter anymore anyway. It’s all over, so who cares?” “Don’t say that again.” “It’s true, though. You were obsessed with me last year, and now you don’t care. So what happens next year?” “I don’t know.” “Exactly.” We walk in silence, but I feel the tension between us. “Christine?” he whispers. “Yeah?” “I’m not happy,” he says. “How can I be when…” “Tell me.” “How can I be happy when most of the time, someone has to bring up Ahmad? It’s always Ahmad this, Ahmad that. And I just have to stand there and act like I don’t give a shit.” He looks at me. “I genuinely love you, Christine. Do you understand how shit it feels to constantly hear about another guy when all I want is you?” He runs a hand through his hair? “And I can’t even be mad about it because I did this to myself. I had my chance with you, and I fucked it up. I know that. I’m not blaming you for anything.” He pauses, his jaw tightening. “But I hate him. I hate that you

187 miss him. I hate that he likes you, and I hate even more that you like him back.” “I am sorry, Lucas. I also hate that Ahmad keeps getting mentioned,” I start. “I really don’t know what else to say.” “Whatever. It’s fine. It isn’t your problem to think about it.” “I don’t want you overthinking this.” “It’s easy to say, Christine. Put yourself in my place.” “What Lucas? I was literally in that situation last summer. I know exactly how it feels.” “It was different.” “No, it wasn’t?” “You knew about Amy.” I hiss. “Her name still triggers me a little sometimes.” “Nothing happened between me and Amy. There was nothing. You and Ahmad literally kissed, and I don’t even know what else happened between you two.” I stare at him for a second. “Okay.” His eyebrows pull together. “Okay?” “What do you want me to say, Lucas? I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about something that’s already happened.” “You’re right,” he mutters. “I wish we never broke up.” **** I have the worst period pain ever. I’m lying on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position that doesn’t make my stomach hurt even more. But I can’t. My family all went to a restaurant after church, which I had to miss because of this stupid pain. So now I’m home alone. On the couch. In pain.

188 And Lucas keeps texting me, trying to make plans for right now, but I keep telling him I don’t feel like doing anything because of the period pain. He offers to come over instead, but I shut that down, too. Only because I look like shit and I don’t feel like communicating. An hour later, my phone lights up with another message from. Lucas Go outside. Don’t worry. I’m not there. I just left something out. It’s yours. Thought I’d bring you something small, maybe it would make you feel better since you’re on your period. I get up from the couch and pull my hood over my head, just in case he’s lying about not being there and is actually standing somewhere nearby, watching me. I quietly open the front door and glance around for Lucas. I don’t see him, so I quickly snatch the black bag and bring it inside. When I open the bag, I find a bunch of chocolates inside and a my favourite pineapple juice. I rummage through them, a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth. Of course he’d do something like this.

189 Chapter twenty-four Age 17

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192 He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off before he can. “I know I’m not perfect. And I know you deserve better, so I want to be better for you. Just please give me a chance and don’t let me go.” “I didn’t want to let you go, Christine. I wanted to be with you forever.” “Then let’s try again.” He shakes his head. “You also deserve better.” “Then be better for me?” “You think I haven’t thought about that?” (deep convo- he doesn’t go back)

193 After a whole year of school, I was finally back in Hillcrest. And the moment I stepped out of the car, Lucas pulled me into a hug. His chest is harder against me, and suddenly his height shot right past mine.

194 “I missed you so much,” he says, his forehead down against my shoulder. This year was nothing any special. School got me busy this year, and for my birthday, Lucas wrote me a huge paragraph which was the cutest shit ever. Sometimes, I can’t believe that this Lucas is the same guy to the thirteen year old Lucas.

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