1 | P a g e The Doctor Who Tried to Cure Narcissism by Acting Like a Narcissist Once upon a time, there was a man called Sam. Sam had been described as having narcissistic and psychopathic traits, and he believed he had discovered a special way to “fix” people who behaved narcissistically. His idea was very strange. He believed: “If I control people, confuse them, frighten them and make them depend upon me, I can teach them not to be controlling, confused, frightened or dependent.” There was a problem with this idea. It was a little like saying: “I will teach someone not to steal by taking away all their toys.” Or: “I will teach someone not to bully by bullying them first.” Calling something a lesson does not automatically make it a good lesson. So Sam chose a woman called Lina and decided that she needed his experiment. Lina said: “I don't want this.” But Sam did not stop. And that was when the first circle began.
2 | P a g e 🔄 Circle One — “No” means “You need me more” Lina said: “Please stop.” Sam said: “Your refusal proves that you have a personality problem.” Lina answered: “I'm saying no because I don't want you doing this.” Sam replied: “That's exactly what someone with your problem would say.” So he continued. Lina said no again. Sam said: “See? You are resisting even more. I must try harder.” And around they went: Lina says NO ↓ Sam calls it resistance ↓ He continues ↓ Lina says NO again ↓ He calls the stronger NO evidence of a bigger problem ↓ He tries harder The circle had no door.
3 | P a g e 🔄 Circle Two — Crying becomes “success” Eventually Lina became frightened and cried. Sam said: “Excellent. The treatment is reaching something deep.” Lina said: “I'm crying because I'm frightened.” Sam answered: “Your feelings are part of the treatment.” So he continued. Lina cried more. Sam said: “See? It's working.” The circle became: Sam does something frightening ↓ Lina becomes upset ↓ The upset is called therapeutic progress ↓ He continues ↓ Lina becomes more upset ↓ The greater upset is called greater progress But the wise teacher watching said: “Someone crying does not prove that you are helping them.”
4 | P a g e 🔄 Circle Three — Getting worse becomes “getting better” After a long time, Lina became exhausted and her life became smaller. Sam said: “Your old personality is breaking down.” Lina said: “But I'm getting worse.” Sam replied: “That's because the treatment is working.” So he tried harder. Lina became even more distressed. Sam said: “We must go deeper.” And the circle continued: Lina gets worse ↓ Sam calls it progress ↓ He tries harder ↓ Lina gets worse again ↓ He says the treatment is going deeper ↓ He tries harder again
5 | P a g e 🔄 Circle Four — “I am right because you disagree” Sam was very certain that his theory was correct. Lina said: “I think your experiment is hurting me.” Sam said: “You only think that because you don't understand.” Lina asked: “What if you're wrong?” Sam replied: “Thinking I'm wrong is part of your problem.” Now disagreement itself became evidence that Sam was right. The circle became: Sam says “I'm right” ↓ Lina disagrees ↓ Disagreement is called a symptom ↓ The disagreement is ignored ↓ Sam becomes even more certain he is right The wise teacher said: “A good idea must be able to survive being questioned.”
6 | P a g e 🔄 Circle Five — Dependency becomes “bonding” Sam wanted Lina to become attached to his group. Lina wanted to remain connected to her own family and independent life. Sam said: “You need to bond with us.” Lina answered: “I don't want to replace my family with strangers.” Sam said: “Your refusal shows that you have an attachment problem.” So he tried harder. If Lina became dependent upon the group, he could say: “Look! The bonding is working.” If she rejected the group, he could say: “Look! Her attachment problem is getting worse.” Either way, Sam had an explanation. And that was the problem.
7 | P a g e 🔄 Circle Six — The pretend mother Then Sam decided that an older stranger should pretend to be Lina's mother. Lina said: “That person isn't my mother.” Sam said: “You have to learn to see him that way.” Lina said: “No.” Sam answered: “Your inability to accept him proves the attachment problem.” So: Lina says “He isn't my mother.” ↓ Sam says “You have an attachment problem.” ↓ He pushes the relationship harder ↓ Lina becomes more upset ↓ Sam says “See? The problem is very deep.” ↓ He pushes harder again Around and around the circle went.
8 | P a g e 🔄 The biggest circle Eventually, the wise teacher drew everything on one enormous piece of paper. She wrote: DIAGNOSIS ↓ EXPERIMENT ↓ LINA OBJECTS ↓ “RESISTANCE” ↓ MORE EXPERIMENT ↓ LINA BECOMES DISTRESSED ↓ “THERAPEUTIC PROGRESS” ↓ MORE EXPERIMENT ↓ LINA DETERIORATES ↓ “WE MUST GO DEEPER” ↓ MORE EXPERIMENT ↓ LINA OBJECTS AGAIN ↓ “SEE? THE DIAGNOSIS WAS RIGHT.” ↓ START AGAIN The teacher looked at Sam. “Do you see the problem?” Sam said: “No.” The teacher pointed at the enormous circle. “There is no place in your circle where you can say, ‘I was wrong.’” Sam became quiet.
9 | P a g e 🌱 The important lesson The teacher explained: “Having a diagnosis does not automatically make someone right or wrong.” “Calling something an experiment does not make it safe.” “Calling something therapy does not automatically make it therapy.” “And hurting someone does not become healing simply because you call it treatment.” She turned to Lina. “You are allowed to say no.” “You are allowed to ask for another opinion.” “You are allowed to want your own family.” “You are allowed to remain yourself.” Then she turned to Sam. “If you really want to help someone, you must be able to stop when your idea is hurting them.” Because the best helper is not the person who says: “Everything that happens proves I am right.” The best helper is the person who can say: “I might be wrong. Let's check. Let's listen. And above everything else, let's keep this person safe.”
10 | P a g e Sam and the Doctor Who Called Hurting “Helping” Once there was a man named Sam. Sam said he knew how to fix people. He said he could fix a woman named Lina. But Sam had a very strange idea. He thought: “If I scare Lina, control her, confuse her, and make her need me, I can make her better.” Sam called this “healing.” But Lina did not think it was healing. Lina was a grown-up. She had her own home, family, friends, thoughts and choices. One day Lina said: “No, Sam. Please stop. I don't want this.” But Sam did not listen. Instead, he said: “You only say no because there is something wrong with you.” Lina said: “No. I say no because I don't like what you are doing.” But Sam said: “That means you are resisting.” So Sam continued. And something strange happened. Every time Lina said NO, Sam said: “You need more treatment.” So Lina said NO again. Sam said: “See? You are resisting even more.” And he tried harder.
11 | P a g e This became a circle: Lina says NO → Sam calls it “resistance” → Sam keeps going → Lina says NO again → Sam says she needs more treatment. Then Lina became frightened and cried. She said: “I'm scared. You're hurting me.” But Sam said: “Good! That means the treatment is working.” Lina said: “But I'm crying because I'm scared.” Sam said: “Your crying is progress.” So Sam continued. The more Lina cried, the more Sam said: “We are making progress.” But Lina was actually becoming more tired and unhappy. When Lina said: “I'm getting worse.” Sam answered: “That's because we have to go deeper.” So he tried even harder. The circle became: Lina feels worse → Sam calls it progress → Sam tries harder → Lina feels worse again → Sam says the treatment is working. Then Sam wanted Lina to depend on him and his group. Lina said: “I want my own family and my own life.” Sam said: “You need to bond with us.”
12 | P a g e Lina said: “I don't want strangers to replace my family.” Sam said: “That proves you have an attachment problem.” So again, Lina's NO was given a new name. Instead of listening to her, Sam called it a “symptom.” Then Sam wanted an older stranger to pretend to be Lina's mother. Lina said: “He isn't my mother.” Sam said: “You need to learn to see him as your mother.” Lina said: “No!” Sam said: “Your NO proves your problem is very big.” So he pushed harder. Lina became more upset. Sam said: “See? You need the treatment even more.” And the circle started again. One day, a wise teacher came to see what was happening. She watched carefully. She saw that whenever Lina said NO, Sam called it “resistance.” When Lina cried, he called it “progress.” When Lina became frightened, he called it “healing.” When Lina became worse, he said: “We need to try harder.” And when Lina wanted to leave, he called it “another symptom.”
13 | P a g e The teacher drew a big circle: Lina says NO ↓ “Resistance!” ↓ Sam continues ↓ Lina becomes frightened ↓ “Progress!” ↓ Lina becomes worse ↓ “We must go deeper!” ↓ Sam continues ↓ Lina says NO again The teacher looked at Sam. “Sam, where is the part where you can say, ‘Maybe I am wrong’?” Sam could not answer. The teacher asked: “Where is the part where Lina's NO means NO?” Sam still could not answer. The teacher then explained: “Calling something ‘helping’ does not make it helping.” “Calling something ‘treatment’ does not make it treatment.” “Calling fear ‘progress’ does not make fear progress.” “Calling dependence ‘bonding’ does not make dependence healthy.” And most importantly: “Hurting someone does not become kindness just because you call it healing.” The teacher turned to Lina. “You are allowed to say NO.” “You are allowed to ask another person for help.”
14 | P a g e “You are allowed to love your own family.” “You are allowed to have your own life.” “You are allowed to be yourself.” Then the teacher said something very important: “A good helper listens when someone says STOP.” “A good helper notices when someone is getting worse.” “And a good helper can say, ‘I might be wrong.’” Because if someone keeps hurting you and simply gives the hurting a nice name, the name does not change what is happening. And Lina learned an important lesson: You don't have to call something “healing” just because someone else calls it “healing.”
15 | P a g e Alleged behaviour by Sam Similarity to coercive/abusive dynamics associated with rape Why it matters Lina repeatedly says “no” but Sam continues 🔴 Very significant A central feature of abusive sexual conduct can be treating refusal as something to overcome rather than something to respect. Scottish sexual-offence law specifically addresses whether conduct occurs without free agreement. (Legislation.gov.uk) Calling “no” “resistance” 🔴 Very significant The perpetrator effectively changes the meaning of refusal: instead of “stop,” it becomes “try harder.” Continuing after distress/fear 🔴 Very significant The person's distress becomes something to overcome rather than a signal to stop. Deliberately creating dependency 🔴 High concern Dependency can reduce a person's practical ability to resist, leave or obtain independent help. Isolating the person from family/support 🔴 High concern Isolation is a recognised mechanism of coercive control and can make someone increasingly dependent upon the controlling group. Reinterpreting resistance as evidence of illness 🔴 High concern This creates a closed system in which the victim's objections are invalidated rather than investigated. Using fear/distress as supposed “progress” 🔴 High concern It reverses the normal safety principle: deterioration becomes justification for continuing. Pressuring the person into an unwanted intimate/family role 🟠 Potentially serious The significance depends on exactly what was demanded and whether there was sexual conduct, threats, coercion or other unlawful behaviour. Trying to replace the person's existing relationships with the group 🔴 High concern This can increase dependency and reduce access to alternative perspectives and protection.
16 | P a g e Repeatedly continuing despite objections 🔴 Very significant Persistence after explicit refusal is substantially more concerning than a single misunderstanding. Calling the conduct “therapy” despite lack of consent 🔴 Very significant professionally A therapeutic label cannot itself create consent or provide legal authority to interfere with someone. Monitoring, following or stalking the person 🔴 Potentially criminal Scottish law recognises stalking and harassment as separate matters. Stalking- related conduct can include following, contacting, monitoring communications, watching or spying. (Legislation.gov.uk)